PTSD: A condition or an identifier?

MSgt I do highly agree that each person has their own darkness that causes the PTSD. But no one else can make your feet walk a step into the light. Only you can do that. IT is not easy either. Every time I would take a step forward out of the dark something would happen to remind me and back I would run into the darkness and feel lost in that darkness not being able to see in front of me. So I decided to turn on a dim light first and slowly work my way forward a bit at a time. I have been dealing with and working with this since before I ever heard the word PTSD come around. I new after reading it that this was me, the diagnosis was me. I cried and said this cant be forever. IT is however forever but baby step your way out of that darkness because somewhere in life there will be a person or something happen that will help lead you by the hand. I once listened to a song that was written and sang from Matt Williams who did two tours and had a friend commit suicide. That song touched my heart so much that I had to thank him for writing it. Please write down things on a sheet of paper that affect you, no one else has to see it if you don't want them to. Leave room to go back later and read it to yourself out loud and think about it. Think of ways that you can help yourself with it. What helps me or a doctors words may not be exactly what will work for you. You no yourself the best. Work on each step a bit at a time and go from there is all I can say. I will lift you in prayers as I do all of you each day. That is a way that also helps me. Makes me feel I help others too brings a bit of brightness to my heart. When one of the VA doctors told me he cant believe me still alive and I do no Im going to die from what happened there. I said to that Psychologist, you are not God and you can not tell me when I will die, who knows I could be on my home today and get in a car wreck and that will be my death. I try to find positives if I can. An old boyfriend still a friend calls it PMA positive mental attitude. Bless you I pray and angel comes to your darkness soon MSgt.

Dealing with a person who has PTSD due to sexual assault, having a person you can trust such as a spouse, is a huge help. You may be in the darkest of places but if there is somebody you can let into the darkness and help drive the demons out, you can get through it. From what I've dealt with and seen doing it alone is the hardest thing of all.

I don't think it can be done successfully alone. No way. IMHO

Sgt Keith Bodine, Back when I was having those symtoms no one called it or had PTSD programs to turn too. But I do agree with you it took a lot of loving friends to take time to show their love when I would get closed off.

Great points Jinger!

Jinger, nice thoughts and I do recognize my feelings, but no one can control intrusive thoughts and nightmares. They come when they desire, not by one's choosing.

I am very happy you found success and I am glad that whatever you resented is resolved.

Yoga is incredible for healing as it teaches so much that lacks in the "world"

That's a great thought George, I have been working with my Psych and we both agree that after 8 years on many of the same meds, it could be worsening the depression and also locking me into the dreams. We have been doing dream therapy and I have found some success by creating a door with light around it, in the dream that I can open and step out of the dream, touch my dog, and know all is good. Some meds dope you up too much and won't allow you to step out.

By the way Matt served and lost a buddy this way. So he is trying to reach out to anyone who thinks of taking their lives and he has written many songs from the military experiences and life experiences this man is incredible for as young as he is and I do hope this song will help someone here on RP

I eat less if my back is to the door, a great way to keep the pounds off. But then I'm very irritable because everyone else is enjoying their meal and I'm looking for reflections and any clues as to where and whats going on near the exits. It's hard to explain why I have to see the exits so sometimes its better to avoid or delay one conflict and grab a meal while you feel like eating, another issue, and hope everyone eats quick.

