Posted on Dec 1, 2014
How Do You Balance Parenting With The Responsibilities Of Being a Service Member?: Part 1
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If I could go back and do it again for my two eldest, what would I have done differently and how am I doing things differently for the younger two? There are several things…
Being an Army parent (and I suspect any other Service parent) means answering to a difficult master. Generally, so much is demanded of the parent in Service that the other parent (or another relative) becomes the “primary” caregiver. My own father was a single Service parent of three after my mother passed away from cancer. Experiencing my father’s struggle through the uncharted waters of parenting as a Service member, I thought I had a slightly upper hand when we decided to have children. I researched the regulations and the services provided to parents. I even worked with others who had failed in these responsibilities, but I still wasn’t fully prepared. Based on learning from my own personal issues raising my first two children, here are some things I’m doing differently with my younger two:
I spend more INTERACTIVE time with them: Kids want your time - not your money, not your gifts, not your constant scolding or correcting. It doesn’t need to be a $1000 trip to a theme park. It can be a $0 walk around the block or 20 minutes on the playground when you pick them up before homework and next day prep takes over. I try to make special time for each child independently, and encourage my husband to do the same.
I listen to them: I make a point to engage in honest face-to-face listening after bringing them home from daycare. This gives me the chance to really listen to each child and how things went that day while I’m not distracted driving or doing other things. With the older two I am learning to communicate better by text, but trying to make them verbally speak to me or Skype me regularly.
I put them first now: Sometimes it is just not possible to be at every event. For example, I missed my first daughter’s prom, but I arranged someone to do her hair and makeup and a good friend to be there for her. Sometimes in units stuff happens. The unplanned inspection comes down, or the commander gets ticked and does mass punishment. Use your leave. Don’t save it for a rainy day that may never come. Take the long view—the military is at most a 20 to 30-year commitment, but your children are a lifetime commitment. Make sure you have a good relationship with them BEFORE they leave your house.
I teach them what appropriate affection looks and feels like: Tell them you love them every day and hug them every chance you get. Even when “correcting” or “disciplining” make sure it is coming from love and not from anger, and be consistent. After a time-out, I have my child explain what it was that went wrong and then I tell them I love them, hug them, and forgive them. This was not easy at first! The very first timeout session was almost two hours long (watch Nanny 911 for the technique). Now I barely have to put either of the two little ones in timeout!
Remember, your children will pattern relationships based on the type of affection they get from you! What personal changes have you made to be involved in your children’s lives? What were the more difficult adjustments?
(Part 2: https://www.rallypoint.com/command-post/how-do-you-balance-parenting-with-the-responsibilities-of-being-a-service-member-part-2)
Being an Army parent (and I suspect any other Service parent) means answering to a difficult master. Generally, so much is demanded of the parent in Service that the other parent (or another relative) becomes the “primary” caregiver. My own father was a single Service parent of three after my mother passed away from cancer. Experiencing my father’s struggle through the uncharted waters of parenting as a Service member, I thought I had a slightly upper hand when we decided to have children. I researched the regulations and the services provided to parents. I even worked with others who had failed in these responsibilities, but I still wasn’t fully prepared. Based on learning from my own personal issues raising my first two children, here are some things I’m doing differently with my younger two:
I spend more INTERACTIVE time with them: Kids want your time - not your money, not your gifts, not your constant scolding or correcting. It doesn’t need to be a $1000 trip to a theme park. It can be a $0 walk around the block or 20 minutes on the playground when you pick them up before homework and next day prep takes over. I try to make special time for each child independently, and encourage my husband to do the same.
I listen to them: I make a point to engage in honest face-to-face listening after bringing them home from daycare. This gives me the chance to really listen to each child and how things went that day while I’m not distracted driving or doing other things. With the older two I am learning to communicate better by text, but trying to make them verbally speak to me or Skype me regularly.
I put them first now: Sometimes it is just not possible to be at every event. For example, I missed my first daughter’s prom, but I arranged someone to do her hair and makeup and a good friend to be there for her. Sometimes in units stuff happens. The unplanned inspection comes down, or the commander gets ticked and does mass punishment. Use your leave. Don’t save it for a rainy day that may never come. Take the long view—the military is at most a 20 to 30-year commitment, but your children are a lifetime commitment. Make sure you have a good relationship with them BEFORE they leave your house.
