We have all had a subordinate that needed to go. What are some Rating Bullets you have used that were both funny and sad but true?

As an adjutant I saw an OER on an infantry captain where the COL wrote "this officer has not commanded a company and does not seek to command. He displays none of the initiative or drive expected of a combat arms officer. Recommend retention in grade "

He never actually made it to the Major's board. The OER triggered a review and he was out in 90 days.

As far as funny/joke lines, one that went around for your last OER was "i can conceive of no national emergency so dire as to warrant this officer's return to active duty"

In List 3 position the NCO might best fit I put "Civilian"

Able to consistently conduct indoor/outdoor breathing under close supervision.

Not sure if it was just urban legend but a senior officer I knew claims to have written, "Ensign 'Smith' is going through his Naval career pulling on doors clearly marked 'Push.'"

o supported the Army Green initiative by personally supplying CO2 to vegetation in the Company Area

o possessed an unshakeable determination to do what he feels in right in the face of overwhelming evidence

o established a new company record in the post-APFT breathalyzer event

o personally took charge of the company extra duty details, completing all assigned tasks on a weekly basis

On the OER front, I had a Soldier who was formerly a CPT and came back in years later as a SGT to get retirement points in the USAR. He had an OER from the early '90's that read in it's entirety in the S/R section:
Captain G------ is dumb, but he is the best I've got.
Above Center of mass box check.

I never got to put it on paper but once I was called as a "Character Witness" to a Marines Admin Discharge hearing in front of the Regimental Commander. I had a stack of counseling sheets form 3 months alone that was thicker than a fat baby's dick. This individual was constantly UA, lived like a pig and had 4 njps already. The Colonel looked through one or two of the sheets than asked me if I thought the Marine Could be salvaged. I looked at the Colonel then looked at the Marine and said " Sir, this Private in nothing more than a hairy turd hanging out the Marine Corp's ass, and we need to pinch him off".
I thought the Sgt Major was going to have a Stroke, but the Colonel just looked up and said "Ok Gunny, thanks foir your input" He sent me and the Platoon Commander out without asking anything else. The kid was ad-sepped with an OTH within a few weeks.
By

"Sets low standards and often fails to meet them"
"No potential for potential to lead SM in combat or garrison"

My favorite was on a LT's OER.

"Lt ______ is a fast learner. He never makes the same mistake twice. But, it seems he is trying to make them all once."

Listed in the "top 3 positions"

Squad member

Yeah...had to go see 1SG about that one....

Ha ha ha ha ha ha

I put out a civilian (won't give him the credit of calling him a Soldier) a few years back. He was convicted of: 1) theft of government property, 2) theft of personal property, 3) disrespect to a Non-Commissioned Officer and 4) solicitation of narcotics. All on his first NCOER. I share this not to make fun of this guy, but so other NCOs can use these bullets with their more challenging NCOERs. This was by far the hardest NCOER I ever wrote.

PART IV. a. ARMY VALUES
o failed to uphold the Army standards of honor and integrity
o demonstrated serious lack of integrity and poor judgement without consideration of results
o disciplined for disrespect and solicitation of narcotics
PART IV. b. COMPETENCE
o lacked sound judgement in personal decision making
o performed duties in a timely manner with supervision
o his failure to follow orders led to loss of computer access; unable to efficiently perform duties of a NCO in a medical center
PART IV. d. LEADERSHIP
o disciplined for larceny
o failed to live up to the Creed of the Non-Commissioned Officer
o lacked the ability to comprehend operational mission goals and act appropriately in the absence of orders
PART V. b.
Squad Member
Mail Room Worker
Gym Worker
PART V. e.
o do not promote or retain at this time; there is no real world mission that warrants the retention of this Soldier
o current performance is below expected levels; did not positively distinguish himself from his peers
o has limited potential in military career

She takes her foot out of her mouth only to replace it with the other one.

"This NCO has met his maximum potential. Do not promote. Do not retain." I proudly display this in a frame since it was mine and I wrote just prior to ETS.

He's a jarhead for sure but the jars empty.
He can put on the uniform which in it's self is impressive.
He's great at PT if PT consisted of running 5 ft
Leadership ability of a dying cat
Takes orders like a retard chasing bubbles
Can't counsel said Marine, he's crossed eyed and I lose my bearing.

Submitted on an junior PO2 who treated those who reported to her like children. Almost made it to her record, the entire chain of command agreed. The Commanding Officer changed it after much thought.
"* Does not work well or play well with others."

Airman is extremely well suited for the civilian sector, recommend transfer to such with due haste.

'Overwhelmingly meets minimum standards'.

In the late 1980's there was a list going around which was compiled by some of the junior Marines who reviewed fitness reports for sergeants and above. I wish I could find that list, but here are a few I do remember:

-Can juggle cotton balls in a hurricane.
-Marches to the beat of a different drummer and fortunate we could not find that drummer.
-I would rather have a vacancy in my unit rather than have this individual on my rolls.
-I have known the Gunnery Sergeant for years. He fat then and he is still fat now.

Chief Neverdull proves that no one is totally useless, as he can be used a bad example of a Chief Petty Officer. (Skipper made me change it)

Has a whole 6pack but missing the plastic thingy that holds it together

I didn't use any of these. I was really tempted though:

1 of 3 recommended future positions : Front Leaning Rest
Marginally achieved autonomous breathing
Able to tell left from right 80% of the time
Considered an excellent candidate for post-military Vo-Tech Training
Able to recite 100% of the dialogue from recent movie titles, able to recite 75% of the National Anthem