Posted on Jun 21, 2017
From "Lifer" to Family Man: The Decision
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Back when I started in the Marines, my plan was to be a “lifer”. I had a plan: take one college course each semester I wasn’t deployed, get experience volunteering, and become a Master Gunnery Sergeant (E9) before retirement. I couldn’t even imagine a life after the Corps - that was how deeply I felt about it, but eventually my priorities changed.
I saw my fellow Marines moving on after a few years in the service - some as little as four years, some as many as 12 years later. Their reasons were always different. When my first re-up came, I was close to getting out for purely selfish reasons because everyone at the E4 level thought getting out was the cool thing to do. It took deep thought to steer me in the right direction; I was getting married, and had just received the fattest bonus I was ever offered. I needed to stay in. After my wedding, I shipped out to Japan for three years, re-enlisted, and got more money. Japan was the best place to grow and mold me into a Marine, and I ended up being selected as Staff Sergeant (E6) in six years.
Later on, I found myself in New Orleans, and I realized that I might need to re-think my plan of staying in. Being a married man made me prioritize my family, largely thanks to my wife. I was closer with my family than I had been in a long time, and was enjoying every moment we spent together.
Another factor that was pushing me to reconsider my time in the Corps was, when sharing a building with reservists, my comrades were constantly retiring around me. I was in a command that joked about being the place where Marines go to die. Many officers I served with went through early retirement, and so did many staff NCOs.
I realized that when these individuals were retiring, they were hurting physically. Personally, I did not want to be a broke man, husband, or father…but then one day my fears came to life and I broke my foot. I was just going for a run, and an undiagnosed stress fracture snapped. It was then, about a year before reenlistment, that I knew I would not be in for another 20 years.
It wasn’t because I felt weak or broken for life just because of one broken foot. It was the accumulation of all these concerns hitting me at once, and my reluctance to put my family through many more upheavals, along with the physical and emotional stress of living a military-centered life.
I still loved what the Corps represents (still do); I met some of the greatest people and friends through the military, and we were so darn good at what we do (for the most part). I just felt that it was a “selfless” devotion to my country but a selfish move for my family to suffer through. It was time to reluctantly move on, because I knew that if I stayed, I would be making more tours overseas and I wasn’t going to be the family man I wanted to become.
I came to terms that my decision was the right one. It wasn’t an easy decision, but it was the right one for me. I’m sure many of you have felt similarly during your careers as well - how have you dealt with these big life and career decisions?
I saw my fellow Marines moving on after a few years in the service - some as little as four years, some as many as 12 years later. Their reasons were always different. When my first re-up came, I was close to getting out for purely selfish reasons because everyone at the E4 level thought getting out was the cool thing to do. It took deep thought to steer me in the right direction; I was getting married, and had just received the fattest bonus I was ever offered. I needed to stay in. After my wedding, I shipped out to Japan for three years, re-enlisted, and got more money. Japan was the best place to grow and mold me into a Marine, and I ended up being selected as Staff Sergeant (E6) in six years.
Later on, I found myself in New Orleans, and I realized that I might need to re-think my plan of staying in. Being a married man made me prioritize my family, largely thanks to my wife. I was closer with my family than I had been in a long time, and was enjoying every moment we spent together.
Another factor that was pushing me to reconsider my time in the Corps was, when sharing a building with reservists, my comrades were constantly retiring around me. I was in a command that joked about being the place where Marines go to die. Many officers I served with went through early retirement, and so did many staff NCOs.
I realized that when these individuals were retiring, they were hurting physically. Personally, I did not want to be a broke man, husband, or father…but then one day my fears came to life and I broke my foot. I was just going for a run, and an undiagnosed stress fracture snapped. It was then, about a year before reenlistment, that I knew I would not be in for another 20 years.
It wasn’t because I felt weak or broken for life just because of one broken foot. It was the accumulation of all these concerns hitting me at once, and my reluctance to put my family through many more upheavals, along with the physical and emotional stress of living a military-centered life.
I still loved what the Corps represents (still do); I met some of the greatest people and friends through the military, and we were so darn good at what we do (for the most part). I just felt that it was a “selfless” devotion to my country but a selfish move for my family to suffer through. It was time to reluctantly move on, because I knew that if I stayed, I would be making more tours overseas and I wasn’t going to be the family man I wanted to become.
I came to terms that my decision was the right one. It wasn’t an easy decision, but it was the right one for me. I’m sure many of you have felt similarly during your careers as well - how have you dealt with these big life and career decisions?
Transition
Military Career
Marines
Re-enlistment
Command Post
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 26
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SSgt Nicholas (Nick) Hiddemen
Thanks. This is the first part of a four part series they will be publishing.
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Sounds like you did exactly what you should have. We all have our priorities in life and make the decisions we do based on them (usually). People called me stupid for ETSing after 9 years. They said some things like "what you gonna go flip burgers" and the like. I don't regret the decision to ETS one bit. Had I stayed in I would be retiring in 7 months and still don't regret it. I have a great career and I am happy.
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SSgt Nicholas (Nick) Hiddemen
Sounds all too familiar! "It's hard out there." "You really think your gonna make it or have what you do now?" Got that a few times by some of those reservists. I am with you in that I loved the Marines but I am not regretting anything I did at this point. Thanks for reading and your comment.
