What's the craziest thing you've seen in the barracks?

OIF 2010- that October my squad leader received a whole pumpkin from his wife for Halloween, by the time it got to us it was rotten and soggy. Well naturally we cut a hole in the shape of a vagina and placed bets on who will fuck it..... neatless to say theres always that one - a damn private ended putting his dick in, a week later his balls where swollen lol

When I was stationed in Japan we had a health and comfort inspection from the bass Co and I was at the very end of the hall on the third floor Barracks when I saw the Co walking towards my buddies room he opened up the wall Locker nearest to the door and a life-sized Asian sex doll fell out and then my Colonel tackle them cuz they thought it was a real person

Statute of Limitations has not run out yet. I am legally bound to remain silent.

My first duty station, Fort Hunter Liggett circa 1981. We had open bay barracks and the first fall I was there it literally rained marijuana from the heating vents when the DPW turned the heat on, and I'm not talking a fleck here or there I mean rained like fricken snow, the crap was on everything. Seems one of the nefarious SP4's due to chapter out had a huge stash hidden in the vent at the end of the bay near the blower. Yep you guessed it; we had to haul every stick of furniture out of the barracks, open and shake all our gear out, conduct a heavily supervised GI party and generally get screwed with endlessly for his brilliant maneuver.

While in AIT at Fort Leonard Wood we had a "nut job" that should never of been allowed in the Army. He was just a waste of time and effort. We lived in the old WWII type open bay barracks at this time in 1978. During a barracks inspection he was all messed as usual! We could here our Drill Instructor yelling at him upstairs and then we heard something bouncing down the stairs. I really believed our DI had thrown him down the stairs, but our "nut job" had jumped head first trying the hurt/kill himself. The DI walked over and told him to get back upstairs. "Nut job" got up slowly and headed back upstairs. The DI yelling started again and all of us on the lower floor were wondering what was going on up there and having a good laugh. Again we hear him bouncing down the stairs as he tried to hurt himself again. We were all kind shocked, but trying not to laugh either because of the situation. Again he was told to get back upstairs. He was slower getting up, but he soon headed upstairs again. Next thing we know we see him flying off the upstairs balcony. By this time we were hysterical because he kept doing something to hurt himself. Our DI got tired of the game by then and asked someone to go call for an ambulance and he was hauled off to get a medical evaluation. He showed up later that day from the hospital. Last time I seen the "nut job' he had stabbed himself a bunch of times in the arm to make himself bleed to death at lunch. He was thrown down by several people and held there while first aid was done until the ambulance arrived. He was gone after that and we never saw him again. Funny thing, after 2 trips down the stairs and one off the balcony, he didn't break a bone or anything. That had to be the craziest thing I had ever seen. Go figure!!!

I once saw a new Private with the muzzle of a .50 Cal lodged in his rectum. This was not in the barracks, but rather in the Company Arms room. Thank you, 82nd.

OIF 2009. We had a douche bag CAB chaser LT. One day he went to one of our squad leaders room and knocked,
SGT: "Gimme 5 minutes"
LT: "Fuck that. I got shot to talk to you about now" and opens door.
SGT: Watching porn and beating off. Never misses a stroke. "What's up sir?"
LT: Tries to rush out of the room.
SGT: "You're in here now. What do you want?"

One of the drill Sgts. During basic was on night gaurd. He decided to sneak into our Barracks and bark and howl like a dog. He didn't know that one of my battle buddy's is afraid of dogs and started crying!

Hi, PO3 Yates.

A friend stationed at Goodfellow AFB in San Angelo, TX, for Intel school had a Morale, Welfare, and Recreation (MWR) check late one night. The AF Security Force personnel brought in a canine to sniff for drugs. The dog keyed onto something in her wall locker. While the rest of the room was inspectable, the wall locker wasn't, and it was easy just to throw stuff in there. So, the dog takes off into her pile of laundry and unmentionables looking for contraband. The SF troop thought he had hit the mother lode and started cheering him on and motivating the Belgian Malinois to pull up whatever he had sniffed.

He resurfaced with a half-eaten Twinkie.

Got a call from the MPs when I was a company commander. A female PFC in my company was kind of "red neck". She was on a outside stair well with a compound bow shooting a deer target in the court yard, using the stair well as a makeshift deer stand. Getting ready for bow season.
In her defense, a compound bow was not on the list of prohibited items in the barracks. That immediately changed.