Posted on May 14, 2016
What are some of the questions that a spouse wants to ask when their significant other is deployed?
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Spouses have a lot of concerns and questions when their significant others are deployed or were deployed and they have returned.
They are afraid to ask the wrong questions, but need to reconnect with their spouse.
What can they ask, how should they ask it, and what do you consider to be taboo questions as a deployed service member?
Can we make this transiton easier?
They are afraid to ask the wrong questions, but need to reconnect with their spouse.
What can they ask, how should they ask it, and what do you consider to be taboo questions as a deployed service member?
Can we make this transiton easier?
Spouses
Deployment
What Would You Do
Communications
Marriage
Edited >1 y ago
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 9
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Questions can range from the humorous such as where did you leave the key to the ice chest to more practical such as where is the warranty information COL Mikel J. Burroughs.
The military has a program to assist grieving spouses which seems to be uniformly good across the nation. Some commands have better spousal support programs than others. Having a good support network is very important. Frequently the BN commander and CSM spouse is in the best position to maintain a spouse support network they are also frequently in the best position to be able to explain what is going on with the command and what sort of questions can be asked of deployed spouses.
The military has a program to assist grieving spouses which seems to be uniformly good across the nation. Some commands have better spousal support programs than others. Having a good support network is very important. Frequently the BN commander and CSM spouse is in the best position to maintain a spouse support network they are also frequently in the best position to be able to explain what is going on with the command and what sort of questions can be asked of deployed spouses.
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Deborah Gregson
These systems need to be more clear for spouses or significant others left behind. After my nieces husband was deployed and they had only been married a couple months, which included a move from Bragg to Eglin, she was a tad lost. She did use base services support programs, but didn't know what programs were available because they don't really advertise them. What did come together was immediate help for her when she had a miscarriage while he was away, and her family was in NC. She didn't know anyone as they'd only been there a short time before he was sent out, so she called the team leader's wife, as she should. That lovely woman met my niece at the hospital, handled the process of the ER and situation, manned the phone between my niece and family, made sure her husband was contacted and helped arrange for him to get home in a couple days (this was the loss of their first pregnancy). The team leader's wife was amazing and I'll always appreciate her kindness helping my niece in a scary and lonely trying time. He always left her with his POA, Health Care POA, his passwords, his vehicle and insurance info, his will and other legal papers, copies of his passport and such, a letter with his wishes. He was always very organized, realistic and prepared her well for being away. She was smart, resourceful, assertive and willing to learn. And we put our heads together a lot to solve problems.
In another situation on a social website I'm part of, young girls husbands and boyfriends were being deployed and they were all unsure what to do or how to handle it. We started a special closed group for deployed spouses/so, that let people ask questions, answer questions, give support, rant or just share their worries or issues, talk to each other. By the end of two years we'd gotten about 7 people through deployments living from NC to VA to AK to Germany. It was informal and we just looked for an answer when a question was asked, and made sure the answer was right. It worked.
In another situation on a social website I'm part of, young girls husbands and boyfriends were being deployed and they were all unsure what to do or how to handle it. We started a special closed group for deployed spouses/so, that let people ask questions, answer questions, give support, rant or just share their worries or issues, talk to each other. By the end of two years we'd gotten about 7 people through deployments living from NC to VA to AK to Germany. It was informal and we just looked for an answer when a question was asked, and made sure the answer was right. It worked.
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How long are you going to be gone? Who do I call in case of an emergency?.
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Since I have been on both sides of deployment, I didn't really have any questions... I knew what he was doing... I knew generally where they were going and what they were doing. But I did tell him that liberty buddy had to be a male. Period. And that no female was to be in his space with him (unless they worked there but he was with the Marines in Combat Cargo so there weren't any females.) I did ask where he went on liberty and what he did... that was much more interesting to me than the routine on the ship. I had that down pat.
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Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies? I think that there is one question they all want to ask but are afraid to ask: "Will you be okay?" And everyone will lie: "Yes, of course. I'll be back." "Okay" means a lot of different things. However, the truth is that nothing is "okay" about being deployed. Even if you return alive and in one piece, you're going to be changed and so will your spouse. You'll then need to create a whole new relationship. I suppose, then, that the most honest response is that your love will endure whatever happens, that you'll fall in love all over again (or you won't). It's a challenge that no civilian will ever understand.
I can't close this without commenting that there are other things that strain military marriages besides "deployment". As the operations officer in a strategic communications center I "deployed" everyday as I descended into the bowels of Oahu and passed through a vault door. What happened there, stayed there. Each night when I came home, my wife and I were not able to share my day (and night). I remember once when the DEFCON moved precariously and I returned home to switch into fatigues. I reminded her where the shelter was located and left. When I returned home two days later she was bewildered. There had been nothing in the news about the incident and I, of course, couldn't say a word about it. That too was a strain...
I can't close this without commenting that there are other things that strain military marriages besides "deployment". As the operations officer in a strategic communications center I "deployed" everyday as I descended into the bowels of Oahu and passed through a vault door. What happened there, stayed there. Each night when I came home, my wife and I were not able to share my day (and night). I remember once when the DEFCON moved precariously and I returned home to switch into fatigues. I reminded her where the shelter was located and left. When I returned home two days later she was bewildered. There had been nothing in the news about the incident and I, of course, couldn't say a word about it. That too was a strain...
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Deborah Gregson
This is like my niece's husband when he was deployed. There was no sending off, no welcome home, no communication while he was away. For her, a civilian totally new to the military life and marriage, it was really, really difficult. I kept reminding her she knew that going in to the deal, she had to trust him, God and carry on. It was a rough time for both of them, lots of maturing, talking, team leader wife and family/friend support. They made it but his decision was to not re-enlist after 12 years as it was just too hard on both of them at the time and he bravely put family ahead of his job. But not his duty, he got a civilian contract job and is doing amazing things with the skills he learned helping the military still.
Talking as openly as possible is the key, and both of you proving you are worthy of trust.
Talking as openly as possible is the key, and both of you proving you are worthy of trust.
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I'd say what to "do" instead of what to "ask". Just let us be for a little bit but be there for us. Ask questions relate to what we are sharing during our conversations. One thing don't ever say is "thank you for your service" to your love one. I was weird out and honestly, felt a little disgusted when I heard that after my last deployment. To keep it short, we are no longer together. Now I finally am able to articulate it: "Thank you for your service" is from a person who only (or mostly) gain from what your love one has sacrificed and the stanger really appreciates it. You scarify, too when your love one deploys. You miss him/her, you worry sick about him/her, you have to hold the fort down when he/she is gone, and most importantly, you have to deal with his/her heartache and unexplainable temper after redeployment. By you saying that meaning you don't feel nor do you have to deal with any of the above. That makes you a stranger.
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I'm sure they want to know if they will be able to communicate with their spouse via phone or internet, as well if they don't already know is there a support group for spouses, when they are deployed
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When I deployed, I simply passed on the info that my command told me to and we were good until my wife got 2 false death notifications. Thankfully I was able to contact her within a couple of days of the notifications. MWR phones saved my family a lot.
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As a Veteran For Peace and Pax Christi member I've been searching for that magic phrase, attitude or relationship to end the cycle of violence and fear. I believe I have some responsibility for the reactions of others, but I've got a responsibility to myself as well. I got to do what I got to do with what little Faith I have in others and in God. I do not envy all the victims of war including soldiers and their families. Peace and Healing to All.
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