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I will never forget the day I opened my Facebook to find a message from my best friend saying good-bye. He had been struggling since his last deployment but asking for help wasn’t even an option in his mind. He thought he should just be able to “suck it up” like he did after every other deployment. He did for a while, and the world moved on around him, until he just couldn’t anymore. As luck, or fate, would have it, we were stationed in Korea when “sucking it up” turned to crisis and I saw the message almost instantly. But for a single, terrifying moment I thought I lost the person who was more a brother to me than my own blood. The one who interrogated me about the soldier I was dating, then wordlessly settled the check over ‘rock, paper, scissors’ the first time they met. The reason I am even in this field today.
This single moment shaped both our lives and handed us each a new fight. His started with getting help and challenging what he thought he knew about toughness. Mine was going to school to become a military social worker so I could help break the stigma that almost took my friend. Despite the strides we have made, we still lose too many in our community to the wounds of war. Inside I question, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED?
The challenge I put to those I speak with is this: What would you do if you broke your leg? Go to the doctor. Your child has a tooth ache? Go to the dentist. Your wife has postpartum depression? Go to behavioral health. These are perfectly acceptable and reasonable decisions most people make. Yet when it comes to the wounds that we feel but cannot see, we call it weakness. We shove it down. We suffer in silence. We don’t follow our own advice. So, I ask, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU DESERVE?
In the military community we hear a lot about readiness and resilience, but I think it is time we add wellness to this conversation. It is incredibly difficult to transition out of active service, find employment, raise a family, earn promotions, have a happy marriage, or just enjoy life if our mental health is suffering. Our wellness impacts every part of our life. So, I challenge, WHAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM THE LIFE YOU EARNED?
While prepping for this post, I asked my husband what he does as a senior NCO to shift the perception of mental health in his unit. He said, “The days of suffering alone are over. It isn’t about weakness but strength. You can be physically fit but that doesn’t mean you are mentally fit. I need mentally fit soldiers. So, I tell them about my experience and how it helped me.” This is my final challenge. As leaders, we need to lead from the front by sharing our stories, shifting the language, and supporting our friends, brothers, sisters, and communities when we are struggling. Suicide prevention is all our responsibility and we are in this fight together.
If you or someone you know in the Washington State area needs support for their mental fitness, please reach out to my team by calling us at [login to see] or emailing us at [login to see] We are veterans and military family members ourselves. We get it and are here to help you get back to better. Learn more about our local services at https://rly.pt/ValleyCitiesCohenClinic
If you, or someone you know, is in need of confidential counseling and therapy in an additional location, you can find a clinic here: https://rly.pt/CohenClinics
If someone is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop now and call 9-1-1.
Please contact the VA Veterans Crisis Line at: [login to see] Press 1
This single moment shaped both our lives and handed us each a new fight. His started with getting help and challenging what he thought he knew about toughness. Mine was going to school to become a military social worker so I could help break the stigma that almost took my friend. Despite the strides we have made, we still lose too many in our community to the wounds of war. Inside I question, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED?
The challenge I put to those I speak with is this: What would you do if you broke your leg? Go to the doctor. Your child has a tooth ache? Go to the dentist. Your wife has postpartum depression? Go to behavioral health. These are perfectly acceptable and reasonable decisions most people make. Yet when it comes to the wounds that we feel but cannot see, we call it weakness. We shove it down. We suffer in silence. We don’t follow our own advice. So, I ask, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU DESERVE?
In the military community we hear a lot about readiness and resilience, but I think it is time we add wellness to this conversation. It is incredibly difficult to transition out of active service, find employment, raise a family, earn promotions, have a happy marriage, or just enjoy life if our mental health is suffering. Our wellness impacts every part of our life. So, I challenge, WHAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM THE LIFE YOU EARNED?
While prepping for this post, I asked my husband what he does as a senior NCO to shift the perception of mental health in his unit. He said, “The days of suffering alone are over. It isn’t about weakness but strength. You can be physically fit but that doesn’t mean you are mentally fit. I need mentally fit soldiers. So, I tell them about my experience and how it helped me.” This is my final challenge. As leaders, we need to lead from the front by sharing our stories, shifting the language, and supporting our friends, brothers, sisters, and communities when we are struggling. Suicide prevention is all our responsibility and we are in this fight together.
