Posted on Jul 16, 2016
Can someone please take a look at my navy OCS motivational statement? It's about 120 words too long, so specifically what can be taken out?
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The assignment by the way is to motivate the Navy to select me, not to show the Navy my level of motivation. Also this is an updated and revised version which no longer has word count issues.
In less than one year in the Army, I’ve earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, which measured my leadership, mental grit, military fundamentals, and most importantly my ability to handle pressure with sound judgment. After placing second in my division, it is now time to take my military career to the next level with my newly honed skills.
During my first undergraduate experience, I excelled in a wide array of activities, resulting in leadership, time management, and administrative skills development. As Senior Class President, I was liaison between the University and Senior Class. I also sat on the campus Judicial Board, where I advised Penn State University officials on judicial decisions for students under review. Recognizing my leadership abilities, Sigma Pi International nominated me for President. I elected to serve as Vice President, where I could work in a more interactive leadership capacity. I delegated responsibilities, and also mentored new students to be productive members of the organization. As Morale Captain for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, I supervised and motivated fellow leaders, as well as inspiring students to join efforts to raise money for pediatric cancer. Despite being highly motivated, I lacked other important traits that would have contributed to an all-around successful undergraduate career, and a higher GPA upon graduation. Since joining the military, I was able to self-reflect and correct my mistakes, and use this experience to nurture a stronger work ethic and sharpen my self-discipline. Having earned my second Bachelors Degree, I successfully achieved a 3.8 GPA, leading to my acceptance in a Graduate-level program.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Becoming stagnant, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations is my biggest fear; with this lingering thought, I always strive to diversify myself in all aspects of my life. By remaining dynamic and driven, I have a breadth of skills that can be an asset in the right environment. The diversity of the Navy and its missions makes it the ideal environment for which I will be carrying out my duties as a Naval Aviator.
In less than one year in the Army, I’ve earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, which measured my leadership, mental grit, military fundamentals, and most importantly my ability to handle pressure with sound judgment. After placing second in my division, it is now time to take my military career to the next level with my newly honed skills.
During my first undergraduate experience, I excelled in a wide array of activities, resulting in leadership, time management, and administrative skills development. As Senior Class President, I was liaison between the University and Senior Class. I also sat on the campus Judicial Board, where I advised Penn State University officials on judicial decisions for students under review. Recognizing my leadership abilities, Sigma Pi International nominated me for President. I elected to serve as Vice President, where I could work in a more interactive leadership capacity. I delegated responsibilities, and also mentored new students to be productive members of the organization. As Morale Captain for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, I supervised and motivated fellow leaders, as well as inspiring students to join efforts to raise money for pediatric cancer. Despite being highly motivated, I lacked other important traits that would have contributed to an all-around successful undergraduate career, and a higher GPA upon graduation. Since joining the military, I was able to self-reflect and correct my mistakes, and use this experience to nurture a stronger work ethic and sharpen my self-discipline. Having earned my second Bachelors Degree, I successfully achieved a 3.8 GPA, leading to my acceptance in a Graduate-level program.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Becoming stagnant, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations is my biggest fear; with this lingering thought, I always strive to diversify myself in all aspects of my life. By remaining dynamic and driven, I have a breadth of skills that can be an asset in the right environment. The diversity of the Navy and its missions makes it the ideal environment for which I will be carrying out my duties as a Naval Aviator.
Posted in these groups: 
131x: Naval Aviator
Officer Candidate School (OCS) (Navy)
131x: Naval Aviator Officer Candidate School (OCS) (Navy)
Edited >1 y ago
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 13
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Please disregard the essay I posted early. I revised the entire thing a few times...So anybody who offers help, here is my new personal statement, and thank you for your time.
In less than one year in the Army, I’ve earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, which measured my leadership, mental grit, military fundamentals, and most importantly my ability to handle pressure with sound judgment. After placing second in my division, it is now time to take my military career to the next level with my newly honed skills.
During my first undergraduate experience, I excelled in a wide array of activities, resulting in leadership, time management, and administrative skills development. As Senior Class President, I was liaison between the University and Senior Class. I also sat on the campus Judicial Board, where I advised Penn State University officials on judicial decisions for students under review. Recognizing my leadership abilities, Sigma Pi International nominated me for President. I elected to serve as Vice President, where I could work in a more interactive leadership capacity. I delegated responsibilities, and also mentored new students to be productive members of the organization. As Morale Captain for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, I supervised and motivated fellow leaders, as well as inspiring students to join efforts to raise money for pediatric cancer. Despite being highly motivated, I lacked other important traits that would have contributed to an all-around successful undergraduate career, and a higher GPA upon graduation. Since joining the military, I was able to self-reflect and correct my mistakes, and use this experience to nurture a stronger work ethic and sharpen my self-discipline. Having earned my second Bachelors Degree, I successfully achieved a 3.8 GPA, leading to my acceptance in a Graduate-level program.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Becoming stagnant, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations is my biggest fear; with this lingering thought, I always strive to diversify myself in all aspects of my life. By remaining dynamic and driven, I have a breadth of skills that can be an asset in the right environment. The diversity of the Navy and its missions makes it the ideal environment for which I will be carrying out my duties as a Naval Aviator.
In less than one year in the Army, I’ve earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, which measured my leadership, mental grit, military fundamentals, and most importantly my ability to handle pressure with sound judgment. After placing second in my division, it is now time to take my military career to the next level with my newly honed skills.
