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I will never forget the day I opened my Facebook to find a message from my best friend saying good-bye. He had been struggling since his last deployment but asking for help wasn’t even an option in his mind. He thought he should just be able to “suck it up” like he did after every other deployment. He did for a while, and the world moved on around him, until he just couldn’t anymore. As luck, or fate, would have it, we were stationed in Korea when “sucking it up” turned to crisis and I saw the message almost instantly. But for a single, terrifying moment I thought I lost the person who was more a brother to me than my own blood. The one who interrogated me about the soldier I was dating, then wordlessly settled the check over ‘rock, paper, scissors’ the first time they met. The reason I am even in this field today.
This single moment shaped both our lives and handed us each a new fight. His started with getting help and challenging what he thought he knew about toughness. Mine was going to school to become a military social worker so I could help break the stigma that almost took my friend. Despite the strides we have made, we still lose too many in our community to the wounds of war. Inside I question, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED?
The challenge I put to those I speak with is this: What would you do if you broke your leg? Go to the doctor. Your child has a tooth ache? Go to the dentist. Your wife has postpartum depression? Go to behavioral health. These are perfectly acceptable and reasonable decisions most people make. Yet when it comes to the wounds that we feel but cannot see, we call it weakness. We shove it down. We suffer in silence. We don’t follow our own advice. So, I ask, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU DESERVE?
In the military community we hear a lot about readiness and resilience, but I think it is time we add wellness to this conversation. It is incredibly difficult to transition out of active service, find employment, raise a family, earn promotions, have a happy marriage, or just enjoy life if our mental health is suffering. Our wellness impacts every part of our life. So, I challenge, WHAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM THE LIFE YOU EARNED?
While prepping for this post, I asked my husband what he does as a senior NCO to shift the perception of mental health in his unit. He said, “The days of suffering alone are over. It isn’t about weakness but strength. You can be physically fit but that doesn’t mean you are mentally fit. I need mentally fit soldiers. So, I tell them about my experience and how it helped me.” This is my final challenge. As leaders, we need to lead from the front by sharing our stories, shifting the language, and supporting our friends, brothers, sisters, and communities when we are struggling. Suicide prevention is all our responsibility and we are in this fight together.
If you or someone you know in the Washington State area needs support for their mental fitness, please reach out to my team by calling us at [login to see] or emailing us at [login to see] We are veterans and military family members ourselves. We get it and are here to help you get back to better. Learn more about our local services at https://rly.pt/ValleyCitiesCohenClinic
If you, or someone you know, is in need of confidential counseling and therapy in an additional location, you can find a clinic here: https://rly.pt/CohenClinics
If someone is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop now and call 9-1-1.
Please contact the VA Veterans Crisis Line at: [login to see] Press 1
This single moment shaped both our lives and handed us each a new fight. His started with getting help and challenging what he thought he knew about toughness. Mine was going to school to become a military social worker so I could help break the stigma that almost took my friend. Despite the strides we have made, we still lose too many in our community to the wounds of war. Inside I question, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED?
The challenge I put to those I speak with is this: What would you do if you broke your leg? Go to the doctor. Your child has a tooth ache? Go to the dentist. Your wife has postpartum depression? Go to behavioral health. These are perfectly acceptable and reasonable decisions most people make. Yet when it comes to the wounds that we feel but cannot see, we call it weakness. We shove it down. We suffer in silence. We don’t follow our own advice. So, I ask, WHY WON’T YOU GET THE HELP YOU DESERVE?
In the military community we hear a lot about readiness and resilience, but I think it is time we add wellness to this conversation. It is incredibly difficult to transition out of active service, find employment, raise a family, earn promotions, have a happy marriage, or just enjoy life if our mental health is suffering. Our wellness impacts every part of our life. So, I challenge, WHAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM THE LIFE YOU EARNED?
While prepping for this post, I asked my husband what he does as a senior NCO to shift the perception of mental health in his unit. He said, “The days of suffering alone are over. It isn’t about weakness but strength. You can be physically fit but that doesn’t mean you are mentally fit. I need mentally fit soldiers. So, I tell them about my experience and how it helped me.” This is my final challenge. As leaders, we need to lead from the front by sharing our stories, shifting the language, and supporting our friends, brothers, sisters, and communities when we are struggling. Suicide prevention is all our responsibility and we are in this fight together.
