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We have all been there - the anger, the hate, sorrow and depression, the frustration towards others who do not understand us, but is that fair? Who are we making responsible for our condition? Have we been left to deal with this condition ourselves, as many say? I think so, but I also think that it is often too easy to use this condition as an identifier as to what we are, not who we are.
I have been rated at 70% for PTSD as a combat vet. The following is how I see the way forward for me and I hope it will help some of you. Some of you may hate me for saying some of it, and I understand where you are coming from because I have been there too.
After a few suicide attempts (which were actually attention getting acts), I quickly realized that I am only hurting my possible future and myself if I keep wallowing in self-sorrow and hurt. I stopped looking at the photos of the past and identifying myself as a combat vet instead of Steven. I stopped hanging out only with vets who “understand me” because that was blocking my forward motion. I stopped walking around with a chip on my shoulder. But most importantly of all, I stopped blaming other people, the Army, and anything else for what I am because I knew I needed to work on who I am in order to get ahead, and that became my focus.
Don’t get me wrong, I have days where I could explode and sometimes do. I have days where getting out of bed to go to work is so painful and so pointless that I could easily just roll over and say, “screw it” but I don’t. I know that, if I did, it would be just the beginning of a long downhill spiral effect that would drive me back to where I came from. It would make it next to impossible to be productive for my family and my job, but most of all it would ruin my life. So in the end I have the choice.
I am not a doctor or a psychologist, I am only speaking my opinion but my advice to anyone fighting PTSD is the following: Never feel sorry for yourself. Anger towards others is a waste of time and energy. Looking back at what was, speaking about it every day, wearing the combat vet t-shirts - the constant reminder of “how good it was” - may make you feel better, but it makes your life a constant struggle.
Yes, civilians will never understand, but can you change that? No, so move on. You feel you got screwed over in the Army for this and that, but can you change it? No, so move on. The VA is not accepting your rating, not paying you, not believing you or whatever else, can you change it? Yes you can, but not with hate, anger, screaming or yelling.
Our society believes we are a danger. Some of us like that title – heck, some of us need that title because the military was all we may have ever had as far as an identity. We were special and now we are civilians and no one understands us, they just don’t know. That’s just it though, they don’t know, so either educate them in a meaningful manner or don’t hold it against them and move on. We won’t change anything by being angry and hurting ourselves, so let’s go and get our lives back!
As I was writing this article I actually got a call from my CEO stating that my obvious PTSD is a problem and they need to let me go. It goes without saying this shocked me, but did not surprise me. I am, therefore, positive this is simply a door that needed to close and I am looking with excitement into the future.
We dictate our own realities - no one else can or will really help us, only we can. So make the conscious decision and stand up, be that soldier, warrior and fighter you are and go for the gold. Don’t take no for an answer, accept nothing less from yourself than you expect from others. We can and will be successful, we will prevail, and not because of the stigma but despite the stigma!
Make your plan for life and follow it, set targets, goals, and benchmarks. It is time to stand up and take your life back. Don’t know where to start? Start within yourself and get the anger out. You’re not alone but remember, just complaining to another vet who tells his stories back to you is not going to help you no matter what all these “help sessions” may proclaim. If you feel it helps, then take a deep look at what exactly is being helped. It is probably the short-term frustration - you get to shout and get it out but that solves nothing. It is like getting revenge - it may make you feel better for a short time, but we all know it is wrong and you usually feel remorse afterwards.
So now how do you move forward? You want to yell at me? Write it down. You want to insult me? Go for it. Just know that I am here for you no matter what. If you truly wish to learn more about how to live with PTSD and function in society, I may be able to help. Your hate will only destroy you, not me or anyone else, so please refrain from the emotional explosions that I know all too well. I am writing this as an offer of help, in whatever way it may help, that’s it.
What are the biggest struggles you’ve faced while dealing with PTSD?
I have been rated at 70% for PTSD as a combat vet. The following is how I see the way forward for me and I hope it will help some of you. Some of you may hate me for saying some of it, and I understand where you are coming from because I have been there too.
