How do you get through a tough persistent struggle?

I am talking something like 30 years.

The BCNR decision said I could have staid in with the honorable. It was a honorable. And the same decision said that if I staid in, I would of possibly gotten medical attention for the same condition that I was in the hospital in just months after discharge. That same condition was noted as stopping a Navy Army Transfer. That same condition was noted on Navy Records without even referencing the MEPS records that stopped the Navy Army Transfer. I never got a discharge physical. I was never given any review of DES, no VA counseling in service, normally given at a discharge transition physical, of some kind of benefits that the va even exists.

I was so unaware of the va after service it took literally 13 years after discharge for a Army Vet who found me, had me piggy back into his VSO, for the first time.

Before that I was oblivious.


Man I got to show you the police report that documented things got so low I was being sexually assaulted by a landlord who let me live in his house if I did work on it, in a rent trade barter, just to stay off the street. That spine condition literally had finally became symptomatic to the point I could barely walk, while living in that house. This was when I finally got the va as that army guy finally got me in there.

The spine musculoskeletal issue was a disqualifying condition stopping the Navy Army Transfer, off the ship.

Sometimes I wonder if it is easier to have a regular job in civilian life, say a secretary, who gets carpal tunnel from typing, and get recognized for the stressors of typing, for workers compensation purposes

But agai I can not get recognized for the stressors known of my job and the ship.

It as if I could never get injured. It was like I made an invisible pact that I could never get injured.

I am lonely. My mom saw all that as a kid going through that from 18-23 up to the point of the Navy Army Transfer. My mom saw all that. From 18-33. She passed away when I was 33. She only saw me have a hard time. I was the guy they worried about. She took me to the psych doctor. I never talked bout the ship because I had nothing to go on. I knew it hurt and sucked. But I could not talk about it. I was still in it.

I want to be proud. I want to be proud. I am like I want to meet a girl and say I lost all I lost it all multiple times. I got raped by a predator landlord who wanted to get my pants off while I battled the VA for a homeless housing voucher, denied because of my reserve enlistment, as that is all that had negative on me. I want to talk to her about cutting yourself just to feel. I want to talk to her about my missing family members who saw me struggle before I could finally talk about what it was like on that ship, and my failed Navy Army transfer. I want to be proud. I want to be proud. I am not ashamed. Everyone should get raped for rent. I think it is sort of funny what a guy will do when he is twisted and hurting and struggling trying to get a va housing voucher, with a reserve enlistment.

The pills they are not that strong tonight for some reason.

Man I say we are blessed.

I am going to try to stay up all night tonight to the morning

I am not sure what these people are exactly happy about.

I suppose I would say it was not fun or easy being the son of a vietnam combat vet who had no va support. We moved a lot at the craziest time just when I thought i might be making a friend with a neighbor. I joined the Navy to make up for his not being around when I was 18. My new family We The People.

But it is interesting how you could easily be forgotten in that aspect. They put me with a reserve enlistment assigned to a active duty ship, which mean a part time full time ass kicking for years which felt like a mental blender if you learned to play NFL Football by just reading the play book and instantly inserted into the game and sent home beat up bruised confused like man I literally am surprised I did not murder myself.

The BCNR decisions never reference the stressors physical or mental that are baseline for ship board duty for the deck crew. It was if I was on the USS Love Boat getting massages and it a Guided Missle Frigate the smallest little kick ass combatant ship of the era. It was not big boy Air Craft Carrier. I think somewhere I found the FFG was termed the Ghetto Navy. It was a ass kicking in so many ways beyond just 1.

And I had to literally be my own doctor

I’m not mixing things tonight.

I guess I type this at a bar. I type this

I met a Vietnam Vet who seemed lonely himself. I got a chance to share my dads info.