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I was always tagged as a lifer, even back in high school. My decision to leave at 11 years was much easier, though... I was MDQ'd. Wasn't an easy transition. I will admit, I fell into a little bit of disarray afterward, especially due to some heavy drinking. I got my VBA papers in, though I had to wait two years for my rating to come through. I was on unemployment, since even the IT market in my area was pretty hit. Took a little while for me to get off my ass and start looking through and applying to colleges... but I finally did. I took my PM skills and started applying them to my life. Set milestones for myself. Started dredging myself out of the muck. Even though, admittedly, I was still in the bar nightly because my college classes were stupid easy and only the labs really required me to put in any effort... just above minimal. But I kept those long term goals in mind, and forged ahead.
I hit some setbacks along the way. Especially once I graduated. I found the civilian job market was still pretty unforgiving, even when you had all the right qualifications. Executive jobs were looking for alphabet soup. I never even got a response from anyone for 6 months. I had one interviewer buzzer in my ear for a question I knew I had right... probably trying to see how I reacted to being rattled, but it was still a dick move on her part, and I just tanked the rest the interview because screw that company if that's how they want to be represented by their HR script monkey. I had one CFO look me in the eye and tell me that unlike how it is in the military, civilians often have to wear multiple hats. I finally got into a position in academia, but that didn't last long because the position was being looked at for budgetary constraints. Fortunately, I was able to land a position within federal service... something I swore I was going to try to stay away from. But I had to change the game plan up. And right now, it's the best decision I could have made. For right now, and for my future.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, the best way I found to deal with the transition was setting my goals where I wanted to be down the road. Life, as always, changed the path, but I just found a detour toward my destination. That helped me stay focused on my new life after the uniform. Helped me from falling completely into the abyss so many others fall into. I used whatever advantages that I could to get me where I am right now, and I'll continue to use them as I move my way up. I'll be able to retire at 58 with 32 years active service... but who knows, maybe I'll stick around another 5 years for that extra 10% on the pension. It all depends. But I'll have options. And that makes all the difference.
I hit some setbacks along the way. Especially once I graduated. I found the civilian job market was still pretty unforgiving, even when you had all the right qualifications. Executive jobs were looking for alphabet soup. I never even got a response from anyone for 6 months. I had one interviewer buzzer in my ear for a question I knew I had right... probably trying to see how I reacted to being rattled, but it was still a dick move on her part, and I just tanked the rest the interview because screw that company if that's how they want to be represented by their HR script monkey. I had one CFO look me in the eye and tell me that unlike how it is in the military, civilians often have to wear multiple hats. I finally got into a position in academia, but that didn't last long because the position was being looked at for budgetary constraints. Fortunately, I was able to land a position within federal service... something I swore I was going to try to stay away from. But I had to change the game plan up. And right now, it's the best decision I could have made. For right now, and for my future.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, the best way I found to deal with the transition was setting my goals where I wanted to be down the road. Life, as always, changed the path, but I just found a detour toward my destination. That helped me stay focused on my new life after the uniform. Helped me from falling completely into the abyss so many others fall into. I used whatever advantages that I could to get me where I am right now, and I'll continue to use them as I move my way up. I'll be able to retire at 58 with 32 years active service... but who knows, maybe I'll stick around another 5 years for that extra 10% on the pension. It all depends. But I'll have options. And that makes all the difference.
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SSgt Nicholas (Nick) Hiddemen
Totally agree that you have to set goals and standards for yourself once out. I have met a lot of Vets who think that being a Vet will get them the job alone, but there is a lot too it, which I will go into on my next article.
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Absolutely! I grew up in an army family, my dad was a lifer 21.5 years. I knew from the age of 9 that I would be a soldier but like you after being married and having children i tore my miniscus in my left knee and knew that I needed to look at other options. I have missed the army but I don't regret leaving. I've been able to do so many different things in my life. I have a son in the army now and am very proud of him. I wouldn't change anything.
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SSgt Nicholas (Nick) Hiddemen
Glad to hear you are satisfied with your life and everything worked out. Thanks for reading and your comment.
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SSGT Hidderman that decision still lies before me somewhere but thank you foe sharing your story with me it puts things into perspective.
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Me? I still miss the military. Had a lot of good fun and friends. Saw many countries. It took a couple long years to adjust. Took about 2 days to become a "regular guy" when I retired the state police. For different reasons.....
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I know this is a bit older, and I’m getting closer to the end of my 5 year contract and I’m in a similar situation to you at first. I’ve been offered a decent sized bonus, married with a child and one on the way. I’m highly considering the option of reenlistment especially with me finally being select E-4 after so many years of being where I’m at.
I’ve convinced myself to do at least one more, with my body wearing down from 4 years of Cross Country/Wrestling and Track in high school and then my current 4 years in the military, it entirely depends on if my body is going to be able to handle a third term or not.
Your story definitely has given me a ton of insight on to what I can potentially see in the future should I continue down the path I’m on now.
Thank you!
I’ve convinced myself to do at least one more, with my body wearing down from 4 years of Cross Country/Wrestling and Track in high school and then my current 4 years in the military, it entirely depends on if my body is going to be able to handle a third term or not.
Your story definitely has given me a ton of insight on to what I can potentially see in the future should I continue down the path I’m on now.
Thank you!
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SSgt Nicholas (Nick) Hiddemen
Man, it is a tough situation that requires a lot of thought. I would say, do whatever you think is best for your family and you. A lot of Vets think they have to have a job right out the gate and that is not the case. I will say, get on the job hunt ASAP, if that is what you choose. If you do end up wanting to get out, feel free to hit me up on here or LinkedIn, as I do help transitioning Vets on the side, especially fellow Marines. If you stay in, it will be easier in the short term, and depending on your body, it could hurt the long term. If you want to chat about your options with someone who will be unbiased, feel free to reach out. Either way, it is a tough decision to make, and I wish you the best. Thanks for the comment, and Semper FI.
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