New 6-foot Marine Corps bayonet protects against COVID-19

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WASHINGTON — The Marine Corps has begun issuing a new socially distanced bayonet that is six feet in length, Brigadier General Spanky Sicklecell announced yesterday.

“Stabbing the enemy at close range with a steel blade, while perhaps violent, is an honorable thing,” Sicklecell said. “But violating an individual’s social distance rights is cold-blooded and goes against the values of our beloved Marine Corps”

“Our weapons must evolve with our societal norms.”

The Marine Corps hopes the new bayonets will give Marines the confidence that their enemies will not die as a result of human expectorant transfer while ensuring that the sanctity of close-quarters combat is not violated.