What is your favorite "Officer vs. NCO" anecdote?

My former BDE commander hosted a football game for senior leaders: NCOs vs. officers. Guess how that turned out?

The colonel had a dozen LTs and CPTs in their 20s competing against a bunch of old, broken NCOs who had been through hell and high water from the wars.

Of course the officers won but by Almighty God, the NCOs were NOT going down without a fight! Bless their hearts...and herniated disks...and pinched nerves...and replaced knees...

We were doing a multi-unit contingency exercise that involved a mobile high value marine asset. A young ensign (O1) was supposed to serve as one of the evaluators. I was a chief (E7 - a position accorded much respect in the maritime services) at the time and had known him earlier as an E5. I took great joy in reminding him of that.

As the morning's evolution was about to kick off, the ensign's ride to the "asset" didn't materialize as planned. He was in a panic, and running around the dock like a mad man trying to determine the best way to get off shore to his assigned position before the exercise started. I was dockside preping my crew for the festivities as we were one of the OPFOR boats, and was more than enjoying the young man's mayhem. After several chaotic minutes, he spied me at the end of the dock, and came running to our boat...."Chief, they surgically removed my ability to make common decisions at OCS. What should I do?"

"Get on the boat sir. We'll get you there."

Point Enlisted!!

E comes before O and 7 is higher than 2 as a kind-hearted platoon sergeant once enlightened me.

Waaaaaaay back when I was a salty sea dog, I was sitting in the CSMO's office filling out some red tag stuff and he was ragging on a few enlisted guys to our new Ensign, I grew a little tired of what he was saying. I politely interjected "Sir just remember if all of the officers fell overboard, this ship would still be able to go to war and fight, without us you would be incapable of doing that, we only need you here for when something goes wrong." OOOOOOOHHHH buddy was that not something he wanted to hear, he kicked his trash can and told me to get out. Later that day my Master Chief (who's desk is in the same office) came up to me and shook my hand, told me he would have given me a NAM for that comment if he could have.

My favorite Officer/NCO joke:

A military officer in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a Non-Commissioned Officer below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The NCO below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an NCO" said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the NCO, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the officer, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The NCO below responded, "You must be an Officer."

"I am," replied the officer, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the NCO, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Senior NCOs are smarter than junior officers because junior officers come out of college saying "In class, we learned how to lead from a book"... NCOs say "In the real world, we learned how to lead from our experiences..."

As some of you may know I was enlisted for about 10 years and got up to being a SSG. I am often told that I turned to the dark side. After much vexation, which out that is an officer word, I turned to one of the SGT's and said.

"You know what. The culmination of your career as an NCO is telling people to stay off the grass. The culmination of my career as an officer will be commanding a Brigade or higher!"

He stopped and thought about and pretty much agreed with me. We were good friends and are still.

Had the chance to spike a volley ball in Maj Gen Div Commander's face in Desert Storm at PT. I chickened out. Probably wouldn't have been a good career move!

I had a new division officer come onboard - typical ring knocker (if you know what I mean). As an intercept operator I got to know all sorts of "fists" - even gave them names, all printed up and listed alpha-numerically on a sheet of paper with appropriate NSFW comments. This particular Ensign chose to take my sheet, duplicate it and send it up with a report of "current events" to the Captain (Navy O-6 for you non-Navy types) - with what he thought was the proper decrypt and analysis. In the report the Ensign reported there was one particular "target" which seemed to be causing the greatest concern and recommeded additional resources and funding to resolve the issue. Said target was: "extremely difficult to locate on HFDF and does not respond to known rules of engagement combined with inconsistent behavior and severe retarded attributes"

In his summation, the Ensign recommended highest priority be given to the call sign 1D-10T/01.

Apparently the "old man" had a sense of humor and already knew about my "crib sheet". The report came back with the hand written notation: "Agreed. Have Petty Officer Medley see me.

SFC (Join to see) Oh, this is going to be soooo easy!! LOL Where's MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca SSG V. Michelle Woods

Okay but this is a true story. I was going to be a captain of my softball team but was discouraged at the lack of participation so I did an ad lib roster like Lou Gehrig, Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth. One afternoon, the weather commander #MAJ looking at the list and I swear to God that he said this:

I don't know most of the people on this list. Who is Babe Ruth?

As soon as he left the on duty weather observer started laughing.