Posted on Feb 23, 2018
What advice do you have for being in a long distance relationship, especially being a member of the Armed Forces?
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Relationships within the military are difficult enough as it is. At any instant, we could find ourselves in a warzone, deployed overseas, or in a forgein country, and the stress of that alone is enough to drive away significant others. The amount of strength needed to love someone, albeit be with someone, who chooses to serve and risk everything, is to be commended, which is why I have a deep respect for loyal spouses. Looking for general advice, and advice for my own personal situation below, if you wish to help.
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I am in a long distance "relationship" with a graduate student in Great Britain, and she is honestly the most amazing woman I have ever met. She is American, and from Texas. Regardless of everyone else I've dated, she is absolutely and fundamentally different from any other girl I've been with, and it feels different. She's 24 and I'm 26. We've connected on fundamental beleifs and ideas that we both share, and put simply, we just have fun together. At least, we did for a while.
Its complicated. I put "relationship" in quotations because we're not "official" but it has definitely been a relationship for some time. For the majoirty of our relationship, it has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. She is over there with no oversight, free do to do what she wants. When we started talking, she told me explicitly that she was not looking for a boyfriend, but as time progressed, that is exactly what I became without the title or committment. The majority of our time has been spent on Skype, for hours on end, usually into the early mornings for the both of us because of the five hour time zone difference. When I say hours, I mean a lot, sometimes even 8-10 some days. We got close. When I was working a minimum wage job, I saved up for months to go visit her for the first time, when I had no real money to my name. We've met three times, and intorduced each other to each other's parents. Time and time again, I demonstrated my loyalty. I trusted her fully. We'd get into arguments from time to time, but nothing serious. She'd always promise we were working towards a relationship, always a promise for tomorrow, but never delivering on that promise.
She slept with someone over there, during a period of us not talking, and during a period when she was upset. Her choice entirely. Completely cut me out. It felt like a betrayal of my trust, because I had been faithful to her since the beginning. Was she within her right? Even though it screwed me over and I got my feelings hurt? If it were up to me, I'd have wanted to talk to her about it, but she gave me no shot at that.
We shared mutual friends, friends I have known all my life. She was an online video game friend to my real life friends here. I trust their judgement, so I went to them and sought counsel. Is that not a normal reaction to do when you're hurting, seek advice from trusted friends? I told her I told these people, these mutual friends, and they cut her out completely because they knew I genuinely liked her, and they could not beleive that she'd do that to me. She viewed it as a betrayal of trust with her "personal information" that she entrsuted to me in telling me that she did sleep with someone else, and that she lost two really good friends out of it. I know there is resentment there.
I've never been promiscuous. I save intimate relations like that for people that I love, not go around to random girls for hookups. I've been told I'm very mature for my age, a lot due to the position I hold as an officer and a leader. I set the example. I live by the Army Values, an honor code, where it seems like people now adays don't know what that is. Honor used to be a big deal - if you lost it, you were shamed, and basically a nobody. Am I old fashioned in this belief? Am I right, and she's wrong? I try so hard to see her side of things, that she was single and well within her right to do that if she pleased. But it hurt me to my core, and yet I still love the girl. Now, we're not talking, our communication has been very piecemeal, limited back and forth, and I torture myself with thoughts that she's sleeping around. And I try so hard to drop my anger and hurt, but it comes stemming back. Any advice here? Do I hold out and wait for her to be done in England in 8 months when she finishes her degree? I don't want to let her go. This situation has tortured me for quite some time.
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I am in a long distance "relationship" with a graduate student in Great Britain, and she is honestly the most amazing woman I have ever met. She is American, and from Texas. Regardless of everyone else I've dated, she is absolutely and fundamentally different from any other girl I've been with, and it feels different. She's 24 and I'm 26. We've connected on fundamental beleifs and ideas that we both share, and put simply, we just have fun together. At least, we did for a while.
Its complicated. I put "relationship" in quotations because we're not "official" but it has definitely been a relationship for some time. For the majoirty of our relationship, it has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. She is over there with no oversight, free do to do what she wants. When we started talking, she told me explicitly that she was not looking for a boyfriend, but as time progressed, that is exactly what I became without the title or committment. The majority of our time has been spent on Skype, for hours on end, usually into the early mornings for the both of us because of the five hour time zone difference. When I say hours, I mean a lot, sometimes even 8-10 some days. We got close. When I was working a minimum wage job, I saved up for months to go visit her for the first time, when I had no real money to my name. We've met three times, and intorduced each other to each other's parents. Time and time again, I demonstrated my loyalty. I trusted her fully. We'd get into arguments from time to time, but nothing serious. She'd always promise we were working towards a relationship, always a promise for tomorrow, but never delivering on that promise.