I took two friends to a very nice restaurant. As I walked into the door there was a young boy who was with his grandfather there. The first thing I try to do is keep (PMA) Positive Mental Attitude. And look for something right away to make the best of it upon entering. I do much crafting to help when I am at home. This young man had bought 50 items from the vending machine. I made a business offer to the grandfather and young boy. I said I would pay him .10 cents for every empty vending plastic container if they wanted to take the toys out and sell the empty containers to me. The grandfather looked at me in disbelief, the young boy at first thought it not good cause he wanted the toys I said honey I do not want the toys just the empty containers they come in and explained to him I use them for my miniature projects. His grandfather said yes they would the restaurant was so good they even brought the boy a take out container to put them in. He came to my table and told me it was 50 of them. I handed the boy $5 for them. He was so happy with the deal. The grandfather said thank you for teaching his grandson of honest dealings. But I was in a corner back to the wall the noise was giving me a headache my friends asked should we take it out when it was a steak dinner in a fancy place, my friends watch for my signs of trouble. They love me as I love them. I said no and explained to the friends how to much noise is hard because of my sensitive hearing it all becomes a loud mass of blurred sound. I can not have the tv on in one room and the radio on in another and talking too. So yes I do find myself looking for exits too and if they are in good standing I force myself threw it to tell myself it is not forever to be there in that spot and will be out of it when it is over. I only go out on good days and try each month to do this with different groups of friends each month. It is not healthy to stay in a room alone 24/7. Yes I have had attacks at times because I never no when they will come but I have friends that are wonderful. But I can not live in my bedroom to avoid the outside forever and I only go out two or three times a month. So I try to go with friends who understand. Hang in there SSG Paul Lanciault it will be ok. And it is ok to have problems because it is not your fault you are feeling this and you are not alone in the world trying your best. But I do believe you can and will make it threw.

Really good thanks..man..

I think I needed to hear that...this song you sang...

311 Beyond the Grey Skies have you heard of it???

.i just got sent a letter in the mail saying the VA health care system is going to look to terminate my health care because only for 1 reason..I was in the reserves status...for all 8 years...

They do not care to look any further on the hundreds of days spent working for and under active duty sailors on an active duty guided missle combat ship that was maintained at a hi state of readiness of war and any contigency. I was part of that crew in a part time role. I was the only sailor of 200 with no full time experience on my resume.

The ship did not slow down for me. I had to find ways to take my 2 days a month and catch up. Basically I became numb and confused just by the Combat Operational Stressors I would endure starting 18 years old after bootcamp.

But the VA health care system relies on laws that say I needed to endure 2 straight years of this.

The program I served under is eliminated by the way. It is completely erased. Infact my enlistment was eliminated the same year I signed it 1994 as reported in DOD MANPOWER REQUIREMENT REPORTS downloadable in google search. And if you do find it then search for key word MARINER. YOu will see that my enlistment was eliminated the same year I signed it fresh 8 year enlistment. I bought a car that was cancelled and all the support centers were cancelled the same year I bought that car I would later find out after I bought the car.

I am in on SSDI for anxiety disorder already not working only making 900 a month at 38 unable to trust or care that work will ever be a safe or good place for me
I have 2 herniations and disk degeneration diagonosed last year with MRI
I am diagosed in a written 2 page letter for PTSD from the VET center by an army officer, due my proof cooberating evidence, substantiating, I was assaulted by the active duty e9 on the ship.

All these events COS Combat Operational Stress and Assaults that I was exposed to monthly deployed at SEA for 48 hours starting 18 years old do not take 2 straight years of active duty to start breaking a young kid.

Then add on the fact that I did not have health care off the ship at 18. I did not have a professional job with health care and a doctor. I was to Naive and not a medical doctor to understand my anxiety symptoms that were developing and destroying my civilian life off the ship.

No matter what I said on the ship on physicals. nothing was treated or diagnosed.

And then they have the nerve to question me now and say and ask why I was not diagnosed in service and or treated? Guess what I was not able to tell the enlisted Corpsman or Doctors that controled my physicals how to do there job. They just ignored everything no matter what I wrote as symtpoms. As long as I was young enough and could still put my uniform on and follow orders without disobeying orders then I was considered "FIT FOR DUTY"

Then now that I talk about the 5 minute Assault after I found and finally become educated and aware in 2013 'VBA-21-0781a-Service Connection for PTSD Secondary Personal Assault' that indeed causes PTSD. Because that explains all my anger and black eyes and stuff and inablity to maintain work and then SSDI for anxiety disorder is explainable.

https://youtu.be/5Izea0vj9wo

Interesting----In NYC a Vet had insomnia and the state took away his guns. Glad I don't live in NY.

