What are some Private (E-1) horror or funny stories you've seen/heard?

As a brand new Private at my first duty station, I made an "on-the-spot correction" to the Division Commander. He laughed, until I told him it wasn't funny and that he needed to fix his deficiency, his aide about passed the hell out!

During a night jump on Holland DZ as a private I saw a group of guys standing around. I was a little turned around, so I went up to the first one I saw and asked him "Who the fuck are you?" He replied, "I'm Major General Scapperotti." I panicked and barely got my name out. One of his posse spun me around and pointed me in the right direction. I don't know if I've ever ran that fast with a ruck on ever.

Well, this was an E-2 horror story, but it's still pretty good.

I was assigned to Wing HQ at MCAS El Toro, a brand-new PFC...and I got assigned Squadron Duty Clerk. Basically, answer the phone if the Squadron Duty Officer wasn't there.

Well, an old lady called from Leisure World, complaining about the planes doing touch and goes, and how much noise they were making.

I ask, "Ma'am, did any of those planes have a red star on the wings or tail?"

"No."

"THANK GOD, THEY'RE OURS!"

It was worth getting chewed out in stereo by two Sergeants Major...especially because neither of them could keep a straight face.

My roomie was late for work. He was running and ran into and knocked down Gen Curtis LeMay. He said sorry sir I am almost late for work. General LeMay said "Well son you better get going."

When I was a 2LT, I had a PVT salute me with an ice cream cone in his right hand. smacked himself in the temple with a double scoop of vanilla.

We don't talk about fight club

When I first arrived to the 82nd in 2008, we had a BDE CSM that looked just like "Debo" from Friday. Everyone only referred to him as "Debo" so naturally, my dumb PFC self thought that was his name. So one morning I'm at the gym, and I see him, as I walked by I enthusiastically said "Good morning Sergeant Major Debo!". He quickly racked the about 400 lbs he was bench pressing (he was massive btw) and looked at me and said "WHAT DID YOU SAY PRIVATE?!?!" After I was done apologizing so as to not get my head crushed in, I was educated on what his real name was, and quickly egressed the area at Mach speed. That's the most scared I've been in my military career to date, and that includes any and all gunfights and IEDs lol!

While in the FL Guard, We thought it would be funny to put a centerfold under our company commanders vehicle, as the MP's were doing "bomb checks." He never figured out why his CUVEE got all the extra special attention going through the check point.

Being in the NG we have a lot of hometown Soldiers sign up etc. So one day my self and my Training NCO(SSG) were standing outside the front of the Armory admiring our freshly painted INF rock(another story another day). We happend to see an "individual" walking down the street in front of our armory wearing ACU bottoms a bright yellow tank top and issued boots. Well the curiosity got the best of us. So I yelled out SOLDIER! Said ind stops dead in his tracks and looks towards us. At that time the thermal target was engaged for both of us. Said Soldier comes running up. We start asking him all the relevant questions unit, MOS etc and reminding him that he needs to represent the uniform a little better. Come to find out he had just returned from AIT, was assigned not only to my unit, but also my Platoon. Needless to say not a good way to meet your PLT SGT and Squad Leader.

Oh did I mention he was also snacking on a bag of cheesy puffs? Not even the good ones...the cheap ones at that. So yeah his nickname from then on was Cheesy Puff.

While waiting our turn in line for chow at Edson Range, Camp Pendleton: A recruit was double-timing to get to chow. On his way past me and an old shipmate, the lad tripped. My buddy saw it coming. I didn't & he used me to break his fall. The commotion drew the immediate attention of about 10 "hats." --that, in itself, was a show. While I got a little dirt on my backside, the recruit was charged with assault on a commissioned officer. Charges were dropped. However, he had to carry a life-preserver suspended by on h-harness about his self for the balance of his time on the range.