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I will never forget the day I opened my Facebook to find a message from my best friend saying good-bye. He had been struggling since his last deployment but asking for help wasn’t even an option in his mind. He thought he should just be able to “suck it up” like he did after every other deployment. He did for a while, and the world moved on around him, until he just couldn’t anymore. As luck, or fate, would have it, we were stationed in Korea when “sucking it up” turned to crisis and I saw the message almost instantly. But for a single, terrifying moment I thought I lost the person who was more a brother to me than my own blood. The one who interrogated me about the soldier I was dating, then wordlessly settled the check over ‘rock, paper, scissors’ the first time they met. The reason I am even in this field today.
This single moment shaped both our lives and handed us each a new fight. His started with getting help and challenging what he thought he knew about toughness. Mine was going to school to become a military social worker so I could help break the stigma that almost took my friend. Despite the strides we have made, we still lose too many in our community to the wounds of war. Inside I question, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED?
The challenge I put to those I speak with is this: What would you do if you broke your leg? Go to the doctor. Your child has a tooth ache? Go to the dentist. Your wife has postpartum depression? Go to behavioral health. These are perfectly acceptable and reasonable decisions most people make. Yet when it comes to the wounds that we feel but cannot see, we call it weakness. We shove it down. We suffer in silence. We don’t follow our own advice. So, I ask, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU DESERVE?
In the military community we hear a lot about readiness and resilience, but I think it is time we add wellness to this conversation. It is incredibly difficult to transition out of active service, find employment, raise a family, earn promotions, have a happy marriage, or just enjoy life if our mental health is suffering. Our wellness impacts every part of our life. So, I challenge, WHAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM THE LIFE YOU EARNED?
While prepping for this post, I asked my husband what he does as a senior NCO to shift the perception of mental health in his unit. He said, “The days of suffering alone are over. It isn’t about weakness but strength. You can be physically fit but that doesn’t mean you are mentally fit. I need mentally fit soldiers. So, I tell them about my experience and how it helped me.” This is my final challenge. As leaders, we need to lead from the front by sharing our stories, shifting the language, and supporting our friends, brothers, sisters, and communities when we are struggling. Suicide prevention is all our responsibility and we are in this fight together.
If you or someone you know in the Washington State area needs support for their mental fitness, please reach out to my team by calling us at [login to see] or emailing us at [login to see] We are veterans and military family members ourselves. We get it and are here to help you get back to better. Learn more about our local services at https://rly.pt/ValleyCitiesCohenClinic
If you, or someone you know, is in need of confidential counseling and therapy in an additional location, you can find a clinic here: https://rly.pt/CohenClinics
If someone is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop now and call 9-1-1.
Please contact the VA Veterans Crisis Line at: [login to see] Press 1
This single moment shaped both our lives and handed us each a new fight. His started with getting help and challenging what he thought he knew about toughness. Mine was going to school to become a military social worker so I could help break the stigma that almost took my friend. Despite the strides we have made, we still lose too many in our community to the wounds of war. Inside I question, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED?
The challenge I put to those I speak with is this: What would you do if you broke your leg? Go to the doctor. Your child has a tooth ache? Go to the dentist. Your wife has postpartum depression? Go to behavioral health. These are perfectly acceptable and reasonable decisions most people make. Yet when it comes to the wounds that we feel but cannot see, we call it weakness. We shove it down. We suffer in silence. We don’t follow our own advice. So, I ask, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU DESERVE?
In the military community we hear a lot about readiness and resilience, but I think it is time we add wellness to this conversation. It is incredibly difficult to transition out of active service, find employment, raise a family, earn promotions, have a happy marriage, or just enjoy life if our mental health is suffering. Our wellness impacts every part of our life. So, I challenge, WHAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM THE LIFE YOU EARNED?
While prepping for this post, I asked my husband what he does as a senior NCO to shift the perception of mental health in his unit. He said, “The days of suffering alone are over. It isn’t about weakness but strength. You can be physically fit but that doesn’t mean you are mentally fit. I need mentally fit soldiers. So, I tell them about my experience and how it helped me.” This is my final challenge. As leaders, we need to lead from the front by sharing our stories, shifting the language, and supporting our friends, brothers, sisters, and communities when we are struggling. Suicide prevention is all our responsibility and we are in this fight together.
