Getting ready for a divorce...any help would be awesome..... I'm kinda scared.

Twenty-five years ago, Larry, when I came home one fateful night after work and found an empty home, I first thought we'd been burglarized. When it finally sunk in what had happened, I went into the family room leaned against the wall, slide down it until my butt hit the floor and my knees were up in my chest. That's where my recliner had been. I looked across the room at the opposite wall, where the TV once sat, and stared at that empty space for FOUR solid hours, without moving once. I can't even remember breathing. The phone was ringing off the hook. I would later learn that several of "my" friends helped my eventual Ex to begin the entire move right after I left for work that morning. It had all been planned out in advance. She'd even signed a lease on a condo three months earlier. I had been wondering why some of bills weren't being paid.

The difference between you and me, Larry, is that you know your divorce is coming. If everything has been tried to save the marriage, or you have both mutually agreed that this ain't happening anymore, then you are well ahead of the curve. I was completely blindsided. 'Nuther story.

Anyhow, here's my advice:

1. Forget the books your friends will suggest you read about divorce. That's someone else's response to it on their terms.

2. Take no one's personal advice, even from your best friend. That was his experience. You have to walk this path by yourself. Only you can respond to the changes that will occur in ways that will make you comfortable. NO book can teach you that. ZIP. NADA.

3. Please, do not attend some Self-Help group counseling for post-decree divorcees. After one meeting, you'll need a Shrink for three years!!!

4. Most importantly, if it is really, truly over, shut that door and lock it. I literally burned photos out in the backyard over my new BBQ grill...the relief it gave me was palpable. It wasn't vindictiveness, but more like a cleansing. For me, it was necessary, and it worked wonders for my self-esteem.

5. Jump back into life immediately. Church, work, ballgames with buddies. Pity parties will "kill" your recovery time.

6. If there are kids, this will be harder on them. Never show them anger, or bitterness, or regrets. Enjoy your time with them, but be ready to LISTEN. A LOT!!! Major important!!!

7. Remember Rules #1 and #2. My experience and this advice is what I learned ON MY OWN. I listened to no one, I read no books. I watched no videos. Those were other people's answers and solutions. I didn't have to read one single page of one single book to know it would do nothing for me. I was walking on virgin ground. I had to go it alone and feel my way through it, day by day. The first two days, I worked, spoke very little to anyone, and told no one anything. But the third day was a near complete collapse as the full realization of what had happened and what I was facing finally set in. Then I set about doing the things I wrote above and next.

8. The most important thing I forced myself to comprehend was that the things I lost in the divorce, whether small or substantial, were all "boxes of stuff." I needed to, and I did, convince myself it was just stuff. Stuff I could replace or stuff with which I no longer needed to be identified. That was the second major mental cleansing I needed to experience.

9. Remember, your marriage didn't begin in one day, I'm sure. Neither will this major alteration to it and your reconciliation with it occur in twenty-four hours. It will take time. YOU are the keeper of that clock. And only you.

10. What I've written was the prescription I wrote for myself, just as the clock ticked away from the first moment it all slapped me in the head to the day I finally woke up and had not one single thought about what had been. That was a good day. And I can't begin to tell you what date it was, either. Because it was just another day for me.

SPC Larry Boutwell: Good luck. There's a very favorite book of mine entitled, " Don't Sweat The Small Stuff......And It's All Small Stuff!!!" It can be read in one hour. I've read it scores of times. I've learned that most of life really is made of small stuff. Inconsequential stuff and the few things that really are significant stuff. It's your turn to figure what goes in those two columns for yourself. That's why I've told you from the beginning that this is where you can only work this out yourself. Only you can list what goes in those two columns in your life. No book nor any other person can do it for you.

SPC Larry Boutwell, I am further down the path - I expect my wife to move out in a month or so. We should finalize things before year's end.
I believe that we hit on a novel approach. When she hit me with the news shortly after I returned home from Africa, I was devastated. I stayed that way for about six months as life unraveled and I discovered the depth of the problem.
We have three children together in our 16 plus years of marriage, 9, 8, and 3. Once the realization that it was really over and not going to get fixed sunk in, I went to work on the desired outcome. The children were my priority. I sat down with Melissa and we talked it out. It took many sessions, but eventually reality and what was best for the kids won out.
What is unique about us is that we are basically figuring out the entirety of the divorce terms between us. This saves a fortune in attorney fees and untold amounts of goodwill. We obviously don't completely agree, but once the broad brushstrokes were figured out, the rest came together.

She left our finances in shambles, my trust in people badly damaged, and I've watched her devolve in front of my eyes, but we will be OK.

Change is hard. You lived with her. You shared dreams and memories together. You swore to be with one another forever, and now it isn't going to be.
Take the time to grieve.
Then get back on the horse and live. Travel. Play cards with the guys. Go on the long fishing weekends that she always gave you a hard time about. Watch the game on TV, and invite the neighbors over for a burger and a beer.
You aren't alone.
If there is any help and insight I can offer, all you need do is ask.
Good luck, Larry.

Man, been there done that. Try and be as civil as you can. It will make the process much easier. Do you have children?