How would you critique my essay entitled "Why I want to be an officer"?

http://www.afa.org

This also....

http://www.crows.org

And this....

http://www.afcea.org

Become familiar with this....

http://www.usni.org

Subscribe to their proceedings, it should be reqd reading for all svc mbrs, it's hat good, as is all their stuff....

http://www.mors.org

You'll find this interesting, I think....

I was supposed to have gone Army ROTC, I went USAF OTS instead afterward. I wasn't enlisted prior, in tatz you have a very definite advantage, in terms of sheer orientation. However, I'd merely make what I'm hoping are a few sanguine observations, OK? First, you don't absolutely need to go for Army, I realize you want it, however you should most definitely look at all svcs, when I was at USAF OTS, there were many who were non prior, hough the priors did generally adapt more readily, more of them finished as distinguished grads (DGs), I'm unsure if OCS programs do that now, or OIS indoc programs for direct commissioning. You could find that you might find your background, esp your major, might be quite useful at USCG, being as it's explicitly under Homeland now, just a thought. Further, it'd held to know you GPA, if you could say, also, just exactly how much STEM coursework you've had...math? Physics? Cjem? Bio? Engineering? Comp sci (CS)? IT? I'd seen !material in the Army direct commission cyber program, I'm sure you'd likely have run across it, merely a thought, of course...also, you might find that going into another svc might offer some useful perspective, however, I'd realize you'd likely want to stay Army, I'd gather? Now, at the same time, from virtually day one, you're gonna need to realize that you're gonna be expected to get a masters, minimum, part time, virtually immediately, doctoral, that can wait, maybe you'd want itz maybe not, however, when I was USAF, hey were REAL serious about company graders getting masters minimum, and pronto, ASAP PDQ, along with PME, in the case of USAF, Squadron Officers School (SOS). Further, all senior enlisted, warrant, and commissioned, in app svcs, can submit for AFIT in USAF, and Naval Postgrad School (NPS) in Navy, going as an intersvc student, that includes Army, you'd stay Army, you'd merely attend a program, so if you do go commissioned, I'd submit formbith of them, you'd likely probably have to wait a tour or two. Depending on your GPA, you can also submit for the Rhodes Scholar program, military have gotten itz I've seen sites about that, there's also the military attache program of the State Dept, as well as Congressional Fellow and White House Fellow programs, I'd very seriously get the autobio of Gen Colin Powell, imthunk you'd find it most instructive, if you've never read it, he explains quite lucidly, and in considerable detail, exactly he training he got, to achiegenwhat he die. I'd also submit for the USMC command and staff nonresident program, the USAF SOS nonresident, and the Naval War College (NWC) command and staff nonresident program. Further, I've known of instances where warrant and commissioned from other svcs can apply to attend PME schools, many of which are masters level programs, in residence, as guests, I merely suggest that to try to broaden your perspective, honest? Let me send this again, then I'll try to send more stuff I think you might find useful and/or of interest, OK?

I'm on a tablet with not exactly the greatest keyboard and spell check, plus, my eyes are, unfortunately, not always the greatest either, so there may be frequent typos as I do this. The basic phraseology, I think was actually reasonably good...the grammatical and syntactical corrections mentioned were, in fact, quite correct. There are a few things aboutnwritung something like that...first, brevity is the soul of wit. Second, correcting clumsy phraseology or grammar and syntax errors always is easier using at least two minds, as one mind, that of the writer, will pretty !much always tend to rephrase a passage unconsciously, and thus miss necessary corrections. A few other little grammatical and syntactical do-dads along the way, OK? There is no such word as utilize, not that you used it, however, I merely mention hat purely for sake of reference, the correct wors is used. Next, techniques are never employed, the word employ only is to be used in the context of work for humans, at no other time. Further, upon only exists in fairy tales, there is no such word, anyone who says there is has no clue how to write, period. That integers or zero, hose below 10, need to be spelled out, is true, that is proper English. Get a copy of Elements of Style, I believe, by Strunk, if I can find the reference on a site, I'll try to send it in, that's grown to be rather akin to Robert's Rules of Order used for meeting, in the context of proper writing. Let me send this, the table I'm on has a frequent habit of conking out....

http://www.ocsfoundation.org

You might find this useful to look through....

