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I will never forget the day I opened my Facebook to find a message from my best friend saying good-bye. He had been struggling since his last deployment but asking for help wasn’t even an option in his mind. He thought he should just be able to “suck it up” like he did after every other deployment. He did for a while, and the world moved on around him, until he just couldn’t anymore. As luck, or fate, would have it, we were stationed in Korea when “sucking it up” turned to crisis and I saw the message almost instantly. But for a single, terrifying moment I thought I lost the person who was more a brother to me than my own blood. The one who interrogated me about the soldier I was dating, then wordlessly settled the check over ‘rock, paper, scissors’ the first time they met. The reason I am even in this field today.
This single moment shaped both our lives and handed us each a new fight. His started with getting help and challenging what he thought he knew about toughness. Mine was going to school to become a military social worker so I could help break the stigma that almost took my friend. Despite the strides we have made, we still lose too many in our community to the wounds of war. Inside I question, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED?
The challenge I put to those I speak with is this: What would you do if you broke your leg? Go to the doctor. Your child has a tooth ache? Go to the dentist. Your wife has postpartum depression? Go to behavioral health. These are perfectly acceptable and reasonable decisions most people make. Yet when it comes to the wounds that we feel but cannot see, we call it weakness. We shove it down. We suffer in silence. We don’t follow our own advice. So, I ask, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU DESERVE?
In the military community we hear a lot about readiness and resilience, but I think it is time we add wellness to this conversation. It is incredibly difficult to transition out of active service, find employment, raise a family, earn promotions, have a happy marriage, or just enjoy life if our mental health is suffering. Our wellness impacts every part of our life. So, I challenge, WHAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM THE LIFE YOU EARNED?
While prepping for this post, I asked my husband what he does as a senior NCO to shift the perception of mental health in his unit. He said, “The days of suffering alone are over. It isn’t about weakness but strength. You can be physically fit but that doesn’t mean you are mentally fit. I need mentally fit soldiers. So, I tell them about my experience and how it helped me.” This is my final challenge. As leaders, we need to lead from the front by sharing our stories, shifting the language, and supporting our friends, brothers, sisters, and communities when we are struggling. Suicide prevention is all our responsibility and we are in this fight together.
If you or someone you know in the Washington State area needs support for their mental fitness, please reach out to my team by calling us at [login to see] or emailing us at [login to see] We are veterans and military family members ourselves. We get it and are here to help you get back to better. Learn more about our local services at https://rly.pt/ValleyCitiesCohenClinic
If you, or someone you know, is in need of confidential counseling and therapy in an additional location, you can find a clinic here: https://rly.pt/CohenClinics
If someone is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop now and call 9-1-1.
Please contact the VA Veterans Crisis Line at: [login to see] Press 1
This single moment shaped both our lives and handed us each a new fight. His started with getting help and challenging what he thought he knew about toughness. Mine was going to school to become a military social worker so I could help break the stigma that almost took my friend. Despite the strides we have made, we still lose too many in our community to the wounds of war. Inside I question, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED?
The challenge I put to those I speak with is this: What would you do if you broke your leg? Go to the doctor. Your child has a tooth ache? Go to the dentist. Your wife has postpartum depression? Go to behavioral health. These are perfectly acceptable and reasonable decisions most people make. Yet when it comes to the wounds that we feel but cannot see, we call it weakness. We shove it down. We suffer in silence. We don’t follow our own advice. So, I ask, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU DESERVE?
In the military community we hear a lot about readiness and resilience, but I think it is time we add wellness to this conversation. It is incredibly difficult to transition out of active service, find employment, raise a family, earn promotions, have a happy marriage, or just enjoy life if our mental health is suffering. Our wellness impacts every part of our life. So, I challenge, WHAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM THE LIFE YOU EARNED?
While prepping for this post, I asked my husband what he does as a senior NCO to shift the perception of mental health in his unit. He said, “The days of suffering alone are over. It isn’t about weakness but strength. You can be physically fit but that doesn’t mean you are mentally fit. I need mentally fit soldiers. So, I tell them about my experience and how it helped me.” This is my final challenge. As leaders, we need to lead from the front by sharing our stories, shifting the language, and supporting our friends, brothers, sisters, and communities when we are struggling. Suicide prevention is all our responsibility and we are in this fight together.
If you or someone you know in the Washington State area needs support for their mental fitness, please reach out to my team by calling us at [login to see] or emailing us at [login to see] We are veterans and military family members ourselves. We get it and are here to help you get back to better. Learn more about our local services at https://rly.pt/ValleyCitiesCohenClinic
If you, or someone you know, is in need of confidential counseling and therapy in an additional location, you can find a clinic here: https://rly.pt/CohenClinics
If someone is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop now and call 9-1-1.
Please contact the VA Veterans Crisis Line at: [login to see] Press 1
PTSD
Mental Health
Military Family
Cohen Veterans Network
Posted 6 y ago
Responses: 103
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For me, I didn't get help right away because I was fearful of being labeled. But one I started getting help things started to get better. It's still a struggle, some good days, some bad days but I'm still pushing.
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SGT James Perander
And you wonder why vet commit suicide and become homeless because they don’t give a shit.
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PO2 David Allender
SGT James Perander - They never got the help they deserved to get from a good Psychologist. Like me, they are ashamed to get help, after all they are a grown man who is suppose to be able t o help himself. BULL! Go get help. Do not be shamed to seek help before it destroys you.
