Posted on May 24, 2018
How would you critique my essay entitled "Why I want to be an officer"?
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Any critiques for my essay as to "why I want to be an officer" would be greatly appreciated. I am currently working on my packet for OCS. I am prior enlisted Army SGT (13B), with a degree in Homeland Security and Emergency Management.
I have always had a desire to serve and be a part of something bigger than myself. This was true when I first enlisted in the Army, with my current civilian job working for the Department of Energy on a Special Response Team, and my desire to become an officer now. An officer in the Army must not only be able to command and lead those below him/her, but develop policies and procedures that would make it easier for others to command those below them.
As an enlisted soldier I made the rank of SGT in under 2 and a half years. I have no doubt that I would have had a successful career as an enlisted soldier, if I continued down that path. The biggest thing that was holding me back is that I knew that I could do so much more for the Army as an officer versus enlisted. I will always cherish my time as an NCO though, and would not change that experience for anything. After graduating summa cum laude with a bachelor’s degree in Homeland Security and Emergency Management, the path to an officer commission started to form.
I know as an Army officer I will be an exemplary model for the NCOs, junior enlisted, and peer officers that I work with. I will show them that they can always strive to do more and be better than they were yesterday. There is no such thing as perfection, but with the right motivation I will show my fellow soldiers that they can achieve even more than they imagined. There will be different opportunities and challenges along the way, but I have never shied away from difficult situations. With the example I set as an officer, and the leadership that I bring to the unit, I will ensure mission readiness and troop welfare are at the forefront. In doing so, I will also help the overall mission of the Army.
With my prior enlisted experience, degree in emergency management, and over 11 years with a special response team, I know I will excel as an Army officer. No matter what branch that I may end up in I will bring with me, a strong work ethic, a strive to make those around me and myself better, honor and integrity. In the end, I am not looking to become an officer for what it can do for me, but what I can do for the Army. When the unit and people under my command succeed at their mission and raise the bar for the next soldiers that come along, that will be my reward.
I have always had a desire to serve and be a part of something bigger than myself. This was true when I first enlisted in the Army, with my current civilian job working for the Department of Energy on a Special Response Team, and my desire to become an officer now. An officer in the Army must not only be able to command and lead those below him/her, but develop policies and procedures that would make it easier for others to command those below them.
As an enlisted soldier I made the rank of SGT in under 2 and a half years. I have no doubt that I would have had a successful career as an enlisted soldier, if I continued down that path. The biggest thing that was holding me back is that I knew that I could do so much more for the Army as an officer versus enlisted. I will always cherish my time as an NCO though, and would not change that experience for anything. After graduating summa cum laude with a bachelor’s degree in Homeland Security and Emergency Management, the path to an officer commission started to form.
I know as an Army officer I will be an exemplary model for the NCOs, junior enlisted, and peer officers that I work with. I will show them that they can always strive to do more and be better than they were yesterday. There is no such thing as perfection, but with the right motivation I will show my fellow soldiers that they can achieve even more than they imagined. There will be different opportunities and challenges along the way, but I have never shied away from difficult situations. With the example I set as an officer, and the leadership that I bring to the unit, I will ensure mission readiness and troop welfare are at the forefront. In doing so, I will also help the overall mission of the Army.
With my prior enlisted experience, degree in emergency management, and over 11 years with a special response team, I know I will excel as an Army officer. No matter what branch that I may end up in I will bring with me, a strong work ethic, a strive to make those around me and myself better, honor and integrity. In the end, I am not looking to become an officer for what it can do for me, but what I can do for the Army. When the unit and people under my command succeed at their mission and raise the bar for the next soldiers that come along, that will be my reward.
OCS
Officer Candidate School (OCS) (Army)
Enlisted-to-Officer
Posted 6 y ago
Responses: 43
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1. You earn rank, but you don't make rank.
2. Any numbers under 10 are spelled out, like two vs. 2 and a half years....
3. Change versus to than a non-commissioned officer.
4. It should be "...my journey to becoming a commissioned officers began to take shape."
5. "I will become the success to emulate as a commissioned officers; I will challenge my subordinates and peers to aim higher, achieve more and strive for the best in all". Make it sound like you are ahead charting your course as a commissioned officer, even ahead of your selection.
These are my initial thoughts and screening of your draft letter. Hope it is helpful.