If you or someone you know in the Washington State area needs support for their mental fitness, please reach out to my team by calling us at [login to see] or emailing us at [login to see] We are veterans and military family members ourselves. We get it and are here to help you get back to better. Learn more about our local services at https://rly.pt/ValleyCitiesCohenClinic
If you, or someone you know, is in need of confidential counseling and therapy in an additional location, you can find a clinic here: https://rly.pt/CohenClinics
If someone is in need of immediate or emergency care, please stop now and call 9-1-1.
Please contact the VA Veterans Crisis Line at: [login to see] Press 1
PTSD
Mental Health
Military Family
Cohen Veterans Network
Posted 6 y ago
Responses: 103
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For me, I didn't get help right away because I was fearful of being labeled. But one I started getting help things started to get better. It's still a struggle, some good days, some bad days but I'm still pushing.
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SGT James Perander
And you wonder why vet commit suicide and become homeless because they don’t give a shit.
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PO2 David Allender
SGT James Perander - They never got the help they deserved to get from a good Psychologist. Like me, they are ashamed to get help, after all they are a grown man who is suppose to be able t o help himself. BULL! Go get help. Do not be shamed to seek help before it destroys you.
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SGT James Perander
Two faced doctors in Lakewood tell me something I don’t know, I’ve been going there for for 20 damn yrs and I’m worse today when I got out Lakewood sucks there only in it for the paycheck
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Excellent post. I think that’s part of the reason I became a therapist instead of a lawyer. I wanted to help as many people as I could and I am still trying to be there for anyone in need. Asking for help does NOT mean you are weak! I think it actually means you’re strong and have the courage to admit you can’t do this alone!
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SPC Nancy Greene
CPL Linda B. Is hank You My Sister. I provided excellent n-home therapy to Marine Corps families at Cameron LeJeune, NRAS, & Cherry Point. Loved my job and the Pride of the USMC! Let bed leaving Bas at sundown... when “Taps” played, Everyone stopped, got out of their cars and Saluted or hand over heart until flag was down and folded! Awesome traditions!
Not to mention, 2nd Force Recon Marines are Buff’! You definitely knew when spring arrived... great bodies are n green shorts without shirts running All Over Base!
Not to mention, 2nd Force Recon Marines are Buff’! You definitely knew when spring arrived... great bodies are n green shorts without shirts running All Over Base!
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SPC Nancy Greene
PFC Donnie Harold Harris I definitely enjoyed provided my students n-home services to Marine Corps families.
Play Mornings msg with parents and children were lots of Fun when Marines joined in(think they had more fun than the children!
Play Mornings msg with parents and children were lots of Fun when Marines joined in(think they had more fun than the children!
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Reasons why I didn't seek help (until much, much later) -
- Security clearance
- Anyone who says that there isn't a stigma for seeking help - or even needing it - is a damn liar. Yes there is. That decision has real consequences, and that is why many suffer in silence. Sometimes until it is too late.
- I immersed myself in my work. Keeping busy was a better form of medication than some other options. The family paid for it, though.
- Is it a crisis, or a really shitty day? Lots of shitty days. But you push through it, knowing that those emotions pass.
At the end of the day, I was alive, and some good men were not. And I felt like I could have done this or that differently and had a better outcome. It was fool's gold. If only this or that...
Well it didn't go that way. I did what I could, got shot for my trouble, and burned terribly enough I see it every time I look in the mirror. There is nothing quite like burning, except thinking if you could have burned a little more, maybe Rob or Mike would have gone home to their families not in a box. Instead, I got medals for being, frankly, more on the ball than the rest on that day.
Eventually, you figure out that you can't change what happened, especially not retroactively. You can't relive the past forever, because other people need you today,
- Security clearance
- Anyone who says that there isn't a stigma for seeking help - or even needing it - is a damn liar. Yes there is. That decision has real consequences, and that is why many suffer in silence. Sometimes until it is too late.
- I immersed myself in my work. Keeping busy was a better form of medication than some other options. The family paid for it, though.
- Is it a crisis, or a really shitty day? Lots of shitty days. But you push through it, knowing that those emotions pass.
At the end of the day, I was alive, and some good men were not. And I felt like I could have done this or that differently and had a better outcome. It was fool's gold. If only this or that...
Well it didn't go that way. I did what I could, got shot for my trouble, and burned terribly enough I see it every time I look in the mirror. There is nothing quite like burning, except thinking if you could have burned a little more, maybe Rob or Mike would have gone home to their families not in a box. Instead, I got medals for being, frankly, more on the ball than the rest on that day.