They can only take away the ones they know about. :)

It's more like a mystery; a sequelae of symptoms; a triad of multiple injuries; a syndrome. It is said that time heals all wounds...some wounds cannot and will not heal...no matter how strong the will is. I do think hyperbaric O2 would be a great acute treatment...

Funny you say that about the hyperbaric chamber. I actually take Ozone blood treatments and vitamin infusions intravenous and then in the hyperbaric chamber. It makes me feel physically better but does little to chase away the demons.

Cognitive therapy...teaching you how to think differently about what is happening, an experienced Therapist is needed for this...PTSD specialist. Even hypnosis can be effective if used in the right way.

At first with my PTSD the treatments that were online and some other classes did not really help alot it added to my depression. But I did get listen to some and pulled out the helpful stuff. My x boyfriend was an alcoholic most of his life he has been sober about 6 yrs or more. And we were talking and comparing my PTSD and his problem and came up with this. But the main things I learned was it is similar to an alcoholic situation in some ways. You must first admit and stop denying you have the problem. Then you once you admit it you must decide how to help the situation. Some need therapy and drugs to stop, but some just set it aside and do not pick the bottle up again with will power and hard work. But as an Alcoholic if they take a drink like my situation I call it a skeleton in the closet since I never was an alcoholic drinking type but the skeleton to me is like a drink to the alcoholic. And takes work to leave it or force it to remain in the closet. And if the therapy you were trying doesn't seem to work with the support group you are in keep searching until you find it or the proper people to help. I have a few people when it got worse for me a few yrs ago who are kind we talk but never for long they don't understand it. So it can turn into a skeleton trying to explain when they say I was one of the smartest and strongest woman and now to this. So I avoid to long with them.
Like here on RP there are many who are understanding with it and no that being mean or teasing doesn't help. It is like an alcoholic to in a way if you hang out with friends that drink and they keep taking you to the bar or in my case teasing it only makes it worse so you have to let go sometimes of things you love to make your life better to help your situation.

Welcome and thank you for your open comments!

I suppose yours was from the Fighting other Dogs commanded by your owner you were taught to revere and who you depended on.

The dog does learn regardless, reacting to what is given it as circumstances. I think it is quite normal to reacte and become very defensive to threats. The body mobilizes that out of real reactionary normal healthy response of defense. If we did not do that then we would just blindly walk into danger every time eyes wide open and not react.

But, when you get that response in the military, it is such a strong response and circumstance, situation then a civilian situation that you can usually walk away from, on your own without thoughts of breaking the UCMJ and the threats there in.

Not to be over simplified, or oversimplific, but the idea of fighting to death, by command, or working to death, or working until the point of injury, or illness, on command by your owner, and blanking out, in denial, not sure what others see in your new angry self defensive nature, that is becoming normal to you as a self protecting normal repsonse to threats in service you can not just walk away from voluntarilly, is something I can at least comprehend living my life under the UCMJ in the NAVY starting 18 years old. I was 1 PSYCH Evaluation DQ transfer Failed Navy to ARMY away from being a soldier by the way. I keep on bringing that up it seems. It really did happen. I am finally telling the world. And I had to serve, and never got any support or further testing after the failed PSYCH DQ.

It is interesting what motivates men. It is interesting what creates PTSD. It is interesting the different types of stress anxiety PTSD disorders from fear of death, being attacked, from enemy or friend.

And lets not forget. They do say you worst enemy is sometimes yourself. And your worst enemy can sometime be in your own family. Yet we look so far around for enemies.

Oh and when I seem ultra negative and painting a picture that may seem to be painting a picture dark on all that I said concering bad leadership or men or women who injure others or are negligent in their duties and therefore injure or leave other soldiers or sailors in harms way.. then that is where it is supposed to stay...

Because I know there are good people in the military. And the UCMJ when used correctly under good leadership I believe is good and healthy.

Like laws and the consitution and good people that attempt greatness and do such things to try to make a society and healthy one at that I am proud to protect with even my own life.