After a few suicide attempts (which were actually attention getting acts), I quickly realized that I am only hurting my possible future and myself if I keep wallowing in self-sorrow and hurt. I stopped looking at the photos of the past and identifying myself as a combat vet instead of Steven. I stopped hanging out only with vets who “understand me” because that was blocking my forward motion. I stopped walking around with a chip on my shoulder. But most importantly of all, I stopped blaming other people, the Army, and anything else for what I am because I knew I needed to work on who I am in order to get ahead, and that became my focus.
Don’t get me wrong, I have days where I could explode and sometimes do. I have days where getting out of bed to go to work is so painful and so pointless that I could easily just roll over and say, “screw it” but I don’t. I know that, if I did, it would be just the beginning of a long downhill spiral effect that would drive me back to where I came from. It would make it next to impossible to be productive for my family and my job, but most of all it would ruin my life. So in the end I have the choice.
I am not a doctor or a psychologist, I am only speaking my opinion but my advice to anyone fighting PTSD is the following: Never feel sorry for yourself. Anger towards others is a waste of time and energy. Looking back at what was, speaking about it every day, wearing the combat vet t-shirts - the constant reminder of “how good it was” - may make you feel better, but it makes your life a constant struggle.
Yes, civilians will never understand, but can you change that? No, so move on. You feel you got screwed over in the Army for this and that, but can you change it? No, so move on. The VA is not accepting your rating, not paying you, not believing you or whatever else, can you change it? Yes you can, but not with hate, anger, screaming or yelling.
Our society believes we are a danger. Some of us like that title – heck, some of us need that title because the military was all we may have ever had as far as an identity. We were special and now we are civilians and no one understands us, they just don’t know. That’s just it though, they don’t know, so either educate them in a meaningful manner or don’t hold it against them and move on. We won’t change anything by being angry and hurting ourselves, so let’s go and get our lives back!
As I was writing this article I actually got a call from my CEO stating that my obvious PTSD is a problem and they need to let me go. It goes without saying this shocked me, but did not surprise me. I am, therefore, positive this is simply a door that needed to close and I am looking with excitement into the future.
We dictate our own realities - no one else can or will really help us, only we can. So make the conscious decision and stand up, be that soldier, warrior and fighter you are and go for the gold. Don’t take no for an answer, accept nothing less from yourself than you expect from others. We can and will be successful, we will prevail, and not because of the stigma but despite the stigma!
Make your plan for life and follow it, set targets, goals, and benchmarks. It is time to stand up and take your life back. Don’t know where to start? Start within yourself and get the anger out. You’re not alone but remember, just complaining to another vet who tells his stories back to you is not going to help you no matter what all these “help sessions” may proclaim. If you feel it helps, then take a deep look at what exactly is being helped. It is probably the short-term frustration - you get to shout and get it out but that solves nothing. It is like getting revenge - it may make you feel better for a short time, but we all know it is wrong and you usually feel remorse afterwards.
So now how do you move forward? You want to yell at me? Write it down. You want to insult me? Go for it. Just know that I am here for you no matter what. If you truly wish to learn more about how to live with PTSD and function in society, I may be able to help. Your hate will only destroy you, not me or anyone else, so please refrain from the emotional explosions that I know all too well. I am writing this as an offer of help, in whatever way it may help, that’s it.
What are the biggest struggles you’ve faced while dealing with PTSD?
PTSD
Suicide
PTS
Stress
Command Post
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 76
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I think that you have hit upon the best way to help yourself. With this posting you are helping others. Seems like a helluva good plan. Keep it up...
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As a Civilian Nurse, It has been my experience that PTSD is a condition. It is not an identifier as it is "something that happened to you." It ine you..does not defin
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First, we have to admit there's a problem. Then, it takes many of us a long time to figure out what that problem is. Having a name for it is important, so we don't feel alone and we know that not just our attitudes but our bodies, our BRAIN CHEMISTRY, has changed.
That's not an excuse, it's just a fact. That's not to say we should let it get us down. We do, however, deserve to be gentle to ourselves and to be honest. We can still accomplish a lot. We can still have meaningful friendships, including with civilians, although, through no fault of their own, they can't understand us fully. We still have a lot to live and a lot to give.