During my first undergraduate experience, I excelled in a wide array of activities, resulting in leadership, time management, and administrative skills development. As Senior Class President, I was liaison between the University and Senior Class. I also sat on the campus Judicial Board, where I advised Penn State University officials on judicial decisions for students under review. Recognizing my leadership abilities, Sigma Pi International nominated me for President. I elected to serve as Vice President, where I could work in a more interactive leadership capacity. I delegated responsibilities, and also mentored new students to be productive members of the organization. As Morale Captain for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, I supervised and motivated fellow leaders, as well as inspiring students to join efforts to raise money for pediatric cancer. Despite being highly motivated, I lacked other important traits that would have contributed to an all-around successful undergraduate career, and a higher GPA upon graduation. Since joining the military, I was able to self-reflect and correct my mistakes, and use this experience to nurture a stronger work ethic and sharpen my self-discipline. Having earned my second Bachelors Degree, I successfully achieved a 3.8 GPA, leading to my acceptance in a Graduate-level program.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Becoming stagnant, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations is my biggest fear; with this lingering thought, I always strive to diversify myself in all aspects of my life. By remaining dynamic and driven, I have a breadth of skills that can be an asset in the right environment. The diversity of the Navy and its missions makes it the ideal environment for which I will be carrying out my duties as a Naval Aviator.
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The Navy is a tough service to get into, especially the Office Corps. Enlisted Marines seem to be the most successful in making that transition to Navy Officer, and I knew one Navy Enlisted who became a Marine Officer. Aviation is especially tough these days, as it's Pilots and NFO's that are being sent home proportionally more than other designators. I had PO3, who had a degree in Aerospace Engineering and a multi-engine Pilot license, who was turned down for OCS and my own son was turned away from the recruiter and told to come back when he had a Masters and was accepted into a PhD program! (his BS was in Psychology too, and the recruiters were targeting Engineering majors.
I applaud you for trying to go Navy...I was an Army brat myself, but Pop left big footsteps and the Navy appealed to me more.
I applaud you for trying to go Navy...I was an Army brat myself, but Pop left big footsteps and the Navy appealed to me more.
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Whats your timeline for me to respond adequately ?
UTC(Ret)(SCW/FMF) Everett Patten
UTC(Ret)(SCW/FMF) Everett Patten
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LTJG (Join to see)
I have a few days so take your time. I revised it alot since posting this. Here's the new version.
In less than one year in the Army, I’ve earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, which measured my leadership, mental grit, military fundamentals, and most importantly my ability to handle pressure with sound judgment. After placing second in my division, it is now time to take my military career to the next level with my newly honed skills.
During my first undergraduate experience, I excelled in a wide array of activities, resulting in leadership, time management, and administrative skills development. As Senior Class President, I was liaison between the University and Senior Class. I also sat on the campus Judicial Board, where I advised Penn State University officials on judicial decisions for students under review. Recognizing my leadership abilities, Sigma Pi International nominated me for President. I elected to serve as Vice President, where I could work in a more interactive leadership capacity. I delegated responsibilities, and also mentored new students to be productive members of the organization. As Morale Captain for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, I supervised and motivated fellow leaders, as well as inspiring students to join efforts to raise money for pediatric cancer. Despite being highly motivated, I lacked other important traits that would have contributed to an all-around successful undergraduate career, and a higher GPA upon graduation. Since joining the military, I was able to self-reflect and correct my mistakes, and use this experience to nurture a stronger work ethic and sharpen my self-discipline. Having earned my second Bachelors Degree, I successfully achieved a 3.8 GPA, leading to my acceptance in a Graduate-level program.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Becoming stagnant, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations is my biggest fear; with this lingering thought, I always strive to diversify myself in all aspects of my life. By remaining dynamic and driven, I have a breadth of skills that can be an asset in the right environment. The diversity of the Navy and its missions makes it the ideal environment for which I will be carrying out my duties as a Naval Aviator.
In less than one year in the Army, I’ve earned the Army Commendation Medal and two Army Achievement Medals. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, which measured my leadership, mental grit, military fundamentals, and most importantly my ability to handle pressure with sound judgment. After placing second in my division, it is now time to take my military career to the next level with my newly honed skills.
During my first undergraduate experience, I excelled in a wide array of activities, resulting in leadership, time management, and administrative skills development. As Senior Class President, I was liaison between the University and Senior Class. I also sat on the campus Judicial Board, where I advised Penn State University officials on judicial decisions for students under review. Recognizing my leadership abilities, Sigma Pi International nominated me for President. I elected to serve as Vice President, where I could work in a more interactive leadership capacity. I delegated responsibilities, and also mentored new students to be productive members of the organization. As Morale Captain for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, I supervised and motivated fellow leaders, as well as inspiring students to join efforts to raise money for pediatric cancer. Despite being highly motivated, I lacked other important traits that would have contributed to an all-around successful undergraduate career, and a higher GPA upon graduation. Since joining the military, I was able to self-reflect and correct my mistakes, and use this experience to nurture a stronger work ethic and sharpen my self-discipline. Having earned my second Bachelors Degree, I successfully achieved a 3.8 GPA, leading to my acceptance in a Graduate-level program.
My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. Becoming stagnant, limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations is my biggest fear; with this lingering thought, I always strive to diversify myself in all aspects of my life. By remaining dynamic and driven, I have a breadth of skills that can be an asset in the right environment. The diversity of the Navy and its missions makes it the ideal environment for which I will be carrying out my duties as a Naval Aviator.
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