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I will never forget the day I opened my Facebook to find a message from my best friend saying good-bye. He had been struggling since his last deployment but asking for help wasn’t even an option in his mind. He thought he should just be able to “suck it up” like he did after every other deployment. He did for a while, and the world moved on around him, until he just couldn’t anymore. As luck, or fate, would have it, we were stationed in Korea when “sucking it up” turned to crisis and I saw the message almost instantly. But for a single, terrifying moment I thought I lost the person who was more a brother to me than my own blood. The one who interrogated me about the soldier I was dating, then wordlessly settled the check over ‘rock, paper, scissors’ the first time they met. The reason I am even in this field today.
This single moment shaped both our lives and handed us each a new fight. His started with getting help and challenging what he thought he knew about toughness. Mine was going to school to become a military social worker so I could help break the stigma that almost took my friend. Despite the strides we have made, we still lose too many in our community to the wounds of war. Inside I question, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED?
The challenge I put to those I speak with is this: What would you do if you broke your leg? Go to the doctor. Your child has a tooth ache? Go to the dentist. Your wife has postpartum depression? Go to behavioral health. These are perfectly acceptable and reasonable decisions most people make. Yet when it comes to the wounds that we feel but cannot see, we call it weakness. We shove it down. We suffer in silence. We don’t follow our own advice. So, I ask, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU DESERVE?
In the military community we hear a lot about readiness and resilience, but I think it is time we add wellness to this conversation. It is incredibly difficult to transition out of active service, find employment, raise a family, earn promotions, have a happy marriage, or just enjoy life if our mental health is suffering. Our wellness impacts every part of our life. So, I challenge, WHAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM THE LIFE YOU EARNED?
While prepping for this post, I asked my husband what he does as a senior NCO to shift the perception of mental health in his unit. He said, “The days of suffering alone are over. It isn’t about weakness but strength. You can be physically fit but that doesn’t mean you are mentally fit. I need mentally fit soldiers. So, I tell them about my experience and how it helped me.” This is my final challenge. As leaders, we need to lead from the front by sharing our stories, shifting the language, and supporting our friends, brothers, sisters, and communities when we are struggling. Suicide prevention is all our responsibility and we are in this fight together.
If you or someone you know in the Washington State area needs support for their mental fitness, please reach out to my team by calling us at [login to see] or emailing us at [login to see] We are veterans and military family members ourselves. We get it and are here to help you get back to better. Learn more about our local services at https://rly.pt/ValleyCitiesCohenClinic
If you, or someone you know, is in need of confidential counseling and therapy in an additional location, you can find a clinic here: https://rly.pt/CohenClinics
If someone is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop now and call 9-1-1.
Please contact the VA Veterans Crisis Line at: [login to see] Press 1
This single moment shaped both our lives and handed us each a new fight. His started with getting help and challenging what he thought he knew about toughness. Mine was going to school to become a military social worker so I could help break the stigma that almost took my friend. Despite the strides we have made, we still lose too many in our community to the wounds of war. Inside I question, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED?
The challenge I put to those I speak with is this: What would you do if you broke your leg? Go to the doctor. Your child has a tooth ache? Go to the dentist. Your wife has postpartum depression? Go to behavioral health. These are perfectly acceptable and reasonable decisions most people make. Yet when it comes to the wounds that we feel but cannot see, we call it weakness. We shove it down. We suffer in silence. We don’t follow our own advice. So, I ask, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU DESERVE?
In the military community we hear a lot about readiness and resilience, but I think it is time we add wellness to this conversation. It is incredibly difficult to transition out of active service, find employment, raise a family, earn promotions, have a happy marriage, or just enjoy life if our mental health is suffering. Our wellness impacts every part of our life. So, I challenge, WHAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM THE LIFE YOU EARNED?
While prepping for this post, I asked my husband what he does as a senior NCO to shift the perception of mental health in his unit. He said, “The days of suffering alone are over. It isn’t about weakness but strength. You can be physically fit but that doesn’t mean you are mentally fit. I need mentally fit soldiers. So, I tell them about my experience and how it helped me.” This is my final challenge. As leaders, we need to lead from the front by sharing our stories, shifting the language, and supporting our friends, brothers, sisters, and communities when we are struggling. Suicide prevention is all our responsibility and we are in this fight together.
If you or someone you know in the Washington State area needs support for their mental fitness, please reach out to my team by calling us at [login to see] or emailing us at [login to see] We are veterans and military family members ourselves. We get it and are here to help you get back to better. Learn more about our local services at https://rly.pt/ValleyCitiesCohenClinic
If you, or someone you know, is in need of confidential counseling and therapy in an additional location, you can find a clinic here: https://rly.pt/CohenClinics
If someone is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop now and call 9-1-1.