Eventually, you figure out that you can't change what happened, especially not retroactively. You can't relive the past forever, because other people need you today,
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Max Ross
Great, Frank and realistic feedback, much appreciated! If I may ask about the last paragraph, I'd be curious as to what contributed to your "eventually" figuring it out. This experience would contribute greatly in allowing us to practice in ways which may work for many others.
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1SG (Join to see)
Max Ross - It was a couple of things. I went fishing. Something about man vs fish - even if the fish don't decide to bite - is peaceful. It helped put things in perspective.
My youngest son, seven years old today, was a toddler then. He is autistic, but mildly so. He would look up at me, and smile. He trusted me to give him everything he needed - to love him and teach him what to do. Even today, he seems to know when daddy needs a little time with him. I feel like if I can make a difference with my little man, and with my Soldiers, that it will make the world a little bit better, and maybe make up a bit for when I wasn't quite good enough, It is a debt that can't be repaid, but I try every day anyway.
It gives back some of what I lost back in 2004. Task, purpose, and direction.
My youngest son, seven years old today, was a toddler then. He is autistic, but mildly so. He would look up at me, and smile. He trusted me to give him everything he needed - to love him and teach him what to do. Even today, he seems to know when daddy needs a little time with him. I feel like if I can make a difference with my little man, and with my Soldiers, that it will make the world a little bit better, and maybe make up a bit for when I wasn't quite good enough, It is a debt that can't be repaid, but I try every day anyway.
It gives back some of what I lost back in 2004. Task, purpose, and direction.
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Nichole Ayres
I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences. And it is absolutely true there is stigma around mental health. So much it is a real barrier to care which had lead to real consequences both when people do and do not reach out for help. I have found guilt can also be a barrier. My best friend and others I have worked with say very similar things... they should be here not me. Or often people talk about their experience being less worthy of getting help than others because the wounds are less visible. I really liked what you said about not being able to relieve the past forever because people need you today. That is so true for many people. Also 'healing' cannot be one size fits all so my profession also needs to take consideration of the value in having purpose, getting outdoors, using your hands or something like fishing as you mentioned. Thank you so much for your insights.
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Nichole Ayres Please make contact with me at your earliest convenience - I would like to talk to you about "Warriors for Life" (WFL) Virtual Group Support. You can red a little about it here, but I'm interested in connecting and discussing the program and what you're doing. Thanks for sharing that unbleieveabel heartfelt story with us to day on RallyPoint. Sincerely COL (Ret) Mikel Burroughs
https://victoryforveterans.org/who-we-are/services/warriors-for-life/
https://victoryforveterans.org/who-we-are/services/warriors-for-life/
WARRIORS FOR LIFE (WFL) VIRTUAL GROUP SUPPORT COMMUNITY SERVICES
Warriors For Life is expanding to offer this valuable time during the week for Veterans to connect and share about their lives, struggles and more from once a week to three in the hopes of operating each night of the week very soon.
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COL Mikel J. Burroughs
Nichole Ayres - I look forward to it Nichole Here is my contact information:
Mikel J. Burroughs
Colonel (Retired)
Chairman, Board of Directors
Victory for Veterans Foundation
"Warriors for Life!"
VFV Web: http://www.VictoryForVeterans.org
FaceBook: @VFVets (http://www.FaceBook.com/VFVets)
Twitter: @VictoryVets (http://www.twitter.com/VictoryVets)
LinkedIn: Victory For Veterans (http://www.linkedin.com/company/Victory-For-Veterans)
Cell: [login to see]
Email: [login to see]
Mikel J. Burroughs
Colonel (Retired)
Chairman, Board of Directors
Victory for Veterans Foundation
"Warriors for Life!"
VFV Web: http://www.VictoryForVeterans.org
FaceBook: @VFVets (http://www.FaceBook.com/VFVets)
Twitter: @VictoryVets (http://www.twitter.com/VictoryVets)
LinkedIn: Victory For Veterans (http://www.linkedin.com/company/Victory-For-Veterans)
Cell: [login to see]
Email: [login to see]
Serving Veterans in need - One Veteran at a time!
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PO2 Lawrence Janiec
COL Mikel J. Burroughs - I looked at your site and I'm actually a little hopeful. I put in my information on Contact Us. I hope to hear from you. I'm not going to reply to the original thread (yet) because honestly reading some of the stuff here has been a bit triggering. :(
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COL Mikel J. Burroughs
PO2 Lawrence Janiec - I received your information and responded with details on this Saturday Lawrence.
