Posted on May 13, 2020
Can a leader tell me I am attractive or ask me my dating status?
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I have a senior leader that has asked me1.). Do you find yourself attractive?2.). Are you dating anyone?3.). Are you dating at all? Is there anything I can do?
These comment would be inappropriate. If they continue they could be considered sexual harassment. They can also be prejudicial to the good order and discipline of the unit. I have provided an extract of AR 600-20 below for your review.
AR 600-20 provides the following guidance:
7–5. Categories of sexual harassment
a. Verbal. Examples of verbal sexual harassment may include telling sexual jokes; using sexually explicit profanity, threats, sexually oriented cadences, or sexual comments; whistling in a sexually suggestive manner; and describing certain attributes of one’s physical appearance in a sexual manner. Verbal sexual harassment may also include using terms of endearment such as “honey”, “babe”, “sweetheart”, “dear”, “stud”, or “hunk” in referring to Soldiers, civilian co-workers, or Family members.
b. Hostile environment.
A hostile environment occurs when Soldiers or civilians are subjected to offensive, unwanted and unsolicited comments, or behaviors of a sexual nature. If these behaviors unreasonably interfere with their performance, regardless of whether the harasser and the victim are in the same workplace, then the environment is classified as hostile. A hostile environment brings the topic of sex or gender differences into the workplace in any one of a number of forms. It does not necessarily include the more blatant acts of “quid pro quo”; it normally includes nonviolent, gender-biased sexual behaviors (for example, the use of derogatory gender-biased terms, comments about body parts, suggestive pictures, explicit jokes, and unwanted touching).
7–7. Techniques of dealing with sexual harassment All Soldiers and civilians have a responsibility to help resolve acts of sexual harassment. Examples of how to accomplish this follows:
a. Direct approach. Confront the harasser and tell them that the behavior is not appreciated, not welcomed and that it must stop. Stay focused on the behavior and its impact. Use common courtesy. Write down thoughts before approaching the individual involved.
b. Indirect approach. Send a letter to the harasser stating the facts, personal feelings about the inappropriate behavior and expected resolution.
c. Third party. Request assistance from another person. Ask someone else to talk to the harasser, to accompany the victim, or to intervene on behalf of the victim to resolve the conflict.
d. Chain of command. Report the behavior to immediate supervisor or others in chain of command and ask for assistance in resolving the situation.
e. Filing a formal complaint. Details for filing an informal or formal complaint are included in appendix D.
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These comment would be inappropriate. If they continue they could be considered sexual harassment. They can also be prejudicial to the good order and discipline of the unit. I have provided an extract of AR 600-20 below for your review.
AR 600-20 provides the following guidance:
7–5. Categories of sexual harassment
a. Verbal. Examples of verbal sexual harassment may include telling sexual jokes; using sexually explicit profanity, threats, sexually oriented cadences, or sexual comments; whistling in a sexually suggestive manner; and describing certain attributes of one’s physical appearance in a sexual manner. Verbal sexual harassment may also include using terms of endearment such as “honey”, “babe”, “sweetheart”, “dear”, “stud”, or “hunk” in referring to Soldiers, civilian co-workers, or Family members.
b. Hostile environment.
A hostile environment occurs when Soldiers or civilians are subjected to offensive, unwanted and unsolicited comments, or behaviors of a sexual nature. If these behaviors unreasonably interfere with their performance, regardless of whether the harasser and the victim are in the same workplace, then the environment is classified as hostile. A hostile environment brings the topic of sex or gender differences into the workplace in any one of a number of forms. It does not necessarily include the more blatant acts of “quid pro quo”; it normally includes nonviolent, gender-biased sexual behaviors (for example, the use of derogatory gender-biased terms, comments about body parts, suggestive pictures, explicit jokes, and unwanted touching).
7–7. Techniques of dealing with sexual harassment All Soldiers and civilians have a responsibility to help resolve acts of sexual harassment. Examples of how to accomplish this follows:
a. Direct approach. Confront the harasser and tell them that the behavior is not appreciated, not welcomed and that it must stop. Stay focused on the behavior and its impact. Use common courtesy. Write down thoughts before approaching the individual involved.
b. Indirect approach. Send a letter to the harasser stating the facts, personal feelings about the inappropriate behavior and expected resolution.
c. Third party. Request assistance from another person. Ask someone else to talk to the harasser, to accompany the victim, or to intervene on behalf of the victim to resolve the conflict.
d. Chain of command. Report the behavior to immediate supervisor or others in chain of command and ask for assistance in resolving the situation.
e. Filing a formal complaint. Details for filing an informal or formal complaint are included in appendix D.
See the article at:
http://asktop.net/q-and-a/can-a-leader-ask-if-i-am-dating-someone/?preview=true
Follow us on:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MentorMilitary/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/MentorMilitary
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/ment…
Posted in these groups: 
Sexual Harassment
Sexual Harassment
Edited >1 y ago
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 14
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I have experienced this type of leadership, it's very unfortunate because as a lower enlisted soldier I lose a lot of respect for said senior leader and actually get treated differently when I "reject" or don't play into their question's.... it actually happens more over social media than face to face... which I think is quite ignorant since everything is in solid writing. So a good rule of thumb I use for myself is to not add senior leaders on my private social media platforms.
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CSM Mark Gerecht
Unfortunately it is common for leaders to treat soldiers differently if they are rejected. Which can them get them into more trouble.
With regard to asocial media my rule of thumb is no one I work with is on my social media account. It has the potential trial to cause drama and rumors.
Thanks for your feedback
With regard to asocial media my rule of thumb is no one I work with is on my social media account. It has the potential trial to cause drama and rumors.
