Posted on Jan 3, 2015
Scenario: You have a friend who's always lying about his/her deployment to look like a badass?
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Alright so heres the scenario: you have a friend who you've known for the past few years that you deployed with and you spend a lot of this time with this person since you both left the military. Everytime you both go somewhere, he/she brags to store employees, waitresses, anyone who will listen, about how they killed people, got blown up, etc when in reality, their deployment was QUITE the opposite and have no badges, medals as proof to show for it!? And then also blames PTSD for everything? Would you call your friend out and risk losing the friendship? Or would you let them continue to fabricate their story to let them feel like a badass and ignore it? I feel like this is offensive because you have soldiers who experienced things like this and now they have to live with things like PTSD for the rest of their lives. You have those who are truly affected by things like this, and then those that fake it and in this case, the friend who is faking it to feel like a badass overseas.
Deployment
PTSD
Fraud
Soldiers
What Would You Do
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 25
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A few thoughts:
- BLUF: I would correct the friend in private the first time. If it happens again I would correct the friend in public. If the friendship is lost then so be it.
- Generally those who brag about deployments such as the original question either never deployed or saw nothing on their deployment. Those who did see/do things as the above generally do not brag about it in my experience.
- Reason why the above is important is that the fakers take away from those who actually did the things and using PTSD falsely takes away from those who actually have it.
- Lying about deployments can only be fixed one incident at a time unless/until Congress passes some sort of Stolen Valor law. Due to 1st Amendment issues I do not see this happening anytime soon.
- BLUF: I would correct the friend in private the first time. If it happens again I would correct the friend in public. If the friendship is lost then so be it.
- Generally those who brag about deployments such as the original question either never deployed or saw nothing on their deployment. Those who did see/do things as the above generally do not brag about it in my experience.
- Reason why the above is important is that the fakers take away from those who actually did the things and using PTSD falsely takes away from those who actually have it.
- Lying about deployments can only be fixed one incident at a time unless/until Congress passes some sort of Stolen Valor law. Due to 1st Amendment issues I do not see this happening anytime soon.
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CPT (Join to see)
It really reflects negatively on all of us. You never know when the person listening knows that it's all lies and if you stand there silently, it makes you a party to it. In another thread, I wrote about how a guy tried to pick me up in a bar with his phony Gulf War tale. Don't go along with that crap. There are also several threads here about PTSD and how civilians seem to believe every vet is a whack job. Your "friend" is a whack job, do not let him/her put that crap on all of us. It will be tough to confront him/her, but we are rooting for you!
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SGM Mikel Dawson
Same thing. Talk in private, then public if needed. If it's not you, sooner or later someone is going to hear him/her and call'em out in public. With so many deployed to so many places, it will happen. If we don't police ourselves, then we all pay the price.
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SGM Gregory Tarancon IV
Colonel Smallfield and others on this post provided some great advice. I agree with the passive aggressive approach initially. As a friend and peer your candid concern that your friends embellishment of combat experiences goes against all moral and ethical values should be enough to correct this unacceptable behavior.
If not, then at least you’re done your part by bringing it the attention of the individual. The next step would be to seek guidance from your first line supervisor. The final step would to report this behavior to your chain of command. This behavior is repulsive, inexcusable, unconscionable and must not be tolerated.
We are all duty bound to protect the integrity and values of the Army we serve. Sometimes doing the right thing means dealing with unpleasant situations like this. But, remember you’re not the person that decided to compromise there principles. Your friend made the poor choice though (his/her) actions to demonstrate disregard and disrespect for Army Values.
If not, then at least you’re done your part by bringing it the attention of the individual. The next step would be to seek guidance from your first line supervisor. The final step would to report this behavior to your chain of command. This behavior is repulsive, inexcusable, unconscionable and must not be tolerated.
We are all duty bound to protect the integrity and values of the Army we serve. Sometimes doing the right thing means dealing with unpleasant situations like this. But, remember you’re not the person that decided to compromise there principles. Your friend made the poor choice though (his/her) actions to demonstrate disregard and disrespect for Army Values.
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SFC William "Bill" Moore
COL Smallfield is correct. And realize, it is probably known within your circle of friends that you were deployed with this individual. If you do nothing and someone else calls them out, busting them as a fraud, you will be automatically implicated in the act since you were there, "in the shit", with them.