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Nichole Ayres
PO2 Lawrence Janiec - I am glad you found a resource and are also able to identify and advocate for your own boundaries. Sometimes its challenging to recognize what is triggering us. I hope you were able to find some support.
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If I have a broken leg, long before I go to the doctor, I put a splint on it myself. If I have a toothache, I grin and bear it. If I have depression, I put on a happy face so that no one else has to deal with my sh...uhhh... stuff. I was raised - both as a child, and in the Army - to always be the helper, never the helpee.
Why don't I get the help I need? Who says I need it? And, more importantly, because the VA has a finite supply of precious resources, who says I need it MORE than that guy over there?
Why don't I get the help I deserve? Because my depression tells me that I DON'T deserve it. I am not worthy of it.
What is keeping me from the life I have earned? Nothing. My depression tells me that this misery is EXACTLY the life I have earned.
Of course, depression lies. But it also tells a whole hell of a lot of uncomfortable truths. And it is very hard to tell the difference when I am in the middle of a depressive episode.
I was consistently told that going to mental/behavioral health was a sign of strength, not weakness. Funny thing, it meant I needed a waiver to deploy. It also got me fired from an Army job. To be clear, it was the fact I was going, not any actions or inactions professionally. Sure, it's a sign of strength.... So strong we don't want you on our team or going with your unit to fulfill unit missions.
Society as a whole continues to view people with mental health problems not as broken, but rather as defective. And the Army reflects soceity's views. They talk a good game, but actions speak farblouder than words.
So as a last answer, why don't I get help? Because I don't want to be labeled.
Why don't I get the help I need? Who says I need it? And, more importantly, because the VA has a finite supply of precious resources, who says I need it MORE than that guy over there?
Why don't I get the help I deserve? Because my depression tells me that I DON'T deserve it. I am not worthy of it.
What is keeping me from the life I have earned? Nothing. My depression tells me that this misery is EXACTLY the life I have earned.
Of course, depression lies. But it also tells a whole hell of a lot of uncomfortable truths. And it is very hard to tell the difference when I am in the middle of a depressive episode.
I was consistently told that going to mental/behavioral health was a sign of strength, not weakness. Funny thing, it meant I needed a waiver to deploy. It also got me fired from an Army job. To be clear, it was the fact I was going, not any actions or inactions professionally. Sure, it's a sign of strength.... So strong we don't want you on our team or going with your unit to fulfill unit missions.
Society as a whole continues to view people with mental health problems not as broken, but rather as defective. And the Army reflects soceity's views. They talk a good game, but actions speak farblouder than words.
So as a last answer, why don't I get help? Because I don't want to be labeled.
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SFC Tom Jones
Well when I hurt my back in 1981 and pcs back to Germany and had to go to the appointments and yes the CSM said the same damn thing to me but like you I proved them wrong and retired with 21 years and as a E-7 but that is news about what the service is requiring for people seeking help. No wonder people don't want to seek help, cause if you can't deploy and be able to do your job then you get passed up and then you end up getting kick out of the service which none of us ever wanted to happen, so you are right just suck it up and drive on
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Nichole Ayres
Thank you for sharing you experience, truly. I have come across so many veterans, both professionally and personally, who feel that same way. It is hard. And you are absolutely on target about depression. It is an insidious, silent killer for so many. I also agree regarding the stigma surrounding mental health. It is assumed that mental health, whether it be depression, PTSD, anxiety, and so on = dangerous or defective as you mentioned. That is what makes these conversations so important. At some point we need to break down that stigma so it stops being a barrier for so many. So that military leadership can make personnel decisions based on facts and not myths regarding mental health. Because truly, why should the act of going be a detriment to someones career? Logically, what is more dangerous: someone aware they are facing some challenges and working to address it or the person working hard to keep their struggles hidden? Addressing stigma really needs to start with the leadership.
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The tough part is those of us who get to that point can always slip back to it very easily, even with all the help in the world. That’s why we make those calls out of the blue to check on our buddies we went through hell with. You might not know it at the time, but that call may be the one thing that saved them from pulling the trigger or not stepping off the chair with the noose around their neck. And if you need drugs for the rest of your life to keep fighting, then take them there’s no shame in using the tools available to you. Just keep fighting, as we all did!
