While on the firing line at the range, what is the most off the wall excuse a Private has made up because they can't shoot?

A PVT told the Drill Sergeant she didn't feel comfortable firing live rounds. Calm as glass, he puts a hand on her shoulder and fishes way in the back of the stack of magazines and tells her, "look, these with the green tips are special blanks. When you fire them, they go bang like blanks, but they will appear to put holes in the target so no one else will know." No lie, she cried tears of relief and thanked him for his understanding. I was stunned. By the time she figured it out, she was over it.

"Drill Sergeant I cant hit the target" Yes Soldier I can see that. I'll take a closer look this next round and see if we can fix that.
"Drill sergeant I think I know why"
Really...why?
"Drill Sergeant I think my barrel is bent"
Ahh, sure that could be it, happens all the time (no sarcasm font, but I would have used it to set the tone if it existed) then I notice the serious face...... ahhh, PRIVET .. WHY do you think your barrel is bent?
"Drill sergeant I bent it this morning when i fell out the window"
(Keeping in mind I was at Fort Jackson, in the first Gender Integrated units, so asking this next question is never fun and generally a bad idea) PVT how,,err why,, no how did you fall out of the window.and WHAT window?
".........Drill Sergeant......ahhh...... well...." STOP.. say nothing else... lock and clear.... we need to have this conversation with the commander.

Pvt told me, "I don't understand, I'm an expert marksman in call of duty"

Once, I was standing on the M9 range as a safety. My company had completed its tables, and we had assumed range duties so the other companies could shoot. I was hanging back, observing firers for correctable issues such as trigger squeeze, grip, and sight alignment. To my left, a SPC was all over the place. In the dirt. High into the berm. I moved over to look down his lane and figure out where he was going wrong. Wide right. Dirt Puff. Skipped one in and got a hit. Unsure myself what the issue was, I approached the Soldier and asked him what he thought he was doing wrong. He says, “I’m having a hard time adjusting my aim for the wind.” Now, I had heard a lot of excuses on the range, but that one was new. I asked him what he meant. He said that the rounds were blowing all over the place. Rallying some bearing, I asked him what the muzzle velocity of an M9 pistol was (1250 ft/sec). He didn’t know, so I informed him. I asked how long does it take for a bullet to fly 25 meters at that speed. Before he could fully answer, I helped him: not long. “SPC, how much do you suppose the cross wind (maybe 10 mph) affects the strike of the round between here and there.” He says, “I don’t know.” I say, “it doesn’t. You could be shooting in a tornado and it wouldn’t matter at this range” (not quite accurate, but I was making a point). Then he doubles down – “I don’t know about that, First Sergeant.” I say, “I do know about that. The reason you can’t hit anything is… (laundry list of issues that adds up to you can’t shoot straight). Get off my firing line and find an NCO who can help you while dry firing. Don’t come back until he/ she can tell me you are ready for another try.”
He slinks off, and his First Sergeant comes over to investigate what happened. I told him the story, and he wanted to smoke him. I told him to settle down, he wasn’t really disrespectful (I didn’t take it that way, anyway), he just needs some help and a break from the range.

The SPC came back an hour or so later and shot a 27.

"Everything is blurry! I'm wearing my husband's contacts."


And, no shit, there I was.

Saying it.

Not as a PVT...

But as a POC.

Her nipple ring was distracting her.......

Hey...it's what she said......

I only got 23/40 (first time though) in basic.
After basic, however, in Germany, I had an awesome support team that taught me to relax and I shot high 30s or 40 every time.

Then I got to El Paso. Had a terrible NCO. Terrible. But I was still awesome at shooting because I listened to what my leaders taught me beforehand. So we went to the range in El Paso, and I could not zero. EVERY time I adjusted my rifle(tight 3 rounds every time) my grouping went completely different than what it was supposed to be. My NCO, gravajola, or however it's spelled, talked shit about me with one of the guys that was supposed to be checking our rifles when we complained about them. They both came to the conclusion that I just sucked and was a complainer.
Then SPC Jacobs took a look at my rifle. He told me my front sight post was bent. He pulled out his gerber, straightened it and sent me down the line to qualify. First pop up target was, thankfully, 100 yards, and I missed, but was able to adjust where I should aim. I got 39/40.

My point being - maybe you should take the time to help your soldiers. Encourage them. Teach them. And when they have a tight grouping you should take that into consideration. Don't just sit around in a forum and complain about them. It makes you seem like a terrible leader.

