Rape: a 4 letter word. Yesterday I began the telling from my journal I kept while in Topeka PTSD unit In November of 2011.

One decision: awake and replay, afraid to tell.

The other decision: to continue to fight, to breathe ,to relearn to do everything in the hope that another person, male, female, or whatever, young, old, no matter race or creed might not have to go through this experience as I did. Religion. Can we believe there is a God when we are witnesses to this?

Every day - every hour - sometimes each minute or second I must decide - to live with the nightmares, the fear, the anger or end it all by killing myself.

I have considered many methods - drownng as I doze off from an overdose - in the bathtub: fairly neat when someone finally realized I was gone and discovered my decomposing body. The water reached the tip of my nose.

Hanging - a so far very successful method for my family. It worked for 2 cousins, 21 year old father Billy, father of 2 boys and my closest friend Kathy, Billy’s sister. She was 13. Her body was found hanging from the rafters of the family home in Laconia New Hampshire less than 3 months later from her older brother Billy. It was 1976. It was an open casket - her protruding tongue, swollen lips and gray color obvious even with morgue makeup, so cold.

Hanging is the way my 23 year old son Bryan thinks would be best. He asked me to purchase a good rope the other day, November 2011. But as I write this I wonder why spend the money - there are so many articles in the house already that would make having easy.

Two close friends chose death by self inflicted gun wound. Dave and Dori. At sundown on Fontenelle Rd in Derby KS, I sat with Dave and his two chocolate labs as he consumed a mixed drink. I had been on the phone many times with Dori. She was my best friend for years and we talked daily for hours, she called me her “ vault” and we talked about many ways of suiciding. I remember clearly her telling me she had decided to shoot herself and had been practicing in the pasture outside Tulsa OK. I expressed to her that I’d had a patient while working in ICU who had put a gun in his mouth, pulled the trigger and instead of blowing his brains out, missed and took off the left side of his face. To this, Dori replied “ I won’t miss.”

Dori was right. Her son found her body crumpled in the pasture from a self inflicted gun shot. She left behind 4 children. Alex, Tony, Patrick and Kate.

COL Mikel J. Burroughs SP5 Mark Kuzinski Sgt (Join to see) SPC Margaret Higgins @Lt Col Charlie Lt Col Charlie Brown CPT Jack Durish SSG Loran Osborne