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So here goes...deal with me, this is personal.
I'm at a crossroads in my personal life that's bleeding into my professional life.
I've been married to who I thought was my sweetheart for 7 years.
The first 3 years were typical; honeymoon phase, new baby phase, readjusting roles phase post baby...and then bam you're unit is selected for deployment. at this point I'm a 10 year Combat Engineer assigned as a Platoon Sergeant to a Route Clearance unit and we're forecasted to go to Afghanistan. Upon this assignment I also have been given the additional responsibility to be the Training NCO. Anyone that's done this, especially for a unit that has just stood up understands my role. Needless to say as a young SFC I took my responsibilities to the extreme and engulfed myself into my work. About halfway through the readiness processthe wife delivered our 2nd child. Things in my book were normal, I was traveling getting the unit ready, she was raising the kids at home. I was ecstatic to be a new dad again, but also still working my ass off at work. Time passed, things stayed the same; then I deployed. The deployment was typical, some emotional family struggles, kids missed me, I wanted to go home, but all in all, I thought all was well.
Fast forward to the month before my arrival home. My platoons mission in Afghanistan was complete. That's when my life started to crumble around me.
My wife told me she had been depressed, had been suppressing her depression and anxiety with alcohol, and was now an alcoholic.
I returned from theater expecting to tackle this 'problem' head on...and now a year later, 6 rehab stints for her later, me doing mommy and daddy role in near giving up on my relationship, moving forward with life as a single father (hoping I can get custody due to her issues), and building a new life for myself and kids.
My personal and professional questions are many, but for those of you who have been around the block, maybe married multiple times, I'm battling with the deamons that are the negative stigma of divorced senior NCO and how this will affect my children.
Although I don't necessarily live a Christian life, my values are deep rooted in Christian ideologies as I was raised Pentecostal.
My biggest deliema is do I choose personal happiness and sacrifice professional ability (ie able to go TDY routinely) or allow my life to continue in the path it's in and run chances my alcoholic wife hurts our children one day.
...
I'm at a crossroads in my personal life that's bleeding into my professional life.
I've been married to who I thought was my sweetheart for 7 years.
The first 3 years were typical; honeymoon phase, new baby phase, readjusting roles phase post baby...and then bam you're unit is selected for deployment. at this point I'm a 10 year Combat Engineer assigned as a Platoon Sergeant to a Route Clearance unit and we're forecasted to go to Afghanistan. Upon this assignment I also have been given the additional responsibility to be the Training NCO. Anyone that's done this, especially for a unit that has just stood up understands my role. Needless to say as a young SFC I took my responsibilities to the extreme and engulfed myself into my work. About halfway through the readiness processthe wife delivered our 2nd child. Things in my book were normal, I was traveling getting the unit ready, she was raising the kids at home. I was ecstatic to be a new dad again, but also still working my ass off at work. Time passed, things stayed the same; then I deployed. The deployment was typical, some emotional family struggles, kids missed me, I wanted to go home, but all in all, I thought all was well.
Fast forward to the month before my arrival home. My platoons mission in Afghanistan was complete. That's when my life started to crumble around me.
My wife told me she had been depressed, had been suppressing her depression and anxiety with alcohol, and was now an alcoholic.
I returned from theater expecting to tackle this 'problem' head on...and now a year later, 6 rehab stints for her later, me doing mommy and daddy role in near giving up on my relationship, moving forward with life as a single father (hoping I can get custody due to her issues), and building a new life for myself and kids.
My personal and professional questions are many, but for those of you who have been around the block, maybe married multiple times, I'm battling with the deamons that are the negative stigma of divorced senior NCO and how this will affect my children.
Although I don't necessarily live a Christian life, my values are deep rooted in Christian ideologies as I was raised Pentecostal.
My biggest deliema is do I choose personal happiness and sacrifice professional ability (ie able to go TDY routinely) or allow my life to continue in the path it's in and run chances my alcoholic wife hurts our children one day.
...
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 27
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Brother, you aren't alone. I spent 20 agonizing years in a bad marriage and would still be in it had she not filed and moved in her boyfriend. I had a rough time growing up in a divorced family and my thinking was that it is always better to be married for the sake of the kids aswell as impressions. Do everything to save the marriage and never quit trying. The caveat is that both parties have to feel that way. There is life after divorce. There is happiness meant to be in your life. If you are willing to life in a miserable situation with only one person putting in effort to change, you will not only find an uphill battle, but you will be limited by your options. Military marriages are hard enough WITH the service member being supported at home. You said you aren't religious so I will hold back with my other input to respect your position. I will say that I will pray for you. Thanks for having the courage to share this with us. V/R, Uncle Mark
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I would say, SFC (Join to see), you gotta look out for those kids. That's priority #1. The stigma of being a divorced senior NCO ... I haven't seen that. Divorce is common these days. The stigma might rear its head if you have to put off mission (TDYs, etc.) to tend to the kids, but you would have to have day care anyhow, and that would likely include some kind of longer-term care for the kids when you have to go TDY or deploy.
I'm not encouraging you to divorce, not by any means, but if that's the way it ends, you should be prepared to take care of your children to the best of your ability. And I recognize that it's easy for me to sit back and give you this "great" advice. Implementing something this likely entails a lot of work and added stress to your life, which will be on you.
Good luck!
I'm not encouraging you to divorce, not by any means, but if that's the way it ends, you should be prepared to take care of your children to the best of your ability. And I recognize that it's easy for me to sit back and give you this "great" advice. Implementing something this likely entails a lot of work and added stress to your life, which will be on you.