If you or someone you know in the Washington State area needs support for their mental fitness, please reach out to my team by calling us at [login to see] or emailing us at [login to see] We are veterans and military family members ourselves. We get it and are here to help you get back to better. Learn more about our local services at https://rly.pt/ValleyCitiesCohenClinic
If you, or someone you know, is in need of confidential counseling and therapy in an additional location, you can find a clinic here: https://rly.pt/CohenClinics
If someone is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop now and call 9-1-1.
Please contact the VA Veterans Crisis Line at: [login to see] Press 1
PTSD
Mental Health
Military Family
Cohen Veterans Network
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 103
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well I go to the VA schedule an appointment. Show up to my appointment only to find that its been cancelled, rescheduled. Then VA reschedules my reschedule without letting me know. Then eventually I get scheduled and have an appointment but like OMG the provider is running behind, fine normal, I'm used to it and then someone asks me if this is my fathers insurance or where is my husband. Trick question, I'm the veteran. Rude.
The waiting room is a straight circus, the doctors are clowns, and the nurses bust their booties all well being undermined by Hawaii VA's most inept doctors. Thats why I'll just skip this whole mess and go to a witch doctor or maybe if I'm lucky the local elementary school will have a school nurse. Women's Clinic on Oahu is an absolute joke, the new Veterans Choice program is too confusing to be useful (I go to the town halls, read the emails, ask friends... nope dont get it).
Veterans Affairs Women's healthcare is a slap in the face. Veterans Affairs is not prepared for Women Veterans, its just not. The nurses are working their butts off, I feel like they deserve a lot more credit but the doctors are just not good.
The waiting room is a straight circus, the doctors are clowns, and the nurses bust their booties all well being undermined by Hawaii VA's most inept doctors. Thats why I'll just skip this whole mess and go to a witch doctor or maybe if I'm lucky the local elementary school will have a school nurse. Women's Clinic on Oahu is an absolute joke, the new Veterans Choice program is too confusing to be useful (I go to the town halls, read the emails, ask friends... nope dont get it).
Veterans Affairs Women's healthcare is a slap in the face. Veterans Affairs is not prepared for Women Veterans, its just not. The nurses are working their butts off, I feel like they deserve a lot more credit but the doctors are just not good.
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Nichole Ayres
First, I am so sorry that this as been your experience. Even more so that this is not uncommon. But also thank you for taking apart of the process and trying to be apart of improving services for veterans, especially female veterans. The assumption that veteran = male is something that we have been very intentional about in how we approach care in our clinic. Additionally, you are spot on regarding access being a significant barrier to care. It is hard enough to reach out for help, it is even harder if you don't get the care that you need. Thank you for sharing you insights and experience.
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PO3 Lindsey Mathews
I just try to keep a sense of humor about it, its kinda funny in retrospect. I'm just grateful for everyday. Mahalo for your kind words Nicole Ayres
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Nichole Ayres
PO3 Lindsey Mathews - Honestly my experience has been that is some of the greatest strengths in the military community - humor and flexibility. And just to put on your radar, my organization is working on opening a clinic on Oahu. We already serve a large number of women veterans and get some of the unique challenges. Might be an option if you or someone you know needs some behavioral health support in the future. Mahalo.
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Nichole Ayres
I can relate, as a therapist I know that I can be one challenging patient. I have had a bad habit of thinking, "I know what they are going to say so I can do it myself." But doing it alone just doesn't work. Not even for me. I am glad you were able to reach out and thank you so much for sharing.
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Because we think that we can handle it. We had a call a couple of years ago for a deputy sheriff that had been shot by a thug he was arresting. We set up an lz but as the chopper was circling to land they were waved off because the ambulance crew had started cpr. The deputy was declared dead at the hospital...and he was a friend of mine. Now I don't remember why but we ended up at our neighboring fire station and our chief asked if anyone wanted to talk to a stress debriefer and when he asked me I started to cry. If he hadn't asked me directly I'd have gone home and been messed up for a few days. Most any first responder has seen his share of death and it does build on you...in my case I've been a fatal accident photographer for the NCSHP for almost thirty five years and I've seen way more than most firemen. But this was my friend and I still think back to the days when we'd sit at a local restaurant and talk guns and fire and criminals.