She slept with someone over there, during a period of us not talking, and during a period when she was upset. Her choice entirely. Completely cut me out. It felt like a betrayal of my trust, because I had been faithful to her since the beginning. Was she within her right? Even though it screwed me over and I got my feelings hurt? If it were up to me, I'd have wanted to talk to her about it, but she gave me no shot at that.
We shared mutual friends, friends I have known all my life. She was an online video game friend to my real life friends here. I trust their judgement, so I went to them and sought counsel. Is that not a normal reaction to do when you're hurting, seek advice from trusted friends? I told her I told these people, these mutual friends, and they cut her out completely because they knew I genuinely liked her, and they could not beleive that she'd do that to me. She viewed it as a betrayal of trust with her "personal information" that she entrsuted to me in telling me that she did sleep with someone else, and that she lost two really good friends out of it. I know there is resentment there.
I've never been promiscuous. I save intimate relations like that for people that I love, not go around to random girls for hookups. I've been told I'm very mature for my age, a lot due to the position I hold as an officer and a leader. I set the example. I live by the Army Values, an honor code, where it seems like people now adays don't know what that is. Honor used to be a big deal - if you lost it, you were shamed, and basically a nobody. Am I old fashioned in this belief? Am I right, and she's wrong? I try so hard to see her side of things, that she was single and well within her right to do that if she pleased. But it hurt me to my core, and yet I still love the girl. Now, we're not talking, our communication has been very piecemeal, limited back and forth, and I torture myself with thoughts that she's sleeping around. And I try so hard to drop my anger and hurt, but it comes stemming back. Any advice here? Do I hold out and wait for her to be done in England in 8 months when she finishes her degree? I don't want to let her go. This situation has tortured me for quite some time.
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Edited 8 y ago
Posted 8 y ago
Responses: 12
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I once believed that " love conquers all". It doesn't. I was told that "distance makes the heart grow fonder." It doesn't. I then married the girl who had sent me two Dear Johns during a long distance relationship. The "marriage" lasted about six months though we remained together for about six years. I am now happily married to my best friend of 43 years, the one I met after my adventuring days were ended. So here's the one adage I do believe in: There's more than one fish in the ocean. Now, enjoy your life of adventuring. Make friends along the way but don't make enemies of those who can't go adventuring with you. No, you won't be adventuring forever. That's a young person's prerogative...
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I commend you for being so honest. It's obvious you live your Army values. You probably felt after all that time talking, you knew her extremely well, and you probably talked more than people who see each other on the weekend for months at a time. Let me ask you: Had she promised you she would not see anyone else while you two were connected? Did she confess, and if she did, did she apologize and say it would never happen again? Or did she just get mad and say she had every right? That will tell you a lot right there, because unless she feels the same way about honor and values that you do, you would be tortured every time you deployed if you were married. Perhaps she's just not as mature and doesn't know who she is yet, and that's what she is trying to figure out. She's still pretty young, and you said you are mature for your age. I know betrayal hurts you to your core. I've been there. You think you will just die because it hurts so much, yet it's something you have absolutely no control over, only yourself. Please try realizing that what she's doing or not doing and driving yourself crazy? Your own thoughts. You really have no idea. But whatever it is, you can handle it, because you are handling it now. I would talk to her, tell her how you feel, and tell her the ball is in her court. That you still love her, but because you love her, you know she's her own person, and you can't decide for her. That you are there when she's ready to talk it out, but you won't chase her--but that she'll never do better than you (and you should believe that). Then stop rowing the boat by yourself and see if she picks up the oars and rows with you. Try not to get into any quick relationships right now because you are hurting. That's just advice from someone who's "got the T-shirt." Let me know if I can help.