Good luck!
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SFC Mark Merino
The old school joke was that if you got passed over for senior promotions it was because "you were still on your first marriage." Not very funny, but I agree, it isn't much of a stigma.
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You have a similar story as I SFC (Join to see) .
Far be it from me to be an expert giving advice, however I can offer my experiences as a "reflective surface" to compare.
First off, this is your life, and you yourself are solely responsible for your happiness with who and what you are, from the post it seems you are happy with yourself, just not the situation in which you find yourself, so let us address this point:
Children are not only our future but carry our luggage with them after we are gone, meaning everything we do, say or suggest stays with them somewhere conscious or unconsciously.
While growing up until the age of 19 when I left for the Army, we lived with 5 different men my mother either married or dated. As soon as we were old enough, she sat us 3 children down and explained each situation neutrally without blame or biased statements. This helped us understand but more importantly, accept the changes.
Fast forward 8 years later, I got a European out, married a woman in Berlin, Germany and after 7 years the relationship was ended. Much like you I was always on the road, he answer to that was drinking, it was not long before she hurt herself. I refused to divorce and subjected myself to so much pain that my feelings for her literally died one day. We then split but as friends in the end. We never had children so I can only speak of my childhood on that matter.
We cannot change people, we are not responsible for others total happiness (yes even us Military Alpha Males) until they are happy with themselves, truly accept who they are, will they be resilient enough to deal with any situation, so even though you feel responsible, you are not. Anyone basing their happiness and life in general on another person is in a delicate situation as soon as the partner has a mission elsewhere.
Not know the situation with the children, but if they are old enough, it is a possibility they will understand, that they will see what is best for each of you may be separation, key is a neutral discussion with all of you. This is not failure, this is reality, treat each other with massive respect and be kind of heart, this will lead you.
Now I am remarried after I took 7 years to be happy with me, do what made me happy and simply decided I was more valuable and important to the world if I accept myself as I am first. When I met my current wife we sat and I told her my expectations without pressure and told her my personal no go situations...5 years later we have a child and one on the way and we never argue or fight and guess what? I fly to Germany, Spain, Switzerland or Poland to work each week so I am only home 2 or 3 days a week and she is fine becasue we discussed and agreed in the beginning.
My wife is wonderful and I have never been so happy with a woman, this reflects in my general life, my friendships and in my business results and contracts. I must attribute this to explaining of expectations and continued open communication should anything creep up that bothers one of us.
My comments may be a bit tossed around but I wanted to let you know that life always goes on, we have the responsibility to ours elf as a human being to make sure we get the most out of it, and that I do wish you.
Here is a recent photo of my wife, child and I; I remarried at age 46 and my first child at 47, happiness is possible.
I do wish you all the best in these difficult times, life always goes on, question is if you will dictate the direction and manner in which it goes on, it lies within your control for sure.
Be well,
Steven
Far be it from me to be an expert giving advice, however I can offer my experiences as a "reflective surface" to compare.
First off, this is your life, and you yourself are solely responsible for your happiness with who and what you are, from the post it seems you are happy with yourself, just not the situation in which you find yourself, so let us address this point:
Children are not only our future but carry our luggage with them after we are gone, meaning everything we do, say or suggest stays with them somewhere conscious or unconsciously.
While growing up until the age of 19 when I left for the Army, we lived with 5 different men my mother either married or dated. As soon as we were old enough, she sat us 3 children down and explained each situation neutrally without blame or biased statements. This helped us understand but more importantly, accept the changes.
Fast forward 8 years later, I got a European out, married a woman in Berlin, Germany and after 7 years the relationship was ended. Much like you I was always on the road, he answer to that was drinking, it was not long before she hurt herself. I refused to divorce and subjected myself to so much pain that my feelings for her literally died one day. We then split but as friends in the end. We never had children so I can only speak of my childhood on that matter.
We cannot change people, we are not responsible for others total happiness (yes even us Military Alpha Males) until they are happy with themselves, truly accept who they are, will they be resilient enough to deal with any situation, so even though you feel responsible, you are not. Anyone basing their happiness and life in general on another person is in a delicate situation as soon as the partner has a mission elsewhere.
Not know the situation with the children, but if they are old enough, it is a possibility they will understand, that they will see what is best for each of you may be separation, key is a neutral discussion with all of you. This is not failure, this is reality, treat each other with massive respect and be kind of heart, this will lead you.
Now I am remarried after I took 7 years to be happy with me, do what made me happy and simply decided I was more valuable and important to the world if I accept myself as I am first. When I met my current wife we sat and I told her my expectations without pressure and told her my personal no go situations...5 years later we have a child and one on the way and we never argue or fight and guess what? I fly to Germany, Spain, Switzerland or Poland to work each week so I am only home 2 or 3 days a week and she is fine becasue we discussed and agreed in the beginning.
My wife is wonderful and I have never been so happy with a woman, this reflects in my general life, my friendships and in my business results and contracts. I must attribute this to explaining of expectations and continued open communication should anything creep up that bothers one of us.
My comments may be a bit tossed around but I wanted to let you know that life always goes on, we have the responsibility to ours elf as a human being to make sure we get the most out of it, and that I do wish you.
Here is a recent photo of my wife, child and I; I remarried at age 46 and my first child at 47, happiness is possible.
I do wish you all the best in these difficult times, life always goes on, question is if you will dictate the direction and manner in which it goes on, it lies within your control for sure.
Be well,
Steven
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