That's not an excuse, it's just a fact. That's not to say we should let it get us down. We do, however, deserve to be gentle to ourselves and to be honest. We can still accomplish a lot. We can still have meaningful friendships, including with civilians, although, through no fault of their own, they can't understand us fully. We still have a lot to live and a lot to give.
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Here's the kicker for me. I have it. But I often hear stories from buddies of mine who were in things deeper and more harsh than I. So I tend to tell myself to pony up and quit bitching. I didn't have to dig up old graves with my bare hands. I didn't kick doors in. I didn't have to shoot at little kids because they left me no choice. My conditions weren't as hard as some others. So I tell myself that I shouldn't complain. I tell myself that I don't suffer. I don't deserve to take up the psychologists time. I bottle it up. Then I explode. I've come to the realization that people react differently. That I saw my share of shit. I'm an alpha male. King of my domain. A real bad ass. But what point do I draw the line and say, I'm really struggling with this. I luckily have no thoughts of suicide other than being a martyr and taking out an ass load of those jihad bastards with me when I go. But I don't want to off myself without a worthy cause. Some of my brothers and sisters are less fortunate. Some see no escape. And my heart breaks for them and their families. Ptsd is real. It always has been. We saw a flux of suicides after the Vietnam war. War is hell. There's no cure for visions of our war memories. There's only help coping. I hope you all find the help you need. I hope I do too.
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SGT Steven Eugene Kuhn MBA
MSG (Join to see) - You are speaking like most of us think, i is normal to think we do not deserve it, there is always someone who did just a bit more, or a bit worse.
The sense of Entitlement sometimes seen in some veterans is hard to understand for this reason but far be it from me to judge.
All I know is that when you have it, you know it. Embrace it, work on it and do what you can to stay healthy and never compare your actions to another, you will never feel good about it either way.
I wish you all the Best, thank you for the open words, very compelling!
Steady on,
Steven
The sense of Entitlement sometimes seen in some veterans is hard to understand for this reason but far be it from me to judge.
All I know is that when you have it, you know it. Embrace it, work on it and do what you can to stay healthy and never compare your actions to another, you will never feel good about it either way.
I wish you all the Best, thank you for the open words, very compelling!
Steady on,
Steven
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Does anyone have an opinion on the differences of PTSD or any other mental issues between 1. Assault Sexual Physical Mental service member on service member especially from senior to junior who feels trapped and can not remove him or herself from the situation in any meaningful way on a ship in the desert etc...2. PTSD from combat theathre otherwise you were well received and accepted by your squad team LT brigade division department...
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PO3 Aaron Hassay
I think it is a worthy discussion about different types and outcomes. I guess I was naive and easy picking when I was younger for bullies, from sexual harrasment, to physical threats, a death threat mentioning of a personal firearm off the ship, and eventually a physical mental assault from the e9 when I was like an e3 or e4. These events on top of the Combat Operational Stress of running an active fully operational Navy Combat Ship molded shaped me. I did not see it coming. I could not prepare for it. It happened over the course of 18-22 years old. I took it all in. I was not a complainer. I tried to work with ingest, even the hell, that can be lamented on a kids brain, who does not have good screens or defense mechanisms, or copign mechanisms. Maybe all those guys had bully father figures? Maby all those guys were brought up in bad households? All I know is it messed with me and I had no answers. I changed and here I am on SSDI, and suicide hospital, and a better street fighter then anything else, broke on 900 a month with an anxiety mood disorder, and I never mentioned I was assaulted in the military or that I even served at all when I applied to SSDI. That is how hard I blanked, until I read 2013 VA web site saying PTSD is caused by personal Assault. Including there are many symptoms of VA web based PTSD from Assault Symptoms to include requesting change of duty station and loosing your primary relationship. Indeed I did both, in the same year that assault happened. Then that month 2013, my life freaking made sense. I went from beign a high school varisty athlete, yes no dad, to winning the "meritorious paygrade advancement best recruit award" graduating 1994, never smoked never was drunk once, to trying to transfer into the ARMY from the NAVY 4 years later for no specific reason, other then "GET ME OUT OF HERE" to the Army Recruiter "I am done with this" "I need a change" I am loosing my ass". And I was PSYCH DQd and Physically DQd also for spine and muskoskeletal. And I was 22. And there were no instructions given to me from the MEPS or the Recruiter when they, to my complete and utter surprise, shock cold dismay, still with military obligated service of 4 years remaining, DQd me. I have not recovered. I got worse. Who do I thank for this? What do I do with this? I have a basket that I take on the street to ask for money. I am 38. I just wanted a stable life.
