Posted on Nov 6, 2017
Living With a Mental Illness: How I Conquered the Darkness
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I know what everyone is thinking after reading that title: “Oh, here we go again. Another guy that is going to talk about PTSD.” Actually, no. I can’t speak on the difficulties of PTSD in particular. It isn’t that I do not suffer from some of the symptoms of the disorder, but more that the symptoms of PTSD that I may deal with could be from the disorder or they could be symptoms of yet another mental health condition that I was diagnosed with and subsequently medically retired for.
I was diagnosed as a Manic Bipolar (Bipolar Axis – I) in early 2013. It wasn’t a clear cut kind of thing where I went in and they immediately knew what was wrong with me. No, it took many months and a handful of failed attempts at treating what they had originally thought to be the cause of my issues before I was properly diagnosed.
I don’t care to talk about what goes through my head on a daily basis. I don’t need to talk about how living with my diagnosis affects my mood and my struggle to ensure that I don’t fall into slumps of depression. I would much rather talk about how I deal with this issue in my life because I believe that it can directly be related to a number of other mental health concerns that many of us throughout the veteran community may suffer from.
It doesn’t really matter what the diagnosis is, Post-Traumatic Stress, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, whatever you can think of, sadly, we are all members of the very same club. If you haven’t received your membership card and free t-shirt, please call up your VA therapist immediately because they are supposed to issue those. (Please do not actually call them. That was only a joke).
It takes a lot of patience with yourself and others to live with these conditions. I find that being able to take a step back and take a breather when I feel something getting a little “out of wack” tends to help quite a bit. Understanding what gets you bent out of shape goes a long way to being able to react in a preemptive manner when you feel something happening, or avoid things altogether if need be. I can’t stand large crowds of people; I know that many others feel the same way. Well, this means that I don’t go to concerts and usually try to stay clear of certain areas at outdoor festivals and such. I know what sends me spiraling and I do my best to ensure that I am not put in those situations.
Possibly more importantly is adherence to whatever treatment that your medical professionals have set up for you. We are all different. I cannot tell you that this medication works for me and that you should try it. That’s stupid. We are all different and what works for one person may not work, or may have negative effects, on a different person. Listen to your providers and work with them to find the right program and regimen for you. It is not a quick and easy process but I assure you that when you finally get the right stuff set up it will make a world of a difference. There is nothing wrong with doing research on your medications and having open discussion with your providers. I once found that one of the medications that I was prescribed in order to help me fall asleep was an antidepressant. Well, give an antidepressant to a Manic Bipolar and I can tell you that it does the exact opposite of putting them to sleep. Eventually, after a couple years, we found a combination that works wonders for me.
Therapy is a far more valuable tool than you may realize. Many of us aren’t able to talk to family and friends about certain things. Whether those things may be weird dreams we’ve had, thoughts, bad memories, fears, guilt, and any number of things. I know that I have difficulty talking to my family about almost anything that pops into my head. To me it sounds just fine but to them I sound like a sociopath sometimes. It’s hard. I know that I don’t have to worry about freaking them out though because I talk to my therapist about those things. Maybe they aren’t issues and it was just a passing thought but it does wonders for me to speak to someone who doesn’t judge, doesn’t tell me I’m crazy, and I know cannot tell a soul about anything that we have spoken about. I unload some awful stuff sometimes and when I leave I feel ready to take on the world again, even if only for the two weeks between sessions. That’s okay though, because I’ll do it again and I’ll feel great after the next one too.
We all have our issues. Some of us just happen to have some of ours documented in VA medical files and that’s not a horrible thing. There are a myriad of different avenues to receive the right help that you need. I hear yoga does great things but you won’t catch me dead in those stretchy pants (maybe if I wasn’t so fat). Do what you need to do in order to keep yourself on track. Don’t let the little bit of darkness block out the light that the future brings. If all else fails, know that your brothers (and sisters)-in-arms will always be there to talk to and pull you to your feet if the weight becomes just a little too much.
Brave Rifles.
I was diagnosed as a Manic Bipolar (Bipolar Axis – I) in early 2013. It wasn’t a clear cut kind of thing where I went in and they immediately knew what was wrong with me. No, it took many months and a handful of failed attempts at treating what they had originally thought to be the cause of my issues before I was properly diagnosed.
I don’t care to talk about what goes through my head on a daily basis. I don’t need to talk about how living with my diagnosis affects my mood and my struggle to ensure that I don’t fall into slumps of depression. I would much rather talk about how I deal with this issue in my life because I believe that it can directly be related to a number of other mental health concerns that many of us throughout the veteran community may suffer from.
It doesn’t really matter what the diagnosis is, Post-Traumatic Stress, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, whatever you can think of, sadly, we are all members of the very same club. If you haven’t received your membership card and free t-shirt, please call up your VA therapist immediately because they are supposed to issue those. (Please do not actually call them. That was only a joke).
