Posted on May 3, 2021
My Story of Hope: I am a Suicide Survivor and Mental Health Warrior | Part 1
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Take a moment of silence for yourself right now. Block out the rest of the world and really focus on the silence. It is not very often that an article begins with a request for silence. It is uncomfortable. It is forced and sometimes the silence is ironically deafening. We often don’t know what to do with silence because we are forced to be alone with ourselves and thoughts which can be daunting.
September 11, 2001, silenced America. There have been very few times in history that the nation felt so defeated that it stopped, even for just a moment. But on that September morning, for a moment, as one nation we all stood still watching the tragic events unfold before us in disbelief. Then came September 12th, and then the 13th. Weeks and months kept rolling by and like always; time went on. The memory of the attacks slowly faded into history but never faded in our memories. But for some Americans, like me, that day lives on forever inside.
I was at the Pentagon that day when the senseless attack changed the course of history forever. I was a soldier and saw first-hand the destruction it caused; both in front of us as a nation and behind the scenes. 9-11 changed my life. It sent me on a path of self-destruction and depression. I lost all of my hope. Post-traumatic stress silenced me.
How could this be I wondered. I am a United States soldier, an Officer! I can’t feel this way. I am strong. I can overcome anything. Any obstacle that had been thrown my way before 9-11 I was able to burst through and come out on the other side.
I was wrong. My PTSD was stronger than me. And it beat me. In December 2002, I laid on a couch dying by my own hand. Then I woke up in the hospital...
If you or someone you know is struggling, please get help now. Tell a loved one. Tell a friend. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: [login to see] . If you prefer to talk online, visit the veteran crisis line here: https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/get-help/military-crisis-line
September 11, 2001, silenced America. There have been very few times in history that the nation felt so defeated that it stopped, even for just a moment. But on that September morning, for a moment, as one nation we all stood still watching the tragic events unfold before us in disbelief. Then came September 12th, and then the 13th. Weeks and months kept rolling by and like always; time went on. The memory of the attacks slowly faded into history but never faded in our memories. But for some Americans, like me, that day lives on forever inside.
I was at the Pentagon that day when the senseless attack changed the course of history forever. I was a soldier and saw first-hand the destruction it caused; both in front of us as a nation and behind the scenes. 9-11 changed my life. It sent me on a path of self-destruction and depression. I lost all of my hope. Post-traumatic stress silenced me.
How could this be I wondered. I am a United States soldier, an Officer! I can’t feel this way. I am strong. I can overcome anything. Any obstacle that had been thrown my way before 9-11 I was able to burst through and come out on the other side.
I was wrong. My PTSD was stronger than me. And it beat me. In December 2002, I laid on a couch dying by my own hand. Then I woke up in the hospital...
If you or someone you know is struggling, please get help now. Tell a loved one. Tell a friend. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: [login to see] . If you prefer to talk online, visit the veteran crisis line here: https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/get-help/military-crisis-line
PTSD
Mental Health
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Veterans Affairs (VA)
Stories of Hope
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 13
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CW4 Clifford Bauman Thank you for sharing your story of hope. "I laid on a couch dying by my own hand," is a courageous statement to make, especially while still on active duty. I hope your story helps others share their challenges before they find themselves too overwhelmed to get the help they need, especially when that help is so readily available.
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CW4 Clifford Bauman
The hardest thing to do for me was to ask for help, but I soon realized it was something I should of done. If you read this blog and are stressed about things call a someone you are not alone and others want to help you.
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Thank you for sharing your story. And I, for one, am glad you lived to do so. If you need help reach out!
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CW4 Clifford Bauman
That is the most important so simple ask for help but so hard. I tell my story so others know it is ok to ask for help.
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I'm glad you're still with us! I've know a couple of soldiers who killed themselves. Aside from not being particularly good for them, the rest of us were left wondering what if we'd just listened or said the right thing.
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CW4 Clifford Bauman
That is the hardest thing most family and friends deal with is could I have done something different.
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I am glad you are still with us. I knew a fellow Vietnam combat veteran that took his life. It is very important to reach out for help.
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CW4 Clifford Bauman
It is important to ask for help, but I also understand that sometimes is the hardest thing to do. I hope if anyone is reading my story this week that they will reach out for help if they need it.
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CWO3 (Join to see)
Your share was helpful to all. There are lots of tales that could be told by others here on RP. It's great that you're still with us and spreading the word. That's why the brevity with my reply. You'll find folks here that can agree or disagree, but mostly would not fail to respond to help the community of Veterans in general.
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CW4 Clifford Bauman
I fully agree with you that is the great thing about RP thank you for your words and reply
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Thank you for sharing you story. I’m so lucky to know so happy that you’re here with us.
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CW4 Clifford Bauman
Thank you for your kind words. I am also happy I am here I would have missed out on so much in life had I oh wait that part comes out tomorrow. :)
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Lost my son to suicide in Iraq in 2005. His chain of command he was having problems with his second tour and did nothing to help, I served in 1967-71 and we took care of our soldiers much better than now and we were draftees, something is wrong now.
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CW4 Clifford Bauman
I am sorry for your loss it saddens me when I hear stories like yours. First of all thank you for your service and your sons. Stigma is huge in the military and 2005 was even worse than now, this is why I have been speaking out about this issue to raise awareness. If anything let soldiers family members know it is ok not to be ok and asking for help i also ok. Thank you commenting and telling me your story. The more we talk about this the more we can help others.
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I don't want to hijack your thread but my brother, a Vietnam vet, attempted suicide on his 40th birthday. He turned to alcohol to deal with his PTSD. His attempt was unsuccessful but it left him paralyzed. He shot himself in the back of the head. I didn't live near him to see what was going on to get him the help he needed. He lived another thirteen year in agony. RIP Cpl. Roy Burk, USMC.
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CW4 Clifford Bauman
Mr. Burk thank you for sharing your story of your brother and I don't mind you hijacking my thread one bit. I also turned to alcohol to deal with my PTSD issues, which I know now was the wrong thing to do. I want to thank you and your brother both for your service and sacrifice.
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Cpl Vic Burk
CW4 Clifford Bauman - And my brothers and I (the three of us were all Marines) also thank you for your service! I hope your story helps someone, anyone, the more the better but even if it is one person, seek help when they are that far down and out it is someone saved.
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Thanks for sharing your story, Chief. It takes guts to do that and you’re probably reaching someone now who needs to know your story.
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CW4 Clifford Bauman
Thank you I am just trying to reach that one person to let them know it is ok not to be ok and reach out if you are in need. We are all together in this fight against "Stigma" in asking for help.
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Cpl Vic Burk
CW4 Clifford Bauman - One of the real problems is getting the help in a timely manner. Many vets don't realize that they can go to any V. A. Medical Center emergency room for immediate help. Waiting for an appointment with a therapist could be the difference between life and death.
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