If you or someone you know in the Washington State area needs support for their mental fitness, please reach out to my team by calling us at [login to see] or emailing us at [login to see] We are veterans and military family members ourselves. We get it and are here to help you get back to better. Learn more about our local services at https://rly.pt/ValleyCitiesCohenClinic
If you, or someone you know, is in need of confidential counseling and therapy in an additional location, you can find a clinic here: https://rly.pt/CohenClinics
If someone is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop now and call 9-1-1.
Please contact the VA Veterans Crisis Line at: [login to see] Press 1
PTSD
Mental Health
Military Family
Cohen Veterans Network
Posted 6 y ago
Responses: 103
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Jonathan Shay's book "Achilles in Vietnam" makes the case that many cases of PTSD revolve more around betrayal of what's right by leadership than around actual traumatic events, and that our ability to socially trust is damaged as a part of PTSD. In my experience, this is true.
I did my job in Afghanistan; but the chain of command was negligent and people died as a result. There were investigations, but ultimately, no consequences for that negligence. And throughout my career in the Army, though I've seen many competent officers, I don't trust the system any more. With several officers that I've seen over the years, I've only seen one officer face real consequences for misconduct; he was kicked out of our organization for fraternization. The rest all ended up with simple reassignments or no consequences at all.
On one occasion, following a life-altering injury, a CSM decided that making personal threats about destroying my career and my ability to provide for my family was the proper way to handle a particular issue I had.
Other times the system has only screwed me over financially; a dental appointment that wasn't covered by insurance that cost me money that my family couldn't afford, thousands of dollars of pay that I lost out on because of leadership that didn't give enough of a damn to process simple paperwork in a timely fashion, tuition assistance money that was double-billed out of my pay and never straightened out...
Even something as simple as going on leave required me to get my car inspected by somebody who knew next to nothing about cars when I've been wrenching on them for years, up to and including doing engine rebuilds. And on the one occasion where I actually did ask for help, I'm sent to some dismissive academic in his hunting jacket who decides that what I need is to go buy a book about how anger is a CHOICE. After a few visits, I quit going because I came to the realization that he wasn't interested in actually digging into my problems and finding solutions for PTSD; he was interested in charging the Army hundreds of dollars per hour while stroking his goatee and having me talk ad nauseum, wallowing in emotion and offering no insight or support.
Message received. Even when you're lucky enough to get officers who give a damn, they're limited as to what they can do to help you with anything, because there's always some bureaucrat to be talked to and some other form to be filled out. Any time Congress authorizes resources to help soldiers, they get wrapped up in so damn much red tape and bureaucracy, you're probably better off finding your own solutions to your problems, because the one thing the Army's good at above all else is giving jobs to bureaucrats. But if you want a solution to be forthcoming, don't hold your breath. I'll get further faster and more effectively doing my own reading and finding my own answers to things rather than being enlisted fodder for an officer welfare machine that doubles as a way for bean counters to make sure that the Army can avoid liability lawsuits.
No offense.
I did my job in Afghanistan; but the chain of command was negligent and people died as a result. There were investigations, but ultimately, no consequences for that negligence. And throughout my career in the Army, though I've seen many competent officers, I don't trust the system any more. With several officers that I've seen over the years, I've only seen one officer face real consequences for misconduct; he was kicked out of our organization for fraternization. The rest all ended up with simple reassignments or no consequences at all.
On one occasion, following a life-altering injury, a CSM decided that making personal threats about destroying my career and my ability to provide for my family was the proper way to handle a particular issue I had.
Other times the system has only screwed me over financially; a dental appointment that wasn't covered by insurance that cost me money that my family couldn't afford, thousands of dollars of pay that I lost out on because of leadership that didn't give enough of a damn to process simple paperwork in a timely fashion, tuition assistance money that was double-billed out of my pay and never straightened out...
