A year of chokes and tears 38 n where did it go did it disappear

??????????????WOULD YOU PLEASE SHARE SOME STORIES of YOUR LIFE?????


the dreams of n 18 year old
38 sober now
just want a service dog to keep me company
just want a home like a man would normally have job and security
what about that kid and girlfriend and wife that a normal 2 armed 2 legged man normally attains that likes girls

38 in a room without a view
reading military articles like they are the glue of what became of a 18 yo dream

doing yoga just to break up the scar tissue of 2 hernias that pain to walk for very long

getting beat up on the ship mentally and physically by the highest enlisted on the ship, alone, screaming asking why? why? why? what did I do? what is wrong? with no way to defend myself at 22 turned my mind black..and I do not remember much after that

I was embarressed and partly blamed myself in some sick way
insecure and defenseless I felt and i pulled away..
my cute loving fiance would leave me within a year or so from that day
my mom would watch her first born son become a defensive bitter animal to the ones that he could lash out at without fear of retailition

That e9 truly did get the better of me and had me lash out on those closest to me..a wave that tore down...a small family...my mom..God Rest her lovely heart her beautiful soul..i look at her picture nearly every day..kiss it more then a few times a week....who really loved her son...and watched him change drastically for no known reason..he was confused depressed threatened caught of gaurd surpressed impossible inexperience hi stress optempo war ready guided missle frigate monthly..confused on how to even discuss what was happening...

i had not idea it was even a good or bad idea this program i was in

for all I knew at 19 it was how the NAVY ran such things
at 19 with no other information, this is all I knew, my command my situation my training
it was my ball of wax to make happen regardless of anything

I took on the challegne to become an efficient full time sailor with 2 days on the ship 2 my name

I took all those arm full of rate manuals away with me to read alone off the ship monthly
thinking this is my job to understand and do such things

but in reality it is not how to do such things

those rate manuals are meant to be learned on a ship full time with leadership and comarderia all around

full time health care to be looked on after if you are injured in stress which is known to happen on a combat ship at an early age if you are inexperienced is another thing that was wrong..

as I had no health care to access with aches and pains lasting past the 2 days of sea trials ever month..month by month year after year...on and on

yes she tried to save me..she took me to my first psych visit..
she took me in when I could not get out of bed anymore comatose depressed more then I ever thought was even possible somewhere in my mid twenties for sure

I was not introduced as a NAVY SAILOR who went to bootcamp and won the BEST RECRUIT award on the ship
I was introduced as an inexperienced reservist who had no active duty experience
What does that get you on a full time 100 percent combat ship.
Even at 2 days a month starting at 18, 2 days 30 knots head winds carving out circles battle drills simulated warfare weapons testing damage control GQ station drills daily exposed the hottest hot and the coldest cold a could would feel

Left friday night and dropped off with Sea Sickness and Sea Legs and a mind all a mess Sunday evening
To go back to a room, still wobbling, thinking you have a test you need to study for, as you are goign to college full time, with dreams of a degree, and a life in the military career officer stability security wife child house on a hill dream

But my introduction to the real navy after bootcamp was the only sailor with no full time prior experience attatched to a full time combat ship, part time, that was not going to slow down or become safer just for me...

2 days can indeed blackout whitewash discombobulate a young still developing mind in a combat unit that requires full time

if that is not true the navy would of kept or increased the Sea and Air Mariner enlistment that I signed 1994
but instead they put it in the garbage and never recruited for it again and took away the training program the same year being the last year of the Sea and Air Mariner enlistment non prior No A school Reserve enlistment program, that started in 1994 ending in 1994 again

8 years 2900 plus days deployable war asset personally 1 phone call could deploy me anywhere anytime life ready go battle anywhere any day short notice hi priority unit sea bag kept the whole time
starting at 18 going to 26
200 bucks a month approximately equals about $2400 a year in IDT training pay.
I know I know it sounds like a lot of money
I know I was well off.
Out of that money I had to feed myself and rent a room
By the way the enlistment would not allow me access to medical inbetween weekend drills either doom
I did not have a full time job or anything so my headaches and bodyaches were all mine alone what do you do 19 years old scared and unsure and do not want to seem like a complainer on a ship, unsure of anything, unaware of what I had gotten into, unsure what to do with this rubix cube?

I wont get into it but since the beatdown when I was 22 I started to loose everything even civilian jobs and dropped out of college unable to even make it to finals anymore all fidgety

200 bucks a month attatched to a full time combat ship with no prior experience naive and young

I took home all the full time specialty rate manuals including surface warfare qualification manuals to read by myself alone at home
Of course the hours I spent reading this to no avail and leading to frustration and anger would take away my mind from the important college classes I was taking at the same time
this whole scenario will fall apart eventually
no senior leadership on the ship even lived or would understand or condone the enlistment and they knew this was all a bad idea
They could not depend on me to know and perform and develop much
of course this would be an experience of frustration that would never work
those courses without a ship or leadership alone in a rented college room would be more confusing then good
I would show back to the ship in a few weeks time more confused and angry then I was the weekend before
No matter how hard I tried 2 days a month with no prior experience in DECK is an imposible feat
You can not learn enough to hold your own and fit in with full time enlisted your own age attempting forced into the same hazardous evolutions and you are supposed to not skip a heart beat or not sweat out of fear of inexpeirence profusely

Now it is all a logical joke to me

who would disagreee?

But those days took out the other 29 days of the month easily as I sweat and feared in between being the only sailor on the ship who was scared but did not know how to express these things

And that does no good for the ego or becoming a man and developing your personality in any solid way that is expected and normal it seems

But if you are given an impossible rubix cube in a life and death sitations that require precision while balancing precariously over the edge of a building well the reality is you are really just setting yourself up for a bad fall

how would a SEA and AIR MARINER with no ITP program, be attatched as the only NON -Prior enlisted Junior 18-even 2 days...a lesson in being crushed again and again..month and month in
I was not in a good position already

no Service member would want their child to be beaten like a pinanta for no good reason overworked overstressed undertrained inexperienced just trying their best

Here i sit just wondering when the universe may see that a man sits with a young mans dreams still inside his chest....

a little comfort would help in a world that seems to be for the more trusting of the rest...