I teach them what appropriate affection looks and feels like: Tell them you love them every day and hug them every chance you get. Even when “correcting” or “disciplining” make sure it is coming from love and not from anger, and be consistent. After a time-out, I have my child explain what it was that went wrong and then I tell them I love them, hug them, and forgive them. This was not easy at first! The very first timeout session was almost two hours long (watch Nanny 911 for the technique). Now I barely have to put either of the two little ones in timeout!
Remember, your children will pattern relationships based on the type of affection they get from you! What personal changes have you made to be involved in your children’s lives? What were the more difficult adjustments?
(Part 2: https://www.rallypoint.com/command-post/how-do-you-balance-parenting-with-the-responsibilities-of-being-a-service-member-part-2)
Edited >1 y ago
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 17
Well, in truth, I balanced the two by retiring as soon as I could. It was the least I could do.
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SFC (Join to see)
Truly, the hardest thing I've ever had to do is balance my career, the reserves and being a parent. But, I devote as much time as possible to my kids when I am home.
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MSG Brad Sand
SFC (Join to see)
Mine is a long story and I can understand where you are coming from. Each component, command and leadership team has it own set of challenges and some are harder than others.
For me, it seemed the best option was to take my toys and go home. I miss it every day...well most days.
Mine is a long story and I can understand where you are coming from. Each component, command and leadership team has it own set of challenges and some are harder than others.
For me, it seemed the best option was to take my toys and go home. I miss it every day...well most days.
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Great topic and post ma'am! I try to give my family my all when I am not on duty. Army life is hard on family, I always thought that the Army should give out awards to wives and children. The Army calls the NCO corps the 'backbone of the Army', I think it is our families that is, in fact, the backbone of the Army.
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COL (Join to see)
SPC(P) Jay Heenan totally agree...The Army has changed over the last 4 decades in how it treats families and I have to say has been extraordinarily good to mine (much more so than when my dad lost my mom). I appreciate retirements where the folks are sure to get the letter from the President for the spouse and I have had commands where they do a letter from the commander to each child which is super special.
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COL (Join to see) Ma'am, great article. A topic that has been big on my mind lately. The other comments have captured it well. I'll have to look at that episode of nanny 911.
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You are a SOLDIER (sailor, marine, airman) that is your duty, even if it costs your life. Your spouse has to be able to pick up the pieces in case you don’t come back. You have to trust that they will
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COL (Join to see)
SSG Edward Tilton in an ideal world that is absolutely true but this is not the America of the 50s...even one of my mentors had his wife abandon him with 2 little girls when he had to deploy to Vietnam in the late 60s...not all spouses are created equal, as a commander had many situations of wives and husbands abandoning their responsibilities to their children and service member spouse or God forbid something bad happen to them so they could not fulfill them. The key is having a larger backup than just one person and a very good family care plan in place even if you are married because emergencies do happen like disease and car accidents.
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Ma'm, I am currently in ABOLC and as the course load picks up in finding less and less time to spend with my wife and daughter. I'm exhausted by the time I get home and my daughter is in bed half the time. It's bothering me that I cannot find the time to be with my daughter. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this?
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COL (Join to see)
CPT(P) (Join to see) my apologies for not seeing this...went off the site for about a year. I sincerely hope you found a way to balance and could share here for others as a follow-up. When I was in my masters I would put the time for the kids on my calendar and have a plan to do something fun with them.
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COL (Join to see) as others have said you pretty much hit the nail on the head. I did most of these and can proudly say my three grown sons have all turned out to be respectful professional men. They make me proud and every day I tell them that I love them and still give them a hug every time I see them! Good luck with yours, I'm sure your gonna do great!
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PO2 Jonathan Scharff
COL (Join to see) Just as an update and clarification I have 3 boys. My first has a masters in Computers science and a great high paying job. My second is a JAG in the army. And my third is also in the Army currently in His 3rd year of law school through the Army FLEP program. So when I said I did all the things you are doing I meant it and the results are totally worth it. We also have an “adopted daughter” who went to Princeton undergrad and is now in her second year at NYU law. Most importantly all of them are honorable good people. So please keep it up!
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COL (Join to see)
That is fantastic PO2 Jonathan Scharff Thank you and your family for your continued service to our country!
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I have discovered that I have indirectly built a mechanism within myself overtime, I know what's expected of me while in the uniform, and home and school. It comes now natural to the extent where I am constantly shifting roles... and it makes me stronger and more focused... like they say where would I need without my kids... at this point I need them as much as they need me... I love it and at times its difficult but it directly made me focus on what's important...
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