Please contact the VA Veterans Crisis Line at: [login to see] Press 1
PTSD
Mental Health
Military Family
Cohen Veterans Network
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 103
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I understand where you coming from a friend of mind was also a Veteran like my self I met him while working in a factory an we were good friends an he was going thru a divorce an I was there for him then one day he shot him self an i wished he had called me before he done this we can help if we see the signs think about him every day.
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SPC Richard Zacke
SSG Jerry Pannell Thats one of the tragities of suicide it leaves the friends and family wondering if they could have done more and why did't they see the signs...these are questionswe will never be able to anwser but punishing yourself won't help either.
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Why?
Because I was taught self-reliance and self-control.
Also, as the youngest son of a WWII veteran and the very youngest sibling of whose elder brothers served in Vietnam, I was told exactly what to expect should I ever go into combat in the nuclear age.
I understood my life expectancy was probably very short and did my level best to keep that in mind through every combat training scenario I was ever put in.
It helped keep my calm and think my way out of most of the bad scenarios I found myself in.
Those years of preparation prior to Desert Storm and a deployment in 03 (prior to retiring) and coming under fire, and returning fire to knowingly kill helped me to compartmentalize the experience and to open that box for very quick peeks at the things I suppressed and thus, work through them gradually.
The self-control my father instilled in me was of its greatest value when it came to dealing with those I loved. They knew I was 'not quite the same' and working through things but I was able to control how I interacted with them so as to never lose control of myself, mostly walking away from situations, and being very careful when I could not walk away.
And to be completely honest, as much as my father was, Mr. Spock and Yoda were also great role models. 'Bad things happen when you let your emotions control you'.
Because I was taught self-reliance and self-control.
Also, as the youngest son of a WWII veteran and the very youngest sibling of whose elder brothers served in Vietnam, I was told exactly what to expect should I ever go into combat in the nuclear age.
I understood my life expectancy was probably very short and did my level best to keep that in mind through every combat training scenario I was ever put in.
It helped keep my calm and think my way out of most of the bad scenarios I found myself in.
Those years of preparation prior to Desert Storm and a deployment in 03 (prior to retiring) and coming under fire, and returning fire to knowingly kill helped me to compartmentalize the experience and to open that box for very quick peeks at the things I suppressed and thus, work through them gradually.
The self-control my father instilled in me was of its greatest value when it came to dealing with those I loved. They knew I was 'not quite the same' and working through things but I was able to control how I interacted with them so as to never lose control of myself, mostly walking away from situations, and being very careful when I could not walk away.
And to be completely honest, as much as my father was, Mr. Spock and Yoda were also great role models. 'Bad things happen when you let your emotions control you'.
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SSG James Mielke
SPC Richard Zacke - I need help everyday and it often comes in the form of looking at my wife and remembering what she looked like walking down the aisle.
A big problem is that most that go into combat are not emotionally prepared for it.
The military does a great job in getting us 'all pumped and ready to take it to the enemy' but does a poor job at making 'us' understand the psychological and emotional changes that take place after they either actually kill someone or get maimed.
The 'Call of Duty' generation is probably worse off than any previous generation, they grew up all "killing" being a game and "respawns" curing all the effects.
A big problem is that most that go into combat are not emotionally prepared for it.
The military does a great job in getting us 'all pumped and ready to take it to the enemy' but does a poor job at making 'us' understand the psychological and emotional changes that take place after they either actually kill someone or get maimed.
The 'Call of Duty' generation is probably worse off than any previous generation, they grew up all "killing" being a game and "respawns" curing all the effects.
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SPC Richard Zacke
SSG James Mielke It sounds like your wife is your anchor and anchors are usally connected to chains just remember a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link so please treat her as your anchor when needed but remember to let her recharge her batteries when she is run down. Take her for a good dinner and thank her being there when you needed her the most.
James "NOBODY" is emotionally prepaired for combat!!! You are expected to go to a foeiegn land and engage people that are very much unlike yourself and you find out very quickley that it's kill or be killed and it is not a video game because you don't come back to life after taking a 50 cal round to the chest, if you want to see that anchor again you do what you must so that you can survive and return home. When you get home try to put your memories in a box and lock it up "compartmentalize" them and only bring them out when you need to. Avoid alcoholic drinks and anything that may trigger an old response. I had a friend that would actually get phyically sick when he smelled fresh turned dirt.
