What's your best "military-related joke" or "amusing military story?"

One final story - a friend of mine was a COL, and he related a story about when he was a young LT on his way to an intelligence post in a small German town during the Cold War. He was excited about being on the front lines of the cold war, but when he arrived the LT he was replacing told him to develop a hobby he liked. My friend, confused, asked why. He was told that when the other gent first came to the town in civilian clothes and an ardent desire to be the best intel officer ever, he got lost and asked a little old German lady where the street was. She answered "Oh, the American spy house? You can't miss it - next block down, 3rd house on the left!". He took up tennis after that.

I do not know if this is what you would consider a JOKE as it really happened.

Being at Fort Ord, DMMC in 1978 and I had 4 E4s that worked for me. We would get receipts for all property coming into or out of a unit. We had a new copy machine that had thermal paper which BURNED the image into the paper. I had sent a new just promoted to E4 to take the weekly receipts and BURN copies for the file.

So he took the weeks receipts (over 100) and took a BUTT can out into the street and started to BURN the receipts with his lighter.
I could not get very made or upset even though my boiling point was pass by 300 degrees. He was Just doing what I told him to burn COPIES. I NEVER USED THAT PHRASE AGAIN.

My favorite officer story was from jump school. We had an O-3 student CO who reported us in each morning for training. Unfortunately, he as also a stick leader and there was no possible way he could make it back to his stick in time to be inspected first so it was "Get on down, sir." every morning. He took it like the trooper he was.

This joke was told to me by an Army Chaplain whose father served in the Navy. It was told to me the week before the Army Navy Game a few years ago. I have retold it several times and even Sailors seem to like it:

Did you know that Jesus was for the Army and not the Navy? I know this because, when Jesus was offered the opportunity to ride in a Navy vessel in Galilee, he rejected the idea completely. He stepped out of the boat and chose to walk instead.

Back in my day FTA was a universal acronym describing a sexual activity with "The Army". One day we were climbing into the back of some deuce and a halfs and one of our young men scrawled FTA on our truck in chalk. An eagle eyed 2LT watched him doing this and yelled triumphantly "I got you-you're going on report!" The E-4 answered back "Why is that, sir?". The 2LT smugly answered that he knew what it meant, and the E-4 replied "Why are you putting me on report for Follow the Airborne?" We enjoyed a good laugh, but somehow the 2LT did not share our perspective, and disappeared to where ever 2LT's go when things like that happen.

The heat wafer on you MRE reads "Do Not Eat" because a Marine did.

I was visiting a friend who was a Chaplin (Full Bird Col) at Lackland AFB we were talking and heard the loudest yelling you could imagine. As we went to investigate there was a 2LT, fresh out of OTS, chewing an Airman still in BMTS a new one for not saluting. He ordered the Airman to salute him 100 times so he would never forget an officer again. As we watched this the Chaplin ask me if I wanted to have a little fun, of course I said yes. As the Airman was nearing 100, I followed the Col toward the 2LT and Airman, as we approached the Airman had just finished and noticed the Col and was starting to salute the Col and the 2LT was about to jump him when the Col spoke to the 2LT after the 2LT turned and saluted the Col, he reminded the LT that in the Customs and Courtesies that when receiving a salute unless your hands are full you must return it. The people riding by were staring hard at the LT saluting the Airman. Was a fun day.

I remember when Cable TV was just getting started (the part I remember) and congregating in the day room. This was in the Field Maintenance Dorm where we had the customary pool tables, ping pong tables and of course, a TV.

We had a guy who spent a lot of time in the day room and people would routinely ask what is on TV at a given time. He could tell you too and what channel and when?

So we called him, TV Guide.

I will remind you on the Horse Meat incident at another time.
One other thing though is that I had a shock, as it were, of red hair. So some people called me "flame" because I was a ginger. lol (we didn't have Youtube then).

I also head some things that I cannot repeat. Others like Opie Taylor and that guy from Mad Magazine!!! (Though he is better looking and more successful, he has his own gig),

This joke I found in the VFW magazine May 2014 issue. Now those that have first hand knowledge of this will laugh.

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, a Marine husband called home to tell his wife he would be late-again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and that they had to discipline the whole squad.

She launched into a tirade, arguing that many had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

The husband calmly listened to her gripes and then explained, "Dirty Magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

And here is another one.

Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer.

The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.

Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yell, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."

The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"

"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

Now split a gut....

Back when Moses was a road guard, we used to have the newbs running all over the place trying to find grid squares and chem-lite batteries. Hilarious, good clean hazing.