How would you briefly describe each one of the Army NCO ranks?

Obviously the humorous answer!

CPL - still connected to the E4 mafia but feels the burden of leadership. Hence, delegates shamming

SGT - believes that upon getting pinned a lightning bolt struck him in the back of the head and he knows everything about everything and his way is the only right way

SSG - beleaguered and embittered by the fact that so much more is expected but so little is provided. Starting to question that lighting bolt

SFC - the last good man in the Army. Maybe. Or retired on active duty and is just riding his time so he can pay for his next divorce

MSG - who am I and what should I be doing?

1SG - thinks he can dictate policy to God. Once tried to counsel a CW4 and was amazed when his last 15 company commanders thought they were actually in command

SGM - who am I and what should I be doing but also get your damn hair cut

CSM - all change is bad, the old way is always better, and also get a damn haircut and prioritize PT over tactical and technical proficiency or you’ll never get to where I am