While on the firing line at the range, what is the most off the wall excuse a Private has made up because they can't shoot?

At basic training at FT Bragg the first time we went to the zero range, we had M-14's at the time , the soldier next to me could not hit anything. When the Drill Sgt. asked him to explain his problem he stated..." I ain't never shot at anything but deer. The paper target you got here don't act like a deer".

Not an excuse but at infantry osut in 2004 we had a Mexican kid who didn't speak much English. Trying to zero he wasn't even on paper. The DS's were baffled that even after switching rifles same issue. About 300 rounds into the DS realized he was shooting with his eyes closed.

i once saw a rifle with a bent barrel at the range

"I could have shot better if my M-1 didn't make my lip sore." Think he hadn't paid attention?

Every shot throws off my zero.

I had one private say she couldn't concentrate on shooting because her stomach was cramping too bad.

I got into trouble on the M 60 rang. I was at Fort Knox doing scout training osut training had the same drill Sargents the whole time. I was having issues with one Ds the whole time since day one even the guys pointed it out. We'll they where on the range and we where doing a quick run threw they would wave there hands a team would come up watch hand signals and then fire the Ds was on my lane not wanting to give him any reason to come near me I watched his hands he signaled as I was loading the weapon I felt a hand start to grab me I yanked away rapidly and stood toe to toe with him. When I relized it was him I was like oh shit I'm in trouble now he sent me to the captins tent to report an issue that I could not fallow comands correctly. The cpt was not there he went to lunch the Ds started to smoke me then anouther Ds relived him this went on in tell the cpt got back the Ds lend in real close and said now your going to go tell the cpt you can't cut it and you are not made for the military I want you out of my platoon and we want you gone. I said I understood I walked up to cpt green and said sir Ds and there 2 names feel I am not cut out to be here and would like me to tell you I think I should go home. The look on there faces was priceless. The cpt looked at me and said well what do you think. I said I made a promise to my grandpa and my self that I would graduate and that's what I plan to do ( grandpa was 20 yrs navy ) cpt looked at the Ds the one that yanked me off the range he asked what is the problem the Ds said he fears for his life and thought I was going to shoot him. The cpt asked me if this was my intent I said no I don't wish to kill anyone who isn't my sworn enemy the cpt nodded his head and called all the Ds over and asked if any of them trusted me most of them said they did he picked a Ds to go to the firing line with me and said this is an odd request he had me point my weapon down the line at the Ds and said now what we are going to do is when I say load Freeman will load the m60 as fast as he can once he is ready to fire he will pivot down range and shoot in that amount or time Ds ravara I want you to run towards Freeman and stop him before he fires a round. Do you feel comfortable with this he said he did. I set up in the prone cpt said go I loaded pivoted and fired 3 rounds before he got to me the cpt said stop. Looked at the drill Sargent and said I'm sure if Freeman wanted you dead you would be. I was transferred to 2nd platoon the next day. I never broke I saw guys cry and feel like they couldn't go on but I laughed that was how I delt with stuff was to think of something and smile. Found out sometime latter that there where a few Freeman s that had gone threw the first went awol and the next cycle a Freeman went awol even earlier then the last so he made it his goal to see me leave even earlier then the last 2.

There's a deer in my way

I was a good shot , one of 7 to qualify expert at Benning out of 250 . I didn't care . Just wanted to survive OSUT . Had my first person shoot at me when I was 12 . Shot my first human when I was 12 . Shot my first animal at 10 , a chipmunk at 50 yards with a bolt action 22 . Took him in the throat , right where the round was supposed to be . Never equate marksmanship with rank or experience . I once graded on a range for EIB , and only 6 qualified expert . Cololnel complained , and the next day they came back , and this time we had 72 experts . Brag all you want about how fucked up enlisted are , but , I can shoot a rats ass at 500 meters with iron sites . Can you ?