2. Any numbers under 10 are spelled out, like two vs. 2 and a half years....
3. Change versus to than a non-commissioned officer.
4. It should be "...my journey to becoming a commissioned officers began to take shape."
5. "I will become the success to emulate as a commissioned officers; I will challenge my subordinates and peers to aim higher, achieve more and strive for the best in all". Make it sound like you are ahead charting your course as a commissioned officer, even ahead of your selection.
These are my initial thoughts and screening of your draft letter. Hope it is helpful.
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CPT Gurinder (Gene) Rana
I read an OER in which the SR wrote, "Solid performance by a junior officer. His zeal for success and his commitment to duty is at par with colonels and GOs. Must promote now and groom for Brigade Command with intent to position him ahead of peers". I always wondered what does this OER write-up mean for that 1LT whose file it would garnish. Will the 1LT become a COL ahead of peers or can such a vague and overrated OER become his Achilles Heel in the Army? COL Mikel J. Burroughs,Col (Join to see),Lt Col Charlie Brown,Maj Marty Hogan,SFC Stephen Atchley
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SGT Edward Thomas
Things must have changed since my ETS. 2LT to 1LT is automatic. 1LT to CPT is automatic. First real promotion for an officer is CPT to MAJ. The normal for enlisted was up to PFC could be an entered directly. SPC required a bachelors degree to enter at that grade. PFC to SPC was automatic with TIG/TIS. First real promotion for enlisted is SPC/CPL to SGT but is it really earning just because you meet the cutoff scores? It could be considered earning. SGT to SSG is the same way. Once you send your records in to the SFC board to me is the first real promotion for enlisted.
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I agree with CPT Gurinder, & Honestly, I felt like this was an exercise in writing 101, rather something of passion and from the heart.
You wrote: With my prior enlisted experience, degree in emergency management, and over 11 years with a special response team, I know I will excel as an Army officer.
Rather than something along the lines of " Regardless of the field, my combination of education and leadership skills obtained as a non-commissioned officer, will aid in me striving to become an Officer that both superiors and subordinates look to leadership and advice." It is boiled down, direct, and covers what you want to convey.
You wrote: With my prior enlisted experience, degree in emergency management, and over 11 years with a special response team, I know I will excel as an Army officer.
Rather than something along the lines of " Regardless of the field, my combination of education and leadership skills obtained as a non-commissioned officer, will aid in me striving to become an Officer that both superiors and subordinates look to leadership and advice." It is boiled down, direct, and covers what you want to convey.
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CW3 Kevin Storm
No problem, concentrate on reducing the extra "fat" in your wording, keep in mind the person on the other end is having to read this. If you are applying for a Gov position, pay attention to the Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities section (also known as KSA's) answer the questions they ask, and use some of the terminology they use in the question in your response. Why, because many hiring authorities have a first tier system of having it scanned by a computer, what will the computer look for...the KSA related responses. More people lose out on Gov positions, because they didn't put enough emphasis on the KSA's.
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The first sentence is perfect. The rest, follow the advice of CPT Rana below.
A bit of advice: Many prior enlisted (myself included) really have no idea what they are getting into as a commissioned officer. USMA grads probably have the best idea of what it will be like because of the experience of West Point but that environment doesn't exist anywhere else in the Army so their perspective is a bit off for their first couple of years. However, there's a reason officers make more money and in a word it is: Sacrifice. You will have to be the grown-up. You're the one who plans everything, fixes the plans, plan some more, then fix everything that goes wrong when the plans fail. All those porta-johns, water points, food supplies, training areas, transportation, Class III & V, doesn't get there by itself. Officers make sure those things happen. You won't always have someone making sure you're doing the right thing because that'll be YOUR job. You will have to self-motivating and driven to make sure all your bases are covered, and you will usually miss one or two. You will spend countless hours doing mind-numbing staff work, planning, writing orders, emails, meetings, and then trying to run your organization if you're in command. You'll miss holidays, birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, and other important family events, even more than you did as an enlisted man. Your career is basically starting over and unless you managed to get a badge or tab while enlisted, no one will care what you did then. You will have to aggressively manage your career yourself in what little spare time you have because no one will do it for you. You'll have to serve in specific positions and go to several schools along the way to earn the next rank. Most of all, you will put your Soldier's needs ahead of your own ALWAYS.
