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Your buddy calls you late at night, wanting to hang out because he or she doesn’t want to be alone. While talking they make a few comments that stand out to you: I mess everything up; I’m worthless; people would be better off if I wasn’t around anymore. You ask them if they’re having thoughts about suicide, and they so “no” or they refuse to answer. They might not be saying they want to kill themselves, but they are very clearly distressed and you’re worried. What do you say? What do you do?
Most of us have participated in some sort of suicide prevention training. For those of us who have served in the military, we’ve participated in many, many such trainings, most of which emphasize the importance of being alert to suicidal thoughts in others, and encourage us to directly ask about these thoughts. This focus on suicidal thoughts makes sense: research has repeatedly shows that thinking about suicide is a very strong predictor of later suicidal behavior. Consistent with this line of research, the DOD has rolled out standardized screening tools that ask about suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
What suicide prevention trainings often leave out, however, is that the majority of individuals who die by suicide do not talk about suicide, and in some cases deny or conceal their suicidal thoughts, before they die. In fact, more than half of those who die by suicide fall in this group. Our own research showed that less than 5% of military personnel who died by suicide explicitly talked about suicide or death on their social media profiles during the year leading up to their deaths. The infrequency with which service members talk about suicide even when thinking about it is probably due in part to the fact that service members are much more likely to conceal their suicidal thoughts when their identity can be known.
Asking about suicidal thoughts is important, but it’s not enough. We need to be alert to other signs of severe distress and elevated suicide risk, even when someone isn’t talking about suicide. Newer research has shown that military personnel who attempt suicide often have very negative perceptions of themselves that can be identified in the statements they make. These statements indicate elevated suicide risk even though they do not include explicit mention of death or suicide. For example:
• “I can never be forgiven.”
• “I mess everything up.”
• “I can’t take this any longer.”
• “No one can help me solve my problems.”
• “I deserve to be punished.”
• “People would be better off without me.”
These statements and perceptions have been shown to predict later suicidal behavior better than explicit thoughts about suicide. In that sense, these statements can be described as the “coded language of suicide.” It is during these times that you can have the largest impact in a person’s life. Because they reached out to you, you already know you are trusted. So what should you do? Below we provide some tips on how to help someone in need.
If you hear someone using the coded language of suicide, it’s time to act, even if they deny suicidal thoughts. We need to stop waiting until someone is comfortable enough to disclose his or her suicidal thoughts to intervene; by then, it could be too late.
Do:
• Invite them to tell the story of how they got to this point
o Listen – they are trusting you with their personal thoughts
o Be present — giving one’s full, undivided attention to the person is important.
o Be open-minded — showing a willingness to see things from their perspective.
o Be neutral — putting aside one’s own views and remaining non-judgmental.
o Be aware — paying attention to both the other person’s words (verbal cues) and his/her unspoken signals (non-verbal cues).
• Help them to develop a concrete plan of action to help themselves keep control
o Ask about their reasons for living (they reached out for a reason)
o Plan meaningful activities to do together
o Help them get connected with appropriate resources ( https://rly.pt/Utah )
• Offer temporary solutions to store or secure firearms until they are no longer feeling this way
(One suggestion could be as simple as a trigger lock or a lock for a pelican case and offer to hold the key temporarily)
Don't:
• Interrupt them to tell them about the time something similar happened to you; hear them out.
• Shame or guilt-trip the veteran; they may already be feeling a lot of shame and guilt
• Say that suicide is “cowardly” or “selfish”
• Make assumptions
• Try to fix them
• Fail to pay attention to the “coded language” of suicide
• Go it alone: provide support and help them find the appropriate resources ( STRIVE2Be.org )
• Don’t wait to hear the word suicide, by then it might be too late.
*To learn more about the National Center of Veterans Studies programs visit: https://rly.pt/Utah
Most of us have participated in some sort of suicide prevention training. For those of us who have served in the military, we’ve participated in many, many such trainings, most of which emphasize the importance of being alert to suicidal thoughts in others, and encourage us to directly ask about these thoughts. This focus on suicidal thoughts makes sense: research has repeatedly shows that thinking about suicide is a very strong predictor of later suicidal behavior. Consistent with this line of research, the DOD has rolled out standardized screening tools that ask about suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
What suicide prevention trainings often leave out, however, is that the majority of individuals who die by suicide do not talk about suicide, and in some cases deny or conceal their suicidal thoughts, before they die. In fact, more than half of those who die by suicide fall in this group. Our own research showed that less than 5% of military personnel who died by suicide explicitly talked about suicide or death on their social media profiles during the year leading up to their deaths. The infrequency with which service members talk about suicide even when thinking about it is probably due in part to the fact that service members are much more likely to conceal their suicidal thoughts when their identity can be known.
Asking about suicidal thoughts is important, but it’s not enough. We need to be alert to other signs of severe distress and elevated suicide risk, even when someone isn’t talking about suicide. Newer research has shown that military personnel who attempt suicide often have very negative perceptions of themselves that can be identified in the statements they make. These statements indicate elevated suicide risk even though they do not include explicit mention of death or suicide. For example:
• “I can never be forgiven.”
• “I mess everything up.”
• “I can’t take this any longer.”
• “No one can help me solve my problems.”
• “I deserve to be punished.”
• “People would be better off without me.”
These statements and perceptions have been shown to predict later suicidal behavior better than explicit thoughts about suicide. In that sense, these statements can be described as the “coded language of suicide.” It is during these times that you can have the largest impact in a person’s life. Because they reached out to you, you already know you are trusted. So what should you do? Below we provide some tips on how to help someone in need.
