ELCA Dropping All Problematic Words From Name: ‘Evangelical,’ ‘Lutheran,’ ‘Church,’ And ‘America’...

SATIRE
The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, a mainline protestant denomination that is home to some 3 million Lutherans, has released a statement declaring that the ELCA will be dropping all the problematic words from its name including "Evangelical," "Lutheran," "Church," and "America."
This preliminary statement was adopted by the necessary two-thirds majority of the Churchwide Assembly, recognizing how troubling several of the words were and how deeply offensive and hurtful they were to members of the community.

"This is the right move in 2020," declared Bishop April Ulring Larson. "For too long, our denomination has had its foot on the brakes in this race to progress. These damaging words have no place in an inclusive, safe, and loving community of faith."

Theologians across the country have speculated that this was the next logical move for a denomination which has usually been at the forefront of brave progress in such moves as deciding to ordain women and LGBT individuals to ministry, blessing same-sex marriages, and officially opposing laws that are primarily intended to harass those contemplating or deciding for an abortion.

“This is a good first step toward progress,” said the Reverend Elizabeth Eaton, presiding Bishop over the denomination formerly known as ELCA. “It’s a good first step. One of many to come I am sure.”

At publishing time, it was unclear what the name of the denomination formerly known as the ELCA will be, but one thing is certain: it will not be a place for bigots using such nasty descriptors for a faith community that is open to everybody. Internal polling data indicated that members of the denomination were open to officially changing the moniker to The Society Of Love or Super Faith Friends.