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We have all been there - the anger, the hate, sorrow and depression, the frustration towards others who do not understand us, but is that fair? Who are we making responsible for our condition? Have we been left to deal with this condition ourselves, as many say? I think so, but I also think that it is often too easy to use this condition as an identifier as to what we are, not who we are.
I have been rated at 70% for PTSD as a combat vet. The following is how I see the way forward for me and I hope it will help some of you. Some of you may hate me for saying some of it, and I understand where you are coming from because I have been there too.
After a few suicide attempts (which were actually attention getting acts), I quickly realized that I am only hurting my possible future and myself if I keep wallowing in self-sorrow and hurt. I stopped looking at the photos of the past and identifying myself as a combat vet instead of Steven. I stopped hanging out only with vets who “understand me” because that was blocking my forward motion. I stopped walking around with a chip on my shoulder. But most importantly of all, I stopped blaming other people, the Army, and anything else for what I am because I knew I needed to work on who I am in order to get ahead, and that became my focus.
Don’t get me wrong, I have days where I could explode and sometimes do. I have days where getting out of bed to go to work is so painful and so pointless that I could easily just roll over and say, “screw it” but I don’t. I know that, if I did, it would be just the beginning of a long downhill spiral effect that would drive me back to where I came from. It would make it next to impossible to be productive for my family and my job, but most of all it would ruin my life. So in the end I have the choice.
I am not a doctor or a psychologist, I am only speaking my opinion but my advice to anyone fighting PTSD is the following: Never feel sorry for yourself. Anger towards others is a waste of time and energy. Looking back at what was, speaking about it every day, wearing the combat vet t-shirts - the constant reminder of “how good it was” - may make you feel better, but it makes your life a constant struggle.
Yes, civilians will never understand, but can you change that? No, so move on. You feel you got screwed over in the Army for this and that, but can you change it? No, so move on. The VA is not accepting your rating, not paying you, not believing you or whatever else, can you change it? Yes you can, but not with hate, anger, screaming or yelling.
Our society believes we are a danger. Some of us like that title – heck, some of us need that title because the military was all we may have ever had as far as an identity. We were special and now we are civilians and no one understands us, they just don’t know. That’s just it though, they don’t know, so either educate them in a meaningful manner or don’t hold it against them and move on. We won’t change anything by being angry and hurting ourselves, so let’s go and get our lives back!
As I was writing this article I actually got a call from my CEO stating that my obvious PTSD is a problem and they need to let me go. It goes without saying this shocked me, but did not surprise me. I am, therefore, positive this is simply a door that needed to close and I am looking with excitement into the future.
We dictate our own realities - no one else can or will really help us, only we can. So make the conscious decision and stand up, be that soldier, warrior and fighter you are and go for the gold. Don’t take no for an answer, accept nothing less from yourself than you expect from others. We can and will be successful, we will prevail, and not because of the stigma but despite the stigma!
Make your plan for life and follow it, set targets, goals, and benchmarks. It is time to stand up and take your life back. Don’t know where to start? Start within yourself and get the anger out. You’re not alone but remember, just complaining to another vet who tells his stories back to you is not going to help you no matter what all these “help sessions” may proclaim. If you feel it helps, then take a deep look at what exactly is being helped. It is probably the short-term frustration - you get to shout and get it out but that solves nothing. It is like getting revenge - it may make you feel better for a short time, but we all know it is wrong and you usually feel remorse afterwards.
So now how do you move forward? You want to yell at me? Write it down. You want to insult me? Go for it. Just know that I am here for you no matter what. If you truly wish to learn more about how to live with PTSD and function in society, I may be able to help. Your hate will only destroy you, not me or anyone else, so please refrain from the emotional explosions that I know all too well. I am writing this as an offer of help, in whatever way it may help, that’s it.
What are the biggest struggles you’ve faced while dealing with PTSD?
I have been rated at 70% for PTSD as a combat vet. The following is how I see the way forward for me and I hope it will help some of you. Some of you may hate me for saying some of it, and I understand where you are coming from because I have been there too.
After a few suicide attempts (which were actually attention getting acts), I quickly realized that I am only hurting my possible future and myself if I keep wallowing in self-sorrow and hurt. I stopped looking at the photos of the past and identifying myself as a combat vet instead of Steven. I stopped hanging out only with vets who “understand me” because that was blocking my forward motion. I stopped walking around with a chip on my shoulder. But most importantly of all, I stopped blaming other people, the Army, and anything else for what I am because I knew I needed to work on who I am in order to get ahead, and that became my focus.
Don’t get me wrong, I have days where I could explode and sometimes do. I have days where getting out of bed to go to work is so painful and so pointless that I could easily just roll over and say, “screw it” but I don’t. I know that, if I did, it would be just the beginning of a long downhill spiral effect that would drive me back to where I came from. It would make it next to impossible to be productive for my family and my job, but most of all it would ruin my life. So in the end I have the choice.
