Why Won't You Get The Help You Need?

I'm a Combat Veteran of the Vietnam war and without going into a lot of detail I was diagnosed with PTSD. Back then it was just the ethos of the time to not want to talk about it. It was just something that you didn't do or did back then. It's probably the same way now.

I cannot find a purpose since my husband died from agent orange related cancer. I also lost my job, which almost exactly coincided with his passing.
How do I get help? I am not the veteran, I went to therapy and they told me to do what makes me happy. Well I’m not quite sure what that is, and I have a grown daughter who lives with me and an elderly aunt I promised him I would take care of. I am so unhappy

Nichole Ayres Excellent post. Thank you!

Half hour appointment with a therapist? Useless.

Tried getting help from the VA for over fifth-teen years. I was made to feel like I was begging for scraps. I'm not made that way. I filed out application after application because I was encouraged by my fellow vets not to give up. The last time I applied for help, I received a response saying that I wasn't in the area that I said I was in and they don't have any proof that anything ever happened. They said that I never served in the DMZ. That is the biggest insult that one can receive. I sent along with my application my DD214, letters of accommodation proving the incidence and more.
It seems like no one ever read anything or cared to. I am through. I just stopped begging and I feel that my friends/brothers gave their lives for a good reason but didn't know that they would not get the support that was promised had they survived. Now I know why we didn't get a welcome home party. Just venting because I read my turn down again this morning.

I went to my husbands superiors..to no avail...Was devastating & horrific the way “suicide” was addressed in the 90’s. I have been literally fighting for Surviving Spouse Benefits...aka...Military ID Card,
VA Loan Benefits, my husbands Retirement/Pension for 21 years!!!! We got nothing except a military funeral. Just this year, I went to an Army Base..2 amazing civilian employees in the deers dept...listened...I’m told that I need to go to an AFB to get my ID & that I do qualify for VA LOAN BENEFITS, but since he committed suicide at age 42 & would now be 63, he could draw his retirement, but unfortunately, I can’t?????? This is so wrong...all these yrs as a surviving widow, no help...no offers of grief counseling...nothing...& I pleaded with his departure base, DOD & Feds...I will never stop fighting! This is just wrong! So many years passed , & now I learn we should have got some benefits??? I am thankful to get my ID card...I will truly believe it when I get to the USAF BASE! Military families lives are forever effected & changed forever, a paper technicality does not validate our Government..with holding his retirement pay ! He didn’t know he was gonna shot himself!!! Omg!
A journey...thank y’all for sharing my story & assistances thereof! God Bless!
Surviving Spouse

In 1975, my wife of 2 yrs told me I was not sleeping in the same bad that night unless I went to see a psychologist friend of ours. The nightmares were just getting too frequent and accompanied by unholy screams. I saw him. I took the MMPI and would get the results in a few days. He called that night and got an emergency appt. with his psychiatrist colleague who prescribed a med. I slept for over 36 hrs straight. As a shore establishment C.O. I figured I would just go over to the medical side. The appt. and med were expensive. My HMC stopped me cold. If I had gone, I would be boarded out. Funny, alcoholics were sent to rehab. Mental cases...out. I was actually suffering from PTSD from my riverine combat tour before I met my wife. I thought nightmares were just things we had now and then. My wife saw it was happening more often than I knew.

So I continued to pay out of pocket. Then I deployed as the third senior officer of a large ship in 1980. Midway through the deployment I was an absolute mess not having had more than an hours straight sleep for weeks at a time. I asked for help and was returned as a burnout to the Oakland Naval Hospital for 6 months. I quickly learned that the effort was not to keep me but discharge. I learned the ropes very quickly and got through the gauntlet. I was one of 2 out of 242 officers to return to duty. My career was burned, but at least I’d reach 20.