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Nichole Ayres
Thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry for your loss. We can experience many stressful or traumatic events and never really know the one that is going to stick with us. I'm often asked in therapy, "Why this [event]? Why not before?" And really it is different for everyone. What you said about 'we think we can handle it' is so spot on to many experiences. People also often feel like the "should" just be able to handle it or that there are other people more servings of help which all serve as barriers to care.
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Sgt Frank Staples
Thank you. He was a good friend and I think of him often. First responders see so much more than civilians can ever imagine and it does build up within you. We preach all the time about talking it out and sharing our strength but we still, individually, like to think that nothing affects us. I see the suicide factor of our military and think often that these guys should stand together with their friends and not let experiences deprive the world of fathers and sons and mothers and wives. I urge everyone to talk out the feelings that come with combat or emergency responses.
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SGT Keith Smith
And your friend is very glad that you still honor him by remembering him. You friends and your family are also proud that your that way. Do you also wish that someone remembers you?
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Sgt Frank Staples
I would hope so even knowing that only the famous or infamous are remembered for long. I would hope some of the guys would sit around the kitchen table and say "Remember when Frank backed into the mailbox with 216?" Or some such. There's a lot of stuff that I've gotten into in my thirty years...most of which can be recalled in public. In the next couple of days we will be burying a fire Captain from a neighboring department who was killed in an accident Wednesday. He was a good guy and well liked and about every fireman in the area knew him. The stories have already started and some have been put on facebook. He will get a line of duty funeral and afterwards we'll sit around our stations and talk bullcrap about " hey, you remember the day Lanny did?" Life goes on.
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Thank you for the post.... I was in the "shove it down and carry on" camp for 33 years. I was able to carry on I thought, but was not necessarily as good as it could have been. I have brought it to light and started getting help. Still rough at times, but going forward. Some are not as lucky to find coping mechanisms and think there is no other way out. Maybe it is time to have some regular visits to a therapist for those coming out of combat areas, AND those transitioning to civilian life. Any stigma associated with a therapist will be gone if it is part of the normal PCS and ETS orders for ALL military personnel.
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Nichole Ayres
ABSOLUTELY! I could not agree with you more regarding the need to normalize talking to a therapist and you pinpointed two of the most critical transitions. While as a civilian provider I have limited ability intervene during redeployment, locally we are trying to make an impact during the transition to civilian life. People underestimate the impact mental health can have on transition as well as the impact transition can have on mental health. If we really think about it, depression can be extremely detrimental to something like employ ability if it comes across during interviews. When then impacts financial stability, relationships, self worth... everything is connected. Thank you so much for your comments and sharing your experience.
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Thanks for sharing this story, Nichole Ayres. After hearing your husband's perspective, I'm hopeful that this new leadership approach will encourage more troops to seek help sooner in their careers. Thank you and the CVN team for all you do!
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Nichole Ayres
Thank you for your support. I am hopeful as well that we can shift this idea that seeking support means damage to seeking support can lead to a service member being more effective in their job and live leading to a fuller career.
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People often fail to take action for the things that need addressing!
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Nichole Ayres
Absolutely. I think often times we just don't know what we don't know. We think that things are "normal" or will eventually just get better. Other times we don't even recognize it until the world starts to fall down around us. It is really tough. I think one step we need to take is making talking to a counselor for depression as normal as going to the dentist for a tooth ache. Why is one more deserving of stigma than the other? Its all about our health. Thanks for your contribution!
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Excellent share. Read and heed brothers and sisters. We're all in this together... and we never judge each other. We just share a special deep respect for each other. Some people call it love.
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Nichole Ayres
Thank you for your comment. It is absolutely a special community and a love like no other.