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Consider this a PSA... happened to channel surf 10/02/15 and came upon OANN (One America News Network) and the host , Rick Amato, was interviewing a doctor and a combat veteran about new treatment for PTSD referred as MRT ( magnetic Resonance Therapy).
The Vet stated he had been undergoing traditional treatment/counseling for 8 years and after 2 weeks of this new MRT he was way closer to normal than all previous methods. The Dr. stated the treatment is FREE for vets and currently only being given in Newport Beach California site, but they expect a full roll out in 2016 of the program with more facilities available. Currently they have 5 slots/month available with 4-5 month backlog.
More can be found at http://www.braintreatmentcenter.com/ptsd/tbi.html
BTC Brain Treatment Center - USC Center For Neurorestoration....... braintreatmentcenter.com
I hope this is helpful to all in need.
The Vet stated he had been undergoing traditional treatment/counseling for 8 years and after 2 weeks of this new MRT he was way closer to normal than all previous methods. The Dr. stated the treatment is FREE for vets and currently only being given in Newport Beach California site, but they expect a full roll out in 2016 of the program with more facilities available. Currently they have 5 slots/month available with 4-5 month backlog.
More can be found at http://www.braintreatmentcenter.com/ptsd/tbi.html
BTC Brain Treatment Center - USC Center For Neurorestoration....... braintreatmentcenter.com
I hope this is helpful to all in need.
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Pvt Richard Hy
Hope it can help and give some direction for those in need. I believe this is the intention/desire of RP
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Very well said. 20 years of this and I finally feel that I am getting a better hold of this.
Thank you very much for sharing.
Thank you very much for sharing.
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PTSD has been classified as a disorder by the shrinks and can appear in both military and civilians. The differences are subtle but in my opinion, those who have served in combat and experienced multiple incidents of trauma are more susceptible to PTSD and the disorder can be more severe and last much longer, a life time, without treatment. Even then, treatment may not work for service members. I know many of my brothers and sisters who served in Vietnam have the disorder and it has impacted their entire lives. Most of us have not sought treatment for a variety of reasons. I can say my PTSD is not as severe as it was when I first returned from Vietnam, but it is nevertheless, still with me. I will say that as I age, the symptoms seem to be more frequent that they were for a 25 year period in my life. I have learned to cope and I talk to other buddies who have similar experiences and that helps me cope.
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SGT Steven Eugene Kuhn MBA
I do wish you well SSG William Patton , realizing this is your current situation is a huge step in dealing with it, and with that I wish you the very best my friend!
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SGT (Join to see)
At the VA here in Houston most shrinks tell us it's a form of mental illness. It's the unseen wound. Our scars are in our mind. I am better off a lot more now than when I first went to the VA but it's something I wanted to do for myself. I was disappointed when I found out it would always be with me. I try not to dwell on anything but sometimes your mind seems to have a mind of its own. It was worst for me too after I had to quit working and didn't have anything to do but go to the VA. I hope you can find some peacefulness some way, some how. Stay in touch. We are each other's support.
