Dear Kevin,

My daughters bought me this Online Memoir thing. Every Monday I get a question from them. I answer it to the best of my knowledge. At the end of one year, they make a book for your Family out of all your answers. Sometimes they are fun questions like: "When did Mommy make you laugh the hardest?' Sometimes they are deeper questions like: "What do you admire most about Mommy?" And everything doesn't cut it as an answer. And sometimes they are questions that make me think, reflect, and wonder how to answer. Today's question is one of those. Here it is:
This week, Kevina asks…
Did your time in the army change how you see the world — or yourself?

Oh, dear. How do you answer that -fifty years after the fact? Some things surfaced right away...I went in the Ohio National Guard on my birthday in Sept of 1969. We had just finished a brutal year in Vietnam. I think, as far as deaths go, 1968 was the largest loss of life for the entire war. And I thought back to that time. My brother Mike was already over there, my brother John had just returned from Okinawa in 1967. And I remember thinking that you could get killed if you went to Vietnam. Most of us knew someone who had graduated a year or two ahead of us, and got orders to go to Nam. Some came back. Some did not. And some came back missing parts of their body...and even some missing parts of their soul. So the horrors and price of war...were all around us. And yet most of us did not stop and think about killing the other guy. Weird, eh?
When you get to work with other Armies, and their Soldiers, you start to realize that in most cases, they are just like you. They have a Mom and Dad, a bratty little sister, and an older or younger brother that gets on their nerves. Most had a girlfriend, or wanted one. They loved their country, music, cars, motorcycles, and traveling. In short, they were just like us, but in a different Uniform. And like us, it was the Big Wigs who sent us off to War.
And when I got to Germany, it was still rebuilding, more than 20 years after the war. England had just stopped rationing, the year before I joined the Army. And the French were busy kicking our Army and Air Bases out of the country.
So I saw the generational carry over of War. German Father's, Uncles, and Brothers...were as proud of their Service (in most cases) as my Father, Uncles, and Brothers were.
When I met my first Russians, and later some of their Children...well, talk about loving the Mother Land and Patriot. They call everyone who served in WW II, Heroes. And they have monuments galore...and those guys don't pay for their coffee when a young Russian sees they served. Not sure what the current feeling is over there.
And as I grew older, I realized the role of both "News" and "Propaganda" in promoting who was Evil, the Enemy, or just not as good as us. I was in Ireland during the "Troubles". Same God. Same colored skin. Same location. Same language. Same absolute hate toward each other. Literally in each other's backyards. Was it Catholic against Protestant? Home rule versus Royalty? Ireland versus England? Pick your poison.
Almost every Warrior I know, hates war. Yet every single one of them, would take up arms in a heartbeat to protect America, or their families. So I have to think about that too.
And what an 18 year old fed the "glory of battle " for his whole life feels, compared to what a 30 year old man with a wife and two kids under five, thinks about going off to War....whole different perspective. And I have lived long enough to see both sides of that coin.
And I have lived long enough to see wars start over seemingly nothing...like Yugoslavia coming apart after almost seventy years of relative peace. Or us go into, and then out of a whole slew of Regional Conflicts. And in every case, someone started the War...and then someone decided that was enough ...and ended it. Sometimes with new boundaries, or countries being made. Other times with almost no change. Just the cycle kicking back up again.
I don't know how I am going to answer her seemingly straightforward question. Things I used to believe in like they came down on Stone Tablets, I now realize are more flexible than I thought.
I just want my kids to be healthy and happy, and be doing something they love with their lives. I don't want anybody hurt, homeless, or starving. And I value life way more than I used to.
My mind is filled with the jagged edges of sharp memories, and thoughts. And I will sift through them and find an answer. Or at least, an explanation.