As for OCS: PT your butt off before you get there and don't quit. It isn't a training event, it's a hazing. The only real lesson I learned in OCS was how much quit was in me. Turns out, not very much. Good luck, Troop.
-MAJ Jones
A bit of advice: Many prior enlisted (myself included) really have no idea what they are getting into as a commissioned officer. USMA grads probably have the best idea of what it will be like because of the experience of West Point but that environment doesn't exist anywhere else in the Army so their perspective is a bit off for their first couple of years. However, there's a reason officers make more money and in a word it is: Sacrifice. You will have to be the grown-up. You're the one who plans everything, fixes the plans, plan some more, then fix everything that goes wrong when the plans fail. All those porta-johns, water points, food supplies, training areas, transportation, Class III & V, doesn't get there by itself. Officers make sure those things happen. You won't always have someone making sure you're doing the right thing because that'll be YOUR job. You will have to self-motivating and driven to make sure all your bases are covered, and you will usually miss one or two. You will spend countless hours doing mind-numbing staff work, planning, writing orders, emails, meetings, and then trying to run your organization if you're in command. You'll miss holidays, birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, and other important family events, even more than you did as an enlisted man. Your career is basically starting over and unless you managed to get a badge or tab while enlisted, no one will care what you did then. You will have to aggressively manage your career yourself in what little spare time you have because no one will do it for you. You'll have to serve in specific positions and go to several schools along the way to earn the next rank. Most of all, you will put your Soldier's needs ahead of your own ALWAYS.
As for OCS: PT your butt off before you get there and don't quit. It isn't a training event, it's a hazing. The only real lesson I learned in OCS was how much quit was in me. Turns out, not very much. Good luck, Troop.
-MAJ Jones
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SPC (Join to see)
MAJ (Join to see) This is some excellent real world advice. This posting actually stirred something up inside of me. The price paid for success is sacrifice! Your word resonated with me and I'll keep them in my as I prepare and go through my own OCS journey. Thank Maj for taking the time to type such a spirited response. You made an impact today.
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I find it wordy and rambling. Simplify it and be more bold. I started my essay with an introduction with my main 4 reasons. I described my 4 reasons in the body, and wrote a short conclusion.
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MAJ Ken Landgren
SGT Luis Guzman - If you organize and simplify your essay, it will be easier to remember and articulate if someone asks you why you want to become an officer. Good luck, we would like to see what you propose next time.
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Keep working on it. A couple of points:
You didn’t “make” rank, your EARNED it.
You will make the ARMY better.
Being a leader means priorities are number one. It’s Army, mission, readiness, and then the people under you and what they need to first be mission ready and then morale. Make sure you put things in your essay in the proper order.
And finally, don’t say he/she. You are one or the other and this is about you.
One more thing. As you write this remember that if you want a job act like you already have the job. It’s not “what I would do”, it’s what I will do.
SSgt Mimeault
You didn’t “make” rank, your EARNED it.
You will make the ARMY better.
Being a leader means priorities are number one. It’s Army, mission, readiness, and then the people under you and what they need to first be mission ready and then morale. Make sure you put things in your essay in the proper order.
And finally, don’t say he/she. You are one or the other and this is about you.
One more thing. As you write this remember that if you want a job act like you already have the job. It’s not “what I would do”, it’s what I will do.
SSgt Mimeault
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SGT Guzman, I think you have a lot of good information in your essay but a few modifications could help get you noticed. If you are looking to submit it as an essay, you will want it to follow an accepted essay format. Here's an example of how I was taught back in WR 121.
Introduction paragraph:
2-5 sentences to get the readers attention and introduce the topic.
A one sentence thesis statement (e.g. I am a good enlisted soldier; I would make an excellent officer).
Topic paragraphs supporting your thesis:
Follow your Into paragraph with 2-3 topic paragraphs. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence. (e.g. As a Non-Commissioned Officer (NCO) I exceeded expectations when I...). Use the body of the topic paragraphs to support your topic sentence in 2-5 sentences.
Conclusion paragraph:
Use different words in the first sentence to restate your thesis statement.
Summarize your topic paragraphs using one sentence per topic.
Use 1-3 sentences to leave the reader with a lasting impression of your essay.
Mechanics:
- Tie your topic sentences together using transitional words and phrases.