I am not a doctor or a psychologist, I am only speaking my opinion but my advice to anyone fighting PTSD is the following: Never feel sorry for yourself. Anger towards others is a waste of time and energy. Looking back at what was, speaking about it every day, wearing the combat vet t-shirts - the constant reminder of “how good it was” - may make you feel better, but it makes your life a constant struggle.
Yes, civilians will never understand, but can you change that? No, so move on. You feel you got screwed over in the Army for this and that, but can you change it? No, so move on. The VA is not accepting your rating, not paying you, not believing you or whatever else, can you change it? Yes you can, but not with hate, anger, screaming or yelling.
Our society believes we are a danger. Some of us like that title – heck, some of us need that title because the military was all we may have ever had as far as an identity. We were special and now we are civilians and no one understands us, they just don’t know. That’s just it though, they don’t know, so either educate them in a meaningful manner or don’t hold it against them and move on. We won’t change anything by being angry and hurting ourselves, so let’s go and get our lives back!
As I was writing this article I actually got a call from my CEO stating that my obvious PTSD is a problem and they need to let me go. It goes without saying this shocked me, but did not surprise me. I am, therefore, positive this is simply a door that needed to close and I am looking with excitement into the future.
We dictate our own realities - no one else can or will really help us, only we can. So make the conscious decision and stand up, be that soldier, warrior and fighter you are and go for the gold. Don’t take no for an answer, accept nothing less from yourself than you expect from others. We can and will be successful, we will prevail, and not because of the stigma but despite the stigma!
Make your plan for life and follow it, set targets, goals, and benchmarks. It is time to stand up and take your life back. Don’t know where to start? Start within yourself and get the anger out. You’re not alone but remember, just complaining to another vet who tells his stories back to you is not going to help you no matter what all these “help sessions” may proclaim. If you feel it helps, then take a deep look at what exactly is being helped. It is probably the short-term frustration - you get to shout and get it out but that solves nothing. It is like getting revenge - it may make you feel better for a short time, but we all know it is wrong and you usually feel remorse afterwards.
So now how do you move forward? You want to yell at me? Write it down. You want to insult me? Go for it. Just know that I am here for you no matter what. If you truly wish to learn more about how to live with PTSD and function in society, I may be able to help. Your hate will only destroy you, not me or anyone else, so please refrain from the emotional explosions that I know all too well. I am writing this as an offer of help, in whatever way it may help, that’s it.
What are the biggest struggles you’ve faced while dealing with PTSD?
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 76
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR. PTSD is a Mental Disorder. A diagnosis of PTSD can be justification to remove you from your job or not hiring you in the first place
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Why would anyone hate you SGT Steven Eugene Kuhn MBA. What you said was very informative, useful and i hope able to help many. I am sorry about you losing your job but i think you let what you are talking very intelligently about get in your way. Keep it going forward, control your anger and outbursts, do what you need to do to survive. I with you only success and happiness in what you do. You have earned that by serving our nation with honor.
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PTSD is very real. I feel for those who suffer from this disorder and pray for all.
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My PTSD was used against me in a custody case, resulting in my abusive ex (who is the sole cause of my condition) to be named domiciliary parent. I have not had my girls since July 2013 when he took them and never returned them to me. Because he has convinced so many I am just crazy, I can not get any help locally. He has even told them that it was just a delusion that I was ever in the Army, and they believed him. I experience extreme agoraphobia, panic attacks, and intrusive memories.
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SGT Steven Eugene Kuhn MBA
I am so sorry to hear this, without knowing all the details of if you are receiving help from the VA or private Doctor, it is hard to help but showing progress though logged in visits may be a start. Good luck!
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SPC Anne Miller
I am receiving a lot of help from the VA right now. I had gone to private doctor's in the past, but I'm really working on streamlining my care. I also did the VetsPrevail program online. That was helpful to get me outside myself.
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I've spoken to many policy makers and psychiatric professionals...the "disorder" portion of PTS needs to be permanently removed.
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SGT Steven Eugene Kuhn MBA
The opinions differ on this and honestly it does not even enter my radar becasue it is not about the name, it is about the affliction. Less focus should be on the argument of what exactly to call it and more on the treatment. No disrespect but the name will change regardless, they always do.
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CW4 Kevin Ballard
No disrespect taken, and thank you for the input. "Disorder" has proven problematic in many follow-on civilian careers.
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I had a long drawn out reply but I am chickening out. I'll say the one thing I really wanted to say and that is thank you very much for sharing.