Thanks for your feedback
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SGT Wajahat Mohiuddin
That is a great rule regarding social media, I myself only added people from my former company after my ETS.
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A1C Medrick "Rick" DeVaney
I'm SO Glad I'm Old ENOUGH To Where In SHOULD Be Dead.
I Have NO Idea How You Fk'n Kids Ever Get To Know Each Other Without
Having To Meet In Court....Everyone's So Touchy & Trying To Sue Someone Over
BULL SH*T, And Claiming To Be Insulted Or Hurt, By What Some Else Said Or Did..
~~~ "GOD?.. Please KILL ME Before These SOB'S Try to Destroy MY Life"....~~~
.
NEW People Of This Earth.... STUFF IT, I've Had Enough Of Your Crap !
I Have NO Idea How You Fk'n Kids Ever Get To Know Each Other Without
Having To Meet In Court....Everyone's So Touchy & Trying To Sue Someone Over
BULL SH*T, And Claiming To Be Insulted Or Hurt, By What Some Else Said Or Did..
~~~ "GOD?.. Please KILL ME Before These SOB'S Try to Destroy MY Life"....~~~
.
NEW People Of This Earth.... STUFF IT, I've Had Enough Of Your Crap !
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Those words would NEVER come out of my mouth when speaking to another SM.
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SFC Livingstion - Totally agree with you. Unfortunately some leaders don't get it.
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The answers to the questions should have been. 1) yes. 2) not your business. 3) Still not your business. Respectfully I don’t appreciate your questions or comments. Please stop. May I be excused?
Go immediately from that situation to the SHARP person in your unit and report.
Go immediately from that situation to the SHARP person in your unit and report.
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This looks like a fraternization issue as well. At least potentially fraternization.
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Back in the day when I was doing Town Patrol in Itaewon, one night a female kept asking me out even after I told her I was married. Later that night she grabbed my ass, which really pissed me off because I was an on duty MP. I put her at parade rest and got her ID. She turned out to be a SSG and I was a SPC. I asked her if I had grabbed her ass what she would have done? She told me she would have probably slapped me. But in her mind it was OK to do it to a guy. A similar thing happened back in my SFC bodybuilding days. A woman grabbed my chest when I was at a bar. I turned to her and really ripped her a new one. Asked her what she would do if I grabbed her chest. Her answer was that she would slap the shit outa me. So I said, "then what gives you the f'n right to touch me." Some people just don't get it, you don't touch what is not yours.
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MAJ Ronnie Reams
MSG (Join to see) - No, he could have detained her. Only officers can put a soldier on arrest. Arrest is different in the military than in civilian life.
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SSG (Join to see)
SGM Steve Wettstein, I have had this situation happened to me more than once. I didn't want to cause a scene or verbal confrontation. There some women who think men should be flattered by having a women touching a them. However, it doesn't matter the gender of the person. A woman or man shouldn't initiate any type of sexual touching unless it is consusal.
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A1C Alexa Cosson
When I was working with the men, they would say "stuff" all the time. I could just ignore it. Then one guy grabbed my ass, and I turned on him, went hat brim to hat brim and told him, in front of the squad, to NEVER!! lay a hand on me again! Or Else!!! After that, it didn't happen again!
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To make light of the topic... What if it were a Marine asking those questions to a 64 pack of Crayolas with the built in sharpener?
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Well said CSM! There is no place for this type of behavior in our military, regardless of rank or position.
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Always the first step in any given situation where behavior is considered harassing, uncomfortable, unprofessional, and sexual in nature is to let the individual(s) know immediately it is not appreciated, unwarranted, and unacceptable. Be specific as to what part of their behavior is creating an uncomfortable environment (what they or saying or doing to you or others).
Rank does not have its privileges and being a senior member they should already be aware of that. Make note of the day, time and location and what was said and why, including names of any future witnesses to the fact.
I would upon letting my feelings be known to the senior member expect a changed behavior in a more professional light. However, this may or may not happen. You must by all means file a complaint if it continues. Document everything.
Rank does not have its privileges and being a senior member they should already be aware of that. Make note of the day, time and location and what was said and why, including names of any future witnesses to the fact.
I would upon letting my feelings be known to the senior member expect a changed behavior in a more professional light. However, this may or may not happen. You must by all means file a complaint if it continues. Document everything.
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CSM Mark Gerecht
You are absolutely correct! I think the key issue here is when a Senior Leader conveys such information to a subordinate the subordinate can feel uncomfortable and fear retribution. But the key to putting the issue to bed is making sure key people in the chain of command know the issue took place so they can ensure retribution does not happen. This group of people should be limited to individuals like the Commander, First Sergeant, Platoon Leader, etc. The smaller the better. You have to be able to stand up for yourself but let's face it some leaders are vindictive when rebuffed and can make life hell for a subordinate. Therefore other senior leaders with values need to provide overwatch of the situation.
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Let's Simplify This.
I've Had Nothing But Respect & Results By Asking This:
" If You Have Time For Coffee, I'm Buying If You'd Like
To Come Along And Chat For Awhile".
.
EASY To Use & It Works Both Ways...
It AIN'T Sexual Harassment, Either.
It's An Invitation For A Cup Of Coffee... That's IT..
I've Had Nothing But Respect & Results By Asking This:
" If You Have Time For Coffee, I'm Buying If You'd Like
To Come Along And Chat For Awhile".
.
EASY To Use & It Works Both Ways...
It AIN'T Sexual Harassment, Either.
It's An Invitation For A Cup Of Coffee... That's IT..
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