Thank you James for your service and when you feel overwhelmed and need help please reach out and it will be there. There is NO shame in asking for help. And remember God is always there when your at your worst and can't reach the one you feel you need. God bless you troop
James "NOBODY" is emotionally prepaired for combat!!! You are expected to go to a foeiegn land and engage people that are very much unlike yourself and you find out very quickley that it's kill or be killed and it is not a video game because you don't come back to life after taking a 50 cal round to the chest, if you want to see that anchor again you do what you must so that you can survive and return home. When you get home try to put your memories in a box and lock it up "compartmentalize" them and only bring them out when you need to. Avoid alcoholic drinks and anything that may trigger an old response. I had a friend that would actually get phyically sick when he smelled fresh turned dirt.
Thank you James for your service and when you feel overwhelmed and need help please reach out and it will be there. There is NO shame in asking for help. And remember God is always there when your at your worst and can't reach the one you feel you need. God bless you troop
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SSG James Mielke
SPC Richard Zacke -
Been a while...
She has never needed to do anything for me in this regard except to be there. We rarely talked about what happened when I was deployed but the times I would start getting jittery, all I had to do was look at her, she could be changing a diaper, but just looking at her was enough to steady me. Just that one memory (her walking down the church aisle) is, as they say, 'my happy place'.
Been a while...
She has never needed to do anything for me in this regard except to be there. We rarely talked about what happened when I was deployed but the times I would start getting jittery, all I had to do was look at her, she could be changing a diaper, but just looking at her was enough to steady me. Just that one memory (her walking down the church aisle) is, as they say, 'my happy place'.
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SPC Richard Zacke
SSG James Mielke It sounds like you have a firm grip on reality just look at that anchor when you need to. God bless.
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I do not need any help. The VA is broke. Hit the streets young lady. And get our vets off the streets and get illegals off the street
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Nichole, excellent question. My initial reaction is that there are many ways to get help and not everyone needs the same thing. Like many, I don't want to be diagnosed, labeled, or categorized. I want to find my way forward and continue to carry the load that is mine to bear. I did seek help after my wife demanded it (thank you baby!). Up to that point, I didn't think I had a problem. I saw both a psychologist and a psychiatrist and both told me my faith was a major problem to my mental well-being. After that I decided to do my own reading and research to find ways to overcome the issues I was experiencing. This seemed to work best for me as it was aligned with my personality, I am not a big talker and sharing things with people I don't know is a non-starter anyway. I also allowed my faith to be the biggest voice and encouragement in my "getting better." It gives me someone I trust to talk with whenever I need to talk, someone to listen to when I need a gentle word or a stiff lecture about my behavior. My wife has also been a major factor in getting better though I DO NOT share details with her or anyone else (no secondary traumatization). I do let her know when I'm having a bad day and if I just need some space, or time, or a hug. I'm still "getting better" and getting help in my own way. Perhaps it has made my growth a little slower than it might otherwise be, but it works for me. I know bad experiences don't need to mean a bad life - post-traumatic growth is my thing. I take encouragement from those who have fought the fight before me and those who are fighting it around me. So thank you to all of you living a positive example, there are plenty of folks like me who are quietly watching, listening, and growing. May you be blessed in your own journeys.
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Nichole Ayres
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and your own lessons learned. It sounds like you have a wonderful support system which is absolutely instrumental in people's wellness. It is also unfortunate that you had counselors that sited your faith being a problem. Typically that is a support and strength in adjunct to therapy.
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Nichole Ayres
Hi SFC Emanuel Marino . It can be really hard to cope with the loss of a loved one. Grief can be touch and there is no "right" way to grieve. If you are feeling stuck in your grief or like you are unable to live your life, please reach out for support. Where are you located? My clinic is part of a nation wide network of military family clinics who serve veterans and their families. We may have one near you that can be of assistance.
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Stories like these are heartfelt and sad. Repetitive Behavior Cellular Regression® (RBCR) is only 10 years old and very successful at stopping suicide ideation. The problem is that it is NOT medical. I am not a PhD nor do I have a medical school behind me. This IS trademarked and one only two behavioral health services out there today. We just keep plugging with the vision that the VA will give us shot on a small scale to prove it's results.