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SGT James Perander
Two faced doctors in Lakewood tell me something I don’t know, I’ve been going there for for 20 damn yrs and I’m worse today when I got out Lakewood sucks there only in it for the paycheck
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Excellent post. I think that’s part of the reason I became a therapist instead of a lawyer. I wanted to help as many people as I could and I am still trying to be there for anyone in need. Asking for help does NOT mean you are weak! I think it actually means you’re strong and have the courage to admit you can’t do this alone!
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SPC Nancy Greene
CPL Linda B. Is hank You My Sister. I provided excellent n-home therapy to Marine Corps families at Cameron LeJeune, NRAS, & Cherry Point. Loved my job and the Pride of the USMC! Let bed leaving Bas at sundown... when “Taps” played, Everyone stopped, got out of their cars and Saluted or hand over heart until flag was down and folded! Awesome traditions!
Not to mention, 2nd Force Recon Marines are Buff’! You definitely knew when spring arrived... great bodies are n green shorts without shirts running All Over Base!
Not to mention, 2nd Force Recon Marines are Buff’! You definitely knew when spring arrived... great bodies are n green shorts without shirts running All Over Base!
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SPC Nancy Greene
PFC Donnie Harold Harris I definitely enjoyed provided my students n-home services to Marine Corps families.
Play Mornings msg with parents and children were lots of Fun when Marines joined in(think they had more fun than the children!
Play Mornings msg with parents and children were lots of Fun when Marines joined in(think they had more fun than the children!
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Reasons why I didn't seek help (until much, much later) -
- Security clearance
- Anyone who says that there isn't a stigma for seeking help - or even needing it - is a damn liar. Yes there is. That decision has real consequences, and that is why many suffer in silence. Sometimes until it is too late.
- I immersed myself in my work. Keeping busy was a better form of medication than some other options. The family paid for it, though.
- Is it a crisis, or a really shitty day? Lots of shitty days. But you push through it, knowing that those emotions pass.
At the end of the day, I was alive, and some good men were not. And I felt like I could have done this or that differently and had a better outcome. It was fool's gold. If only this or that...
Well it didn't go that way. I did what I could, got shot for my trouble, and burned terribly enough I see it every time I look in the mirror. There is nothing quite like burning, except thinking if you could have burned a little more, maybe Rob or Mike would have gone home to their families not in a box. Instead, I got medals for being, frankly, more on the ball than the rest on that day.
Eventually, you figure out that you can't change what happened, especially not retroactively. You can't relive the past forever, because other people need you today,
- Security clearance
- Anyone who says that there isn't a stigma for seeking help - or even needing it - is a damn liar. Yes there is. That decision has real consequences, and that is why many suffer in silence. Sometimes until it is too late.
- I immersed myself in my work. Keeping busy was a better form of medication than some other options. The family paid for it, though.
- Is it a crisis, or a really shitty day? Lots of shitty days. But you push through it, knowing that those emotions pass.
At the end of the day, I was alive, and some good men were not. And I felt like I could have done this or that differently and had a better outcome. It was fool's gold. If only this or that...
Well it didn't go that way. I did what I could, got shot for my trouble, and burned terribly enough I see it every time I look in the mirror. There is nothing quite like burning, except thinking if you could have burned a little more, maybe Rob or Mike would have gone home to their families not in a box. Instead, I got medals for being, frankly, more on the ball than the rest on that day.
Eventually, you figure out that you can't change what happened, especially not retroactively. You can't relive the past forever, because other people need you today,
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Max Ross
Great, Frank and realistic feedback, much appreciated! If I may ask about the last paragraph, I'd be curious as to what contributed to your "eventually" figuring it out. This experience would contribute greatly in allowing us to practice in ways which may work for many others.
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1SG (Join to see)
Max Ross - It was a couple of things. I went fishing. Something about man vs fish - even if the fish don't decide to bite - is peaceful. It helped put things in perspective.
My youngest son, seven years old today, was a toddler then. He is autistic, but mildly so. He would look up at me, and smile. He trusted me to give him everything he needed - to love him and teach him what to do. Even today, he seems to know when daddy needs a little time with him. I feel like if I can make a difference with my little man, and with my Soldiers, that it will make the world a little bit better, and maybe make up a bit for when I wasn't quite good enough, It is a debt that can't be repaid, but I try every day anyway.
It gives back some of what I lost back in 2004. Task, purpose, and direction.
My youngest son, seven years old today, was a toddler then. He is autistic, but mildly so. He would look up at me, and smile. He trusted me to give him everything he needed - to love him and teach him what to do. Even today, he seems to know when daddy needs a little time with him. I feel like if I can make a difference with my little man, and with my Soldiers, that it will make the world a little bit better, and maybe make up a bit for when I wasn't quite good enough, It is a debt that can't be repaid, but I try every day anyway.
It gives back some of what I lost back in 2004. Task, purpose, and direction.
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Nichole Ayres
I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences. And it is absolutely true there is stigma around mental health. So much it is a real barrier to care which had lead to real consequences both when people do and do not reach out for help. I have found guilt can also be a barrier. My best friend and others I have worked with say very similar things... they should be here not me. Or often people talk about their experience being less worthy of getting help than others because the wounds are less visible. I really liked what you said about not being able to relieve the past forever because people need you today. That is so true for many people. Also 'healing' cannot be one size fits all so my profession also needs to take consideration of the value in having purpose, getting outdoors, using your hands or something like fishing as you mentioned. Thank you so much for your insights.
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