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Well for me it was very hard for me to ask for help. I retired in 1997 and when I came home everyone was just looking at me( to me that is) they were not but people hadn't seen me for over 21 years and I was a different person. Also most people I knew where prior service and you just didn't ask for help. So after DS and OIF the doctors and VA and other people started learning that we all had seen some very bad things. So in 2006 I finally went to the VA mental health cause I was at that point also. So in saying all of this a lot of us just don't want people feeling bad, or have pity on us. In saying all of this I have went through two divorces, tried doing bad things and when I got help cause a good friend also a combat veteran took me too the local VFW and found out that there were other's like me and I am now remarried and have been for over 6 years and with her family and my doctor from long beach I am doing so so so much better so if see someone or know someone with signs get them to the hospital, or VA anyway you can get them too understand that we all need help at sometime in our life. Last thing is make them understand that you care for them and that both of you can make it through this!
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Nichole Ayres
Thank you so much for stepping up and sharing your experience. It is so incredibly powerful to know that you are not alone. That while no two people will experience things the same, but that someone else gets it. I truly think it is a big part as to why at our clinic, our veteran therapists do such great work. Not only are they great therapists but they have been there as well. I am so glad that you were able to find that support and be here to share that message with others.
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I think many former military people , especially those living in rural areas like to hunt, target practice , desire a home defense weapon or just enjoy plinking. The way things are today if a person tries to get help for any kind of mental issues , they risk getting their firearms confiscated so they just go on as best as they can.
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Nichole Ayres
You raise a good point. I also think this points to a huge misunderstanding regarding the relationship between mental health/PTSD and weapons. As a licensed mental health professional - I am not taking anyone's weapons. Ever. However, people often think that we can or that if you have certain diagnosis, you cannot have weapons. This is untrue. Where mental health and weapons intersect is in the legal system. Essentially if someone has been deemed a serous risk to self or others AND unable to agree to be safe or keep them self safe - there are laws that require providers to act in order to prevent harm. In my practice experience, long before we ever get there, we are having conversations around safety especially if someone has thoughts of suicide or a history of suicidal behavior. We call it lethal means counseling. The first step is setting the 'rules of engagement.' For example, we do not allow weapons in our clinic but individuals can store them in their car during their appointment. This also means that the person I am working with tells me what their rules are and from their point of view, when should I start being concerns about safety. We know that the majority of veterans who die by suicide, use a firearm. So really the goal is for the veteran to have a plan to limit access to their weapons (give to a friend to hold, gun case, storing items separately, etc.) during a crisis, then going back to your activities once things are stabilized. This should always include the person served and their support system vs just a dictate by a provider. Thank you for sharing your insights.
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SGT Keith Smith
Nichole Ayres - I know this is going to sound nuts. I know many a vet that has stated that just the act of firing a firearm helps. Strange that but true. It works because we are taught a specific way of firing. You have to concentrate, breath right, calm yourself and steady yourself. We are or should be completely in the moment and all that there is me and my target. I have also found repetitive activities help mainly casting. Either a lure or a net.
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Nichole Ayres War is not the ONLY source of traumatic experiences. Often times people bring baggage with them into the service. As a retired US Chief Navy Corpsman I cannot tell how many times sailors and marines have came to me knocking at my sickbay door at zero-dark-thirty needing to talk. Sometimes, it was about just needing an ear and someone who would not judge them. Other times, they knew they needed help and that I may not be the person to given the help they really needed, but they knew I would keep them safe in sickbay until I could get them the help they needed.
SGT Ben Keen is 100% correct people don't often get help immediately. Largely because of the fear of "...being labeled...." Our society talks about mental health but then punishes those who gain the courage to reach out, only to have doors slammed in their faces.
Ms. Nichole Ayres you are right regarding that there is some BS out there (aka people trying to get over); however, what PFC Donnie Harold Harris says when he uses "...Labeling is the quick descent into hell..." is very true. I have seen it too many times.
Finally, cpt-ken-landgren says "It has been my experience that soldiers with PTSD often fall into two camps: Treat them like they have no problem, or focus on their treatment." I would say that those with PTSD fall into three different kind of camps:
Camp 1 - Those that have a FAMILY, a COMMUNITY (aks Social Network) and a COMMAND (aka Workcenter) atmosphere that values their humanity and understands the frailty of that humanity who are ready, will and able to help them heal without bounds (aka unconditionally.) This is very rare! But, is the best situation where each of these centers is in harmony to support the other.