If you hear someone using the coded language of suicide, it’s time to act, even if they deny suicidal thoughts. We need to stop waiting until someone is comfortable enough to disclose his or her suicidal thoughts to intervene; by then, it could be too late.
Do:
• Invite them to tell the story of how they got to this point
o Listen – they are trusting you with their personal thoughts
o Be present — giving one’s full, undivided attention to the person is important.
o Be open-minded — showing a willingness to see things from their perspective.
o Be neutral — putting aside one’s own views and remaining non-judgmental.
o Be aware — paying attention to both the other person’s words (verbal cues) and his/her unspoken signals (non-verbal cues).
• Help them to develop a concrete plan of action to help themselves keep control
o Ask about their reasons for living (they reached out for a reason)
o Plan meaningful activities to do together
o Help them get connected with appropriate resources ( https://rly.pt/Utah )
• Offer temporary solutions to store or secure firearms until they are no longer feeling this way
(One suggestion could be as simple as a trigger lock or a lock for a pelican case and offer to hold the key temporarily)
Don't:
• Interrupt them to tell them about the time something similar happened to you; hear them out.
• Shame or guilt-trip the veteran; they may already be feeling a lot of shame and guilt
• Say that suicide is “cowardly” or “selfish”
• Make assumptions
• Try to fix them
• Fail to pay attention to the “coded language” of suicide
• Go it alone: provide support and help them find the appropriate resources ( STRIVE2Be.org )
• Don’t wait to hear the word suicide, by then it might be too late.
*To learn more about the National Center of Veterans Studies programs visit: https://rly.pt/Utah
PTSD
University of Utah
Mental Health
Suicide
Edited >1 y ago
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 33
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Great article. Asking about suicide is not always enough. We have to take into consideration all the things that the individual is talking about. Always be willing to listen!!!
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At 19 or 20 yrs old, we did what may be considered some crazy things to help our friends who considered or attempted suicide. I guess what we instinctively knew was immediate and direct intervention was needed from friends, who understood what the solider was experiencing. However, once it was too late, I found the guy after he hanged himself. It was not a pretty sight in more ways than one.
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Had a Brother from another Mother call me up one night...
I told him I would help him and listened to his issues...
I contacted his local VA, made him an appointment, and got a call back a few days later from him, asked how he was doing, heard a hammer of a 1911 cock back, which is an a sound one knows, heard a bang, so got off the phone and called his county Sheriff, and told them to go to his residence...
Why he did that to me I have no clue, the human mind is fragile, but at least he didn't die alone, and it did leave a stain on my soul...
I told him I would help him and listened to his issues...
I contacted his local VA, made him an appointment, and got a call back a few days later from him, asked how he was doing, heard a hammer of a 1911 cock back, which is an a sound one knows, heard a bang, so got off the phone and called his county Sheriff, and told them to go to his residence...
Why he did that to me I have no clue, the human mind is fragile, but at least he didn't die alone, and it did leave a stain on my soul...
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We have two ears and one mouth. There are a number of axioms about listening more and talking less. That does not even begin to include the many wise verses from scripture such as even a foolish man will appear wise if he does not speak. As for the stated concerns about which the list includes; if we each are honest with ourselves then our personal assessment would demonstrably show we have at one time felt the same inadequacies mentioned. Our human condition is fraught with foibles and failures. One statement that says doing the same thing over and over; believing that we will achieve a different outcome is the first sign of insanity. I prefer the one that is as follows; go to the fridge and take the milk out for a drink, find it sour and put it back in the fridge. We tell ourselves maybe it will taste better tomorrow. Sometimes we just need to stop and take stock of what a person is attempting to share with us before mistakenly believing that we already have a ready-made solution to give them for the situation or problem. Perhaps by talking and sharing with us, they will find the solution of their own choice. As well, they just might be testing our fiber to see if we are a friend or not by trusting us with their vulnerability. Just a thought.
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I learned at a very early time in my career about suicide and that it can be very destructive if not identified early. As someone who had Marines under me that did just that after talking with them was dreadfully wrong. I had good friends who took their own lives while on active duty. To this day nothing comes easy. As a former counselor I understand the dramatic impact it has on the individual and his family. It’s not enough talking about it. I truly believe that more emphasis should be made with the root of the cause, not the outcome. Thanks for sharing this vital information with us TSgt Annabelle Bryan.
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I have never had any training on this, but I am Empathetic...if they ere local I would try to go
over and talk/listen to them...long distance a phone call can be helpful. I used to call a friend in CA
whenever I just wanted to talk...usually felt better afterwards, unfortunately he has since Passed...
over and talk/listen to them...long distance a phone call can be helpful. I used to call a friend in CA
whenever I just wanted to talk...usually felt better afterwards, unfortunately he has since Passed...
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Whoever wrote this up is on target. I was never traditionally "suicidal", but had an incredible amount of distress and just wanted someone anonymous (crisis hotline was my savior) to talk things through with. I would never refer anyone to VA mental health, repeatedly bad experiences.
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As veteran I don’t believe that the government is doing much about soldiers that left the military. We may think that they are fine but deep inside of them, they haven’t detached themselves from the military. As a nation we should be doing more to help them, their families, their children. We are considered one of the greatest nation in the world, then show it. I can honestly say I served my country and will do it again if I need to. USMC all the way.
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