Posted on Jul 16, 2016
Can someone please take a look at my navy OCS motivational statement? It's about 120 words too long, so specifically what can be taken out?
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The assignment by the way is to motivate the Navy to select me, not to show the Navy my level of motivation. Also this is an updated and revised version which no longer has word count issues.
In less than one year in the Army, I’ve earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, which measured my leadership, mental grit, military fundamentals, and most importantly my ability to handle pressure with sound judgment. After placing second in my division, it is now time to take my military career to the next level with my newly honed skills.
During my first undergraduate experience, I excelled in a wide array of activities, resulting in leadership, time management, and administrative skills development. As Senior Class President, I was liaison between the University and Senior Class. I also sat on the campus Judicial Board, where I advised Penn State University officials on judicial decisions for students under review. Recognizing my leadership abilities, Sigma Pi International nominated me for President. I elected to serve as Vice President, where I could work in a more interactive leadership capacity. I delegated responsibilities, and also mentored new students to be productive members of the organization. As Morale Captain for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, I supervised and motivated fellow leaders, as well as inspiring students to join efforts to raise money for pediatric cancer. Despite being highly motivated, I lacked other important traits that would have contributed to an all-around successful undergraduate career, and a higher GPA upon graduation. Since joining the military, I was able to self-reflect and correct my mistakes, and use this experience to nurture a stronger work ethic and sharpen my self-discipline. Having earned my second Bachelors Degree, I successfully achieved a 3.8 GPA, leading to my acceptance in a Graduate-level program.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Becoming stagnant, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations is my biggest fear; with this lingering thought, I always strive to diversify myself in all aspects of my life. By remaining dynamic and driven, I have a breadth of skills that can be an asset in the right environment. The diversity of the Navy and its missions makes it the ideal environment for which I will be carrying out my duties as a Naval Aviator.
In less than one year in the Army, I’ve earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, which measured my leadership, mental grit, military fundamentals, and most importantly my ability to handle pressure with sound judgment. After placing second in my division, it is now time to take my military career to the next level with my newly honed skills.
During my first undergraduate experience, I excelled in a wide array of activities, resulting in leadership, time management, and administrative skills development. As Senior Class President, I was liaison between the University and Senior Class. I also sat on the campus Judicial Board, where I advised Penn State University officials on judicial decisions for students under review. Recognizing my leadership abilities, Sigma Pi International nominated me for President. I elected to serve as Vice President, where I could work in a more interactive leadership capacity. I delegated responsibilities, and also mentored new students to be productive members of the organization. As Morale Captain for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, I supervised and motivated fellow leaders, as well as inspiring students to join efforts to raise money for pediatric cancer. Despite being highly motivated, I lacked other important traits that would have contributed to an all-around successful undergraduate career, and a higher GPA upon graduation. Since joining the military, I was able to self-reflect and correct my mistakes, and use this experience to nurture a stronger work ethic and sharpen my self-discipline. Having earned my second Bachelors Degree, I successfully achieved a 3.8 GPA, leading to my acceptance in a Graduate-level program.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Becoming stagnant, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations is my biggest fear; with this lingering thought, I always strive to diversify myself in all aspects of my life. By remaining dynamic and driven, I have a breadth of skills that can be an asset in the right environment. The diversity of the Navy and its missions makes it the ideal environment for which I will be carrying out my duties as a Naval Aviator.
Posted in these groups: 
131x: Naval Aviator
Officer Candidate School (OCS) (Navy)
131x: Naval Aviator Officer Candidate School (OCS) (Navy)
Edited >1 y ago
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 13
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There's a lot going on in your write-up that just bothers me, and makes me believe that it will not have the desired effect.
If you are shooting for aviation, then you need to express your desire to be a naval aviator and work your write up to demonstrate your dedication toward achieving that goal. Avoid using negative terminology such as "weakness" and "fear." Be positive. Talk about seeking challenges, personal and professional growth.
I went through ROTC vice AOCS so I'm not sure what the AOCS application package looks like, but I would think that your educational history (i.e. dates and GPAs) would be in the application package so you don't need to really talk about how your GPA improved the second time around. They should be able to figure out that you matured and demonstrated better discipline/study habits.
When does your package have to be submitted?
If you are shooting for aviation, then you need to express your desire to be a naval aviator and work your write up to demonstrate your dedication toward achieving that goal. Avoid using negative terminology such as "weakness" and "fear." Be positive. Talk about seeking challenges, personal and professional growth.
I went through ROTC vice AOCS so I'm not sure what the AOCS application package looks like, but I would think that your educational history (i.e. dates and GPAs) would be in the application package so you don't need to really talk about how your GPA improved the second time around. They should be able to figure out that you matured and demonstrated better discipline/study habits.
When does your package have to be submitted?
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LTJG (Join to see)
Thanks for your time sir. There isn't a set date. Aviation has a rolling admission so there is no deadline, but it's in my interest to get everything in as soon as possible.
In regards to my personal statement have you read my revised version that I edited into this post? About my GPA, I felt by discussing what changed and how I learned from my first undergraduate experience would help balance it out. It's by far my biggest weakness in my packet and figured I should try turning it into a strength. Just discussing my rationale about putting it in there.
In regards to my personal statement have you read my revised version that I edited into this post? About my GPA, I felt by discussing what changed and how I learned from my first undergraduate experience would help balance it out. It's by far my biggest weakness in my packet and figured I should try turning it into a strength. Just discussing my rationale about putting it in there.