Even something as simple as going on leave required me to get my car inspected by somebody who knew next to nothing about cars when I've been wrenching on them for years, up to and including doing engine rebuilds. And on the one occasion where I actually did ask for help, I'm sent to some dismissive academic in his hunting jacket who decides that what I need is to go buy a book about how anger is a CHOICE. After a few visits, I quit going because I came to the realization that he wasn't interested in actually digging into my problems and finding solutions for PTSD; he was interested in charging the Army hundreds of dollars per hour while stroking his goatee and having me talk ad nauseum, wallowing in emotion and offering no insight or support.
Message received. Even when you're lucky enough to get officers who give a damn, they're limited as to what they can do to help you with anything, because there's always some bureaucrat to be talked to and some other form to be filled out. Any time Congress authorizes resources to help soldiers, they get wrapped up in so damn much red tape and bureaucracy, you're probably better off finding your own solutions to your problems, because the one thing the Army's good at above all else is giving jobs to bureaucrats. But if you want a solution to be forthcoming, don't hold your breath. I'll get further faster and more effectively doing my own reading and finding my own answers to things rather than being enlisted fodder for an officer welfare machine that doubles as a way for bean counters to make sure that the Army can avoid liability lawsuits.
No offense.
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Unfortunately we don’t think that we need the help! We were able to overcome everything that the military trained us to. Unfortunately asking for help in a mental health issues would make us less than. Thankfully things are coming around, if we needed air support we ask, if we needed part of our team to adjust fire, we would ask for it, if we needed a medivac, we would ask for it, now if we needed help with ourselves, we need to ask for it! There should be no shame in it! That’s something that should be addressed in pre deployment and post deployment. We are trained by the best country in the world, we have the best equipment, we have the best medicines available to us, now we need the best help when asked for it! Just my thoughts! 22 is too many! 1 is too many when all we have to do is reach out!
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I was always told "no stigma for seeking help" so I sought help. Then Tri West (where I was getting my TriCare Reserve Select) demanded my therapist's notes to continue paying for treatment. And my therapist's company finally gave me a referral to someplace else because they got tired of trying to get paid from "Tri (to see if we) Care," which basically set back my therapy because of the rapport I had with my therapist. In fact, that clinic dropped everyone with Tri West. And didn't take us back when Reserve Select changed to United Healthcare. Another kicker was that every year when I had a PHA, again there was the demand for my therapist's notes - until the unit got those, I was under a temporary profile. So the "no stigma" thing just felt like lip service to me. No that I am out and with insurance through my employer, I feel like my mental health is in better hands - no demands for my therapist's notes, just a word from the therapist that I need to continue treatment.
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I have also learned that, with PTSD, people tend to label you as a drug addict, abuser, or alcoholic. Even when those labels do not fit, those people just think you haven’t been caught yet.
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To everyone
You can not be strong all the time. For those days when you can not be strong, you have the people around you to make up the slack. It is not weakness it is strength. It builds bonds that will allow others to come to you when they need help. We all need help at one time or another. You may not be able to go on but we will carry till you can, it is what you would do for us. The most decorated soldier in our history slept with a loaded pistol under his pillow, suffered horrific nightmares and got addicted to sleeping pills. So if he needed help and got it, why can’t you? Just leave the drugs out and the alcohol. Putting depressants into a depressed person makes no sense.
You can not be strong all the time. For those days when you can not be strong, you have the people around you to make up the slack. It is not weakness it is strength. It builds bonds that will allow others to come to you when they need help. We all need help at one time or another. You may not be able to go on but we will carry till you can, it is what you would do for us. The most decorated soldier in our history slept with a loaded pistol under his pillow, suffered horrific nightmares and got addicted to sleeping pills. So if he needed help and got it, why can’t you? Just leave the drugs out and the alcohol. Putting depressants into a depressed person makes no sense.