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I love the stories that are so full of crap that you can't stand the smell. "No sh!@! There I was.....being awarded the Legion of Honor as a Colonel 1st Class for ripping off Saddam's mustache in 2010 and bin Ladin's mustache in 2014"...........ummmm, what??!!
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MSG (Join to see)
This is me in a nutshell when I hear these "war stories". Like kindergarten story time.
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SPC Stephanie Oanes Before you call your friend out, suggest you bring it up conversationally, not sarcastically or in an accusing manner "why do you do this everywhere we go?" The intent is to get him/her to open up. If the conversation does get going, ask the open end questions that drives the conversation. After (hopefully) you heard it all, then would be the appropriate time for you to let him/her know that it does bother you and that you don't recall the events happening the way (or at all) as they tell it.
Their embellishing and reasoning may be a sign that they do need some help in dealing with what what they really delt with during the deployments you both were on together. Different things affect different people in different ways. Some can handle a lot and some can't handle much at all.
I had a Branch Chief (DA Civilian) (LTC retired) who when he walked into a room and heard someone talking about a past experience, he immediately tried to take it over with a version of how he had done it, something just like it, only better either as an MP and/or Civil Affairs Officer and/or as the night shift Ops Officer at CFIC Hqs or when he was a civilian before entering the Army. I finally went online and purchased a "Bullshit" Button that we placed on the conference table sitting in the middle of our office (3 of us worked in the office). Whenever one or all of us had heard enough, one of us would get up, press the button and it would loudly say "Bullshit". He finally caught on and cut it back a good bit, though he never completely stopped.
In your case, if their deployment tales bother you to the point of it adversely affecting the friendship and cause you to consider to end it, then you should let them know. They will be the one to decide if their grandstanding and desire to "impress" everyone with their embellished tales is more important then the relationship. Hopefully that's not the case.
If I were in your shoes and it was a friend as you state, then I would defintely call them out on it regardless of how they took it. Good luck!
Their embellishing and reasoning may be a sign that they do need some help in dealing with what what they really delt with during the deployments you both were on together. Different things affect different people in different ways. Some can handle a lot and some can't handle much at all.
I had a Branch Chief (DA Civilian) (LTC retired) who when he walked into a room and heard someone talking about a past experience, he immediately tried to take it over with a version of how he had done it, something just like it, only better either as an MP and/or Civil Affairs Officer and/or as the night shift Ops Officer at CFIC Hqs or when he was a civilian before entering the Army. I finally went online and purchased a "Bullshit" Button that we placed on the conference table sitting in the middle of our office (3 of us worked in the office). Whenever one or all of us had heard enough, one of us would get up, press the button and it would loudly say "Bullshit". He finally caught on and cut it back a good bit, though he never completely stopped.
In your case, if their deployment tales bother you to the point of it adversely affecting the friendship and cause you to consider to end it, then you should let them know. They will be the one to decide if their grandstanding and desire to "impress" everyone with their embellished tales is more important then the relationship. Hopefully that's not the case.
If I were in your shoes and it was a friend as you state, then I would defintely call them out on it regardless of how they took it. Good luck!
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I dont think they would be much of a friend, if they lie to themselves 1st and foremost then how strong of a friendship will that be?? How much honesty can you even expect to enjoy with this person?? Are they lying to you about other issues as well???? I think you would be better off holding your morals and beliefs instead of polishing anothers pipe dreams of what could have been.By being present when they are gloating, you are supporting them and therefore just as bad by not saying anything.
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CPT (Join to see)
I can't help but to feel the same way. I think they are lying in other areas of their life.
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They suffer from a very low self-esteem and have never thought for one moment how it affects others and his own credibility.
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Capt (Join to see)
Other job in the military is not as glamorous than others but at the end of the day someone has to do this job to ensure that the whole military is running smoothly. Take a look at a different perspective, if everyone in the Air Force is a pilot, who will maintain it? Who will ensure that pilot are 100% capable and efficient? Now going back to the question, you have to talk and straighten the individual and tell them the importance of his/her job. Inform her how his/her job important to the overall mission of the military. Be patient and acknowledge that his/her insecurities are not worth the trouble of losing his/her credibility.