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CPT (Join to see)
Susan Foster, thank you so much for taking the time to answer honestly. I appreciate your thoughtful, and indeed deep, sentiments. Now to answer your questions. When I most recently visited her over the holidays down in Texas, where I met her folks (who loved me), we had a long talk over dinner out together. It was nice. As the conversation deepened into that timeframe, she opened up about sleeping with this other guy. I was so distraught, so incredibly hurt and betrayed by this, that at the moment I took it internally. She also told me that she wasn't sorry for doing it, that she was well within her right to do so, because she had been upset, hurting as well, and that she claimed alcohol was involved. No matter how upset I was at someone, I'd never do that. I raked her over the fires for it the next day after I had internalized it some. Later on, she confided that she told me because she wanted to clear the air, start new in the new year, and only be intimate with me moving forward. I do not know if this is the truth or not, because now I cannot trust her. Trust is the foundation of everything. She does not trust me either, because I took that "personal information" and shared it with friends, because I trusted my friends not to turn me wrong, even though it paints her in a negative light. I wanted to talk to her specifically about these own issues, but she completely blocked me, and shut me out. A dilemma, to say the least.
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Susan Foster
CPT (Join to see) - Yes it is a dilemma, but you are so right. Trust is absolutely the foundation of a relationship. Unfortunately once it's broken, it is much harder to gain back that trust than it was to lose it. It can take a long time, sometimes years. I don't quite see that you sharing this news with friends when you were hurting is at all equal to what she did. Sounds like she's justifying it to herself, at least in her own mind. There was absolutely no reason to ever tell you if she wasn't sorry--I can't see it gained either of you anything. "Confiding later" sounds like she had time to think of something to say that made her actions look better. If you both had an understanding that you would not cheat until you figured out how the relationship would progress, then it was still a betrayal. If you really want to try again, and can send her some communication (even snail mail if she's blocked you) and tell her how you feel, etc., you could give her a timeframe to answer back--tell her after __ amount of time, you will assume she no longer wants to talk to work it out. Then you will know when to let it go. I know you don't want to be left hanging. She really doesn't have that much longer there. Six months is not so long. But she needs to do a little apologizing here--she said she wasn't sorry. No matter how much you love her, you will never have a peaceful day with her if you don't trust her. And certainly not a good marriage.
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The first rule of long distance relationship is don't do it.
The second rule is that if you must do it, it should always be with the view toward being back together as soon as possible.
Notice I said "back together". You can't start a relationship with someone you're not physically near. A long distance relationship is like holding your breath. You can't grow, you can't get to know your partner. It's a painful emotional Rollercoaster. Logistics is one of the key pieces to successful relationships. Another is timing. If you can't be physically with that person, at this time in your life, your relationship can't grow.
Deployments are different, they follow the second rule. You go away with the understanding that your relationship isn't going to grow but that you can maintain it with lots of effort.
The second rule is that if you must do it, it should always be with the view toward being back together as soon as possible.
Notice I said "back together". You can't start a relationship with someone you're not physically near. A long distance relationship is like holding your breath. You can't grow, you can't get to know your partner. It's a painful emotional Rollercoaster. Logistics is one of the key pieces to successful relationships. Another is timing. If you can't be physically with that person, at this time in your life, your relationship can't grow.
Deployments are different, they follow the second rule. You go away with the understanding that your relationship isn't going to grow but that you can maintain it with lots of effort.
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I have been in a relationship with a woman in the UK for just under 4 years now. We use the app Line to communicate (text and video). We try to see each other in person as much as possible. I recently just came back from visiting her. The thing about long distance relationships is that they involve nothing but trust, and it is hard to keep that trust over such a long distance. There will be times that you both disagree on views, but that is normal in most relationships. We have known each other through chat apps for almost 6 years, but we decided to confirm that we are together in a relationship almost 4 years ago. She has reminded me that it will be 4 years in June. Since your relationship has not been mutually confirmed, I do not believe she is in the wrong. This could be something she is also just trying to figure out herself. I agree with CW5 Jack Cardwell that there really is no good solution and that all people are different. I would suggest giving it some time. continue to prove your interest in her, but do not come off as obsessive. That will only push her away. But that is only a suggestion. Do what you feel is right.
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CPT (Join to see)
LCpl Shane Couch, thank you for responding. I'm happy that you have found someone in the UK. I think you are right on a lot. Having thought about it more than I probably should have, I do agree that trust is the most important aspect for anything long distance. How do you gain said trust back when niether party has it for the other? I want nothing more than to trust her again. I agree that she is probably just trying to figure stuff out on her end, and as I stated above, I'm mostly figured out versus her still a student. I think she's just trying to find her way, albeit wrongly. So, I will give her time. I already told her I would. I'm not going to put all my eggs in this basket, however, and guard a little bit.
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LCpl Shane Couch
CPT (Join to see) - the only thing you can do to "regain" her trust is just let nature take its course. There is nothing that you can do to force someone to trust you unless you happen to be some sort of wizard. Lol. I do wish you luck in your relationship and hopefully everything works out in the end for you.