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LTJG (Join to see)
My recruiter also made the point to take out any negative words and I've taken them out since
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CAPT Don Bosch, EdD
Indeed. Here are a few examples. https://txnavy.wordpress.com/motsta/
Posted below are the motivational statements of successfulapplicants. These are a good reference to help you build your own motivational statement, which is part of you APSR (see Docs For App page…
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CAPT Don Bosch, EdD
Thought this advice was good too:
"1) Why do I want to join the Navy? What evidence is there that I will enjoy being in the Navy and be able to stay motivated, overcome the challenges, etc..
2) Will I serve the Navy well? What evidence is there that I can adapt to and overcome challenging situations / stressful environments. Also, what experiences can I draw upon in order to be a good leader, etc."
"1) Why do I want to join the Navy? What evidence is there that I will enjoy being in the Navy and be able to stay motivated, overcome the challenges, etc..
2) Will I serve the Navy well? What evidence is there that I can adapt to and overcome challenging situations / stressful environments. Also, what experiences can I draw upon in order to be a good leader, etc."
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I've taken the liberty of editing it somewhat for you. I've paired it down a bit here and there and made a couple changes for the sake of clarity. Communicating is more important than using impressive-seeming sentence structures, after all.
Becoming stagnant, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations is my biggest fear; with this lingering thought, I have diversified myself in my education and experiences, joining the Army while studying Forensic Psychology and pursuing a career as a Navy Officer. By remaining dynamic I consider myself to have a wide range of skills that can be put to great use. The diversity of the Navy and its missions leads to my confidence that it is that environment, and being a Naval Aviator, which would be my best fit.
In less than one year, I earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I consider my biggest military accomplishment being hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in my Division’s national Best Warrior Competition, which measures mental grit, leadership, military fundamentals, and most importantly the ability to handle pressure with a level head. After winning second place, I decided it was time to take my military career to the next level. Prior to my military career, although motivated, I didn’t have the work ethic and discipline while working on my first Bachelor’s Degree, which reflected in my average grades. I gained these traits ten-fold in my short time in the Army, displaying them by achieving a 3.8 GPA in my second Bachelor’s Degree, leading to my acceptance in a Graduate-level program. Despite my less-than-impressive academic achievements during my first undergraduate degree, I managed to gain important leadership, time management and administrative skills. I served as Senior Class President, acting as a liaison between the University and the Senior Class, sat on the campus Judicial Board where I would review and advise how students under Judicial Review should be handled, and volunteered for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, raising money for pediatric cancer. My leadership abilities were recognized by my fraternity Sigma Pi International, and was nominated to be President. I decided to take on the role of Vice President, due to a favorable responsibility coming with the title. As Vice President, I would be in charge of mentoring and leading our new members to becoming better students, productive fraternity members, as well as delegating responsibilities.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Unlike many other children, I never grew up wanting to fly. I’m a doer, not a watcher. As soon as the option to become a Naval Aviator was presented to me, an entirely new world was opened up; a dream that can become a reality and which I would consider an honor.
Hope that helps. Good luck. Also, as a Penn State graduate myself, I was glad to see THON show up there. I'm always impressed with everybody who took part in that every year.
Becoming stagnant, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations is my biggest fear; with this lingering thought, I have diversified myself in my education and experiences, joining the Army while studying Forensic Psychology and pursuing a career as a Navy Officer. By remaining dynamic I consider myself to have a wide range of skills that can be put to great use. The diversity of the Navy and its missions leads to my confidence that it is that environment, and being a Naval Aviator, which would be my best fit.
In less than one year, I earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I consider my biggest military accomplishment being hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in my Division’s national Best Warrior Competition, which measures mental grit, leadership, military fundamentals, and most importantly the ability to handle pressure with a level head. After winning second place, I decided it was time to take my military career to the next level. Prior to my military career, although motivated, I didn’t have the work ethic and discipline while working on my first Bachelor’s Degree, which reflected in my average grades. I gained these traits ten-fold in my short time in the Army, displaying them by achieving a 3.8 GPA in my second Bachelor’s Degree, leading to my acceptance in a Graduate-level program. Despite my less-than-impressive academic achievements during my first undergraduate degree, I managed to gain important leadership, time management and administrative skills. I served as Senior Class President, acting as a liaison between the University and the Senior Class, sat on the campus Judicial Board where I would review and advise how students under Judicial Review should be handled, and volunteered for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, raising money for pediatric cancer. My leadership abilities were recognized by my fraternity Sigma Pi International, and was nominated to be President. I decided to take on the role of Vice President, due to a favorable responsibility coming with the title. As Vice President, I would be in charge of mentoring and leading our new members to becoming better students, productive fraternity members, as well as delegating responsibilities.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Unlike many other children, I never grew up wanting to fly. I’m a doer, not a watcher. As soon as the option to become a Naval Aviator was presented to me, an entirely new world was opened up; a dream that can become a reality and which I would consider an honor.
Hope that helps. Good luck. Also, as a Penn State graduate myself, I was glad to see THON show up there. I'm always impressed with everybody who took part in that every year.
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LTJG (Join to see)
Always awesome meeting still Penn state proud alumni. I've met a few on this site. I was a morale captain for THON for my last two years
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