Getting over depression: What can I do?

You talk about suicide and depression. I openly admit to abusing drugs and alcohol from while in the Army (1968) until I had finally had enough. Like they say, I was tired of being sick and tired. LIttle did I know the answer was a matter of going to AA and NA, going to 2 or 3 meeting everyday, get a sponsor, read The Big Book, do the steps to the best of my ability. I did all and continued to do all that.....For a period of time in mid 1990 I had an itch I just couldn't scratch. I was at a total loss as to why....I talk about my feelings, met a VN vet in AA who had group meetings at his home, and on and on and on. Depression, I did not have any idea what depression was or that I was clinically depressed. My addiction turn from drugs and alcohol to sex and food. (Only I did not see the addiction.) My life was still spinning out of control. I owned my own business which I ended up losing. Then in the year 2000 or so I made a pretty drastic suicide attempt and nearly succeeded except God wasn't ready for me yet and told me go back and try something different. I have many Vietnam Vets in my life and each and every one of them told me go to the VA. Finally, I put a call into mental health and they agreed to see that same afternoon. I spoke with a psychiatrist for for a couple hours. At the end of our meeting the Doc diagnosed my as being severely depressed, suffering from 100% service connected PTSD and just was a good thing I did not push my luck any further as it may have been too late. The true reason I did not follow through with suicide are several, the most important be that if I were to die at my own hand I would not get to heaven. By the way, I was still praying to Jesus on a regular basis, going to church, meeting with men from church, you name it. My new VA Doc wanted to commit me to the MH ward right there on the spot. I fought him on that and did not check in. He did give me a handful of drugs, got me to several meetings at the hospital and the VA Center. Slowly I started coming around but by that time it was too late to salvage much in terms of material assets. My home was gone, my business was gone, my wife was almost gone, I still played with suicide idealization and fantixation, I seem to be fixated on the idea because of all the damage I blamed on myself. Things have changed considerably over the past 15 or so years but I must remain diligent to protect myself. Depression is sneaky shit, I can never see it coming. I have a large collection of fire arms and I have never once fantasized about using a firearm My fantasy has always revolved around making it appear to be an accident. Believe me I have several ideas. My wife is nearly invalid and I can't do that to her, she has supported my all my life and she deserves more than having me abandon her this late in life. We are both nearly 70. We are on a very small fixed VA and SS income that gives up for and not much. Our home is falling apart around us, appliance are breaking down and we have no cash to do anything about any it. We cannot get credit, thanks to my stupidity.
This is a very long ass answer to a very short question. I hope this gets some attention to encourage my brothers and sisters, don't give up - try something - anything, until you find something that works. I apologize for the length of this message.

Change your environment. If you are constantly surrounded by a job, a location, or people that bring you down, then find something/anything new. Keep changing your environment until you find something that works. Life can change in a heartbeat. Some things happen that you have no control over, you also have enough control to completely change your own life. You get to decide where you live, your job, who you spend time with, personal activities. For me, I've experienced a changed in environment twice in my adult life that completely changed the way I felt nearly overnight.

Also, you can never predict the future, and though you haven't stated any intent to harm yourself, you should always keep in mind that the future holds limitless opportunity. THERE WILL be better times ahead. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. As already mentioned, some things happen that you have no control over, but these random events can just as equally change your life for the better. You have literally decades both to shape yourself and to be shaped by life. Most of all, know that you are not going through it alone. There are plenty of people who share and have shared in the feelings you're having. We are all on your side.

Surround yourself with simple, positive people who enjoy an active and uplifting lifestyle that you aspire to make a core part of your life. Remember: you are your own key to the door to your future.

Change your behaviour and respond to some of the nice people here who are trying to help you? I see you reaching out for help, but not one comment or like from you? (unless I missed it).
"I bottle everything in" - stop that. :-) You already recognized that is a terrible behaviour, so change it. If you need someone to talk to, call me! There are MANY people who will speak with you and who care about you.
"Still today I look back and wonder If I was treated right." - stop that too - living in the past and assuming perhaps since you weren't treated right, now your screwed up more somehow. Just start believing that there IS help out there, go find it, embrace it, and kick depression in the rear! Then - help others to do the same - much like I am trying to do for you!

Yesterday I was fighting off a serious bout with suicidal ideation. I do this fairly frequently, so I am hip to the tricks, and it was more like a bout of nausea or severe headache rather than something immediately life-threatening. It was one of those evenings when the wife texted me "WHERE ARE U??" and I was out in the car crying because I don't like to upset her with this stuff.

Even though there are days when I would answer the question "What is your greatest wish?" with "Not to wake up tomorrow morning!", I'm still here.

I'm not the best at being "still here, still vertical", but I'm always around to talk to people who share these issues.

Bottom line, surround yourself with positive, supportive people. The kind that will have your back through thick and thin.

David,
Important that you know that we all get up in the morning and put on one pants leg at a time and then go on w/ our day. You are not alone and you have to take one day at a time. Some days are better than others but you keep moving forward. 2 words of advice, you are not a doctor, so don't go it on your own (do what your doctor tells you).
Second, you are not the only one suffering; volunteer w/ the VA or some other organization and help someone. Quit focusing on you and focus on helping someone worse off than you............1 day at a time

Just remember: YOU'RE NOT ALONE! Yes, facts are facts, but everyone reacts differently to facts. When I say you're not alone, I too internalize things more often than I would like. I have my bouts with sadness, especially being away from my family at this time.

Daily I go to prayer with the Lord, thanking Him for placing me where I am and asking him for guidance with gifts that He blessed me. I also hit the gym and vent-out all my frustration whether on treadmill, elliptical, or out on the track. Please feel free to PM me at any time. I don't have a number being that I'm overseas, but I'll be happy to hear your frustrations.

Remember, Lord put you on this planet for a reason. Seek and you shall find it. Keep in touch!

Hello brother.

I call you "brother" because even though I've never met you, you chose to serve your country as well as battle through your depression. I,too, have depression. Before I go into my long winded response, I have but three words:

Go. Get. Seen.

I've had depression since 2009. My GF at the time, grandfather, and father all died that year while I was deployed. I guess I was indifferent because after the tears, I just kept going on with life as if it didn't affect me. I went to go get seen in 2011. I started getting medication in 2013.

The best thing for you to do is take care of yourself. You matter. Your life matters. What you want out of your life matters. Look at it this way, you're alive. You don't think you're strong? I've seen a lot of people take their lives because it was too late and nobody listened to them. It hurts me to see it happen, but the only way to beat it is to get the help you need. If you're not getting it, go somewhere else. Don't cheat yourself or your family by choosing to sit back and do nothing out of fear. The fear cripples us and you shouldn't let it.

Also, give yourself time to heal. It's not an overnight cure. You have to take your day, make it great, put it behind you, and do the same with the rest of the ones you have. Eat your favorite food. Do yoga. Work out. Take a nice long shower. Play video games. Build yourself up little by little, then, when you feel better about who you are, go meet people and keep the ones that will be there for you around. There's help, brother. You've got to take that first step in the door, though.

If you ever want to talk to just read my exhaustive statements, let me know. I'll listen to you and do what I can to help you through it.

First, find a counselor/therapist if you have not done so already. Also, what helped me, at the advice of a counselor in Iraq, was to write a daily journal of everything that happened and how you felt and what you did to fight the issues. Again, it worked for me. Think about it. If you feel it will help, then by all means do so. As the good CSM Uhlig stated, you have to fix you. We can suggest, but we cant fix. That part is up to you. Grab this particular bull by the horns, look deeply into its eyes, and spit in them.