Posted on Aug 12, 2016
An Oversized Gluteus Maximus Will Now Prevent Military Service
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Amid rising concern about obesity and various medical conditions preventing military service, the Pentagon has just published a new policy against those with oversized gluteus maximus muscles. This will be the first time in over 20 years that the military is rewriting body composition standards to this advanced degree. Simply put, new methods will be administered in order to determine whether or not troops are carrying too much weight behind and underneath them to serve effectively in the U.S. military. Among civilians, this is further shrinking the pool of qualified prospective recruits. And among the active-duty force, a rising number of big-bottomed troops poses risks to readiness and health care costs.
“You can look around and see all the soldiers that are bulging out of their ABU pants,” said Dr. Leonard Jefferson, a professor of fitness and human ecology at Yale University who has studied military nutrition and body composition. “They must do something about it.”
Seaman Matthew Jolistein of the United States Coast Guard praised the new policy saying, “Spinal conditions should be taken very seriously by our military. Extremely physical demands are asked of all of us, and back issues caused by guys with huge asses shouldn’t be detrimental to the readiness of the force. People need to have normal bodies to protect our country.”
The pending changes may be far reaching, possibly trickling into law enforcement as well. This will be the first time this pressing matter will be addressed primarily by certified military health professionals — many of them trained physicians and scientists.
“We are taking a slightly different perspective on this, focusing on the health of our military members and what may impact that. What determinants can we identify quickly and easily that would relate to predispositions for injury or illness?” one defense official said.
This official, who requested anonymity because the internal proceedings are still confidential and some final decisions are yet to be made, also hinted at a few other new tests which could further limit military service. Among those mentioned, a common sense test, an ingrown hair test, and a flammability test seem to be the frontrunners for new military-service qualifications.
*This piece is purely satire. Don’t believe a thing.
“You can look around and see all the soldiers that are bulging out of their ABU pants,” said Dr. Leonard Jefferson, a professor of fitness and human ecology at Yale University who has studied military nutrition and body composition. “They must do something about it.”
Seaman Matthew Jolistein of the United States Coast Guard praised the new policy saying, “Spinal conditions should be taken very seriously by our military. Extremely physical demands are asked of all of us, and back issues caused by guys with huge asses shouldn’t be detrimental to the readiness of the force. People need to have normal bodies to protect our country.”
The pending changes may be far reaching, possibly trickling into law enforcement as well. This will be the first time this pressing matter will be addressed primarily by certified military health professionals — many of them trained physicians and scientists.
“We are taking a slightly different perspective on this, focusing on the health of our military members and what may impact that. What determinants can we identify quickly and easily that would relate to predispositions for injury or illness?” one defense official said.
This official, who requested anonymity because the internal proceedings are still confidential and some final decisions are yet to be made, also hinted at a few other new tests which could further limit military service. Among those mentioned, a common sense test, an ingrown hair test, and a flammability test seem to be the frontrunners for new military-service qualifications.
*This piece is purely satire. Don’t believe a thing.
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Posted 8 y ago
Responses: 43
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This shit, this shit right here is some of the craziness that has encouraged me to retire. Hey stick man, yeah you, all 150 pounds soaking wet. Hump that .50 for the next ten miles. Or, I don't know, here's one more nugget, how about when we encounter the enemy, let's not have a size advantage. Oh, yeah, and to protect our backs, let's not have skeletal muscle when we head out on patrol with full packs.
Yeah, and I forgot, let's not fill our ranks because we wanted to shrink the available pool of qualified candidates. I mean, we don't have problems meeting recruiting missions without huge bonuses because there are so many people beating down the recruiter's door who meet the standards.
This is an utterly stupid direction to move. You know, I get that it is satire, and 600-9 is important. Maybe I am taking it personally because I am a larger guy. I max my pushups. I max my situps. I pass the aerobic event with about 20% of the time to spare (on perm profile because I have had several surgeries to ankle, knee, wrists, and shoulder). In spite of constant pain, I still pass my PT test with flying colors. I hover between 1% under and 1% over bodyfat limit. In spite of being flagged for about 1/3 of my career I still managed to make E7, because I am really freaking good at what I do, maxed out civilian education, completed all of the Army correspondence tests, Outstanding NCOERs, commandant's list at WLC and ALC and I board well. I have successfully handled extremely difficult assignments, earning impact awards. I qualified with grenade, .50, SAW, M4, and M9, scoring expert in grenade, M4, and M9. My value as a soldier, and as a leader, is not defined by my bodyfat percentage. My value as a soldier and as a leader is summed up in the four things that has shown up in every, I say again, every NCOER in all 13 years worth of NCOERs. 1. I place the mission first, 2. I gave a damn about my soldiers and communicated that to them, 3. I had no lost time injuries - safety first, and 4. I maintained 100% accountability of my personal and section hand receipt equipment. I finally decided to retire because I do not like the direction I see the Army moving as an organization. But, make no mistake, I am proud to have served, I am proud of what I have been able to do, and I have great love for soldiers entrusted to me.
Yeah, and I forgot, let's not fill our ranks because we wanted to shrink the available pool of qualified candidates. I mean, we don't have problems meeting recruiting missions without huge bonuses because there are so many people beating down the recruiter's door who meet the standards.
This is an utterly stupid direction to move. You know, I get that it is satire, and 600-9 is important. Maybe I am taking it personally because I am a larger guy. I max my pushups. I max my situps. I pass the aerobic event with about 20% of the time to spare (on perm profile because I have had several surgeries to ankle, knee, wrists, and shoulder). In spite of constant pain, I still pass my PT test with flying colors. I hover between 1% under and 1% over bodyfat limit. In spite of being flagged for about 1/3 of my career I still managed to make E7, because I am really freaking good at what I do, maxed out civilian education, completed all of the Army correspondence tests, Outstanding NCOERs, commandant's list at WLC and ALC and I board well. I have successfully handled extremely difficult assignments, earning impact awards. I qualified with grenade, .50, SAW, M4, and M9, scoring expert in grenade, M4, and M9. My value as a soldier, and as a leader, is not defined by my bodyfat percentage. My value as a soldier and as a leader is summed up in the four things that has shown up in every, I say again, every NCOER in all 13 years worth of NCOERs. 1. I place the mission first, 2. I gave a damn about my soldiers and communicated that to them, 3. I had no lost time injuries - safety first, and 4. I maintained 100% accountability of my personal and section hand receipt equipment. I finally decided to retire because I do not like the direction I see the Army moving as an organization. But, make no mistake, I am proud to have served, I am proud of what I have been able to do, and I have great love for soldiers entrusted to me.
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OK, I'll give ya on that one, ya actually had me going there for a cpl of mins, you know? Clever....
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I hated getting measured for PRT. No matter what I did I was always right at the max. Hated it.
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Well, we did have a regulation that prohibited extra cushioning on ejection seats, so.......
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