While on the firing line at the range, what is the most off the wall excuse a Private has made up because they can't shoot?

At basic training at FT Bragg the first time we went to the zero range, we had M-14's at the time , the soldier next to me could not hit anything. When the Drill Sgt. asked him to explain his problem he stated..." I ain't never shot at anything but deer. The paper target you got here don't act like a deer".

Not an excuse but at infantry osut in 2004 we had a Mexican kid who didn't speak much English. Trying to zero he wasn't even on paper. The DS's were baffled that even after switching rifles same issue. About 300 rounds into the DS realized he was shooting with his eyes closed.

i once saw a rifle with a bent barrel at the range

"I could have shot better if my M-1 didn't make my lip sore." Think he hadn't paid attention?

Every shot throws off my zero.

I had one private say she couldn't concentrate on shooting because her stomach was cramping too bad.

I got into trouble on the M 60 rang. I was at Fort Knox doing scout training osut training had the same drill Sargents the whole time. I was having issues with one Ds the whole time since day one even the guys pointed it out. We'll they where on the range and we where doing a quick run threw they would wave there hands a team would come up watch hand signals and then fire the Ds was on my lane not wanting to give him any reason to come near me I watched his hands he signaled as I was loading the weapon I felt a hand start to grab me I yanked away rapidly and stood toe to toe with him. When I relized it was him I was like oh shit I'm in trouble now he sent me to the captins tent to report an issue that I could not fallow comands correctly. The cpt was not there he went to lunch the Ds started to smoke me then anouther Ds relived him this went on in tell the cpt got back the Ds lend in real close and said now your going to go tell the cpt you can't cut it and you are not made for the military I want you out of my platoon and we want you gone. I said I understood I walked up to cpt green and said sir Ds and there 2 names feel I am not cut out to be here and would like me to tell you I think I should go home. The look on there faces was priceless. The cpt looked at me and said well what do you think. I said I made a promise to my grandpa and my self that I would graduate and that's what I plan to do ( grandpa was 20 yrs navy ) cpt looked at the Ds the one that yanked me off the range he asked what is the problem the Ds said he fears for his life and thought I was going to shoot him. The cpt asked me if this was my intent I said no I don't wish to kill anyone who isn't my sworn enemy the cpt nodded his head and called all the Ds over and asked if any of them trusted me most of them said they did he picked a Ds to go to the firing line with me and said this is an odd request he had me point my weapon down the line at the Ds and said now what we are going to do is when I say load Freeman will load the m60 as fast as he can once he is ready to fire he will pivot down range and shoot in that amount or time Ds ravara I want you to run towards Freeman and stop him before he fires a round. Do you feel comfortable with this he said he did. I set up in the prone cpt said go I loaded pivoted and fired 3 rounds before he got to me the cpt said stop. Looked at the drill Sargent and said I'm sure if Freeman wanted you dead you would be. I was transferred to 2nd platoon the next day. I never broke I saw guys cry and feel like they couldn't go on but I laughed that was how I delt with stuff was to think of something and smile. Found out sometime latter that there where a few Freeman s that had gone threw the first went awol and the next cycle a Freeman went awol even earlier then the last so he made it his goal to see me leave even earlier then the last 2.

There's a deer in my way

I was a good shot , one of 7 to qualify expert at Benning out of 250 . I didn't care . Just wanted to survive OSUT . Had my first person shoot at me when I was 12 . Shot my first human when I was 12 . Shot my first animal at 10 , a chipmunk at 50 yards with a bolt action 22 . Took him in the throat , right where the round was supposed to be . Never equate marksmanship with rank or experience . I once graded on a range for EIB , and only 6 qualified expert . Cololnel complained , and the next day they came back , and this time we had 72 experts . Brag all you want about how fucked up enlisted are , but , I can shoot a rats ass at 500 meters with iron sites . Can you ?

I spent my 22 years as a Medic. I served both Active Duty for 8 1/2 years and then continued in the PA Army National Guard. I have served in combat arms units, combat support (Engineers) and a state side hospital. As a medic I was on ranges many times and at the state side hospital as one of the few that liked spending time at the range I got to go often to train soldiers and officers to shoot well so they could qualify.
I routinely heard strange reasons why soldiers couldn't shoot. One of my funniest was I haven't had to wear BDUs or Boots or touch a weapon in 10 years since basic and AIT.
I agree with the Drill Sgt pulling a fast one on the trainee about the different bullets. You do what has to be done to accomplish the mission. I routinely put dummy rounds into the magazine of soldiers I was training. Then when the weapon jerked and no round was fired they realized they were jerking the weapon and it wasn't recoil. The M16 has almost no recoil and people were still afraid of it. An M9 is also a light recoil. After they realized they were causing most of the weapon movement they calmed down and learned to shoot.
Since training them to shoot was the goal and I and that Drill Sgt accomplished the mission it doesn't matter how we did it. No one was harmed, no one was made to feel stupid in front of their peers. I am sure the young private looks back on the incident now and laughs just like I do about many of my "Teaching Moments" at the hands of my Drill Sgt.