Everybody had excellent suggestions for the grammatical shining-up of your essay. The Rally Point respondents should really take a bow. Your essay will now be as correct as the 300 other ones the board is tasked to read. Lets dissect the paper from a different angle. In your opening paragraph you state that you realized that you could serve the Army better as an officer than as an enlisted man, but you had a 11 year civilian career before you acted on your dream. In addition, you use the word 'now' which leads the reader to assume that your decision to gain a commission was more of a linear timeline rather than a burning desire from 11 years ago. This impression is further substantiated by you revealing that it was not until completing your undergrad that your plan to gain a commission began to form. From there you transition into a vague requirement for an officer to command and lead, and direct senior subordinates to command down the line. The board is aware of this requirement. You imply that making Sgt in two and one half years was a positive factor, then you suggest that you were held back by your desire for a commission. It appears to me that your enlisted career was quite successful up to that point, at what point were you 'held back'? Your essay continues to have inconsistencies and under developed thoughts. I have served on several boards in both military and civilian capacities. Several of the boards had essay requirements as part of the application package. Without reading any other personal data, when I read your essay I see a solder that completed his enlistment and rejoined the civilian world for a 11 year break. For some unknown reason that gig started to not pan out, so now you are going to convince me that by sending you to OCS you will morph into some kind of super Lieutenant, perhaps until a better offer comes your way. I know what you are thinking 'what a asshole' and maybe you are correct, but I am a honest asshole who gave you his honest opinion based on prior experience. Have you considered that every other candidate who has applied promises to be a super Lieutenant also.
OK, I have beat up the paper enough for you to gain a general indication of what I perceive as the weak spots in your CV. Lets see if we can shine it up enough to impress the poor bastard who has already read 200 of these things. First, what are the positive factors of your application? Prior enlisted with rapid promotion. What was your MOS? Did you receive any awards for leadership, throwing yourself on a grenade etc.? During your 11 year break, did you drill in the reserves? If yes, same story there. You have a degree and experience in a field that the Army can use in several different ways, and graduated at the top of your class. This will place you apart from all the underwater basket weavers who can't find a job I have never seen an Army Commission package, but I'm sure they required references. You advantage as prior enlisted is that you can hunt down prior commanders who will attest to the fact that, given the opportunity, you will be the greatest leader since Stonewall Jackson. You think I'm kidding, the recommendations need to be that strong, and laced with personal details about you to show they actually know who you are. Letters from Birds and Stars that you served in there command are the best. How do you do it? Hunt them down, catch them on the way to lunch and make your elevator pitch. If they are the type leaders that you speak of they will sign a letter most likely written by an aide. Have a fact sheet already prepared with accurate times, dates, and Metal of Honor leadership traits well documented. Make sure they send two copies. One to the board, and one to you personally. The reason is that if you are not selected, that kind of stuff can be valuable down the road. How old are you? You have to be getting close to the top end for admission. If your not a 300 stud you better start, and by all the new standards coming into effect. They are sure to take into account your age, however from a mathematical standpoint, I understand they subtract your enlisted time from your 'admission age'. No matter, super Lieutenant is a PT stud.
What is working against you? The huge elephant in the room is the 11 year break and you need to address the issue just enough to sound reasonable and believable. Was there a underlying reason you had to get out? Don't lye, they do extensive background checks, but you never know. You, in your essay, talk a great deal about motivating everybody within 100 yards of your reflector belt. Not once do you address how you intend to do this. What special skills do you master, above the next guy, to achieve the lofty goals you promised the board. This is an area where you have the opportunity to weave a connection between the skills you learned on a Special Response Team, and the skills that make a strong Lieutenant. Depending on how you want to cut that elephant down to size, you could possibility admit that you made a mistake getting out. And even though the civilian job market is strong and my skills are in high demand in today's world, I would be making a stronger impact in service to my country by bringing those special skills back to where they can support my mission as a officer to educate, mentor, and provide a leadership example from the front, that my troops can follow into the next decade.
This has already gone too long. If it makes any sense to you at all, we can connect, and do this by PM. That way, all the tricks of writing a successful CV, are not blabbed all over Rally Point. If you don't see it my way and still think I'm a asshole, that's OK to, I have a thick skin. That's what officers do, try to help a problem in the best way they know.

Good Luck,
Ray

Agree with CAPT Rana. You could also just shorten to "pathway to a commission." Also, just my opinion here, but the statement that what was holding you back from success as an enlisted is the fact that you believe you should be an officer just does not sound right. Maybe consider how your experience as an enlisted could make you a more effective officer and Express that. Good luck! (from a Mustang)