But it is those imposters who would wear a similar uniform as me and then also use it against me and also damage me also and e9 to e3 ass whooping for no reason...breaking all trust in leadership... as he really did verbally at the same time crush and threaten a weaker younger mans life and career and stability with threats....in a small space on the ship...

it was coersion..

and that little 5 minute rampage ..a death scare factor of 100 in my mind and heart at the moment ...froze me in time...somehow...so when i seem negative...i mean to be negative at these type of humans...and not the good humans who i appreciate who use even handedness and humanity in dealing with their brothers and sisters sons and daughters...

i would really like that guy to feel how I felt at that moment...and the chaos that would follow....in a younger mans life..that was just beggining..all in a navy uniform...with no silver spoon to fall back on...

I will always appreciate the soldier and airman and sailor who is just and courageous and leads men in better ways....that indeed the UCMJ does condone..and wants...

the UCMJ should and would of protected me at that moment if I could of had a camera filming it..

then I could of walked it to everyone and said damn....

Thank you the input, party I agree and partly not. The entire PTSD effect and the results all depends on you and you alone in my opinion. Looking outward for "fixes" will yield only a temporary solution. As far as family being the enemy, my experience was they simply had enough of my BS and until I realized it was me and not them; my feeling sorry for myself, my saying how the world was against me, and lashing out when I was aggravated, which was always. THIS was ME, not them, not the Army, not the friends, partner or anything else. HOW I got it is in this case irrelevant, HOW I will do my best to help myself is key, no one else will no one else really can.
It is a journey that begins with a hard truth to oneself, that we need to take full responsibility for getting better or trying to improve our life situations...in my opinion.
I wish you much luck!
Steven

This is an interesting thing to read your story, and compare it to mine. I think possibly we are of similar age. I wonder if you will read my story and compare it to yours. I dont think I am crazy as in hearing voices crazy. Because I do not hear voices. I do not see things. And when I am real and as honest as possible without being delusional, than the real breaking of a young man happened in uniform, that I was unable to tell before, because honestly I was scared. And now I believe even SUPERMAN can be broken. The scariest things in my life, especially as a new 18 year old adult, that would shape, me for the rest of my life were choses moments of hopelessness and being overwhelmed and undertrained and uncared for in the NAVY between 18-22. Now that I am being honest and remembering, and not trying to "put lipstick on a I PIG" and paint rosy deflecting misleading stories, of what can really happen, that is hoped to be covered up, or hidden in the dark caves of hell, "like your lobotomy link by the way scary crap like that" to a young man in certain situations in the Military that if told correctly, would jeapordize even Super Mans unique stregnths. I am going to try to open up and see if you might, or might not about details and how you see it all happening in you, because we all know there is some vague idea that, there are soldiers or sailors, given exact similar experiences as you would come out "smoking cigarretes like they just had the best sex in their lives". It makes you the person that is not feeling well, actually living it, and not this fake imaginary person that withstands the similar experience, as somehow a chump or weak.

Life is simple for me, as I look for solutions, some money would help, and a true medicine outside or inside myself would be a cute girl to lay down with and have a little private or a lot of private time with to calm my nerves.

But if I am weak then I ask any of the millions of soldier, airmen, sailor from special forces to wherever to step in the ring with me no special gear, just hands and the skin we were born in, and see what happens, because I am not saying I am the toughest human in the world, but I know brutality like no other, in a way that I had to do it myself without the help of the NAVY or anyone to see who I was. They kicked my ass when I had no control or power. Good For them. They scored the point. THey got their goal. Maybe they are the asses that were the few who I was unlucky to meet who would not do anything for a young sailor who was in a car wreck of an enlistment and command.


Mabye you can compare the details of mine and see what happened. I am not Superman By the way. I am real and can be injured and sad and depressed from real depressing sad debilitating startling controlling injurious situations mentally and physically.