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I am Jack's wife. He had a "first" marriage of which the before sounds exactly like what your going through. It's unfortunate what he went through, but in the end, it brought him to me. Even though she wrote him "Dear Johns" while he was in OCS and then when he was in Vietnam. Unfortunately Jack eventually married her. He did get two children, but the son won't talk to him because of her lies. She cheated on him while they were married. Please consider yourself lucky to escape a person who does not want to commit, or who can't commit.
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Jack here: I knew my wife would want to respond. She said what I didn't want to say. That I was an LT who once found himself in the same position. You can look at me as the harbinger of your future should you choose that path. I can't complain. Despite its twisted turns and potholes I came to a happy ending One last comment: When I returned from Vietnam, my then girlfriend came to see me (to make sure I was okay) and we agreed to correspond while I was stationed in Hawaii (the guy she dumped me for had already dumped her). We did until she announced that she found someone else and I responded that it was time to sever the tie. She wrote back immediately that , NO, we should continue. When I went home on leave, she was there at the airport to meet me (again, she had been dumped). I, like you, am the one who was always there. Don't be that guy unless you want a world of pain, pain that I've already lived
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Jack here: I knew my wife would want to respond. She said what I didn't want to say. That I was an LT who once found himself in the same position. You can look at me as the harbinger of your future should you choose that path. I can't complain. Despite its twisted turns and potholes I came to a happy ending One last comment: When I returned from Vietnam, my then girlfriend came to see me (to make sure I was okay) and we agreed to correspond while I was stationed in Hawaii (the guy she dumped me for had already dumped her). We did until she announced that she found someone else and I responded that it was time to sever the tie. She wrote back immediately that , NO, we should continue. When I went home on leave, she was there at the airport to meet me (again, she had been dumped). I, like you, am the one who was always there. Don't be that guy unless you want a world of pain, pain that I've already lived
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Allan-I found the prospect so daunting, I intentionally avoided any serious romantic relationships for the first several years of my career. I made a clean "break" with home when I left, and didn't find myself having to confront that issue until very nearly the end of my career. When I did, that experience left me convinced that it takes a very special person to love a Soldier, Sailor, Airman or Marine...and an equally special service member to honor and appreciate the sacrifices that special person makes in order to love us.
My advice is to consider that the love that truly lasts doesn't come instantly or over limited interaction...it builds over years, and is tested and proven by enduring "life" together. I love my wife more today than I could have possibly loved her when we married, and that doesn't imply there haven't been rough roads and hard turns around each bend.
You can't "own" a person's affection...you can only earn it. If the young lady is willing to open herself to other possibilities, then I would take that as a good sign that from her perspective at least, there exists no commitment at this time.
You have a great career and more importantly...life ahead of you. Focus on making yourself the man and officer you want to be first, and one day, likely when you least expect it, want it or need it...the woman who has been looking for "you" will find you. I promise that when that happens, neither of you will be able to stop the forces that will bring you together, and will serve as the best chance to get you through the years to follow.
One last thought; it has been my experience that the best women value self-assurance above all other qualities. They probably want to be valued more than desired, listened to more than pursued...and you may find that this is what you ultimately want from them as well.
Best wishes, and good fortunes.
My advice is to consider that the love that truly lasts doesn't come instantly or over limited interaction...it builds over years, and is tested and proven by enduring "life" together. I love my wife more today than I could have possibly loved her when we married, and that doesn't imply there haven't been rough roads and hard turns around each bend.
You can't "own" a person's affection...you can only earn it. If the young lady is willing to open herself to other possibilities, then I would take that as a good sign that from her perspective at least, there exists no commitment at this time.
You have a great career and more importantly...life ahead of you. Focus on making yourself the man and officer you want to be first, and one day, likely when you least expect it, want it or need it...the woman who has been looking for "you" will find you. I promise that when that happens, neither of you will be able to stop the forces that will bring you together, and will serve as the best chance to get you through the years to follow.
One last thought; it has been my experience that the best women value self-assurance above all other qualities. They probably want to be valued more than desired, listened to more than pursued...and you may find that this is what you ultimately want from them as well.
Best wishes, and good fortunes.
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SGT Kevin Hughes
I am just totally blown away by the wisdom, and personal experience shared on this thread. My first girl stayed faithful and then moved on. Seven years later I met my Kathy...and that has lasted forty years. And I am grateful for knowing both those women. For both were kind to me. And one still is.
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