What is the funniest thing you've seen or experienced while deployed?

My squad was securing a perimeter for unit member exfil who'd be killed by a sniper. The sniper struck again and my medic doc came crawling from under the humvee in the direction of fire. I asked him wtf he was doing and where was our squad leader. He laughed then ran around the other side, we dragged him treated his neck wound and put him in the humvee. As we began Casevac to the CASH in Bahgdad a vehicle got in between our convoy. Our gunner refused to open fire after I ordered him to engage. Everyone in the vehicle started yelling for him to engage including our wounded squad leader, and the vehicle pulled over. Doc had hit our SSG with morphine and it must have just kicked in because right that moment he thought it was a good time to tell a joke. "A horse walks into a bar".. was the only thing he could manage to say and we started balling as he passed out. Needless to say he survived.

I am terrified of spiders. One night on the way back into our building a camel spider ran up my leg straight to the man bits and I screamed like a little girl. Next day we came back from a mission and on top of the white board on my door was a camel spider. I did not know it was dead and sat outside checking every few minutes to see if it had left. Eventually someone tossed it on my head and I had the same reaction only this time in a building with a nice echo. And many many eyes magically appeared out of doors.

It took me a week or so to figure out who put it there but eventually I got on eBay and ordered the biggest floppiest dildo I could and had it anonymously sent to the dead spider placer. He opened the box in the ops office and when he grabbed hold and pulled it out he tossed it. It flopped across the floor and stopped on the commanders boot who picked it up, smacked him a couple times in the face with it then just like it was nothing at all told him to pick up his toys.

I don't know if it was the funniest, but at Camp Phoenix, Kabul. I was the ranking guy in my B-hut since they drew the line at single living quarters right at the E-7 line. Although I wasn't mission aligned with these characters, I was still responsible for our living quarters.
We had "the dirty kid" with us, his "room" was the worst...at one point - the guys he convoyed and worked with tossed a salami that they had received in a Christmas care package into his room. I wasn't aware of it, until...I was injured and stuck back on the Camp in my room. That extra time in the B-hut made me wonder what the hell was that funk?!
I found the ring leader, E-5, and asked...he told me the basics, then I just had to ask, "How long has it been lost in there?" SMH, he said..."3 months".

Wall Mart at Mogadishu Airport was funny.

Afghanistan: Two things happened from the same incident.

We are returning to the COP from a supply run at the FOB. We r ambushed from the side and more than handled the situation. While the trucks are sitting there (one of them the supply LMTV), a kid on a bicycle rides past. At this time, the LMTV driver is pissed because we did not block the road and people were just driving by like it wasn't a big deal (Be advised that yes the platoon did not properly pull a block on the road. MOVING ON). All of a sudden, I see the LMTV lurch towards the kid and cause the kid to go off the road and down the embankment and flip over not only his handlebars, but completely clear his bike and land on his backside.

Later on, the QRF unit arrives. By now the situation is beyond under control. Their guys get on the ground and start walking up and down the road to figure out where they are needed. There were ditches on the side of the road (opposite of where the kid fell off the bike). One of the soldiers found it and went in all the way up to his arms.

DD963-class destroyer. Two-man JO stateroom. Just before deployment went out on the town for the first time with shipmates including my roommate, who turned out to be a blackout drunk after one beer. Carried him back to the ship, got him across the quarterdeck, and poured him into my lower bunk. In the morning he was off taking a shower, and I saw that he had peed in my bunk during the night. I stripped all the sheets, swapped mattresses, said nothing: it never happened. Except, when I was detached from ship's crew two years later he confided to me that he had peed in my bunk that night. I then confided to him that I had swapped mattresses, upon which he became furious: "How could you do that to me?"

We were in the woods on a 3 day exercise. The S-4 had failed to contract for porta-potties, so we had no choice but to dig expressly forbidden catholes. Well, our fister (fire support officer) didn't have his e-tool, so he was gonna surface lay one. He slipped, freaked out, and crabwalked his coveralls through it. Last seen in his skivvies in the back of the First Sergeant's HMMWV, headed to the rear, because he didn't have any more uniforms, either. By the time we got back, he had been transfered.

Late January 1969 the brass at USARV Hqs were nervous about a possible repeat of Tet'68 so they wanted a more effective QRF which meant that we got dragged out of the field and stationed temporarily in Saigon.
Of course the army had no room for us so we ended up staying at Tan Son Nhut air base.
And, of course, the Air Force didn't want us so we were given a mud hole on the back side of the airfield -- absolutely as far as possible from the base headquarters, barracks, PX, etc. When I say "mud hole" I mean that literally -- we were in a dirt field that was mostly underwater.
We were surprised to find that there was no berm or any sort of defensive barrier -- just a fence made of woven barbwire (not even concertina, just regular barbwire with the strands about a foot apart).
The sequence was: City, Fence, Us, Perimeter Road, Entire Airfield, Air Base.
We didn't care, it wasn't great duty, but it was still better than being out in the jungle.

The Air Force security police would drive around the perimeter road about hourly. Because we were the only thing along that road, and we were far from their Hqs, they would often stop to chat and have a cup of coffee out of sight from their bosses.

One of our guys asked them why there wasn't a berm or at least a better barrier. The Air Force sergeant explained that the airfield was an open field of fire that the enemy would have to cross to reach the actual base. Then he added that we shouldn't worry because in case of any ground attack one of their patrol vehicles would be at our location within just a few minutes to defend us. (He was absolutely serious.)

His patrol vehicle was a Cadillac Gage V-100 "Commando" car equipped with an M60 machine gun. We were a tank company of 17 M48A3 tanks. I don't think he ever understood why we found that funny.

Desert Storm - one of my PVT's showed me a letter he had written to his girlfriend at home, asked me to edit it for grammar. I did that, then rewrote another with a lot of filthy sexual language about what he would do to her when he got home. He read the second one and got a little hot, then I showed him the first corrected copy, he got the joke but decided to hang on to both. Couple of weeks later he comes back all pissed because he sent the wrong one to his girl...

Had a battle hardened NCO drinking over his limit and on his way to base housing. He cut across Officer territory. One particular Officer was rather persnickety and took issue with the trespass. The Officer contacted the NCO's superior. The LTC who was over the unit asked the NCO's direct supervisor 1LT what he was going to do. The 1LT awarded the NCO a Safety commendation for not driving home and using good safety protocols. The Offended Officer was invited to the ceremony.