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I posted already but somehow it didn't actually get posted. So for alot of Veterans I think it has to do with being labeled. It was/is for me. I finally went to the VA hospital recently to be seen by a mental health provider to "talk about things". But as I was going to my appointments I realized that talking about it makes it feel worse. It is like it's happening all over again. I ended up stopping going to my appointments. After a few weeks I called the VetCenter and asked about taking to someone. They first asked questions like, was I in a combat situation or deployed, a MST victim, and a few others. When I answered yes, they told me I qualified for a appt but they were booked up. He said I would need a orientation appointment but since the Covid virus, they stopped doing them. He told me that they are willing to do those over the phone, but again couldn't tell me when. He took my information and told me someone would definitely call me to schedule but couldn't tell me when. This was over two months ago and still no call. Many Veterans who want to get help do try to. Or they don't know where they can go.
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I think it's more of a label for most. I know it was/is for me. I finally recently went in to be seen and talk about "things" at the VA hospital. Talking about it makes it feel like it's happening all over again. I stopped going after a few appointments because it was harder to talk about it than just "deal with it" myself. Then a few weeks after I stopped going to my appointments I figured maybe I would try again. I called the VetCenter to get help. They asked me a few questions first, have I been in a combat situation or deployed, MST victim, and a few others. When I said yes, they said I qualified for a appointment but they were booked up. They took my info and told me they definitely would call to schedule a appointment but not sure when. This was over a month ago and still haven't gotten any call. So there are Veterans who try to get help, but maybe don't know where to go, or are being told places are to booked too get an appointment.
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When I was in the military I sat suicide watch a time or two. Since I retired from the military after 20 years, Unfortunately, the VA is worthless here in Maine at Togus and you might as well shoot yourself. I have not had any help from them for physical problems, as well!!!!!!!
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For me, it's because I didn't get the help I needed when I asked. I am permanently disabled and am retiring this year. I have lots of challenges just doing my daily job, not to mention doing retirement preparation, daily physical therapy exercises, VA claims, medical appointments, job hunting, helping my wife find a school, etc., etc., and that's before my physical therapy, dry needling, chronic pain appts, deep tissue massage, and battlefield acupuncture all got canceled for COVID-19.
So, most of this other stuff gets pushed aside because I can barely do my day job with my chronic pain.
An O-6 in the Navy Wounded Warrior Program at WRMMC recommended I apply for the program so that they can assist with me dealing with the non-job things, but they declined to induct me and closed my case, which to me translates to "he can deal with life himself, he's just whining." So since I'm completely exhausted at the end of each day from my day job, I get the choice of overexerting myself such that I'm not able to work the next day, or laying down to recover for tomorrow and not getting my retirement preparations done.
So, most of this other stuff gets pushed aside because I can barely do my day job with my chronic pain.
An O-6 in the Navy Wounded Warrior Program at WRMMC recommended I apply for the program so that they can assist with me dealing with the non-job things, but they declined to induct me and closed my case, which to me translates to "he can deal with life himself, he's just whining." So since I'm completely exhausted at the end of each day from my day job, I get the choice of overexerting myself such that I'm not able to work the next day, or laying down to recover for tomorrow and not getting my retirement preparations done.
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I used to think and as wrong as that way of thinking was (just for us Vietnam Vets) but anyway of all the miseries any of us may of had after being discharged I thought why shouldn't it of been that THE VERY LAST ORDER given us and whether as enlisted or drafted on the day of having received our walking papers-DD 214/signed by the O.I.C. AND NOW YOUR LAST ORDER IS LEAVE THE MILITARY TO US...HA as I recall the first order we got at MCRD SD just as getting off the bus was GET ON THOSE YELLOW FOOTPRINTS (our fist platoon formation) but anyway in these times with the such escalation of suicides both by active as well discharged personnel maybe the better "tell all of that order use" might make a BOOT CAMP TOOL as the order is not yet given but a not to forget what they're there and will be following training there...something as that anyway though I can imagine an enthused raw Recruit saying Whose looking forward on getting out????