3 yrs later I was assigned as president of an Admin Discharge Board. A 1st Class P.O. (A stellar 4.0 Sailor) was on the chopping block as a psych misfit—for decking the idiot who insulted his Hispanic wife in a parking lot. One haymaker punch. At the hearing, the psychologist who recommended his discharge was present. I asked him which tests he administered, how many sessions he had with the sailor, what was the total time he took with the sailor. It turns out—zero tests and one 15 minute session. I asked him given the sailor had 7 yrs of 4.0 with no other (not even an awol) infractions how he figured 15 minutes was sufficient to ruin a career and a family’s future?

The sailor was returned to full duty, the issue expunged, with a unanimous vote.

A day later, I got a call from the psych’s boss, a Navy Captain (O-6) who proceeded to ream me out. Well, he tried. I told him I was the President of the Board, and he had absolutely no standing to address me in such a matter. He then called my boss..a salty O-6 ...big mistake.

All this to say, my experience with military medicine is greatly influence by a consistent miscarriage of justice. There is no physician patient confidentiality. Physicians work for DOD.

I only had to serve 1 year in a combat environment and could not be sent back without volunteering. I can’t understand how our service members are expected to return so many times to real combat environs and not expect major mental injuries. The true unseen killers and destroyer of relationships.

A civilian friend of mine who is a very skilled and experienced PhD psychiatrist who practices in the Pacific Northwest continues to see the results of soldiers who sought help and ended up put out. We are systematically destroying a fighting force. A former Supreme Commander of Nato Forces has written that we need the draft in order to drive home to the public what we are doing to our young. 18 yr olds are being sent to fight a war that started before they were born.

By just going to see the base psychiatrist/counselor, I lost my security clearance. How does that encourage people to care for their mental health?

I am 75 yrs. young and am so grateful for the assistance provided to me by the VA. When I first began treatment I considered myself weak having to ask for help, if only I knew that my constant, emotional turmoil was treatable, not curable but treatable. Today my life is spent thinking more about my tomorrow's and less about my tour of duty. Learning how to cope with PTSD is one of the most important accomplishments in my life. Thank You VA

For me it was the fear that it would destroy my career in the Army. Which it did. As soon as my chain of command found out that I had PTSD they flagged me for promotion and just started handling me with kid gloves. No weapons quals, no schools, no promotions.

Now your probably asking why I would seek help knowing all this. Well for me it was the 40 cal. Sig that i had in my mouth pointed towards my brain, loaded with hydroshocks so that I could do the job right. The final thought that stopped me from dropping the hammer was the thought that my 2 year old daughter would be calling someone else daddy when she got older.

After crying in self pity for about an hour, I went to my nearest military base, and talked to the shrink, who immediately called my wife, had her lock up my guns and knives, and started my 3 year road to recovery.

This started in 2009, I'm much better today, but like everyone else, I still have good days and bad days. I keep in contact with a few of my battle buddies and we check on each other to make sure everything's alright.




still did it

Nichole Ayres what SGT Ben Keen and PFC Donnie Harold Harris said regarding "...fearful(ness) of being labeled..." that it is "... the quick descent into hell..." from an ole Corpsman perspective cannot be MORE TRUE!

Additionally, what cpt-ken-landgren says about PTSD care "...fall(ing) into two camps: 1. Treat them like they have no problem, 2. or focus on their treatment..." is about increasing the "military cultural competency" of providers. Folks like SPC Nancy Greene are rare. Trained to heal and having the "street cred" to talk straight, especially with veterans. Additionally, cpt-ken-landgren mentions that "...Standards are often a concept we espouse. However, with PTSD the care is not standardized...." some people might 'misinterpret his statement as 'once size fits all", but we know what works for one veteran does not work for another veteran. Yet, he is correct in terms of the standards for desired outcomes across a wider community-forum. To this point it is about strategy alignment.