- Support any claims you make with evidence (e.g. I was an excellent NCO and I proved that by consistently scoring 300 points on ... and I was awarded X for doing Y).
- There is also a ton of information available on the web. I usually go to the Purdue's Online Writing Lab to figure things out. Here's a link to some useful info on conclusions: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/engagement/2/2/60/
Here's a link to a page with transition words that can be useful:
http://www.smart-words.org/linking-words/transition-words.html
- If you read through your essay and find yourself repeating words over and over, you might want to use a thesaurus to find an alternative word.
The people that evaluate essays on a regular basis can spot a well written essay from a mile away, and they tend to chuck the ones that are hard to follow. The team I worked on at IBM frequently had applicants write essays explaining why they should be considered. If we got into reading a paragraph and the body didn't fit with the topic, or the topic was unclear, it made it difficult to follow the writer's intended meaning.
You got this!
Introduction paragraph:
2-5 sentences to get the readers attention and introduce the topic.
A one sentence thesis statement (e.g. I am a good enlisted soldier; I would make an excellent officer).
Topic paragraphs supporting your thesis:
Follow your Into paragraph with 2-3 topic paragraphs. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence. (e.g. As a Non-Commissioned Officer (NCO) I exceeded expectations when I...). Use the body of the topic paragraphs to support your topic sentence in 2-5 sentences.
Conclusion paragraph:
Use different words in the first sentence to restate your thesis statement.
Summarize your topic paragraphs using one sentence per topic.
Use 1-3 sentences to leave the reader with a lasting impression of your essay.
Mechanics:
- Tie your topic sentences together using transitional words and phrases.
- Support any claims you make with evidence (e.g. I was an excellent NCO and I proved that by consistently scoring 300 points on ... and I was awarded X for doing Y).
- There is also a ton of information available on the web. I usually go to the Purdue's Online Writing Lab to figure things out. Here's a link to some useful info on conclusions: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/engagement/2/2/60/
Here's a link to a page with transition words that can be useful:
http://www.smart-words.org/linking-words/transition-words.html
- If you read through your essay and find yourself repeating words over and over, you might want to use a thesaurus to find an alternative word.
The people that evaluate essays on a regular basis can spot a well written essay from a mile away, and they tend to chuck the ones that are hard to follow. The team I worked on at IBM frequently had applicants write essays explaining why they should be considered. If we got into reading a paragraph and the body didn't fit with the topic, or the topic was unclear, it made it difficult to follow the writer's intended meaning.
You got this!
Welcome to the Engagement area of the Purdue OWL. This area houses resources dedicated to - and often developed with - local organizations in greater Lafayette and Indiana.
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http://www.usphs.gov
Look at all of this, esp the Jr and Sr COSTEP, and Hlth Info Mgmt (HIM) page....search for them, you'll find them, and call their toll free phone, as I'd said, OK?
Look at all of this, esp the Jr and Sr COSTEP, and Hlth Info Mgmt (HIM) page....search for them, you'll find them, and call their toll free phone, as I'd said, OK?
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Congrats on your success. I wish I could remember what I said/wrote, but that was 1979! If you have a grammar/punctuation checker, it would be wise to run this through it. Also, always use Spell Check. Personally, I think you should make it shorter and especially avoid being too wordy. These were always two of my issues. Also, some sentences have too much detail and I also have done this in an effort to clarify (as I believe you have), but this can be distracting and lead to some repetition. Don't mention your degree and credentials more than once. If you need to, only briefly refer to it. Be sure the verb tenses in each sentence agree. We all express ourselves differently, but a couple of sentences seem a bit complicated. Find ways to be more straight forward.
Now, you will certainly be asked why you want to leave Homeland after 11+ years. Also, this will lead to questions about your age. Being a 2nd Lt. is hard even on a younger man. Your physical condition will be more important than normally I expect. Lots of good advice from the others here. Good luck!
Now, you will certainly be asked why you want to leave Homeland after 11+ years. Also, this will lead to questions about your age. Being a 2nd Lt. is hard even on a younger man. Your physical condition will be more important than normally I expect. Lots of good advice from the others here. Good luck!
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You write a lot about what an officer "does" but, who are you writing this for? If it's for a board or another commissioned Officer then they already know that. Dont make the paper all about you, since you open up with a "bigger then yourself" then follow that theme. If it's really not that to you, then change the opener.
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