Best Drill Instructor/Drill Sergeant stories

Boot camp 1971, NTC San Diego. Our company commander, TMC Lay, during the announcement of where our next duty assignments were to be upon graduation. After telling everybody else what schools or commands they were being assigned to, "And all of you ladies that qualified for the nuclear program! You have been scheduled for your surgical procedure at Balboa (Naval Hospital) prior to shipping out to your schools...they are going to surgically implant a porthole in your navel so you can see where you're going with your head up your ass!"

Basic Training, Fort Ord, CA, July of 1967. That was back before the PC days. Most of us were from California so the Drill Instructors were always hurling California insults at us, mostly about homosexuals. "The only things to come from California are Steers and queers and I don't see any horns on you." The list went on.
So we were getting our initial uniform issue and were trying things on. One guy put on his boxer shorts backwards. The Drill Sergeant noticed and had the fool stand up on a foot locker with his back to the rest of us. The DS had a pointer stick and used it to open the access point in the fool's boxers, exposing his butt crack, and says, "I see you California boys know how to dress for speed."

Okay, re-reading the initial post made me think of another one. There was a kid in our company who wanted to be a BM (Boatswain's Mate) which is pretty much the same as being infantry in the Army (sorry if it's a poor comparison). Anyway, this drill instructor was yelling at him and was like YOU'RE GOING TO WIND UP A BOATSWAIN'S MATE, AREN'T YOU, RECRUIT?!? Yes, sir, I am! DON'T YOU FUCK WITH ME RECRUIT!!! No, sir, I really am. WHY IN THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO BE A BOATSWAIN'S MATE?!? Because Boatswain's Mates get to drive boats, sir! (sort of a stunned silence, and then) Uhhhh carry on, recruit.

When I was in basic I was with 4 other trainees and we were supposed to be cleaning the general area. The rest of the company was doing training we had done already. (We had been recycled and got told by our Company commander we could clean instead if we wanted to rather than sit and do nothing) half way through cleaning I felt over tired and being a dumb 19 year old I decided to nap. I asked my battles if they would care if I took a quick nap, they said they didn't. So I lay down using a rucksack as a pillow. Sure enough our DS comes up to where I'm at and kicks my boot. I jump up go to parade rest. "Yes drill sergaent!" DS looks pissed "Private why are you sleeping?" I look at him and simply state the truth "I'm lazy drill sergeant" DS now looks confused, "you're lazy?" "Yes drill seargent, it is very lazy of me to sleep while my battles work their asses off" He walks away without saying a word, not wanting to be in more trouble I worked the rest of the time. Later on the ds approaches me and I naturally go to parade rest. He tells me the reason he didnt smoke the shit out of me was because in his entire time of being a drill sergeant, not once has a trainee been honest with him. Needless to say he expected me to try and bullshit my way out and was so surprised that I didnt he couldn't figure out what to do.

Okay, we're in boot camp around week 3. This is the "Weed em Out" stage where the drill instructors are turning up the heat to "Hell High". One of our two drill instructors is a 5' 3" Napoleon Complex-ed Bada$$ with a mouth to Match. Fearless and Ready to take on any comer. Across the room is, Le's call him Buck. No Buck is your average 6' 8" 320 or so Corn fed, did Everything slow Good ole boy from t\he Dakotas. One day we go out for PT and Buck faliled miserably, I mean he couldn't muster up the strength to do Any of the exercises well enough to please Napoleon. Back at the barracks, everyone is preparing to bed down for the night, and Napoleon decides he wants to challenge Buck. Because yet again Buck isn't moving fast enough to get ready for lights out. So Napoleon stomps to the end of the barracks grabs a 55 gallon trash can and flings it down the aisle yelling Hot Dammit Buck, pick up every piece of that trash!!! You got m1 minute!!!! Buck, at a turtles pace begins to move picking up one piece of trash at a time, Buck mumbles something under his breath "We believe he called Napoleon a Bastard". This sends Napoleon through the roof, he is now at Defcon!!!! Hot enough to melt steel! So he grabs the can fro buck turns it upside down, Jumps on top of the can and he's now chest to chest with Buck. He screams in Bucks face "You think you can kick my ass? You want a shot"? Buck slowly says, Yep! Napoleon jumps down off the can and orders Buck into his office. We are all scared for Buck's life, because this little man is madder than anyone we'd ever seen. Shortly after they enter the office, a loud bang followed by louder rumbles for about a minute.... a second or two of silence and Buck emerges from the office without a scratch. We all Immediately run to the office and there we find Napoleon literally Hog tied wrists to ankles in the middle of the for barely conscious. Needless to say, that was Buck's last night in boot camp. They processed him out and sent him home. I hear he's making it Big on the PBR tour