Think of "strategy alignment" as "battle planning". Here is a link to a community in Colorado (Weld County). They are using a tool called InsightVision designed to increase community transparency about various healthy community goals. This link is to their Health Mind & Spirit approach:

http://thrivingweld.com/healthy-mind-spirit/

It amazes me how communities like Weld, CO also don't have more of a veteran (aka warrior) centric approach embedded into to initiatives like their Healthy Mind & Spirit community-base strategy. Leveraging "Best Practices" as an objective in their strategy should recognize those best practices specific to veterans as part of more wholistic process. I believe, this is more inline with what cpt-ken-landgren is trying to say. But, I could be misunderstanding his commentary.

Regardless, 1SG (Join to see) mentions is perhaps the biggest impact on current or future job related issues: e.g. security clearances, etc. Highly trained veterans with special skills often don't seek care, because this means locking them out of current or future opportunities they are otherwise highly technically qualified for. Pure 'fear' of not being able to provide for themselves or their families by doing what they are trained for or love to do, but for which this kind of access or engagement requires. When 1SG (Join to see) says regarding mental health this statement "...Anyone who says that there isn't a 'stigma' for seeking help - or even needing it - is a damn liar. Yes there is...." is a statement that is 10 million% on target! When the pressure point between being able to support your family or "burying yourself in your work to maintain" is the defense you attain vs risking "stigma" is a behavior forced on people because of how seeking "mental health" is all too often "weaponized". When that weaponizing behavior is also witnessed in the media and politics and the rhetoric that goes along with it more often than not intensified, their is little wonder that many veterans choose not to risk being stigmatized in favor of "getting by".

Finally, I also find [~508389-sfc-casey-o-mally]'s comments interesting:

"...If I have a broken leg, long before I go to the doctor, I put a splint on it myself. If I have a toothache, I grin and bear it. If I have depression, I put on a happy face so that no one else has to deal with my sh...uhhh... stuff. I was raised - both as a child, and in the Army - to always be the helper, never the helpee...."

Yes, if the helper's broken leg is splinted and that person is hiking in the back country getting to advanced help can be delayed. The broken leg, depending on the type of break, could become infected and the blood poisoning could see in and if not treated could also kill you. If you have tooth pain from an abscess and the infection from that abscess migrates to the brain then grinning and bearing it could kill you with a smile on your face. You'd die happily in pain. If you have depression, you can put on a happy face and for a while others may not know you are dealing with "stuff". Or, those who can see past your defenses are forced to be "politically correct" and thus render neutered when all they want to do is help you life put down your overload. There are those times that in order to be able to help others, you have to 1st help yourself. This is so much easier said and done! But, it has to be - done! As a Navy Corpsman, as I often said in other posts I have seen more than my share of those entering sickbay in pain not resulting from physical wounds. Some, I was able to help and some not.

Without going into great detail, there was an incident on active that cause me great pain. Others could see it. I could not. But, I was offered and I took a chance. At the end of the program, I still had the experience which remains with me today. The difference is - I have to tools to deal with it and recognize the experience for what it is. Those with whom I was surrounded at the time helped me, as I know I was able to help some of them.

In closing, let me leave the RP family with this:

"We can never refuse to grasp the hand that is reaching up out of the thick ground fog of life to lead the way to clearer vision, because someday the hand reaching up from the fog of life may be - my own!"

Just saying..........from a Corpsman's perspective!

When I realized I needed help I tried to figure out how to juggle work with what the VA offered. This ended with me literally begging the VA for almost a year to help me. The "crisis hotline" only cares if you are suicidal... if not they message your local VAMH facility. The local MH facility calls you to check your name off a list, they bring you in.. talk to you for 5 minutes and throw pills at you without actually taking the time to know what you need...then you get thrown into "no available appointment" merry-go-round. Seven more months of fighting I get community care... which leads to a whole new set of problems. Two years after seeking help all I have is more questions and more problems... worse off than when I started.

When seeking help the doctors I feel just stop helping you. Constant pain and I'm kept waiting for treatment. And once it starts I feel like they stop wanting to help.