Camp 2 - Those that have a FAMILY, but may not have a COMMUNITY and/or a COMMAND (workcenter) atmosphere that values their humanity and understands the frailty of that humanity who are ready, will and able to help them heal without bounds (aka unconditionally.) This means that outside their family their support network breaks down in the community and/or in the command when others who are able to help either don't know how or will not help. This is somewhat common.
Camp 3 - Those that don't have a FAMILY, but do have, a COMMUNITY and/or a COMMAND (workcenter) atmosphere that values their humanity and understands the frailty of that humanity. People, whose family situations don't allow for their openness who force them to be silent inside that particular circle of "desired trust" only to share their pain with others, albeit in a safe space, often finding themselves at the most at risk and at odds with those they need to trust the most - family!
In closing, keep up your good work! There is a lot to still do:
- Each FAMILY needs to receive the tools to empower them to be better givers of care under difficult situations;
- Each COMMUNITY needs to set standards of wholistic caring that don't form the quicksand of pity; rather, creates the bulwark that recognizes their needs and works to empower the community to be better givers of support for the care that is needed; and,
- Each COMMAND (aka WORKCENTER) must set the tone and behaviors expected that sets a higher standard of engagement so that each member of a team can continue to feel productive and valued while at the same time get the help they need without fear with out labels!
All three of these camps as SGT Ben Keen articulated, impacts "...the fear of being labeled...":
- Labeled in the Family!
- Labeled in the Community!
- Labeled in the Command / Workcenter!
With so many opportunities to be labelled (usually negatively), there is little wonder why people often feel overwhelmed and unprepared to seek the healing they know they need, they want and they deserve!
Just a few words for your consideration.
SGT Ben Keen is 100% correct people don't often get help immediately. Largely because of the fear of "...being labeled...." Our society talks about mental health but then punishes those who gain the courage to reach out, only to have doors slammed in their faces.
Ms. Nichole Ayres you are right regarding that there is some BS out there (aka people trying to get over); however, what PFC Donnie Harold Harris says when he uses "...Labeling is the quick descent into hell..." is very true. I have seen it too many times.
Finally, cpt-ken-landgren says "It has been my experience that soldiers with PTSD often fall into two camps: Treat them like they have no problem, or focus on their treatment." I would say that those with PTSD fall into three different kind of camps:
Camp 1 - Those that have a FAMILY, a COMMUNITY (aks Social Network) and a COMMAND (aka Workcenter) atmosphere that values their humanity and understands the frailty of that humanity who are ready, will and able to help them heal without bounds (aka unconditionally.) This is very rare! But, is the best situation where each of these centers is in harmony to support the other.
Camp 2 - Those that have a FAMILY, but may not have a COMMUNITY and/or a COMMAND (workcenter) atmosphere that values their humanity and understands the frailty of that humanity who are ready, will and able to help them heal without bounds (aka unconditionally.) This means that outside their family their support network breaks down in the community and/or in the command when others who are able to help either don't know how or will not help. This is somewhat common.
Camp 3 - Those that don't have a FAMILY, but do have, a COMMUNITY and/or a COMMAND (workcenter) atmosphere that values their humanity and understands the frailty of that humanity. People, whose family situations don't allow for their openness who force them to be silent inside that particular circle of "desired trust" only to share their pain with others, albeit in a safe space, often finding themselves at the most at risk and at odds with those they need to trust the most - family!
In closing, keep up your good work! There is a lot to still do:
- Each FAMILY needs to receive the tools to empower them to be better givers of care under difficult situations;
- Each COMMUNITY needs to set standards of wholistic caring that don't form the quicksand of pity; rather, creates the bulwark that recognizes their needs and works to empower the community to be better givers of support for the care that is needed; and,
- Each COMMAND (aka WORKCENTER) must set the tone and behaviors expected that sets a higher standard of engagement so that each member of a team can continue to feel productive and valued while at the same time get the help they need without fear with out labels!
All three of these camps as SGT Ben Keen articulated, impacts "...the fear of being labeled...":
- Labeled in the Family!
- Labeled in the Community!
- Labeled in the Command / Workcenter!
With so many opportunities to be labelled (usually negatively), there is little wonder why people often feel overwhelmed and unprepared to seek the healing they know they need, they want and they deserve!
Just a few words for your consideration.
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