I am 38 scored 70 on asvab, signed a a lame duck DOA enlistment that was drawn down, proof being DOD Manpower Requirements report 1994, Sea and Air Mariner enlistment, the same year I signed it 1994. With further reading I find that different commands that integrated to support this enlistment all basically fragmented and the support and early training and outcomes of the enlistment were left for dead basically for the last few Sea and Air Mariner enlistments. Single mom no dad no silver spoon. The enlistment alone was not respected or wanted or desired by my command an FFG Guided Missle Frigate, by the time I arrived 19. But they knew how to use me in different ways. Hazardous duties mental and physical were the norm. Attacks bullying no pride the norm and started to mold me. Again no because of me but because of my labeling and this enlistment. It is like having a MOS that is not wanted and no one knows what to do with you so they just have you do hard labor basically with no way to advance out of it. Then I was attacked by the e9 to stiffen me up, I suppose, jump start a dead stalled kid engine that was like the Train that said it "could". So I fell apart into an abyss and I was 22 and the ARMY PSYCH DQd an attempted transfer NAVY to ARMY. I was stuck and more confused and assuredly more sick being told that with no health care or follow up after that concerning that. It was the years of downsizing mid late ninties. If you were not dead then you were FIT FOR DUTY would be my estimation of health care requirements to serve and continue to serve.

So honorable discharged, find myself slip sliding away. Now because the 1 thing that sort of kept me together to stay sort of ship shape was gone 2002 the military, that kept my hygeiene to a respectful level based on requirements was gone.


Civilian Psychs would soon be seeing me SD desperate looking for anti depressent meds, a cycle of doom all to itself. I would never mention that I even served. In my head it was dead space. It was my first major attempt at manhood started at 18 and dead and gone and sad. Why would I talk about it?

No navy person was walking around trying to correct wrongs on my behalf. I was quite and insecure and would not know what do with myself as I was not a doctor. And because the ARMY PSYCH doctors MEPS doctors never followed up and the NAVY doctors never took anything serious why would I? Was I supposed to diagnose myself and break chain of command and tell the doctors that they were wrong. And especially consider that the ARMY doctors were correct. And consider that I really was assaulted previous the attempted Branch Transfer I coordinated. I was not trusting of the doctors I was already angry sad upset and depressed and bright at the same time. Remember I scored 70 on the asvab. And, recall that I was awarded Best Recruit Meritorious Paygrade Advancement, only allowed to be given to the top 5 percent of a class, if the Company Commander deems it to be given out. I was awarded that. I was now just depressed and aware that my enlistment was a dud, and I was going down with the ship, and sinking. And all these bright older sailors or soldiers in charge of my health care, stepping in for s junior enlisted who was trapped, would rather have a smoke break I suppose or look the other way, as my life fell apart, and my dreams were erased. I did nothing wrong. I passed all evals. Although my evals dropped by nearly 1 point in that SHip, my longest command I tried to remove myself from. So all the health care professionals could not put the pieces together and never looked inside and or further.

So what have I become? what Happened? Delusional Delerious angry depressed, upset, blaming myself, insecure, bad back, unable to understand who or what I was or who I was supposed to be, as all this happened as I was developing my manhood, with no father between 18-22.

I was in a suicide hospital 2005 cutting myself. I would not tell them about the assault or that I even I served. And to tell you the truth in 2005 I had never looked at my discharge paper that said "honorable 2002" because in my head, after the 1998 Psych DQ I thought they let me continue serving to be nice to me. I was so confused. I thought that the discharge would say something negative. I did not look at it the day I left base my last day. What a life I am describing. It is all true. So after the 2005 Suicide hospital, I was barting for rent, just doing handyman work in a rich ladies house I met. She soon kicked me out, and I would be messed up and homeless again, living in a old RV for a bit that I managed to get. After the Suicide Hospital I would not sign SSDI disability paper work still in denial and not wanting to admit and be declared a disabled person. I was fighting reality. By then since 1998 the PSYCH DQ that was picking up correctly what was happening that I indeed was injured, just untreated, from the Assault and other things alone in the NAVY, that by now 2005 I was full blown illness. And PTSD has the great ability to make the ill person very defiant and defensive which was true with me. I was loosing everything. MY mom must of been scared out of here wits watching this happen. My younger sister and brother the same, both never joined the military and own homes and with the same upbringing succeeded to a large part, and my sister is considered part blind from childhood.