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Nichole Ayres
I couldn't agree more. Recovery is not a linear process. There are ups and downs. Community is so important, especially with dealing with mental health challenges. We often forget that social wellness is part of our overall wellness. When we are struggling it is easy to isolate. Those phone calls are so critical. I would also say that counseling is one of those tools people should leverage as well. Medications absolutely have their place but sometimes they are like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. Especially with traumatic stress. You need to get that bullet out so it can heal - and often that is therapy. Thank you for participating in this discussion and your valuable insights.
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SGT Ed Matyjasik
Been on VA drugs for the last 15 years. They are the only thing that helps take the edge off.
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Nichole Ayres
SGT Ed Matyjasik - For many people that is the case. Medications tend to be one piece of the puzzle. The others usually include therapy with a therapist you trust, social support, and looking at the overall health/wellness. Thank you for your comment.
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Thank you for such a heartfelt story! I am a DAV Commander from NOrwood, MA and this subject its home... I am also an advisory Board Member in "Victory for Veterans" and a contributor in "Warriors For Life" Both headed by COL Mikel J. Burroughs Ret. amd the latter deals with issues associated with Suicide... Thank you again for Posting this!
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Nichole Ayres
Thank you for your work in this important area as well. COL Mikel J. Burroughs actually shared those with me and I will definitely check them out.
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Excellent share Ms Nichole, some people are too proud to ask, and others think it's a sign of weakness.
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Nichole Ayres
This is something that I commonly hear both as a professional and as a member of the community as well. It goes back to the stigma in our culture. I always wonder why should it be any more stigmatizing or considered "weak" to seek support for mental health challenges than to seek support for physical health challenges. Humans and systems gave it that stigma but I think we are more than ready to find ways of breaking down those barriers. Thank you for your insight.
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SFC Michael D.
Some people just simply don't know. I knew that I had changed but doesn't everyone after war? I found out because a VA Nurse read a bunch of questions to me and based on my responses, she told me the I had PTSD. Then the referrals started, went to therapist then a shrink. Found out that I was holding it all and not letting it go. When you're a medic, you don't get sick, injured or have PTSD. No not me! But yes, we get it to. I'm a better man, husband and father because I finally got help. Retireded 1997 got help 2016. That's a long time wondering why you have anger issues.
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Nichole Ayres
SFC Michael D. - You bring up so many great points. How can people not change in some way after war? And I absolutely agree. As helping professionals we sometimes have a hard time practicing what we preach. We often feel like because we know how to make the problem better that it somehow wont impact us or we will be able to handle it without support. But we are human too. I am glad to hear you were able to get the support you needed to feel well and deal with the anger.
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Nichole, thank you for sharing your story! And thank you - and your whole Lakewood team - for the work you do daily to address stigma and any other barriers veterans and military families may face. We're so proud to have you on this mission with us.
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Nichole Ayres
Thank you! I'm incredibly grateful to have such a passionate team serving our community out here in Washington. We are proud to be on this mission with you.
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Thank you Nicole for the excellent article. I did not seek help when I was in (73-95) because the stigma, lose your job/position, get put out, lose your clearance and your working ability. Besides we all thought that it was a normal reaction- we just didn't talk much about it, plus we were tough, ready Airborne and Rangers. In 2005, I realized that my intense crying jags were not normal. Sure as Shooting- I bring it up to my VA doctor- and wham- psyc exam, rating and most importantly help and Vet to Vet help. Several years later I am talking to two of my Vietnam brothers- when we compare notes and they ask for and get VA help. No it's still a roller coaster, and we all have bad days/weeks, but overall life is good. Your husband is right senior NCO's need to push- being mentally damages can kill somebody- and most of it can be helped, if they push it.
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Nichole Ayres
Thank you for your insights but also your advocacy and leadership in supporting others in getting help. I feel like you are speaking to the core of the challenges we face as a community - a culture that has made it hard to recognize some of the challenges (and speak up when needed) but also real consequences to getting help. One of the first things I find myself doing in my work is educating people about PTSD because often people (leaders and survivors alike) believe there permanent damage. As a professional, I can't take away anyone's experience/memories but I absolutely can help someone heal. Its like taking an infected wound, cleaning it out and leaving a scar. You'll remember how you got that scar but it doesn't hurt the same as a wound. That was a bit long winded way to get to a question I always ask myself - has the career repercussions helped or hurt our forces? What have been different if that person had access to quality mental health care and been able to go back to their job?
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