What is sadness? What is this place? Why?

You look at your history. You are 38. The past 20 years your resume 18-38 would show below the poverty line all but 2 years where you made 20k 2 times 2 different jobs fired from both 26yo 2002 and 27yo 2003. Angry Despondent thinking it is all a failure just waiting to happen and not liking people having control over you finds you homeless happy living in a car trying to cut cost dreaming of a better life but one you control. But you can not handle stress and you can not handle stress from the expectations of others as your internal thought process. Basically a job is a instant emotion of failure and you are 26 2002. You never mention you served in the military honorably and what you were exposed. You are sad and well destroyed over that and don't even know where to start so you never bring it up to the doctors ever when you are there drop in emergency civilian PSYCH clinic visits 2002 2003 2004 for depression meds that seemingly work but are hard to get consistently if you miss an appointment at a poor persons drop in public psych clinic in San Diego. 2003 some guy you met eating lunch at whole foods in la jolla that was a great deal older next to UCSD said he was a doctor who did lab work and got in your head then became what you thought was a friend an older friend since you did not have a father or dad figure. You are so weak of spirit you take a substance that he says is going to make me feel better as soon as you enter this building in the middle of San Diego you never knew existed with no signs that ended up being a male bath house and now are stoned on some drug like a lost little dog unable to make sense of anything you can not even feel anything and indeed you are out of your mind, and you sort of recall what happens but you dont recall everything and basically you end up with herpes and you are destroyed. This event would be considered drug rape if it were a man and girl scenario. This is like some JOB event out of the BiBle of great plagues, Just a few years earlier you had a fiance and you thought your best friend a beautiful girl you met at 19 and in the NAVY and all shiny and bright and calm of mind 1995. You are trying Depression meds 2002 but The cycle of not gettin meds on time leaves you puking if you miss a drop in clinic visit to get your refill. This is a real concern and makes you not want to take them because the coming off of them is really sickening and you can not really believe you have to rely on these damn meds and you can not understand how you got this sad already by 26. You never mention you served in the military to them. You are sad and well destroyed over that and don't even know where to start so you never bring it up to the doctors. 2004 approximately you get a call that your missing dad since you were 10 years old approx is alive on the east coast and also a Vietnam Combat Vet. You dont put all the pieces together at the moment with all the other things going on but later you would put the pieces together to realized that actually makes you a Vietnam Dependent Homeless Child because when your dad became a violent drunk and your young mom was forced to leave and all of a sudden be homeless in Womens Shelters struggling 10 years old and you were exposed to a DAD who had untreated 66-68 Vietnam Combat PTSD, you would never hear one word of support from the VA. 2005 29 years old, angry sad at the demons of broken dreams of a failed military career you started at 18 and a fiance that dumped you by the time you were 22, you randomly drive to San Francisco Bay Area and end up in a Suicide 5150 Intake cutting and having anxiety attacks. The doctors who get you back on meds for depression , you will never mention that you served honorably in the military and all the things that happened, and the doctors will notate many self hating lonesome thought processes of not 'Fitting in" "Feeling Wierd about yourself" Why do people hate me?" "YOu just wanted to fit in" 2006-2007-2008. But Still you fight thinking it is just a time you will wake up and feel great. You get a lucky break you feel and meet a lady who needs a live in handyman as she is just recovering from Cancer Treatment, 2006-2008 and do handyman work and barter for rent and you think wow I can barter for rent for old rich people and that will be my life and you are feeling like that is ok and better then working for anyone like a real job that you would fail at and get fired from. 2008 You get a house to paint which is a big job and hire local city african american kids who no one else will hire. YOu pay them to learn thinking they are learning and you are proud to help out inner city kids who no one else seems to want to support with work. A city council member in Oakland takes notice. They want to support you. They ask if you have a contractors license. YOu say no. but you look into getting one. You are not much into laws. But now you are thinking that to start a Non Profit training at risk youth is your goal in life. YOu do get a contractors license study your ass off just at the same exact time, all of a sudden your tools are stolen in a grand theft out of a warehouse inside job possibly, and just to add more insult the owner kicks you out of that house that was your stable home of a couple of years the most stable you been in all your adult life and its 2008. You are homeless again. You get a used 1976 RV for 1800. YOu park it and try to figure what to do next. YOu are numb. You are overwhelmed. The non profit idea keeps you dreamy to make something of your life. But you are a stress case. You are unstable. You are undiagnosed. You never talk about what happened in the military yet that happened when you were 20 21 22 1996 1997 1998. Gay guys try to get you to barter for rent. But that is all bad news as they are looking for something other then an even exchange. They are trying to perv on a weak guy who is ill basically 2009 . YOu battle. YOu find more comfort in underground fighting for no money at a local biker bar and some videos of you end up on youtube.

The stories get worse and worse. Then you apply for SSDI 2011 with never mentioning that you served int he military at all, and they award you SSDI for Anxiet and Mood Disorders 2011, completely messed up and finally realizing and admitting you can not pull out of this which is something new to you as you always fought and was in denail before about not feeling correct of healthy anymore starting back in 1998.

So what happened that you never talked about before.