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PO3 Aaron Hassay
My dad I found and met when I was in my 30s I found out is was Vietnam Combat Vet 100 percent 1 year before I met him. He slipped out of my life when I was 10 as my mom left him when he was melting and unsafe as it was relayed to me. And he cooberated that I was copying his ways by that age and he felt bad and better to get out of my life and slip away, and not be a bad influence. I could of used him when I was assaulted as an e3 by the e9 on the Navy Ship when I was 21. I could of used a father figure to discuss such bullying with and entrapment from an older man who was not my dad. But he was not around. I crumbled inside trapped by an older man and then men around me in general were threatening hence my anger and fighting in the streets to vent as my top had been blown by 22. I met my dad and he has survivors guilt. He would actually break down and 1 time or 2 times slightly mention that all his friends were gone stepping over bodies to get out of the helo etc etc..etc etc. and that is a different PTSD then I have. But then he was still all messed up and getting drunk and medicating. And we actually got physical with each other. A hammer was throwin in my direction and grazed my head. Things were said about my mom who raised me homeless a lot of times and always broke most of the time without any VA support or child support ever. I got really angry. But I am sure he felt abandoned. I have been dumped by my fiance a year after the assault when I was 22 with PTSD undiagnosed from assault in service that I never told anyone about and did not turn the guy in for fears of all sorts knowing it was a hopeless situation. I felt abondoned at my lowest by her, but also I knew inside i was hopeless and messed up and was not sure what to do and frozen and I could not make decisions anymore. But I am sure my dad also felt the same pain when his kids were gone and his wife and he was left with the torment of Vietnam undealt with or untreated. And then I found out my dad, his father, my grandfather I never met, had him out of wedlock, with a woman who did not want him and gave him up for adoption basically, and my grandfather was a WW11 Navy Sailor still enlisted when he fathered my dad. So I dont know what to do with this story as far as how to like relate to my dad. I stopped talking to him.
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I have suffered from PTSD long before I joined the Military but never mentioned it. I was sexually abused by a family member and just hid it away in my head..When I joined the Army and I was severely injured and was discharged honorably my PTSD was worse. I have been under the influence of 3 types of medications and still am. I feel like there is no real help. They just medicate you and talk and send you on your way. Where I live there is no help for veterans especially females.
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CPT Richard Riley
PFC Amy Rogers It may be difficult to find, but there should be something in your vicinity that can help you along the way. I will take some time in the next day or so to search out any resources in your neck of the woods and let you know what I find.
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SGT (Join to see)
Amy, I'm so sorry about your "situation" as a child. It's not really a situation, I understand that but I didn't know what else to put. I don't know where you live so I can't advise on a VA near you. Are the medications you are on prescriptions? I can advise this, stay with your friends that lift you up. They are your support group. If possible, reach out for help from a civilian doctor. I hate that you are so down and unhappy. If you're religious, go to a church, or if you don't want to go to a church because you don't like being around strangers, just pray. I'm not saying do these things, because it's none of my business about your personal life. But I do think since you posted this concern, you are reaching out for advise or help. I'll keep you in my prayers. I'm not a holy roller, but I do believe in God. It helped me and it can help you. God Bless. Keith
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PFC Amy Rogers
Yes SGT Keith Bodine all of the medications are prescribed to me....I have come to terms with the things I have been through..I have a good family and good friends and I do attend church but what I meant to say in my previous post was there IS VA hospitals ect but its as if they do not care for females (i can tell by the way they act and speak to me) I just think ALL veterans should get the help they need. I feel like the Army used me up and when I was broken and unable to do my duties they just threw me away and now that im disabled they dont want to help either.
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SGT Bryan Marshall
I feel as though the VA has to get their outlook straightened up, they should be HONORED to serve and help veteran's not act as though they have been voluntold to treat veteran's. Dear VA Members, if you don't like serving or helping veterans then go find another job because you are not doing your job at the VA if you are not HONORED to serve or help the veteran's who have served this country for the Freedoms that so many think are owed to them. Sincerely, A Combat Veteran.
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This is a great article. I think the only thing you left out is that forbidden word: help. If you're having a hard enough time that talking, venting, etc doesn't help, it's time to ask for help. All of us are programed to suck it up, drive on; help us for the weak, blah, blah, blah. Help us for those strong enough to ask for it. Believe me, I had a (and still have) a really hard time with this myself. I finally went to a vet center (separate from the VAMC) & got a therapist. I've never been so thankful for another human being. My therapist probably saved my life. So I'm challenging you: ask for help. Btw, Steven, thanks for this article, it is spot on!
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SGT Steven Eugene Kuhn MBA
Great feedback SGT Marika Waiters !
Indeed it is paramount we ask for help, I am guilty of "tufing" it out also!
Thank you for the insight!
Steven
Indeed it is paramount we ask for help, I am guilty of "tufing" it out also!
Thank you for the insight!
Steven
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