Do you ever compare notes with someone who did commit suicide to find all the reasons that you should not?

We are going to make America Great Again! We The People! The Preamble of the Constitution. Read IT!

Yes I am reminded daily, that since I am in VA housing, and finally feeling like an adult, at 44, not struggling to find shelter, for years like I was, then I can actually think about why I am here(joining the Navy at 18) and where I want to go, and how I am going to heal, and how I am going to make a positive impact as a leader.

I had dreams of a 18 year old enlisting in this reserve enlistment I thought I could get educated and become an officer by 22. But well my dreams of getting a wife, and having kids, and making my mom proud and sister and brother know that I was a great brother had to be postponed by some 20 years. Somehow some way I got injured and now it is more understood why and how with the attachment to the ship. You do not need to go far, and many deployments to get injured. You could get injured quickly and right outside your door step, not to mention over years due your assignment to a ship.

death of dreams. but there are new dreams built on the end of dreams...I mean cool story could be told from a car wreck you survived...

I have to say there is a clear 1 2 3 4 punch to survival healing and recovery 1) No drugs or alcohol abuse 2) Good healthy food vegetables and fruits 3) Examining all the perplexing thoughts review your life all the details of it from childhood and military etc and finally getting answers connecting dots to why you feel what you do and building character and exonerating yourself 4) be of help to others by talking about it and being there to listen 5)

I mean lets see. I will bring up numerous people. But regardless who I bring up and the reasons I must say that I will not let others make me do something to appease them. Maybe they want to see me suffer. Maybe they want to see me feel the depth of something darker then they can even fathom. Regardless bliss is knowing that there is light somewhere in this tunnel just on the other side. And it may be very close.


Disclaimer: I know my military experience is statistically unique and rare. But in the end it left me struggling in the streets. The battle was to examine exactly my childhood which would partly explain my military experience and how I coped. I would finally go to the VA in this process. I would finally reread I swore and oath to defend the constitution and finally read the Preamble of the Constitution which states many things about We The People and Justice.

In the end I developed some empathy towards some of those who are employed at the VA who are paid possibly no that well to go through claims and make possibly life altering decisions of approval or denial.

Someone there could have a file in front of them they never seen before. It is so legitimate but they have never seen anything like it. It is denied.

There are in fact legitimate and false claims and they do have to sift through. The Military and VA Disability system is very complicated, with degrees of disability and compensation from 0 to 100. Social Security Disability is simply 0 or 100 no in between. You can work or you can not work. I was already on SSDI for Psych, when years later I finally became aware and started to remember what I experienced in the Navy, and I entered the VA system and had to wait for 5 years just for a homeless housing voucher, because they denied everything based on the fact I had a reserve enlistment. The reserve enlistment was the exact reason I would of got injured and had these issues, because of my duty assignment. But again I am not sure who would have to deal the fact that they are denied simply on their enlistment package, with no care or mention what exactly their assignment was. I knew I was in for a long battle.

I mean what if in training you were unknowingly by accident loaded with weight that no one has ever attempted, and you started to fail, over years chronically, but no one examined the weight, so you were pushing, realized of duty, but those injuries would eventually ....

Thats a weight. The mix of benefits and compensation and leadership to monitory and protect you commensurate with your duty assignment.

So why would anyone just send you into training with a airplane with 1 wing, half a tank of gas, expect you not to fail? Would anyone expect to put you in a swat team part time, with a real reserve unit.


I just can not accept I was not good enough in the Navy. Maybe someone set the bar so high that it has never been achieved..like a high jump of 30 feet. No Human has or ever will. So how was a a guy 18 with a real reserve enlistment supposed to adapt and achieve and not get injured due inexperience and stress assigned part time to an undermanned active duty guided missile frigate for 5 years. Qualified in everything. The apprenticeship was similar to throwing someone at 18 directly into the middle of a NFL Football team, that was understaffed, and saying hey Figure it out, we will find something for you to do, on the interior line, in deck, crunch time baby...and send you home a bit knocked around confused but damn you had pride...but due your real reserve enlistment you don't get health care and your are only paid for the time your there which over the course of a year is below poverty....and then you tried to transfer to another team...a Navy Army transfer 22...you know and you were medically disqualified for multiple medical reasons you would find out 20 years later when someone gave you the records, when you had bottomed out after 20 years of poverty chronic joblessness and being abused by guys who would offer you housing only to suprise you that you were now going to be a sex toy to them..and It is weird what some young man will do when in fact he is lost does not know what reality is and he is somehow supposed to not be in a tent..and he should be dating a girl..but attaining housing takes money and money comes from a job..that you can not maintain because you are going to literally get in a fight with the first person who looks at you funny...

but that was when you were younger...

the active duty guys needed help on the ship because they were undermanned. but some of the full time guys really did notice you did not have experience...and well you get insulted and assaulted for your inexperience that was due you had no experience like them on the ship you both were manning....

so then you go home and your mom is like what is wrong with you?? you fiancé is like what is possibly wrong with you..

then you are like wtf?? nothing is wrong with this guy..this awesome Navy guy ready for war at any given moment...

oh and then you find out that your missing father was a real deal in the jungle infantry soldier 1966 -68 Vietnam....

then you find out that you are not a veteran for veteran purposes...which brought out all that Navy anger...as I was not going to let the VA tell me that I was a piece of junk...because it was to their benefit...

I was like man..do you even know what a ship is?? Do you even know what a guided missle frigate does?? have you ever frozen half to death sea sick on mdidwatch with no cover doing lookout

have you ever gone sleepless for days

have you ever had your life handed back to you in some puzzle

Have you ever been under a helo on the flight deck feeling it was all about to go really bad with the rolls of the ship

have you ever had to deal with some really hard core things that if you failed you get like dead??

do you like being confused in the streets??

I am American and Proud