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There has been a collective effort in Germany to try to spin their history into a narrative, that lets most Germans off the hook for the Nazis and Hitler. There is more recent research that shows that ordinary Germans (as opposed to highly Doctrinated and core Nazi Units, such as the SS, SA, SD or the Gestapo), Police Battalions and ordinary Germans, and local German local Politicians (like the local Burgermeister) were directly complicit in turning in and rounding up German Jews, and also involved in "liquidation" (mass murder of Jews), in Poland, the Ukraine and other occupied countries.
http://www.amazon.com/Ordinary-Men-Christopher-R-Browning-ebook/dp/B00BS8C13W/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid= [login to see] &sr=8-1&keywords=german+police+battalions
http://www.amazon.com/Nazis-Next-Door-America-Hitlers-ebook/dp/B00HK3LRKW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid= [login to see] &sr=8-1&keywords=the+nazi+next+door
http://www.amazon.com/Ordinary-Men-Christopher-R-Browning-ebook/dp/B00BS8C13W/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid= [login to see] &sr=8-1&keywords=german+police+battalions
http://www.amazon.com/Nazis-Next-Door-America-Hitlers-ebook/dp/B00HK3LRKW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid= [login to see] &sr=8-1&keywords=the+nazi+next+door
Ordinary Men Reprint, Christopher R. Browning - Amazon.com
Ordinary Men - Kindle edition by Christopher R. Browning. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading Ordinary Men.
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I also have it and take some medication to help when I am off of it not violent or anything nor do I want to hurt my self but it helps me keep a filter on things that I say when I first came home I had no filter at all it was not a good thing plus it helps me concentrate better as well.
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TSgt (Join to see)
Thank you I try to and having a wonderful wife that is very attune to me and pushed for me to get help
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My biggest struggle is the knowledge that I'll die alone the corner of some VA hospital.. I'm 33 and that's all I really feel I have to look forward too...
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SGT Steven Eugene Kuhn MBA
SSG Kevin McCulley - We all go through these times and we all see the possibility of being alone.
What I wrote in the article rings so true. If you make an effort to replace those thoughts with positive thoughts, things will get better.
It is a work in progress and will never stop. Lets be honest, development is key for our condition; sitting, waiting, letting it win and believing we are bad off just will not do, all that makes it worse.
If I may offer some advice; Get a rhythm in place; Go to the gym and do something, anything, yoga, running, walking...do it the same time every day. Learn to like who you are, deal with you and your thoughts through positive thoughts and actions like training (releases endorphins the happy hormone).
Once you accept who you are, and you must accept it becasue you cant separate from yourself, others will be attracted to you; women, people hiring, new friends and a bunch more positives.
No matter how much someone loves us, no mater how much we love them, no one wants to deal with depression or negativity, using a partner for a crutch usually leads to resentment and or separation. Meaning you cannot allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself, speak with your partner, tell them how you feel but that you need support to get better, that you are responsible for your action and you know this is not an excuse to be rude, loud or obnoxious...but it is a reason, and you are dealing with it...but then you must!
We TRULY dictate our reality through thoughts; THINK positive, plan your days, get a routine going, refuse to think negative, use mantras if you must.
I was there where you are, at 33 I attempted suicide (attention getter) which got me attention, the wrong kind but thats another story. I decided then it was time to take responsibility for myself, no one else will or CAN...you CAN do it, you owe it to yourself.
In the meantime feel free to write or if need be we can SKYPE.
Be well!
Steven
What I wrote in the article rings so true. If you make an effort to replace those thoughts with positive thoughts, things will get better.
It is a work in progress and will never stop. Lets be honest, development is key for our condition; sitting, waiting, letting it win and believing we are bad off just will not do, all that makes it worse.
If I may offer some advice; Get a rhythm in place; Go to the gym and do something, anything, yoga, running, walking...do it the same time every day. Learn to like who you are, deal with you and your thoughts through positive thoughts and actions like training (releases endorphins the happy hormone).
Once you accept who you are, and you must accept it becasue you cant separate from yourself, others will be attracted to you; women, people hiring, new friends and a bunch more positives.
No matter how much someone loves us, no mater how much we love them, no one wants to deal with depression or negativity, using a partner for a crutch usually leads to resentment and or separation. Meaning you cannot allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself, speak with your partner, tell them how you feel but that you need support to get better, that you are responsible for your action and you know this is not an excuse to be rude, loud or obnoxious...but it is a reason, and you are dealing with it...but then you must!
We TRULY dictate our reality through thoughts; THINK positive, plan your days, get a routine going, refuse to think negative, use mantras if you must.
I was there where you are, at 33 I attempted suicide (attention getter) which got me attention, the wrong kind but thats another story. I decided then it was time to take responsibility for myself, no one else will or CAN...you CAN do it, you owe it to yourself.
In the meantime feel free to write or if need be we can SKYPE.
Be well!
Steven
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SSG Kevin McCulley
I've got just enough christian programming from my childhood to prevent suicide.. all that aside, I'll get on telling myself to stop feeling like crap right after I get done telling myself to stop having nightmares.
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