we were Rainbows, just got in formation on the PAD. For some reason (not that she needed a reason) our TI SSgt Burnes started yelling at a female that had already been in the NAVY. SSgt Burns said, " what is wrong with you??!!" Do I make you nervous Recruit?! She was like 1 inch away from the recruits face. The recruit barely replied as she threw up on the PAD and almost on the TI. TI responded to that by saying, "did you just throw up on my clean PAD!?, When you are through throwing up on my pad, I want you to clean that shit up!!" I loved those days!!

Back in 1966 there was an Air Strike going on so we had to go by train for 3 days from Pittsburgh PA. to Lackland AFB in Tx. We got there around 10:00 at night, they fed us and took to our barracks and put us to bed. After spending 3 days on the train, the fan in the barracks sounded like a train rolling along the tracks. I fell asleep and I guess I walked in my sleep. The next thing I know is I'm standing on the small balcony on the second floor of the barracks with this minimal size dorm guard handing on to me for dear life. He took me to the T.I.'s office and called the T.I. who had to come in from home at 1:00 in the morning. While I was waiting for him to arrive I crawled into his bed in his office. When he finally arrived and found me in his bed, he was not at all happy. Standing nose to nose with me and yelling at the top of his lungs, he accused me of trying to get out of the service the first day I was in, which was not at all the case. Needless to say I did not make a very good first impression on my new T.I.

Before I went into the Army I was in the Air Force. There was a tall lanky puerto rican kid, who hardly spoke English and often would be confused as orders were barked at him to do this and that. I remember the Airman looking sooo confused the first day of boot camp. I never understood why until one day we were allowed to get mail. His family sent him condoms, chocolates, and dirty magazines! XD It was hilarious! The D.S. said, "What...in the living hellllllll is this about?! Does your family know where you are?!" The Airman replied for the first time with a thick accent "I thought I was going to college Sir.....and so do my family. So they send a me....this." All our jaws dropped and the D.S. looked at him dumbfounded saying, "You thought this wholeeeeeeee time until you got here... you were going to COLLEGE?! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?! HAHAHAHA!!!! YOUR RECRUITER SCREWED YOU SO HARD!!! I mean your FAMILY is going to FLIP THE FUCK OUT when they see what you're REALLY DOING!! HAHAHA!!" The D.S. face was beat red from laughing so hard, and called the rest of his buddies in to tell them the story and show them the smut. You could tell from this Airman's face and demeanor the whole time he DEFINITELY didn't know what the hell was going on since day 1. They asked them, "So if you thought you were going to college this whole time, what the hell are you supposed to be going to study after basic?" He looked at everyone and said hesitantly... "I ...I.. I don't know sir. I didn't even know I coming here." We all died from laughter. He later finished basic and went on to only God knows where.

I re-enlisted after getting out for a few years and was sent to Fort Jackson to process back in to the Army. Got my orders in hand from Montgomery MEPS about 1630 and out the door I went. Jumped in the good ole POV and started driving. After getting to Jackson its late, somewhere around 0130 when I pull into the 120th Reception Battalion. I walk around the outside of the building for what seemed like forever looking for a way in and couldn't find one. By this point I am getting exhausted after being up all day doing the MEPS thing, driving and everything else when I see a bus pulling in! I think finally signs of life! I start walking over to find someone who can help me when several DS's come walking out the door and begin going off on everyone and here is poor ole me standing off to the side which garnered some special attention since I wasn't where I was supposed to be. It was a SGT DS who started ripping into me about leaving the group. The exchange went something along the lines of "Private, what the hell are you doing over here", Me "You mean Sergeant?" lots of expletives later I am finally able to get a word in edgewise and finally am able to say "I am a sergeant, I am here checking in!" The look on his face was hilarious when he said Shit why didn't you just tell me that! He took me back inside got me set up and gave me directions to where I was supposed to be and the most welcomed cup of coffee I think I have ever had! We had a few good laughs over that exchange when we ran into each other a few days later and I had been issued uniforms. This time he didn't call me Private at least..

Here’s something I think just about everyone would enjoy reading. I haven’t finished it yet; but humor in this book is fantastic. It’s not even a novel, it’s just a bunch of short stories.