I think my most memorable experience was in Boot Camp. I was learning to shoot, and had a Corporal behind me as a marksmanship instructor. I guess I was doing something wrong, although I forget what. I kid you not, I was preparing to fire, weapon on fire, round in the chamber, sighting in on my target & I had begun trigger squeeze at end exhalation. As I'm waiting for the weapon to fire, I see a gloved hand move in front of my barrel, and he just says stop! I froze & almost defecated. All I could see was the hole about to appear in his hand. Thankfully, the weapon did not fire, the correction was made, and I learned to fire extremely well. Good instructor, but maybe not the most effective tactic to intervene.

I laughed because it is not Privates that I heard make up excuses.

I heard a guy in basic tell our Drill Instructor that he was an excellent shot, but couldn't hit anything because the rifle distracts him when it goes "doink" (referring to the sound the buffer spring makes)

Two months ago I was on range detail and another private said he couldn't zero because his firing pin was bent and was making his shots curve. My team chief was also the armorer and assured him that his weapon was fine after they were inspected for maintenance later that month.

When I was in Basic Training, I was not the greatest shot with iron sites. I always hunted with a scope. So when I zeroed for the first au sucked! I raised my hand and told the range safety that I was Native American (I am a proud Chickasaw) and I needed my bow and arrows! He told my Drill Sergeant and I did some low crawling!

In basic I shot 39 out of 40 I have been shooting rifles since I was 10... I missed the 150 yard target and first sgt stops the line and asks how did I miss the 150 yard target? I calmly say "1sgt I didn't miss the target my round went through an existing hole" so he sends me out again to prove it and I shoot 40 of 40.... my bunk mate had never shot in his life was losing his mind the night before. I worked with him that night on what to do his first time out he shoots 39 of 40 1sgt asks him where he learned to shoot he says "spc bibbo taught me how last night 1sgt" next thing I know I'm coaching up all the poor shooters. I have one soldier who would blink or actually close his eyes as a pre reaction to the shot I made him take his other arm and hold his eye lids open while he shot and it worked he shot a 28

Well when I was a private and I couldn't hit the broad side of the barn in basic it was because my windage knob was broken and kept turning with every shot. I was finally issued a new weapon and never had a problem since !

This is a range story - My first experience on a military range was in basic training. My DI walks through the formation once we march to the range and asks us where we were from and did we hunt? They pull about 12 of us out of formation and put us on the first firing order then have us set under a bunch of trees while the rest of the company zeroes. Once that was done, they call us back to the firing line and hand use someone else's M-16, since I shot as good left handed as right handed I would ask how they wanted it zeroed, right or left, and commence to zero.

We then were placed on the first firing order for qualification, of the 12 of us, only 10 qualified expert. we were placed under the trees until the rest of the company finished and called back to the line. This time we got to use our own weapons and qualified for the ones that did not after two attempts. The first two I shot for got expert, at that time I was hit on my steel pot by another DI as he informed me that I was not to shoot expert, but just pass. I did, I had a blast and at 18, I may or may not have known what was going on, but didn't care, I was shooting and not being placed on ammo detail or police call and no one was yelling at me!!

I have ADD in my right eye. I swear this was said to me.

"I can't see the targets"
While on The EIB range, multiple soldiers had the same complainant.
When the Bde CO came out to observe training, a young PVT, supposedly bet the Commander $50 that he couldn't Qualify either. When the COL jumped down into the firing position to shoot he couldn't see some of the targets either. We were moved to a different range the next day.
Miraculously 95% of the EIB candidates qualified the next day.

I actually had a soldier tell me he did not know which eye was his dominant one.When he was shooting with his right hand his right eye was closed. When I asked do you see your target he replied by saying yes so why are missing every target he was like I don't know. Took the soldier made sure he knew his dominant eye and that day he qualified expert.

I had a problem during qualifying/practicing a couple of times.
1) rain kept tearing the targets off the posts
2) snow. Damn I HATE the cold.
3) the worst and lowest I ever qualified, the WM next to me kept ejecting her spent brass down my back. Ever try to fire while being branded!

I personally watched a young lady pull the trigger and throw the rifle across the berm when she zeroed. She stood up and danced around yelling that "it's too loud!" the range safeties came unglued and all I could do was laugh my butt off. Of Course, this was the same admin training unit that I supported when they went to the grenade range, I rendered safe 5 grenades all because of the shipping clips (jungle clips for us old timers) still attached! It was my turn to light some senior NCO's up over that one.