I lived in denial for the better part of 40 years, never really understanding why my life was a wreck, divorce, prison, anger, o friends. Finally DAV helped me out. I am not proud of the fact that I am 100% disabled as a result of my inability to function normally, but I know why and that has helped me to cope

I have fought my battles privately for 40 years. I never shared my tramatic event, not even with my wife. Even though, I met here while on medical leave. After months in the hospital, recovering in a burn unit for three more months I was given 45 days medical leave. I met her on day 4. Obviously she knew I was in the Army and recovering, yet the subject was off the table. I had nightmares nights. At times they get violent. We had to sleep in separate bedrooms. My children had to endure boot camp when they miss behaved. The military and a fraction of a second has been a heavy burden to carry. I have been homeless a couple times, and at the top of my game. I have worked through every morning minor and major injury. I'm stuck in a wheelchair, and still fight my mental and physical injuries. Seven months ago a visit to a VA emergancy room and the deep depression that had me in a dark place got me refered to mental health. I got discharged after my discharge date; discharged from the hospital. I have been in this fight and running away from it my entire life. I reached my limit, so I joined PTSD groups. I'm still in my fight, but now I am armed better. I don't deal well with athority, so I just made sure I was in charge. I never left the military. Thanks to VA mental health, I'm now on meds and finally getting treated. It's not gone, and I doubt anyone other than a veteran of war will ever understand the price we pay. One flash of hot burning flames, witnessing your best friends tragic event, as well as your own...wow. it was and remains bad. But getting into mental health, has helped so much.

MY HUSBAND DENNIS C. MCCAULEY IS 100% SERVICE CONNECTED AND I AM HIS WIFE ALSO DISABLED AND I TAKE TOTAL CARE IF MY SPOUSE BUT CANNOT LIFT HIM. HE IS IN DIRE NEED OF A LIFT CHAIR BUT THE TAMPA VA SAYS THEY DO NOT GIVE THESE. HE HAS FALLEN SEVERAL TIMES TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE RECLINER HE USES. CAN ANYTHING BE DONETO GET HIM A RECLINING LIFT CHAIR? THANK YOU, ROBERTA D. MCCAULEY, SPOUSE

For me, I don’t because the help isn’t available. I’m in the chronic pain clinic at Walter Reed, but they’re always backed up 2-3 months. For example, my last appointment was on January 3 and I took the next available, on February 20. Add to that the fact that the 3 hour round trip on the Metro also causes stress and pain, and there’s not much to do. When I went to patient advocacy, they just shrugged and said the hospital is underresourced.

I didn't get the help I needed until it was almost too late. I got the help I needed, got sober, and was fine for several years. Then my life started falling apart again and no one around me could see it because my wife's attitude had pushed them away. I realized that I needed help and that the only way to get better was to leave my wife because she was doing everything that my counselors had told her not to do. Today I'm living in a hotel in a different city, haven't talked to her in four months and I'm truly beginning to heal. Counseling and talking with other veterans is the best way to begin healing.

I ETS in 1988. I have never had insurance and never filed with the VA. Did not want to be a leach. I tried to register and was told I made "just abut too much. " I could not even get a VA card to get a 10 percent discount at Lowes. The hell with the VA.

That question sounds so simple. But imagine you have served 28 yrs as LGBQT under Don’t Ask , Don’t Tell Military Policy and don’t Come Out until several years after retirement because you still think you have to follow military regs. It’s taken 37 yrs for me to Come Out. I struggle with Depression daily as a result of a policy that should never have been. I spend 25% of my pension on mental health because being Gay and how we were treated doesn’t count. Did I not think my mental health a priority, I would be dead. I have contemplated suicide twice in the past year and still do. Finding a LGBQT Community Center and a LGQBT Psychologist has helped but it never escapes me that I’m a veteran having to seek civilian community resources and would be dead were it left to the Veterans Administration.