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Back in the day when our daughter was born in Hawaii, my wife ended up in a mental hospital. Severe postpartum depression. She was sent out to a civilian hospital. Thankfully. I had a newborn baby to take care of, handling my wife's hospitalization, & then coming home a total train wreck. All of those support systems the Army says they have for troops. Mostly lies. Those services are very limited. Out in the community there were all kinds of services available. They were not allowed to provide services to military families living on base. In my wife's condition, she kept having fears of hurting the baby. Somebody called the MPs & then they called Child Protective Services. Out in the community. CPS came in & threatened to take away our child. I told the case worker what walls we encountered & he was on our side. I had a high security clearance & my wife's condition could affect me losing my clearance. If I reported issues about myself, an even bigger threat. I got my wife sent back to the mainland for family support & real help. When I transferred to Maryland, the wonderful doctor at Walter Reed took her off her meds. She doesn't need them. She was doing well. She lost it again. My unit was more supportive. They sent me to get help at the base mental health clinic. What a POS place that was. Huge strips of paint peeling off the ceiling & rusty pipes. Painted the standard white & green barracks style. So much for getting help for myself. The staff too busy with phones & business to bother to listen. I had to take my wife into the ER one night on base. This quack Army doctor (major) gave her a new diagnosis after seeing her for 5 minutes. She was treated like a prisoner. She wasn't even allowed to go pee. We got into the ER about midnight & were told she would be sent out to local hospital by the day shift. We left the ER. I got home to the phone ringing. The quack doctor trying to pull rank on me. I hung up on him. I think he was drunk. Really good one when the the Army shrinks are drinking & writing orders. Later the next morning I got a call from an angry head of nursing. A woman full bird. She was upset but compassionate. I told her how we were treated. She contacted the Army doctor at Walter Reed & he put her back on her meds. Then I get a phone call from the quack we dealt with. His tone was very different. He sounded hung over but was very humble & apologetic. He told me how he got called into the head nursing office & got his butt reamed by the nurse. The full bird colonel. I got off active duty a year later. From what I have seen when I came back from Iraq in 2005 & what I am seeing now, nothing has changed. The system seems to have gotten worse, not better.
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I did not seek the help (2005) I needed until it was a life or death situation. I did not seek help because I did not feel I had a safe space to do so...and I know many other vets who share this sentiment. I knew as soon as I went to mental health, they would forward my records to the Medical Evaluation Board (MEB) to make a determination on whether I could continue to serve or not. If it was determined that I needed to be discharged, then that would add to my list of problems as I would lose a part of my identity and my source of income/financial stability for me/my family. If I was allowed to continue to serve, there was a risk of losing my security clearance, deployment/job opportunities, promotion, etc. These "institutional barriers" are not unique to me, they apply to all those serving. And, until the military services eliminate or modify these "institutional barriers", some veterans will likely not get the help they need.
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I did not seek the help (2005) I needed until it was a life or death situation. I did not seek help because I did not feel I had a safe space to do so...and I know many other vets who share this sentiment. I knew as soon as I went to mental health, they would forward my records to the Medical Evaluation Board (MEB) to make a determination on whether I could continue to serve or not. If it was determined that I needed to be discharged, then that would add to my list of problems as I would lose my source of income/financial stability for me/my family. If I was allowed to continue to serve, there was a risk of losing my security clearance, deployment/job opportunities, promotion, etc. These "institutional barriers" are not unique to me, they apply to all those serving. And, until the military services eliminate or modify these "institutional barriers", some veterans will likely not get the help they need.
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This is such an important issue today but there is more help today than at any other time in history. In my job I am offered the chance to attend Mental Health First Aid for Veterans every other year. I became certified but honestly, I still feel so inadequate when I encounter a veteran who is clearly having issues. But the ones that scare me the most are the ones that try to hold themselves together when speaking with someone because of the labeling stigma. Mental Health First Aid for Veterans though provides us with knowledge of certain subtle signs of anxiety and stress. It is not easy on either side and I use my referral resources in trying to help.
I recommend seeking out your local Vet Center and the Veteran's Crisis Hotline https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/get-help/hotline?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIz_3R67up6gIVFLbICh2jqQfIEAAYASAAEgLy9vD_BwE
When you have one thought of harming yourself, do not ignore it, because that is when you should first reach out to someone. Do not let what someone else thinks determine your course. Look out for yourself and your family. Also, know and believe that you are not alone. One of my best friends have been attending his group every Monday for years and he admits that it is an important part of maintaining. Don't let your pride come before a fall. There is help but you have to seek it.
Should you want to remain anonymous there is also this; The Veterans Crisis Line is also available by text or online chat:
Chat
Text 838255
Stay strong Brothers and Sisters
I recommend seeking out your local Vet Center and the Veteran's Crisis Hotline https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/get-help/hotline?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIz_3R67up6gIVFLbICh2jqQfIEAAYASAAEgLy9vD_BwE
When you have one thought of harming yourself, do not ignore it, because that is when you should first reach out to someone. Do not let what someone else thinks determine your course. Look out for yourself and your family. Also, know and believe that you are not alone. One of my best friends have been attending his group every Monday for years and he admits that it is an important part of maintaining. Don't let your pride come before a fall. There is help but you have to seek it.
Should you want to remain anonymous there is also this; The Veterans Crisis Line is also available by text or online chat:
Chat
Text 838255
Stay strong Brothers and Sisters
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