I spent my 22 years as a Medic. I served both Active Duty for 8 1/2 years and then continued in the PA Army National Guard. I have served in combat arms units, combat support (Engineers) and a state side hospital. As a medic I was on ranges many times and at the state side hospital as one of the few that liked spending time at the range I got to go often to train soldiers and officers to shoot well so they could qualify.
I routinely heard strange reasons why soldiers couldn't shoot. One of my funniest was I haven't had to wear BDUs or Boots or touch a weapon in 10 years since basic and AIT.
I agree with the Drill Sgt pulling a fast one on the trainee about the different bullets. You do what has to be done to accomplish the mission. I routinely put dummy rounds into the magazine of soldiers I was training. Then when the weapon jerked and no round was fired they realized they were jerking the weapon and it wasn't recoil. The M16 has almost no recoil and people were still afraid of it. An M9 is also a light recoil. After they realized they were causing most of the weapon movement they calmed down and learned to shoot.
Since training them to shoot was the goal and I and that Drill Sgt accomplished the mission it doesn't matter how we did it. No one was harmed, no one was made to feel stupid in front of their peers. I am sure the young private looks back on the incident now and laughs just like I do about many of my "Teaching Moments" at the hands of my Drill Sgt.

"I'm just not feeling it today."

As A 91f (Small Arms Repair) I have heard every excuse under the sun for the weapon is malfunctioning, front sight leaning, rear sight to high, mostly all 10 level excuses.

"The safety walked into our line of fire".

I wish I was making this up. And this was all permanent party folks. We were conducting a pop-up target range. The entire far right end of the firing line stopped shooting, about halfway through. We called a cease fire, so we could go see what was happening. We called ready on the left. We saw the white paddle. Ready in the center? White paddle. Ready on the right? No paddle. Ready on the right? Still no paddle. We had everyone clear and place their weapons down and step back from the firing line. When we got down there, we started asking what had happened. They all said the same thing. They stopped because the safety had walked off the range to their right and slightly forward of the firing line.
We pulled everyone off the range and went to find the safety. We found him sitting on a tree stump about 250 yards into the tree line, eating an MRE.

The targets keep going down too fast; i can't get a "bead" on em.

A sweat bee kept blocking my sight picture.

My experience takes me back to 1989 at Ft Dix New Jersey. When it was a basic training camp before becoming a reserve center. I was in training when they started up with the "time out cards". Out on the range this pvt was being hit with ground drills because of his lack for paying attention. We where all asked who hit expert and several of us did. They chose someone to take his place to qualify him. Little did they realize that he had 5 live rounds hidden in his cargo pocket. He walked up to a DS and pulled one out and asked the DS if it was a good color on his lips as he acted like it was lip stick.... Well to make a long story short the DS tackled him and emptied his pockets to find the rest along with the famous time out card. Here he had been seeing the psych doctor and it wasn't reported. He got an immediate section 8. They took him to the airport to send him home. Once he got out of the vehicle he acted like he was riding a motorcycle and the DS who took him there said he was no longer in the military and free to go home. He climbed off his imaginary motorcycle handed the DS the key and as he walked away flipped off the DS and stated " well i got my 100% the military can go pound salt.... He faked it all along and now they are still trying to figure out how to revoke the benefits he recieves.

Mine was actually from an E7. I had just got out of the 11th ACR and joined a reserve unit. A career reserve NCO went to qualify on the M60 before me and couldn't hit any of the stacked tires at 300 yards. He got up cussing and swearing, screaming that the gun was messed up. I laid down next with my "loader", a good kid but another career reservist and he didn't know how to load the machine gun. I loaded it and told him to feed me, then looked at the rear sight. It was set for max range (this is 1991, before desert storm so I don't remember the range it was set at). I reset and proceed to drill the targets.....

That SOB gave me extra duty the next two days.....

I left that unit the next month.

As a Drill Instructor everyone can shoot, it's to get them to qual. Drill Instructor from 71-72, MCRD, 3RTBn, PISC

I swear I hit the targets, they just didn't go down!

I actually heard a private tell me that he was not taught to exhale fully before squeezing his trigger. I spent an hour and over 30 rounds getting him zeroed before he said that to me. I proceeded to take the paddle and smack him on the helmet with it, then range walked over to the range NCO cussing and mumbling. I told the range NCO what I just was told and he laughed for a good 2 minutes.