Joke for today! Any other good jokes post them!

http://www.duffelblog.com/2013/05/captain-charged-with-manslaughter-after-leaving-lieutenant-unattended-in-parked-car/

Captain Charged With Manslaughter After Leaving Lieutenant Unattended In Parked Car

Three things you never want to hear while in the army:

A Private say, "Based on my experience....."

A Second Lieutenant say, "Follow me, I know the way"

A Warrant Officer say, "Let's try this S**t one time."

For the Firefighters out there ...

There was a grass fire burning and quickly getting out of control.
A paid department was battling the fire and quickly losing the battle.
The Chief decided to call for mutual aid and the only department that could respond was a Volly outfit down the road.
Not 100% pleased the Chief accepted the aid with feeling of foreboding.
About 10 minutes later the Vollys show up in a battered old engine.
The Chief tried to wave them down to the Command Center, but the Vollys blew right past and as the Chief watched he saw them roll right into the center of the fire at which time the Vollys bailed out of the truck and starting fighting the fire with a vengeance.
The paid firefighters, feeling a bit ashamed, redoubled their efforts and shortly the fire was under control.
The Chief of the paid department walked over to the Volly Chief and said..
"You know, I really didn't hold you Vollys in very high regard until today. You guys did a hell of a job and that attack reeked of guts. I know you guys are strapped for cash so how would you like a nice cash donation.
At this the Volly Chief replied..
"Well .. getting the brakes done on the engine would sure help"

I love Rodney Dangerfield jokes. This list is a little long but funny as hell.
Memorable Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield:

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No,I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I was such an ugly baby,when I was born the Doctor slapped my Mother.

I went to see my DR, DR.Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well you got it again.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?".He said "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit- of-the-Loom guys giggling.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

The Dali Lama walks into a pizza parlor and asks the pizza guy:
"Can you make me one with everything?"

Skeleton walks into a bar, says "Gimme a beer...and a mop."

MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old Vietnam Veteran, Mr.Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One Day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept
my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the
hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your
pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
Yes, 'said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?

(You've gotta love this.)
Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

They Say It Works!!


This is the picture the Doctor shows to you if your erection lasts 4 hours or more.

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead,
gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”
Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”
Businessman: “Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes
Benz?”
Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”
Businessman: “How close?”
Flight Attendant: “Same price”