Posted on Aug 12, 2016
An Oversized Gluteus Maximus Will Now Prevent Military Service
54.8K
247
56
29
29
0
Amid rising concern about obesity and various medical conditions preventing military service, the Pentagon has just published a new policy against those with oversized gluteus maximus muscles. This will be the first time in over 20 years that the military is rewriting body composition standards to this advanced degree. Simply put, new methods will be administered in order to determine whether or not troops are carrying too much weight behind and underneath them to serve effectively in the U.S. military. Among civilians, this is further shrinking the pool of qualified prospective recruits. And among the active-duty force, a rising number of big-bottomed troops poses risks to readiness and health care costs.
“You can look around and see all the soldiers that are bulging out of their ABU pants,” said Dr. Leonard Jefferson, a professor of fitness and human ecology at Yale University who has studied military nutrition and body composition. “They must do something about it.”
Seaman Matthew Jolistein of the United States Coast Guard praised the new policy saying, “Spinal conditions should be taken very seriously by our military. Extremely physical demands are asked of all of us, and back issues caused by guys with huge asses shouldn’t be detrimental to the readiness of the force. People need to have normal bodies to protect our country.”
The pending changes may be far reaching, possibly trickling into law enforcement as well. This will be the first time this pressing matter will be addressed primarily by certified military health professionals — many of them trained physicians and scientists.
“We are taking a slightly different perspective on this, focusing on the health of our military members and what may impact that. What determinants can we identify quickly and easily that would relate to predispositions for injury or illness?” one defense official said.
This official, who requested anonymity because the internal proceedings are still confidential and some final decisions are yet to be made, also hinted at a few other new tests which could further limit military service. Among those mentioned, a common sense test, an ingrown hair test, and a flammability test seem to be the frontrunners for new military-service qualifications.
*This piece is purely satire. Don’t believe a thing.
“You can look around and see all the soldiers that are bulging out of their ABU pants,” said Dr. Leonard Jefferson, a professor of fitness and human ecology at Yale University who has studied military nutrition and body composition. “They must do something about it.”
Seaman Matthew Jolistein of the United States Coast Guard praised the new policy saying, “Spinal conditions should be taken very seriously by our military. Extremely physical demands are asked of all of us, and back issues caused by guys with huge asses shouldn’t be detrimental to the readiness of the force. People need to have normal bodies to protect our country.”
The pending changes may be far reaching, possibly trickling into law enforcement as well. This will be the first time this pressing matter will be addressed primarily by certified military health professionals — many of them trained physicians and scientists.
“We are taking a slightly different perspective on this, focusing on the health of our military members and what may impact that. What determinants can we identify quickly and easily that would relate to predispositions for injury or illness?” one defense official said.
This official, who requested anonymity because the internal proceedings are still confidential and some final decisions are yet to be made, also hinted at a few other new tests which could further limit military service. Among those mentioned, a common sense test, an ingrown hair test, and a flammability test seem to be the frontrunners for new military-service qualifications.
*This piece is purely satire. Don’t believe a thing.
Posted 8 y ago
Responses: 43
So you mean to tell me that a person with a big ass can't serve his/her country honorably yet transgenderes can? what happened to everyone should be offereded the opportunity to serve. SMH.
(18)
(0)
Guess that makes Beyonce and some of the Kardashians ineligible. What next? Thighs? That would eliminate gymnasts and speed skaters. They need to make the uniforms fit reality, not the other way around. I had a Polynesian Master Chief who had an oil drum for his body. His measurements always said toss. Thing was his BMI was 6 and he was pure muscle. BTW one look at him and you'd know that nobody ever messed with him.
Yep, can't get that song out of my mind either "Bertha.... Bertha Butt.... One of the Butt Sisters."
Yep, can't get that song out of my mind either "Bertha.... Bertha Butt.... One of the Butt Sisters."
(14)
(0)
Can they do the job? I knew guys 280 pounds who outrun and outmatch someone with 6% body fat.
(10)
(0)
SGT (Join to see)
CH (CPT) (Join to see) - They are out there. Have you ever seen Chase Young from Ohio State? Lol!
(1)
(0)
I hope that is just for having a big ass. Because if we get rid of people for BEING a big ass we are going to run out of NCO'S really quick.
(9)
(0)
Hey, Hey, Hey! I have a Shapely Arse Now Thank You! Not the Wooden Board Flat Ass that I had as a Navy 5K Runner. I have the Perfect Form for a Life Experience Gentleman!
(9)
(0)
I would love to see the counseling statement chaptering a woman for having some bootie...now be the man that tells another one he has too much.....this should be good lol
(9)
(0)
(2)
(0)
SSG Warren Swan
SFC John Hill - Breasts would be my tipping point. I don't think I could honestly chapter a woman for large breasts. Hell I'd like to see who comes up with the boob scale. I wonder how many men would be on it?
(2)
(0)
SPC Wanda Vergara-Yates
SSG Warren Swan - Some time after we got married, in response to some of my back issues, my husband mentioned that he was surprised I hadn't looked into a possible breast reduction as it did make me top-heavy and at disadvantage for some things. However, for me, my determination to turn my weaknesses into strengths as much as possible helped me to excel throughout my career. Until I fell, landed wrong, and crushed cartilage in my bum, I was good to go. After that, well, that was why I decided to leave the active reserves. I preferred not to ride a profile or stay in the profile platoon, especially since that could affect my unit's mission effectiveness during deployments. It hurt to do, but I don't regret the decision that was right. Still, I sometimes wonder if taking a little off the boob might allevieate some of that pain on the hindside...
(1)
(0)
Read This Next