It takes a lot of patience with yourself and others to live with these conditions. I find that being able to take a step back and take a breather when I feel something getting a little “out of wack” tends to help quite a bit. Understanding what gets you bent out of shape goes a long way to being able to react in a preemptive manner when you feel something happening, or avoid things altogether if need be. I can’t stand large crowds of people; I know that many others feel the same way. Well, this means that I don’t go to concerts and usually try to stay clear of certain areas at outdoor festivals and such. I know what sends me spiraling and I do my best to ensure that I am not put in those situations.
Possibly more importantly is adherence to whatever treatment that your medical professionals have set up for you. We are all different. I cannot tell you that this medication works for me and that you should try it. That’s stupid. We are all different and what works for one person may not work, or may have negative effects, on a different person. Listen to your providers and work with them to find the right program and regimen for you. It is not a quick and easy process but I assure you that when you finally get the right stuff set up it will make a world of a difference. There is nothing wrong with doing research on your medications and having open discussion with your providers. I once found that one of the medications that I was prescribed in order to help me fall asleep was an antidepressant. Well, give an antidepressant to a Manic Bipolar and I can tell you that it does the exact opposite of putting them to sleep. Eventually, after a couple years, we found a combination that works wonders for me.
Therapy is a far more valuable tool than you may realize. Many of us aren’t able to talk to family and friends about certain things. Whether those things may be weird dreams we’ve had, thoughts, bad memories, fears, guilt, and any number of things. I know that I have difficulty talking to my family about almost anything that pops into my head. To me it sounds just fine but to them I sound like a sociopath sometimes. It’s hard. I know that I don’t have to worry about freaking them out though because I talk to my therapist about those things. Maybe they aren’t issues and it was just a passing thought but it does wonders for me to speak to someone who doesn’t judge, doesn’t tell me I’m crazy, and I know cannot tell a soul about anything that we have spoken about. I unload some awful stuff sometimes and when I leave I feel ready to take on the world again, even if only for the two weeks between sessions. That’s okay though, because I’ll do it again and I’ll feel great after the next one too.
We all have our issues. Some of us just happen to have some of ours documented in VA medical files and that’s not a horrible thing. There are a myriad of different avenues to receive the right help that you need. I hear yoga does great things but you won’t catch me dead in those stretchy pants (maybe if I wasn’t so fat). Do what you need to do in order to keep yourself on track. Don’t let the little bit of darkness block out the light that the future brings. If all else fails, know that your brothers (and sisters)-in-arms will always be there to talk to and pull you to your feet if the weight becomes just a little too much.
Brave Rifles.
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 26
Great post, I agree with it! I struggle with PTSD/depression/anxiety that makes it hard to function at times. I find that being able to talk with someone or get out with friends/others makes things so much better.
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Great Post that speaks volumes and right on target. I can totally relate and I know many others can too. Yes, there are many veterans who will still have your back and finding those friendships is golden.
Brave Rifles back at ya. (M Co 3/3 1972)
Thank you for sharing
Brave Rifles back at ya. (M Co 3/3 1972)
Thank you for sharing
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I truly appreciate and understand what you are going through. I was medical discharge after I tried to commit suicide. I was so afraid of what people would think of me that when I got out I just moved from place to place doing anything that was available to just survive. I didn't feel like I was good enough to be called a Marine Vet. I currently have a great psychologist in the VA system here in San Angelo. I still have rough days and don't sleep well but have found that talking about what I did when I served, with others who have is grounding. If you want contact me with a email and I will give you my phone number and you can call anytime.
Semper Fi
Scott
Semper Fi
Scott
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Thank you, Joseph, for your comments. If only all Veterans could read them, they might find a starting point for their own unique issues. I sense that you are not concerned about others' views of you. Thank you, again!
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SGT Joseph Gunderson
I haven't concerned myself with what others think about me for a very long time. I think life is better when you don't worry about such trivial things.
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This is a very insightful message - to share your story, even if it wasn't in detail, is incredibly brave and seriously important. I don't want to sound condescending but I am proud of you for putting this information out there for people to read. Stigma about seeking mental health needs to be erased so people can get the help that they need without feeling shamed, broken, or embarrassed. I am in Graduate school to obtain my Masters in Social Work right now and am actually getting ready to write a research proposal on this exact topic. Thank you for allowing me to see things from your perspective. I wish you the best and bravo for practicing the best of self-care!
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This is by far one of my most upfront posts I've read! HOORAH!! I thank you for your service, but also the bravery to discuss this! Keep doing what you are doing, it's helping others!
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I didn't conquer mine, I embraced it. All of my life people who were trying to hurt me wound up helping me. The true measure of a man is how much others will pay you to go away
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Joseph, thank you for elaborating on your special needs. It takes a special kind of courage to not only live through the ordeals you've been exposed to, but also to tell us about it. Keep your chosen faith strong through prayer.
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