You were a reservist..wait..no you joined the United States NAVY 1994 in some odd little program called the Sea and Air Mariner Enlistment that basically no one knew existed. And you never once met another Sea and Air Mariner Enlistment in the fleet. You were awarded the best recruit award and advanced paygrade in bootcamp graduation 1994. You were trained just like every other young 18 year old NAVY sailor in bootcamp and succeeded in spades 1994 with the best recruit award. From there You were sent as the ONLY truley the ONLY Part time Never having Prior Service NAVY Sailor Junior enlisted Undesignated with 30 Prior Service NAVY SELRES Veterans of Prior Service Rated who reported with you to this Complete 100 percent Operational Guided Missle Frigate FFG in San Diego to do Augment Support every month deployed at SEA. So how does a kid 19 take 2 days a month in a full time combat ship full of Full Time Sailors who are basically borrowing you for a weekend and have no loyalty to you for the rest of the month after beating you up and running you ragged for 48 hours doing any and all hazardous duties mental and physical that the Normal Full Time 15 other Deck SN are doign. Are there any other examples in the history of the NAVY that sends 1 inexperienced non prior service junior enlisted undesignated SN 2 days a month in full Operational Support of an Active Service Full Operational Battle Ship??? The Full Time Crew Deck SN had medical care that moniters them for the rest of the month for illness. They get fed. Their life is the ship. They are protected by leadership that moniters them. They are indeed a brother hood and family living together on the ship.

I am just some SN who shows up every month to be used how ever they see fit doign all and any back breaking or hazardous mental or physical duty that they do every day any day.

But I do not have health care off the ship. I have no support mechanisms or millitary Leadership to undersant adn put in context stuff and have proper expectations off the ship.

I am not a VET from Prior Service yet. I can not go to a Medical Treatment Facility in between drills and 2 days at SEA every month even for the sure to be expected Sea Sickness that does not wear off for days or even a week or more after 2 hard days of heavy seas off the Pacific Coast in mid watch Lookouts that would freesze me so hard that I still recall.

And then the Bullying or basically interpretation that I was a reservist and a waste of time and something to be looked down on. But I was not someone to consider quote unqoute a NAVY Honorable Sailor to be honored respected and given a fair shake.

I was supposed to go to the ship and with only 2 days a month come up with experience to feel comfortable as comfortable as the other E3s who were full time.

I was taught to" fit in " in bootcamp.

That was a right of passage to fit in and be part of a team in bootcamp. And since I was a high school varsity team leader in cross country and track 1994 and was used to fitting in and leading, bootcamp reinforced that team atmosphere and I prospered.

But that was all stripped away quickly and efficiently and destructively in the fleet.

I was this odd charachter that had no expeirence worth a damn on a full time NAVY guided missle frigate every month. I had 2 arms 2 eyes and 2 legs 2 ears and a brain to remember. They used those quite well to pick up things to move things to shine things to belittle to overwhelm to push to prod to give a microfocused lazer approach of training and absorbtion that "no' ONE ELSE, on the ship or anyone in the NAVY in general had to withstand. They did it all without caring how I felt off the ship after a couple days of that every month.

As long as I came back and could still stand I was fit for duty.

If the rest of my life was falling apart then they would never ask or care.

Here is the breakdown of the Personel Instances of Service Member Full Time Sailor things that stuck and stick in my head that were never told to another soul on the eart off the ship save maybe my fiance 1 time about 1 instance of which I was ashamed and really overwhelmed by. But that was just 1 of multiple instances. And here they are for the first time.
I have gotten access to ship records of ships company when I was attatched. I have names now. So the people I forgot names now I have.

My memories forgotten now are recalled.

1996 a Full Time Deck SN Sho;;;lee propositioned me sexually alone in berthign which is called harrasment and it threatened and upset me to talk outloud about it and he was no longer part of the ships company recors will show in that time frame. But I was never told why he was not around. I was a part time sailor every month. So when I would leave for a month he was gone the following month no explanation given.

1997 Full Time BM3 Murd=== Verbally talked to me about having a firearm at his home and I should be concerned if I ever saw him in public. A death threat that would be considered. A Full Time LPO BM1 separated me and had me give a statement and I felt obligated to tell the truth that the sailor indeed did say these things. If it was talking in the heat of passion of anger it still was a threat and I was not sure what to do but just tell what actually happened. I was informed the following month that Murd+++ went to NJP and lost his paygrade and other punishments. I was never given therapy and I was depressed and confused and really bummed about the whole situation. And I thought the other SN all Full Time were against me by then. I could never feel or be accepted.

Now I was just reporting not due to having Shipmates I trusted but due to obligation of my enlistment. I was now not even there when I was there.

1998 the new Command Master Chief assaulted me and threatened my career verbally due to a dirty uniform at SEA.

1998 I requested a transfer NAVY to ARMY to get off this ship and start my life over.
The ARMY MEPS physical DQd me 3 service disqualifying injuries illnesses and no one treated me or notified the NAVY or if they did notify the NAVY and the SHIP then the NAVY never treated me. I had to report for duty tiill 2002 honorably discharged.

But by the time I was discharged I was never given a seperation physical.


I tried to join the army

And guess what this enlistment does not get a DD214. So the VA does not care what I did in service. They disown me and threaten me at the door and people disown me where is your DD214????