Okay, well you country folks, deer hunters, and outdoorsmen (and women), experienced hikers, and First Responders, can sit back for a bit, and listen to the kind of Fool that God protects (sometimes) and you just have to shake your head, and wonder: "Does he even have a brain?'
I wonder myself. And I was the Fool.
It was May, still winter in Alaska that year. I decided to go hike one of my favorite valleys. Now the general rules are: Never hike alone. Tell someone where you are going. Tell someone when you will be back. And understand the weather and trail conditions. And I didn't check a single one of those boxes.
Let this be a warning for other Fools like me.
I had hiked this particular Valley a couple dozen times. It was a box canyon with a Glacier and Glacial lake at the top of a 2,000 foot climb. And in the summer, it is a startling sight when you cross over that last little hump...and the scene unfolds. Every one I ever took up there, when we crossed that last thirty foot rise, would just stop. And they always said one of of two things:
1) Oh. My. God.
2) Holy Shit.
Yeah, it had that effect on people. Nature showing off.
So at the thousand foot level, there is a very narrow section where one side of the trail is a rock wall, the other side, is a 1,000 foot drop.
It is narrow enough, that most folks put one hand on the wall, as they walk, to leave a nice gap from the drop off.
When I got to that section, just strolling along with my favorite walking stick, I looked over and the Rock Wall, was like ten feet away from me. I thought that was strange. A few minutes later, and it was fifteen feet away from me. I froze in my tracks. It dawned on me.
I...was...walking...on...a... Snow Shelf. A thousand foot drop under me! And very carefully I inched my way back to the Rock Wall. Took a few moments to Thank God, and ice -for keeping me suspended in air. Now, I was paying a bit closer attention. It started to snow.
I kept going. At the 1,300 foot level, I swear, I heard water. I wasn't surprised by the sound, it was muffled. And I knew that there was a little dip in the trail, where the little lake at the top of the hike drained (sometimes) to form another little lake connected by a stream.
So I wasn't scared. I was just continuing to be...well...stupid.
Remember I walked on that snow shelf earlier?
Well, this was yet another snow shelf, but this one was right over the trail. And that trail had thick snow hiding an underwater melt (which is what I heard the water running thru) .
Suddenly I dropped through the snow shelf. The only thing that saved me- was my walking stick. aThe top half of my body fell forwards. My legs were dangling over ice cold water. Had I fallen straight through, the water would have knocked me off my feet, drove my body under the snow shelf...and they would have found my body when the Spring Thaw happened. Or maybe when an early rising bear came out of a Den and had a surprise buffet.
A few moment later, I did fall all the way through. But I was able to stand upright...work my way to the inside of the trail, and exhausted, wet, and scared...climb out. I was soaked. It was snowing, and I had to walk back to the trail head. And then from there, walk the two and a half miles back to town.
It was a long cold walk. The wind was howling, the temperature dropped, and the snow made me barely visible from the road. There weren't any cars anyway. So I trudged along. Didn't realize it was so hard to walk, because my pants had frozen into ice popsicles. Nor did I realize my hand had frozen to my walking stick. I just kept walking. Mind numbingly cold.
I couldn't understand why , when I got to the edge oof Town, two guys came flying out of the little coffee shop racing towards me. One of them was already on the radio calling the Paramedics. Luckily the town had just gotten two paramedics to go with the one Nurse that stayed over Winter. But these guys were there for only the summer, and came up a month early to get familiar with the place.
They took me right to the small clinic to treat me for exposure and hyperthermia. I don't remember much of that part. Except for when I read their report, they kept asking me questions. One of them was this question:
"What is seven times seven?"
My Answer?
"Wyoming."

Hypothermia is real. Idiots are real. And Weather kills. I learned a lot of lessons that day. Daniel Boone, Davy Crockett, and Jeremiah Johnson, would have just let the tender foot alone, and thin the herd.
I guess I was destined to be a city kid. Period.