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PO1 (Join to see)
MOST jobs in the military are boring....but we all have those "moments" where we shown brightly. Problem is...when we are with our fellow unit members - especially onboard ship everyone knows everyone elses issues/faults/foibles so "heroic" events for one group of people (those on the outside looking in) aren't quite so heroic to those who know all the problems of the "hero".
I've met people that tell their story - and I just don't remember it quite the same, yet I was right next to them when it happened. Unless they are out and out lying about their exploits I usually let it go.
I've met people that tell their story - and I just don't remember it quite the same, yet I was right next to them when it happened. Unless they are out and out lying about their exploits I usually let it go.
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SPC Stephanie Oanes, you deployed together. You shared a common bond, an extended absence from loved ones? You two were together during the good and bad, right?
You need to sit down and talk to her. Have you done it?
It takes a strong person to view their friendship objectively.
And takes approximately 1.2 seconds to say "Shut the fuck up."
You need to sit down and talk to her. Have you done it?
It takes a strong person to view their friendship objectively.
And takes approximately 1.2 seconds to say "Shut the fuck up."
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SGT (Join to see)
SSG P, B, no problem. I'm used to it. Usually, I carry spare earplugs for those I love, just in case they happen to witness me run into a coffee-table, or stub my toe.
In this case, I can offer a free set of "scroll-over-my-damned-comment"s. I have extras.
In this case, I can offer a free set of "scroll-over-my-damned-comment"s. I have extras.
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I'll try and be more brief than my usual here.
A (former) Soldier who tries to pretend to be something they aren't is a fool. It is too easy to get caught as the legend grows - there are way too many veterans out there who can smell a fraud a mile away.
SPC Stephanie Oanes If you continue to associate yourself with a fool and remain silent, you too are a fool. Your reputation will suffer along with the perpetrator.
You need to correct this person gently, in private. If they persist, you should distance yourself. If you can't do that, than try to get to the bottom of it. This is a sign of self-esteem issues and may be part of a larger problem than meets the eye.
A (former) Soldier who tries to pretend to be something they aren't is a fool. It is too easy to get caught as the legend grows - there are way too many veterans out there who can smell a fraud a mile away.
SPC Stephanie Oanes If you continue to associate yourself with a fool and remain silent, you too are a fool. Your reputation will suffer along with the perpetrator.
You need to correct this person gently, in private. If they persist, you should distance yourself. If you can't do that, than try to get to the bottom of it. This is a sign of self-esteem issues and may be part of a larger problem than meets the eye.
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No shit, there I was single handedly wrangling a few camels for me and my team to make time from Baghdad to Korean Village before night fall... I had crypto that was a new NSA standard embedded in my molars, it was a Magenta Op. Haji was rolling deep through the terrain, and all we had for weapons were the shabby CRKT knives we found in a munitions factory we just punched into rubble with our bare knuckles. CENTCOM asked us to stop to merc Muqtada Al Sadr on the way, so we obliged quickly and continued on our way. I knew then that after this journey was complete, nothing would ever be the same again. [Hans Zimmer playing in the background]
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CPT (Join to see)
You were there too? I remember it like it was yesterday. There I was, knee deep in spent brass and had grenade pins......
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His fables are fiction, and if he is telling it to people that know no better then he is stealing admiration from those that lived those hardships, the Soldiers that deserve the praise.
Best for you to convince him that he ought to accept his service as it was and to be proud that he did serve his country....no reason to be Pinocchio!
Best for you to convince him that he ought to accept his service as it was and to be proud that he did serve his country....no reason to be Pinocchio!
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SPC Stephanie Oanes
But I don't know how to talk to her about this without breaking up the friendship. She's the type of person who has to be right about everything, if things don't go her way, well you know the saying "my way or the highway."
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CSM Michael J. Uhlig
the saying also goes something like "I cant drive 55".....time to put it in gear SPC Stephanie Oanes and confront her, you owe it to her.
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CPT (Join to see)
SPC Stephanie Oanes I would really question if you can't be open and honest with a friend how is that a friend. I think she is taking advantage of the friendship and might be using you to validate herself.
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