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First of all, I'm so sorry it came as close as it did. No shipmate should ever feel driven that close to wanting to end things because they feel alone and unable to reach out. Reach out to another shipmate, and realize that you have shipmates that will stay up with you all through the night if needed. Secondly, for me, my experience and thinking are such a part of me now that I have learned to embrace the good and the not-so-good parts. I don't think I will ever be able to explain this right, but here goes: The things that I don't get help for are such an integral part of who I am now as a woman, that I'm not sure I want to change my PTSD or mental health. I hold my PTSD close to me, and if I went into therapy for it, it would change me as a person, and in all actuality, I'm happy with who I am. I just have issues. Those that know me and love me know this about me, and for the most part, I can work through triggers. The point is, I would stay up with my shipmate(s) for as long as they need me to get them through crisis, and this understanding about myself and love for my shipmates led me to become a Counselor.
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After Nam, I noticed my attitude changed about the myself and the service. I was no longer happy in the service I wasn't on top of things as I once was. I was having too many night mares, and not caring anymore. It took me 25 years before I went to get help. It cost me a marriage and nearly my job. Once I achieved help, things changed back to the better. I was in control again. I met a wonderful woman whom I married and life turned around. Yes, Those that serve have problems. Ask any vet. Most will tell you the same thing. Every vet coming back from combat needs to get help, if they feel they are not in control of things. If the nightmares are just too hard to handle by your self. Do not be ashamed. Do not hold back to get help as I did for 25 years.
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Thank you, Niichole, for a powerful message. It took me many years after my military service to realize that what I was doing everyday wasn't working, and that I was actually killing myself from within. 7 years ago, I sought help. I didn't know what I was getting help for; I just knew that I needed something. Initially, I thought "Detox/Rehab" would suffice, but it was only the beginning. 4 years ago, I couldn't control my temper and I would fly into a rage in a nanosecond. Then I requested to see a therapist and VA obliged. The first two years, I didn't trust her, but I kept going once every two weeks, then once every week for an hour each time. Now, I trust her with my life. I urge any and all, who are struggling to please ask for help! Know that you are not alone, although it seems like a lot of the time.
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I wont get help that I need because I do not need ,, help" on paper......And I think most of the Veteran who left service will not trust no one and will not believe nothing anymore.. I do not need to go to sick-call or got referral to specialty doctor just to got Motrin and drink water....
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Because they still dont know what's wrong with me. Review my 14 years of being home:
2006-present day: NREM parasomnia (sleepwalking and confusional arousal 12+ times per night every night) no nightmares, no anxiety, no shame no guilt, just night induced sleepwalking choas), 4 broken bones and second degree burns.
Broken feet three times
Broke hand once
ran hands under hot water till skin peeled off
Feel in my friends pool
Threw a pillow at a nurse and yelled at her to turn off the white light
Played out a sleeping bag and "jumped to safety"
Was convinced I shot a man trying to car jack me only to realize it didn't actually happen
Climbing through windows
Thinking I'm being watched by snipers in my room
Moving furniture looking for my footlocker with my "chips"
Medical history: hit by 120mm mortar while walking through doorway (damage to three cranial nerves and hydrocephalus)
Sleep study showed sleepwalking every 20 minutes (18 times in 5 hours)
When I'm awake I'm fine, I dont remember what happens to me at night. People tell me.
EEG showed activity in temporal lobe
You figure this one out you let me know lol
2006-present day: NREM parasomnia (sleepwalking and confusional arousal 12+ times per night every night) no nightmares, no anxiety, no shame no guilt, just night induced sleepwalking choas), 4 broken bones and second degree burns.
Broken feet three times
Broke hand once
ran hands under hot water till skin peeled off
Feel in my friends pool
Threw a pillow at a nurse and yelled at her to turn off the white light
Played out a sleeping bag and "jumped to safety"
Was convinced I shot a man trying to car jack me only to realize it didn't actually happen
Climbing through windows
Thinking I'm being watched by snipers in my room
Moving furniture looking for my footlocker with my "chips"
Medical history: hit by 120mm mortar while walking through doorway (damage to three cranial nerves and hydrocephalus)
Sleep study showed sleepwalking every 20 minutes (18 times in 5 hours)
When I'm awake I'm fine, I dont remember what happens to me at night. People tell me.
EEG showed activity in temporal lobe
You figure this one out you let me know lol
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