But my head was all scrambled. The NAVY did indeed in my PSYCH to be all panicky all the time. And Fidgety. I barely can concentrate on projects and that makes me a bad candidate for school and getting an education, as I dropped that idea long ago trying to go to college and dropping out.

2010 Mom Passes away, from heart condition, and I believe to much stress, raising 3 kids, Vietnam Vet Dad Combat Soldier who disappeared after my mom as forced to leave him due to his drinking and spiral of illness when I was 10, no child support, no VA support no VA outreach programs for VIETNAM COMBAT Veteran Children Dependents that stepped in to keep my mom from doing it on her own starting out in womens homeless shelters and jumping from rented shared rooms to her mom my grandma giving us a place to stay on and off would be most my childhood after that.
Till she meets another stable guy when I would be 14 and until 18 when I graduated high school we lived with him. But that guy and me we never bonded. He took my brother and sister as his kids who were younger then me. But I was not a bad kid. I never smoked or drank. I was just quite and would join varsity sports and that was my world until I graduated and joined the NAVY first thing to get my life a good start and go for gold.

OH and it gets this bad. I have been sexually assaulted and drugged by creepy old men who I tried to trust, in the last decade, so I would not be homeless.

Then although, A vet, and served those 8 years, being a deployable asset anywhere anytime anyreason, training for war the frist 5 years on a Navy Guided Missle Frigates. My enlistment did not get a DD214 I found, so that has been a fight. That precluded me from getting any basic acknowledgement, as the Sea and Air Mariner enlistment was stripped down to work me to death and even get assaulted, to many days, to many bad experiences on a COMBAT NAVY GUIDED missle frigate to remember over the years, young exposed in Doing Combat Operational Support Stress Reactions deemed COSC COmbat Operational Stress Control and COSR Combat Operational Stress Reaction used by the ARMY NAVY and DOD that causes intense amount of CORTISOL to be dosed in the brain, that gets worse with "risk factors" youth, less experience, new to command, no trust built with unit which all, and more risk factors for a stress injury, as actually dictated by COSC and COSR in combat units in even in just day to day combat training and war simulations, which was the norm those days.

So here it is. I put it on the table. I think when we look at stories of how we handle attacks, threats, PTSD, etc-from our own team or the other team- we need to know the whole story of the person that develops the stress injury.

Steven, I see you have accomplished much, even with PTSD. That is a testiment to your strength and ability to cope with PTSD. For the most part I have accomplished my goals, inspite of PTSD. It was not easy, but I was not going to let the past control my future. I had a family and they depended on me so I sucked it up, as it seems you did as well, and did what had to be done. Thank you for your service and for being a good productive citizen.

SSG William Patton - I am humbled, thank you.

Steven, thank God and yourself for having to courage to meet your demons head on and overcome them. That is a testament to who you are and what you are made of. I would have been proud to serve with you brother.

SSG William Patton - I am very humbled at that statement, thank you so much!

I hear you David, I have been witness to what you are writing about, as well as doing it myself! Hope you are well bro!

I totally agree with you Cpl Spencer. People often use media in a way that comes back to bite them in the future. But, telling people that is like spitting into the wind, sometimes.

I wish you continued positive attitude, thank you for your service PO1 Glenn Boucher

I do need to clarify something about my overall statement.

I did forget about victims of violent crimes, abuse (physical, sexual, emotional) or bullying can also suffer from PTSD. I do apologize if I seemed to ignore those.

PTSD has probably been around for so long, yet people don't want to admit weakness to others.

Again I do hope that there is some serious research done to help those suffering from PTSD.

I did not understand it that way; people need t learn to understand what someone SAYS, not try and find what they DID NOT say!

I agree we need to listen to what is said, but at the same time we also need to listen up for what is not being said. Body language plays a big part when someone has a bigger problem than they are willing to share, especially if they don't feel the trust is there.

I suppose that PTSD is going to be one of those things that no one will ever really figure out because there is no common trigger.